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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 22:54

i.e I can accept peoples individual choices but others seem to be unable to do this?

If you cant go because you cant get a sitter/are breastfeeding then you dont go. I wouldnt expect to bring my newborn or children I cant get looked after along to a nightclub for someones birthday/hen night- i'd just accept I couldnt go and deal with it.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 22:54

There was absolutely no need for that nonsensical drivel your dh posted that was directed at Britfish.

We're not saying you can't disagree but as this is a debate and discussion forum we can counter your arguments if we have another opinion with them,and there's no need to be so bloody patronising and incredibly nasty towards others like Britfish/Redwine.

You had one bad experience. It doesn't mean that everyone who had or who desires a child free wedding is like that.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 22:56

You think weddings are for families- have a wedding and invite family. Others would rather have friends there and no children. No right or wrong, im a bit why you are trying to hammer home some kind of non existant point about how awful people who dont believe this are.

foureleven · 16/05/2010 22:57

Ive only read the op so as not to be swayed.

Firstly, I would wait to see how you feel about leaving your baby until youve had it. At 8 weeks I would have given my right arm to have a day and night away from my DD.

Secondly, there may be another reason that they have now said NO kids, maybe there are family members with difficult children who they dont want there but they know if they say no to theirs and yes to yours, there will be arguements.

Thirdly, if it is more important to your dp than you, cant he go alone?

As parents we will miss lots of big events over time. I dont think that if they have decided no kids that an execption should be made for yours.

I personally wouldnt want an 8 week old baby at my wedding... constant crying, breast feeding, possible vomit... And Im a mum.. Before I was a mum I would have hated the thought even more.

blueshoes · 16/05/2010 22:57

Trellism: "If you have a wedding then, in my opinion, family does trump bridezilla. You'll find most non Anglo Saxon cultures believe this. Otherwise elope or go to an island or something."

I am from a non-Anglo Saxon culture where family is paramount. I can still understand childfree weddings.

It is hardly as prescriptive as you make it. I mean intellectually, you do see the point of individual choices, don't you? Even if you don't agree with them.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 22:58

Just a vegan? That's old hat.

I hosted a raw foodist vegan for three days last week,and their vegan wife and even their 8 month old baby. Beat that.

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 23:01

I have had most fun with the children at weddings where I haven't known many people. And I have never been to a child-free one and hope I never will

trellism · 16/05/2010 23:01

Ok, RedRedWine: You realise that your demand that everyone be allowed to act in any way they please, but nobody be allowed to express an opinion thereupon is fraught with paradox? And you don't want to be causing paradoxes this late on Sunday night when most pharmacies are shut.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 23:02

Where have I stated nobody can have an opinion? PLEASE do copy and paste the very post!

blueshoes · 16/05/2010 23:04

Trellism, you are putting words in RRW's mouth. She never said people could not have their own views. Very naughty.

BabyGiraffes · 16/05/2010 23:05

Didn't go to a wedding where children were very much welcome because I couldn;t be bothered with the hassle of a long drive with 8 week old and toddler in tow.... Just for my sanity I guess...
No point to this post...should go to bed

trellism · 16/05/2010 23:06

DH, behave.

He is posting on my ipod touch, from the bath.

DH has NO CLOTHES ON.

I still agree with him tho, nuddy or not

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 23:06

It boils down to choice. Its the hosts (in this case the bride and groom) choice to stipulate any requests, just as its the guests choice whether to accept an invitation. Thats what it is- an invitation, its not a subpoena.

Like if im invited to a fancy dress party and I get my arse in my hands, dont want to dress up etc etc, its making demands on me. I just dont go, its really that simple.

foureleven · 16/05/2010 23:08

If my DP logged on to MY MN account and ambused one of MY posts I would be holding his head under the water in his bath.

Thats appauling IMHO!

BritFish · 16/05/2010 23:08

trellism- thanks for the answer there... even if id love to see someone actually do that!

personally if i dont know you and you dont know me, i dont see much point in you being at my wedding. neither of us will gain anything from the experience, and you will be bored shitless.

but thats my personal opinion. because weddings are a personal thing. you know, to celebrate your marriage and all that, not to pay for everyone you ever met and their children to have a massive party.

i had kids at my wedding, i knew them all and they all had a great time [puking from too much fizzy aside] but if i didnt want them there, it wouldnt have been a big deal. do you know why? because my friends and family knew that if they couldnt come because of their kids, we would have have met up at other times to celebrate and catch up.
its not a big deal, really...

MintHumbug · 16/05/2010 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 23:09

He's in the bath and he's NAKED???? well I never did!

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 23:10

I think it's terribly ill-mannered to invite people to a daytime event and insist they find childcare. But I'm a bit old school.

Redredwine - you're not a paediatrician are you?

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 23:11

Im a paeds nurse.

minxofmancunia · 16/05/2010 23:11

Still totally with redwine here, those of you who objecy are sounding just like the creatures you so despise. Those couples who dare to not want to have your little darlings at their do.

I love and relish opportunities to be child free esp at a wedding. But then maybe that's because we're friends with hedonistic hellraisers .

We had a child free do, we had a limited number of dinner places and we didn't want to use those up on 20 children that would have been £600. We also didn't want to pay for an entertainer/treat bag etc. we had limited funds. Aside from our immediate family our wedding was v much about our friends and we wanted everyone to enjoy themselves without inhibition.

I love my dcs but I'm not that keen on strangers kids and i think esp in the eve weddings are adult occasions. Why do people on here think it's their God given right to inflict their children on others with cries of "selfish" and "bridezilla", no that's you!!

Besides (BF babies aside) can none of you bear to be separated from them for just one day?? I'd be glad of the opportunity for a break!

trellism · 16/05/2010 23:12

I'm not naked. I have my nice Boden nightie on.

DH is in the nip. And you've been reading his nude postings.

blueshoes · 16/05/2010 23:12

I frankly don't understand OP's burning desire to attend weddings and self-absorbed thinking that if the bride does not bend the rules for me and my baby (mememe) then she must not like me enough or is selfish and empathetic.

Get over it! It is hardly about you.

blueshoes · 16/05/2010 23:16

Agree foureleven. I don't see the point in engaging with Trellism anymore since she clearly condones the hijacking of her poster. Pathetic, and a form of trolling.

trellism · 16/05/2010 23:23

I disagree. It's not trolling!

RedRedWine1980 · 16/05/2010 23:27

I do have to chuckle at the immaturity of 'oh that was my husband' or 'my DH said..'
Surely if you are grown up enough to come onto a board like this you are grown up enough to put your OWN views across without having to get your DH/sister/Auntie Mabel to help you?

BTW my Mum said you are all cunts