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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave DH and the kids for 3 weeks for the chance to work abroad this summer.

144 replies

Elgoogreven · 14/05/2010 20:10

Here's the situation.
DH works from home but is mainly a SAHD.
I work full time.
This situation was forced through redundancy, and we get by although it's not ideal.
The kids are 5 and 3.
I got a call last night offering me the opportunity to work for a charity sports team for 3 weeks.
It looks like my work are ok with me using annual leave and a week of unpaid leave.

So AIBU to go, leaving DH with the kids for a whole 3 weeks?

So far in RL coments have included..oh your poor DH, you don't deserve him, and he's too good to you.

Would it be really awful of me to go?
We can't afford for them to come along too.
I wouldn't be using up all of my annual leave allowance, just some.

WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:

oldandgreynow · 17/05/2010 22:59

OK well I don't want to hurt anyones feelings but the Op did want to know whether people thought she was being unreasonable and because I give my honest opinion I must be jealous or sexist!

EdgarAllenPoll · 17/05/2010 23:21

in actual fact i was in a similar situation whilst due to birth DD - my husband had to go and do a course lasting 3 months for work. not to go would delay his advancement.

I told him to go - i was fine with baby when she came, and it was only 3 months (he came back every 2/3 weekends)

he had to use some leave to cover some of his exam revision time that year. but that's what couples do - they support each other to get things that benefit both. If your husband is ok (as i imagine he is with two kidies) for three weeks, why not?

I imagine this will benefit you work wise even if unpaid?

Original poster

Elgoogreven · 18/05/2010 08:51

It will absolutely benefit my future career. No doubts about that.

OP posts:

Litchick · 18/05/2010 09:05

My DH is away a lot through work and although the kids and I miss him, it's okay.

If your DH is okay with this then you should go.

But you do need to know that behind your back you will be being judged.

posieparker · 18/05/2010 09:49

To be fair I take my dcs for at least six weeks a year to visit my parents, they live in China, and so my dcs do not see their Dad. They do not suffer and I have always justified that with the fact that they benefit from spending time with GP's and see another country/culture. But I have been blinkered in thinking that this is for them...in the long run, OP, your dcs will benefit from your career choices. My objection was that you have decided to be away from them and not your DH doing it for the dcs, iyswim. It's all about you, which is why people are objecting. And you're right if you were going to a crappy conference people wouldn't mind. This is not a sexist thing at all.

So at the end of this post I am still unsure as to whether YABU or not. But if you're happy to be away from your 3 & 5 year old and your DH is happy then it's okay. WE all know your dcs won't be happy about it, but who are they to judge.

Nellykats · 18/05/2010 10:05

Sounds like a great opportunity to advance your career prospects and that's good for all the family isn't it? I would certainly do it! I'm sure your children will be proud to see pictures of their sporty mum...

caramelwaffle · 18/05/2010 10:36

Do it. Definitely.
I do not think anyone has summed it up better than this;

carrotsarenottheonlyveget... Sun 16-May-10 08:54:14 "You will get mixed reactions from people (I did) but that's because they can't see how something other than being devoted to 20 years of childcare can be worthwhile. Children can be your entire world - yet you can still have other things in that world which mean a huge amount to you. That's not being selfish, that's living your life - and you only get one of those."

You have a job/career. This, as you say, will be fabulous for your progression - which can only be good for your family in the long run.

Good luck and have fun.

caramelwaffle · 18/05/2010 10:51

People still have this weird notion that when a father - even a stay at home father - is looking after his own children (biological, adopted, foster or step children) he is merely "babysitting" until mother comes along to do her "proper job". The man is "put upon" "he is too good for you" etc

This will explain some of the reactions you have received.

EdgarAllenPoll · 18/05/2010 13:14

agre with the last post, wer this a bloke wanting a 3 week away trip, with OH that could cope quite well, and no financial reason not to, everyone would say - ok let them.

the only ones which have looked really selfish were the ones where it was going to cause financial bother, and where the person left with the kids was not in a situation where they could be expected to cope alone.

joanneg20 · 18/05/2010 13:36

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Only three things matter here: will your partner be okay while you're gone? Will your children be okay? Would you support your partner if the situation were reversed? If the answer to those things is yes, you should definitely go and I'm afraid I agree with others here who have said that anyone who judges you for this is either sexist and/or jealous.

posieparker · 18/05/2010 14:13

Ridiculous to say people are either jealous or sexist if they disagree with the OP.....I am in two minds and keep thinking what if it were my DH. If he wanted to go away and it included stealing some of the time set aside for me to have an easier time with the dcs and for him to spend with them I would say no, but that's between us, our relationship.

OP stop asking for advice, this is family matter, the only person who matters in this decision is your DH and you....as I said the dcs won't be happy but what do they know I expect they'd like chocoalte fro breakfast!

StrictlyTory · 18/05/2010 14:57

I don't think it has anything to do with OP being a women. I've said I wouldn't be happy if DH did it. It's about the fact that staying at home can be very lonely and I think it's a lot to ask anyone to spend an extra 3 weeks alone a lot of the time while their partner has a great time. When this also means 3 weeks less time together as a family I can see why the other person might be a bit miffed that their partner would rather spend 3 weeks without them than with them!

nappyaddict · 18/05/2010 15:32

I'd go without a doubt. He's their Dad, why shouldn't they be left with him?

schoolchauffeur · 18/05/2010 18:54

I would go for it. The only thing that matters is how you and your DH feel about it. It sounds as if you will have things well covered on the home front and if DH Is supportive then who cares what the rest of us or indeed your RL friends and family think? Hope it goes well!!

Snobear4000 · 18/05/2010 19:55

YANBU

As long as you allow DH to go to Vegas with his mates when the time comes. Opportunities such as this need to be pounced upon and you can not do everything together all the time as a family. It's not realistic.

As someone who works away a fair bit, I can tell you, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's good for a relationship.

Original poster

Elgoogreven · 29/05/2010 21:07

Flights booked. Eeek.

OP posts:

PiscesLondon · 30/05/2010 00:14

good for you! YANBU.

have a great time

TiggyR · 30/05/2010 08:34

Three weeks in nothing. Your children will be with their dad who is their full-time carer anyway! No biggie. If this is a good career opportunity for you then don't hesistate. A man in your situation would not even stop to ask himself this question! Plus, they've invented webcams you know!

Original poster

Elgoogreven · 30/05/2010 10:55

true, might take my netbook and seek out some wifi.

OP posts:

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