to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

[alannabanana]

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

Well it depends on the baby - at 8 weeks I needed my husband around. But I honestly can not imagine a baby being anything but a positive presence at a wedding.

As another poster said not having kids is NO excuse.

You have already indicated that you don't want to leave your baby.

Friends of ours without kids - hired some childcare for the wedding at their wedding - so the parents that brought their kids could drop them off to a corner of the venue if they wanted to.

There is no excuse.. trellism makes valid points.

oh and they do they have sort of hideous gift registry too... with loads of expensive gifts?

just wondering...

op I would have thought your friend could have made a concession for a newborn baby to be at her wedding,seems a bit mean tbh.As others have said wait till she has her own, and see if she gets miffed at exclusion from social occasions.Tbh I think kids are great at weddings they always love the discos etc. can't see what your friends problem is.

Sorry, but why can't you just go anyway and stay outside during the ceremony, you'll see it all on video anyway, not that you are missing anything.
Also, sounds like all your relatives will be there, plenty of other people to help you and you can nip back and breastfeed when needed.
The only times a tiny baby is a 'problem' is when people have to be quiet, rest of the time who would even notice.

Another thing. Most church weddings are open to ANYONE to come into the church to watch (old law or custom).
Better hope the local beered up lads don't come in and spoil it
This happened to a friend of mine in a village church.

no kids means no kids - and 8 week old babies can be a disruption at the ceremony if they are crying etc. also as another poster said - it wouldnt be fair to others who have left theirs. I went to two weddings last year which were no kids and it was great!!! they werent that young though - but one was 3 months and I left him with dhs parents, no problem!! you could go to the wedding and not the reception and have the childcareer nearby so you can pop off to breastfeed. Or just send DH on his own! There are solutions but it is THEIR wedding and they should be able to do what they want for it without reproach. They arent being horrid they just dont know what its like.

YANBU personally I dont like these child free wedding, thought that weddings are a family occasion. And expecting a newborn to be parted from its mother whether bf or not. I would just politely decline and say that you need to be with your as your baby is so young and will be bf. Yes I agree months/years down the line your bridezilla friend will realise how U and inflexible she is if she has her own and someone does to her what she did to you.

We've just declined the wedding of a close friend because they're not having children there and we'll have aapprox a 6 wk old by then (hopefully!). To be honest we don't mind in the slightest, whilst we welcomed all and any children at our wedding not everyone wants them there, and whilst babies are portable they can potentially make a lot of noise I guess.

Yes, I'm disapoointed not to go, but hey ho, I'm certainly not cross about it and it doesn't affect my view of them. I have said to DH that he can go if he wants but he's declined. Could your DH go on his own?

I don't have children, but I wouldn't expect parents to leave an 8 week old. Then again I am not the bridezilla sort (people are travelling and spending money and taking time to come to your wedding, so try to make it reasonably easy for them!).

Is it possible that your friends thinks you are the sort of person who would let the baby scream throughout the 'I dos' without attempting to quieten it/take it to another room? And that she would rather have you not there at all than have you there with baby?

That last paragraph seems pretty unlikely to me, in which case your friends are the ones being unreasonable.

Can't dh go on his own since it's oldest and close friend?

yanbu to not go/not want to go
they anbu to not want kids at there wedding.
The only way someone becomes unreasonable in these situations is if they get pissed off or try to guilt/ignore the other.
If they get pissed off at you for not coming that would be unreasonable
If you were to bring your child anyway and think the rules didn't apply to you. Or if you get pissed off with them and hold it against them yabu.
As it is neither are unreasonable.

I wanted children at my wedding! I could not possibly imagine it without children. It was wonderful to have little boys and girls scampering around all dressed up. So much fun.

And agree completely with Trellism about the point and purpose of celebrating a marriage.

I found this advice on a wedding website: "But in practice, some people - particularly new parents - will just assume that they can bring their little darlings with them."

It would be nice if some of them acknowledged the difficulties of leaving newborns with someone for the day rather than implying that new parents were so blinded by love they weren't at all rational. Way to legitimise bridezilla behaviour and ensure that people fall out with friends

I'd second what greenandsilverstars says: can you grit your teeth, not take it personally and send DH? You don't know what other reasons there might be behind it.

DP and I have been TTC for a loooong time - every wedding we go to, people thrust adorable babies at us and say, 'Ooh, it'll be you next/you'd better get a move on!/when are you starting a family?/you'd make great parents!' etc. It can be really upsetting, when there's nothing we'd like more. I'd like to think I'd be big enough to welcome herds of kids to our wedding, but to be brutally honest, other people's cute babies, plus that bit in the ceremony about marriage bringing forth children, makes me well up at other people's weddings, let alone my own.

Just want to put my tuppence worth in...

I didn't want any kids at my wedding as I wanted EVERYONE to enjoy it, not have to worry about what their kids were doing - the children would have been none the wiser. Also, at that point, I wouldn't have had a clue about what it would entail to leave a baby behind (and, sorry, but I wouldn't class 8 weeks as 'newborn'). Finally, on this point, if I got married again, I STILL wouldn't invite kids as I stand by my original viewpoint.

