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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave DH and the kids for 3 weeks for the chance to work abroad this summer.

144 replies

Elgoogreven · 14/05/2010 20:10

Here's the situation.
DH works from home but is mainly a SAHD.
I work full time.
This situation was forced through redundancy, and we get by although it's not ideal.
The kids are 5 and 3.
I got a call last night offering me the opportunity to work for a charity sports team for 3 weeks.
It looks like my work are ok with me using annual leave and a week of unpaid leave.

So AIBU to go, leaving DH with the kids for a whole 3 weeks?

So far in RL coments have included..oh your poor DH, you don't deserve him, and he's too good to you.

Would it be really awful of me to go?
We can't afford for them to come along too.
I wouldn't be using up all of my annual leave allowance, just some.

WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 16:49

i think i would regret it if i missed out on this opportunity. part of what i find hard about being a parent is that i haven't done any travelling since (6 years now) and that is a big part of what made ME before i had kids.
Yes, i've done interrail round europe for a month, i've backpacked in south america, i've lived in the states, and done exchange visits to norway and russia.
but i've done no travelling whatsoever since the arrival of the kids and i think this trip will remind me that being a parent doesn't mean that i've done my adventures and there's going to be no more. a little reminder of me.

yes, very selfish, but is that so bad really?

OP posts:
belgo · 15/05/2010 16:52

No of course you are not being unreasonable, you have to go, it's a great opportunity. Many men leave their families for weeks or months a year to work abroad, why shouldn't you?

Lucycat · 15/05/2010 17:03

I agree, it sounds a fantastic opportunity - and it's only Europe - close Europe at that, so if there was a need to get home you could do it in a couple of hours.

it's not to Australia is it?

Interesting to see whether todays posters are WOH or SAH'ers? Wondering if that perspective makes a difference?

porcamiseria · 15/05/2010 17:06

if DP is OK for you to do it, and you will return the favour some day, why not? Noone would say anything if it was a man

Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 17:07

Anyone got any good one-liner responses for me to use on the RL ers?

OP posts:
Lucycat · 15/05/2010 17:08

Are you seriously getting grief for this in RL? - my guess is that they are envious of not getting the same opportunities themselves!

Will think about the one liners!

Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 17:17

Seriously, i've had 'oh your poor DH', 'he's too good to you', 'you don't deserve him'.

These are direct quotes

Although i've also had a few, oh wow, how exciting, go for it, well done you's as well.

Just a bit surprised to get such a mixed reaction.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 15/05/2010 17:19

Are you being paid?

Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 17:21

Accommodation, travel, meals, expenses are paid for. plus £20 spending money a day.
It's a charity remember.
I won't be coming back rich.

OP posts:
Francagoestohollywood · 15/05/2010 17:22

YANBU.

Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 19:14

i need to start looking for my passport.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 19:55

found it, yay!

OP posts:
cornsillkwearsclogs · 15/05/2010 21:42

You should go definitely -do it girl! Were these people saying he's so good to you(to look after his own children) his relatives by any chance?

Original poster
Elgoogreven · 15/05/2010 21:50

no mine!

OP posts:
cornsillkwearsclogs · 15/05/2010 21:53

NO!!!!!

cornsillkwearsclogs · 15/05/2010 21:55

elgo come and talk keanu on the silly thread.

supersonicmum · 15/05/2010 22:14

It totally depends on dh's feeling. the kids will be fine they are with their dad. So really all that matters is what he thinks. You need to discuss it - if he is not fully supportive it will be a wedge between u in the future. If he is supportive - go for it.

sleepingsowell · 15/05/2010 23:09

FWIW my view is, I wouldn't want to leave my kids for that long when they're so young

If my partner worked full time (meaning I did the lion's share of the kid stuff day to day) then I would hope he would actually want to spend leave with his kids and not on a 'jolly' for himself.

I think of course as adults we want to carve out a bit of time for ourselves and it's healthy not to lose our entire being in parenthood but it's all about balance and I wouldn't see this situation as a balanced one

kickassangel · 15/05/2010 23:58

there are loads of people, male & female, who work away from home for long stretches - months, not weeks. if it suits your family, then it is perfectly reasonable.

i think it's only a problem if it causes a problem for the rest of the family.

jadziadax · 16/05/2010 00:59

YANBU.

I'd be grabbing that sort of opportunity with both hands.

Your DH is fine with it. Technology means you can easily stay in touch with your kids.

Have a great time and enjoy the career benefits it will bring as well.

carrotsarenottheonlyvegetable · 16/05/2010 08:54

My husband was away for 5 weeks working in a charity in Africa which was really important to him (well both of us, which helped, but even if I'd not cared about it, he did, therefore I do).

I missed him terribly, and it was hard work, but worth it as it was what he wanted to do and he made an incredible difference to the project, and the people there. I was so proud of him.

We've also been to the project together to work and left our son behind for 2 weeks with Grandparents as where it is isn't suitable for children who are too young for antimalarials. I missed our son way more than I ever expected (and I expected a LOT) but at the same time, it was just a fortnight, he was fine and what we achieved was one of my life's great experiences. When my kids are grown up I want to do lots more of those - but who knows whether I'll have the chance?

If your partner is supportive, why the hell not? Of course you will miss him and your children, and you will find it very tough being away from them. But life isn't all about the school run and kiddie cuddles - even though they're the BEST!

You will get mixed reactions from people (I did) but that's because they can't see how something other than being devoted to 20 years of childcare can be worthwhile. Children can be your entire world - yet you can still have other things in that world which mean a huge amount to you. That's not being selfish, that's living your life - and you only get one of those.

Plumm · 16/05/2010 09:07

Go!

And to anyone says 'poor DH' or similar explain that he's really excited about the oppurtunity you've been given and would love to do the same himself.

omaoma · 16/05/2010 09:10

If you are clear about the benefits of this opportunity, beyond just it would be fun, you need to have a serious and open discussion with DH about it putting your case and asking him honestly if he would be willing to support you, and how you could then support him while you're away (make extra resources available, he goes to parents with kids for some of it etc), and also how you could do something he really wants to do in return. It has to be quid pro quo as it's a big ask. If he still doesn't think it worth you going you're going to have to go with his decision or you will be replicating the kind of behaviour most women on this site find unacceptable in their husbands.

MmeTrueBlueberry · 16/05/2010 09:12

This has to be a family decision. How does your DH feel about it? Would your three week assignment open doors in the future by enhancing your CV?

My DH has been away for this length of time when the DCs were little and we all survived.

Being away doesn't mean you have no contact in this day and age.

alypaly · 16/05/2010 09:12

do it....its only 3 weeks.....
especially if DH is a SAHD.its not as if he cant cope and he is saying go.
What a fab opportunity....and if it helps the future career why are you even hesitating. Of course you will miss the kids and they will miss you.....but you have alot more years with them and 3 weeks will fly by.