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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be willing to leave behind my newborn for my friends 'no children' wedding.

432 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2010 23:41

so this wedding is taking place in august by which time i will have a roughly 8wk old newborn. i already have a 17 month DS for whom childcare has been arranged, but i have always said that leaving the newbie will not be feasible as i will be breastfeeding (boobies willing!), and to be honest the venue is a bit of a drive and i would not be able to enjoy myself knowing i had left such a young dependent baby with someone else. (i should say at this juncture that the very kind friend in question who would be taking care of DS and the new baby has v little experience of babies but great with toddlers, and ordinarily i would only trust my mum with the baby but she, and indeed my ENTIRE family, will be on holiday at the time of the wedding.)
i stipulated all this months ago to our supposedly close friends - the bride and groom - especially the part about my family being away and DH's family not being an option because they live nowhere near us, and they seemed ok with us having to bring the newbie, but have just received a phone call tonight saying that actually no children means NO children, even tiny babies. now, DH is actually more upset about this than me as the groom is one of his oldest and closest friends - i am of the opinion that if they don't get that you can't just leave an 8wk old baby willy nilly then theres nothing i can do to convince them - but poor DH is actually quite hurt that his mate has effectively withdrawn our invitation to his wedding, and i think he's well within his rights to be hurt, and a bit cross. is this unreasonable you think? im hoping that this doesnt spell the end of our friendship with them but it is disappointing.

OP posts:
Rockbird · 16/05/2010 11:56

Nancy, a crying baby that the parents didn't take outside? So really the wedding was 'ruined' by the parents? FFS, how was the wedding ruined? Did the baby scream through the entire service, then scream through the entire meal plus disco? That's a lot of screaming.

My cousin is getting married soon, children are invited but she has made it clear that during the service, crying children are to be taken outside. Totally fair enough and the more sane approach to all this.

I don't think Trellism is OTT at all. I wouldn't go to a wedding that was child free because it says so much about the couple in question and the sort of starchy, humourless day it would be. Luckily, everyone I've ever known to get married sees the day for what it is, which is a day for all family and friends to see you make a life changing commitment and have a damn good time as well. Guess what, children are people not little puppets to be shoved away in a box when it doesn't suit to have them around. If my friend would rather I didn't go to her wedding than bring my newborn then it sorts out what sort of friend she is.

piscesmoon · 16/05/2010 11:57

I don't think you need to fall out. Just tell them that it is impossible to attend, but you will think of them on the day and hope to catch up with them later to see photo's etc.

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 11:58

Why didn't someone go and speak to the parents of the crying baby and ask for them to take it out? So British - whinge and complain afterwards but don't actually do anything at the time.

lorelilee - that line about everyone enjoying it is trite and crap for a lot of people. I don't enjoy spending time apart from my DC. I work full time and don't want to spend my leisure time apart from them. And no, I don't think you're a bad mother for spending 3 days away from your 5 week year old but you're certainly an unusual one. Most women wouldn't do that by choice.

pinkfizzle · 16/05/2010 11:58

Jacey Bee you must have had a fantastic supply - there is no way I could have expressed enough for a day away from my baby at 8 weeks - it would have completely stuffed my supply.

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 12:00

I agree with trellism - I think we've become stupidly focused on a wedding being an event - rather than a celebration of two families coming together and all friends and family there to witness and celebrate. I would be appalled if I were invited to a child-free wedding and I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who had one.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 12:04

It's utter nonsense to suggest that child free weddings have to be starchy and dull. Just as weddings with children won't necessarily be fun filled joyful affairs.

I've been to some awful and tedious weddings where children were welcome.

I don't really like weddings in general but I've no objection to child free weddings, and as they tend to be smaller weddings I tend to prefer them.

I'm not a fan of big weddings for a variety of reasons.

I'd prefer to have an adult only wedding,though babies would be welcome,if only so that I can drool over them, but if I had a close friend with a young baby then I'd certainly make an exception for them.

If I couldn't bring the baby then I wouldn't go. I'd have to politely decline. I wouldn't want to leave such a young baby.

pinkfizzle · 16/05/2010 12:06

oh and nancy - the baby must have done something more than cry - I'm guessing the baby was up the front and projectile vomited all over the bride?

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 12:06

And the point and purpose of a wedding is whatever it means to the couple imho. It's unique to them and it doesn't have to be about children if that's not what their wedding day means to them.

thumbwitch · 16/05/2010 12:07

I had a friend who had a no-child wedding. A good friend of hers wanted to bring her several month old baby because she was still bf'ing and my friend said no, because the baby could go to the woman's mum's house for the ceremony and then she could collect the baby after the ceremony for the reception.

