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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
TopsyKretts · 15/05/2010 23:46

Just don't go. Chalk it up and try not to resent them. They clearly don't have a clue.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/05/2010 23:46

no, you can't possibly leave an 8 week old all day, it's a bonkers idea. If you are breastfeeding it just absolutely won't work.
but they obviously have strong feelings about it, so just say (as calmly and politely as you can) that you would love to come but with such small baby it is impossible, and that you will celebrate with them another time. don't get upset, keep it factual. you shouldn't feel guilty but don't dwell on the injustice of it either. They are obviously a bit lacking in empathy or understanding - a bit selfish I would say.
I think stipulating an 8 week old can't come to a wedding is beyond weird, but there you go, people ARE weird.

scurryfunge · 15/05/2010 23:47

They are not friends at all by the sound of it. Either turn up with the baby on the day(they will hardly turn you away) or decline the invitation,highlighting the reason why.

pinkfizzle · 15/05/2010 23:50

I am sorry to hear this - as really an 8 week baby would be no problem at a wedding.

I think this means that you have been disinvited - especially if you stipulated your situation.

It is more important imo that you are all together as a family at 8 weeks than go to a wedding, it is a shame that your friends have not allowed you to do both.

It will impact your friendship, maybe they will realised how silly they have been when they have kids.

Honestly at 8 weeks I was still bf constantly.

gingerkirsty · 15/05/2010 23:51

I (controversially on MN I know) did not invite children to my wedding. However we did say to friends with children (of whatever age) that if they couldn't arrange childcare, they could bring them along rather than not come themselves. So no, YANBU and I imagine your friend will be mortified when she has a baby herself and realises the truth of the situation.

As for how to deal with it, don't think you can really do much other than perhaps ask what it is that is concerning your friends about you bringing your baby? Maybe they are concerned about the ceremony being interrupted, in which case you can reassure them by saying you will of course take baba out if there is so much as a peep!

The other thing to bear in mind that if you did leave your baby, you would have to keep popping off (god knows where mind you) to express milk to avoid rock hard leaky norkage! This may be worth mentioning to them too!

Good luck

pinkfizzle · 15/05/2010 23:52

harpsichord gives very good advice on her post.

TheCrackFox · 15/05/2010 23:52

Don't go.

I am not buying this crap that childfree people have no idea about babies. Only an arsehole would think it a good idea to separate a newborn from its mother.

lou4791 · 15/05/2010 23:53

People without children and or even some who didn't breastfeed will just not comprehend that leaving a little one of that age is not an option. If I couldn't take my newborn along I wouldn't be able to go. It's that simple.

NewBirdOnTheBlock · 15/05/2010 23:53

No, yanbu. I would spend the day and the money I would otherwise have spent on the wedding on a nice day out with my family.
I would be glad the invite had been withdrwn if it were me. I can think of better things to be doing and places to be with an 8 week old. I had only been off the couch about three times and had one shower by the time dd was 8 weeks old and bf
What nuisance exactly do they think an 8 week old will be?

supersonicmum · 15/05/2010 23:54

I would not go but try not to take it too personlly. Weddings can be a minefield and maybe they are worried that ur baby going will upset others that have not been able tp bring theri dc. Cut them some slack, i feel sure no offence was meant.

maryz · 15/05/2010 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NigellaTufnel · 15/05/2010 23:58

Don't go.

I agree with telling them nicely that it is simply not possible for you to leave an eight week old baby.

And I do think that childfree Bridezillas can be a bit clueless about it.

IN the end, I'm sorry to say, they probably won't care if a couple of their friends make it to their wedding or not.

However, you can sit back and wait for the apology when they have their first child.

hmc · 15/05/2010 23:59

I had no idea - no idea at all, about children be it toddlers or new born babies before I actually had one. Why would a childless person understand about breastfeeding and how unnatural it is to leave a newborn? - you can't really expect them to have that insight. Basically childless people aren't mean - they are clueless.

Contact you friends - perhaps by email (to give more time and space for reflection). Explain without judgement or censure why you can't attend the wedding - remembering you are talking to a totally clueless nice but dim audience, and say how disappointed you will be not to be able to share their special day and explain why it is impossible. Btw - your friends won't know that 8 week olds spend most of their time in a sleepy stupor and represent no problem for their big day. They won't understand about regularity of feeding at that age and how it is important to feed on demand to stimulate milk production...to be fair to them, why should they?