Oh and, for the record, I must be a terrible mother as I left my 5 week old with my sister to go to London for 3 days for a 40th birthday party!

If the couple have stipulated no children - then you can't just turn up with the baby as some people are suggesting. that would be unforgivably rude. it's their wedding, their money and their choice.

If you can't leave your children then you can't go.

If you want to know why our society is screwed up, why we disrust teenagers hanging round street corners, why social disintegration is so prevalent - well, you see it in microcosm here. The fact that people can be so alienated from their natures and from society to think it acceptable to ban a newborn baby from a wedding says it all about a society fracture into millions of stinging little splinters, where everybody's having "their day, hun, their choice", but nobody actually opens their eyes to a little social empathy.

Trellism - a bit OTT.

My sister had her wedding ceremony ruine - yes absolutely ruined - by a crying baby.

I totally understand people not wanting kids at weddings.

I attended a wedding with a 6 week old and a three year old and my dh was best man, so he was quite preoccupied! It was quite stressful (even with my ILs staying at a B&B nearby to help out) and I would actually have been happy to stay at home but it was close friends.

I understand your hurt but maybe give them the benefit of the doubt. Put it down to a little bit of selfishness and lack of understanding being childless themselves. I know I was pretty clueless before I had kids. On the other hand I like to think I would have understood the need for a newboen to be with its mother

I think with these situations it is better to give people the benefit of the doubt. Decline the invitation politely, stating your very good reasons. See what unfolds over the years. They may have kids themselves one day and realise, they may even apologise. It may turn out they are not friends that you will sustain a close relationship with, time will tell.

I think in these situations it is usually about the other's world perspective and not about you personally. Weddings can make people go a little crazy and indeed selfish but it doesn't necessarily mean they don't value you as friends.

I have been to two weddings with newborns and would much rather have been snuggled up at home with a good movie and quality nipple cream!

Good luck

Yes I also understand not wanting a crying baby during the ceremony but it is very easy to slip out. Or even with the first wedding I attended, I missed out the ceremony and joined later for the party

It's not OTT. It's holding back the true depths of what this idiocy reveals about these bridezillas.

a) If I had a crying baby at my ceremony, I wouldn't have considered it "ruined", and nor would anyone else. If anything, I would have found it amusing.

b) A considerate mother would slip out with the baby at that point. It sounds like this was an inconsiderate mother: which lives on the other side of the coin of the inconsiderate bride.

''tell them to fuck themselves and dont go, vile people, your kids comes first, and dont get them a present either''

Blimey O'Reiley that is nasty!!
I think people need to chill a bit here.
It is a simple choice fo the OP - Go or not. Simple.

She has decided she doesn't want to leave the baby- fair enough. End of problem.

I'm with the bride AND groom on this one. If they doesn't want other children there for what ever reason- they may have a large family with lots of children, costs soon start to add up. IF you make a rule saying no children and then say but a friend of groom can bring his 8 month but SIL can't bring her three toddlers or whatever you get resentment within hte family.

I have missed loads of stuff with friends when mine were younger - 40ths, firework parties, alll sorts but so what?

Send a card and a present and wish them well.

Do you think perhaps she is worried your baby might pull focus?

A good friend of mine got married when DD1 was 15 months old. They wanted all the children in attendance to eat/play in another room at the reception and hired children's entertainers and such.
When it came to the meal DD1 was just not happy to be separated from us. My girlfriend was momentarily put out (only very very momentarily) but then arranged for a highchair to be brought to our table and thought nothing more of it.
Friends are supposed to be just that.

I wouldn't just turn up with your baby, I do think that is wrong if they have asked you not to. I would call them and explain exactly what you have said to us.

Sorry you are in this situation.

I was in a similar situation a few years back, dd born in Feb, wedding a couple of hours drive away in April so she was about the same age as yours will be. I can't remember if the dcs were invited or not but I ended up arranging for my parents to stay at mine while we went and stayed over at the wedding. I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much if they'd been there as I'm the only one in our peer group with dcs and would have felt a bit left out if I'm honest.

DD was exclusively breastfed but I expressed a shit load of breast milk and left them to it! She was absolutely fine. So seeker, it IS possible to leave an 8 week old breastfed baby if you are comfortable with it. There is NO WAY I would have done this with ds though, PFB and all that!

However, OP I understand that your family are away and this does make it a bit more difficult. It does need to be someone who knows what they're doing with babies.

And FWIW, I do think that people who don't invite kids to weddings are being ridiculously precious. I loved seeing everyones kids having fun at ours.

Indeed, I'd bet the woman who let her six-month-old baby cry in the ceremony was the same woman who, a year or two earlier, had banned all babies from her wedding. Same sort of "MY CHOICE MY DAY" mindset. My. My. My.