This wasn't acceptable to the guest, so she didn't go to the wedding and they are no longer friends.

However, same friend, another couple had a baby 6 weeks prior to the wedding and they were able to bring their baby because it was so new.

I think therefore, that YANBU, your bride and groom friends ARE being unreasonable and that they shouldn't expect tiny babies to be separated from their mum at that age.

However - if people want to have a child-free wedding, that doesn't automatically make them bad people. Weddings, in the end, are about 2 people getting married to each other - that's it. It's entirely up to them who they have there to share it with (if they are paying for it themselves) BUT they still have to have a level of sense and common decency when it comes to new babies.

pinkfizzle · 16/05/2010 12:07

and let's all think about just how many kids have ruined wedding as opposed to drunk and disordely adults?

Rockbird · 16/05/2010 12:09

It's the idea that annoys me. That, of course children are animals and nothing but a pain in the arse and that having them there would automatically turn it into a circus. It's about how you view children in general. Of course some people don't have children, don't like them, whatever. But this country is so anti children and that attitude makes me see red.

thumbwitch · 16/05/2010 12:11

Some children ARE nothing but a PITA. And their parents are sometimes quite happy to have an excuse to have a day off from them. Some parents are happy to have a day off from their children, WITHOUT their DC being a PITA.

Each to their own - can't be doing with the self-righteousness of 'children must be included for it to be a "worthy" wedding'.

pinkfizzle · 16/05/2010 12:11

hang on nancy, put me in the picture, was the crying accompanied by a rip roaring dripping poo that went through the baby's clothing?

Just jiving you..

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 12:15

I like children,in small doses, but they can be annoying. I have seen them behaving like Tasmanian devils and causing chaos and destruction at weddings. That's the parents'fault however not the children.
And yes drunken adults can be even more annoying.

It works both ways.If you want a 'village'/child friendly approach as they have in some other countries then parents have to be willing to allow others to chastise their children,when they aren't behaving and the parent isn't in sight,to talk to them and not to freak out when someone touches your baby's hand.

I've seen quite a few threads on here about people complaining because a stranger dared to touch their baby, or complaining when another person told their child not to hit/pinch/destroy an item.

LetThereBeRock · 16/05/2010 12:16

Thumbwitch put it better.

JaceyBee · 16/05/2010 12:17

Yeah it did take a while to get enough pinkfizzle, I put a little aside for several weeks and froze it. Was a PITA but doable.

pinkfizzle · 16/05/2010 12:19

wow - good for you and sorry a nosy question - did you have to express at the wedding to stop you boobs from exploding?

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 12:23

I do know some badly behaved children. But they are in a small minority. I think it's all wrong to ban children but that's only my opinion. I just wouldn't come to your wedding

lorelilee · 16/05/2010 12:30

Life no longer worth living. LadyBiscuit doesn't want to be my friend. BLUB incredibly sarcastic, omigod get a life emoticon

Nancy66 · 16/05/2010 12:33

The baby started crying in the church very loudly. After a few minutes one of the ushers asked if she wouldn't mind taking the baby outside as the couple were about to take their vows. She refused. Baby carried on crying hysterically - she was asked again and refused again, in a very loud and abusive way.

Nobody heard any of the vows or the choir and my sister - who had said kids were welcomed but assumed people would be reasonable about this - was really upset.

all this talk of Bridezillas - what about Mumzillas? Women that insist they have the right to do whatever they want because they have a baby.

Most people have the big wedding only once. Some people save and plan for years - if they don't want kids there they don't have t have them. People should respect their wishes.

it's not the end of civilisation as we know it. Some events just go off better without children.

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 12:34

I doubt you and I would have ever been friends in the first place lorelillee

LadyBiscuit · 16/05/2010 12:35

She sounds ghastly Nancy66. But most mums aren't like that are they? I don't know anyone who would be that rude and inconsiderate.

trellism · 16/05/2010 12:40

Nancy, my brother's ceremony was ruined by the caterers who were clanging cutlery throughout the ceremony.

Any sensible mother would take her crying baby out of the ceremony. It's basic politeness.

Nancy66 · 16/05/2010 12:41

You'd think - but this one chose not to.
So why not just avoid situations like that by having a 'no kids' rule.

ILovePlayingDarts · 16/05/2010 12:42

Nancy66

It wans't the baby that spoiled the ceremony, it was the baby's mum. So don't go tarring every other baby/child with the same brush.

If I ever get married, children will be welcomed, but I will be asking beforehand that crying children are taken outside to avoid spoiling it for others.

The wedding would be a family occaision, which is exactly how I want it.