Original poster
alannabanana · 16/05/2010 00:00

they are lacking in empathy sadly. i daresay when they have have kids of their own it will be one hell of an eye-opener!
whats pissing me off slightly is that the bride is trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to bring the baby - as if im telling her how to do her wedding! i mean its so weird its almost funny! and the funniest thing is that we heard the invites went out weeks ago, but we havent got ours - obviously they've been dithering over what to do about us!
ive already told my friend not to worry about taking DS for the day as im just not going to go - i may wait a few more days to tell the bride and groom that though - let them tangle themselves up a bit more! (a bit mean i know, but i do have a PERSON coming out of me in a few weeks - i got bigger fish to fry than their posey wedding!)

OP posts:
onagar · 16/05/2010 00:02

Well I don't know what they were thinking, but the sudden change suggests to me that they had other people being difficult.

"oh well if small babies are ok then my 2/3/4/5yo is ok"

and decided the only way was to make it completely no children.

gingerkirsty · 16/05/2010 00:03

Yeah, good for you! Nobody messes with a pregnant lady

Original poster
alannabanana · 16/05/2010 00:10

i like the idea of spending the nice sunny summers day with DH and my 2 DS's, doing something familyish and thanking our lucky stars were not chit-chatting with posh strangers, and worrying about how the kids are getting on without us... i think i'll put that idea to him and hopefully he'll see the bright side of all this.

OP posts:
GreenAndSilverStars · 16/05/2010 00:11

Not unreasonable to be a bit pissed off about it, because most likely it is just the ignorance of the childfree about how easy it is to leave a small baby.

So, don't go, and let yourself feel a bit sad about it, but don't dwell on it or have a row about it, or flounce away from the friendship. If this couple have kids, time will show them the error of their ways and make them feel very embarrassed later! You don't need to point that out to them right now.

And if there does happen to be some other reason for them wanting no kids, not even tiny babies, on this particular day (like a past loss of a pregnancy you may not know about) then by quietly accepting the situation you'll also have done the right thing. You can't ever know 100% what someone's real reason for wanting no babies at a wedding is, which is why it's best not to get on your high horse about it too much.

Basically it's their prerogative to ban babies without being argued with, but then of course it's also your prerogative to politely say that you won't be able to attend at all, and you ought to have that accepted too.

hmc · 16/05/2010 00:11

alannabanana - did you read my post? I don't think they are being intentionally thoughtless

gingerkirsty · 16/05/2010 00:15

Mmmm Greeny you make a good point

ravenAK · 16/05/2010 00:17

Dh is currently at a child-free wedding; one of his oldest mates.

I don't AT ALL mind the not going - I'd've liked to, but just not practical with 3 dc under 6.

I did get a bit weary with the 'phone calls to dh suggesting that we could get an agency sitter to come to the hotel so that I could attend the evening do.

Yes, fine, so after a 3 hour drive, I spend all day trying to amuse the dc in a strange town whilst dh is at the wedding, then settle them in a hotel room with a sitter they've never met, titivate myself & bounce off to party?

They honestly didn't get why I'd rather give this one a miss! Nothing against hotels/agency sitters you understand, it just sounded like a huge amount of faff, stress & expense.

OP, honestly, not worth falling out with them - they simply don't get it.

Just get dh to reply saying that he'll be going but obviously you won't be able to leave the baby, but wish them well etc etc - keep it cheery & matter of fact, & let it be their problem if they choose to get Bridezillaish...

GoodDaysBadDays · 16/05/2010 00:18

I agree with supersonicmum

However unreasonable it might seem if they said ok to one family it would no doubt cause problems with others.

It's their day after all and their decision

You enjoy your weekend with your dc's, I'd have thought of any excuse not to go anywhere withn a newborn!

Still do

sleepingsowell · 16/05/2010 00:19

I agree with those saying politely decline and try not to get angry or resentful. The Bridezilla is obviously clueless about family life and a very few years down the line she is very likely to be blushing at this action. You can afford to be very gracious about this I think. And yes - have a lovely family day instead!

TopsyKretts · 16/05/2010 00:20

I don't get the suggestion of a previous miscarriage as being in any way a mitigation, tbh.

I've never known anybody in this situation to become so irrationally anti-baby. It's stretching credulity, imo.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/05/2010 00:21

I agree with Greeny as well. Mind you, I remember that when I was PG I happily made plans to attend a definitely childfree event when DS would have been about 6 weeks old on the grounds that, by 6 weeks he would be old enough to take a bottle if I was BF... this to illustrate that people who don't have any DC really don't necessarily get it about how difficult it can be to leave a newborn.

(As it happened I was unable to BF and went to the event leaving DS with my parents, but only for a couple of hours, not all weekend)