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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not log in to mumsnet these days never got serious advice just loads of bitching

178 replies

justsue · 11/05/2010 23:53

Hi all I logged into this site last year to discuss my son, (who now is settled with my first darling grandchild, she is lovely). Then came back bout my "father" but cannot get people to understand what is going on. I watch u all bitching about stupid stuff and would love to say " ugh hello there is other things going on in the world than MY CHILD IS NOT TALKING TO ANOTHER CHILD AND I WANT TO BEAT HER MOTHER. Get a grip people. I dont give a shit if your child hates billy across the road and he has not been invited to the party , get over it , I dont give a flying fish if your nannie does not live up to your standards, do it yourself for gods sake, what I do do give a shit about is how fucking malicious you lot are and how we "newbies" dare not post again for advice

OP posts:

Original poster

justsue · 12/05/2010 00:59

No I cant get out of it, without seeing how he is you wold not belive that this was a man that beat his child, who told SS that cos she was not perfect he wanted her out of his life. I see a man that thinks he loved his wife and family, who took them on holidays, so now mum is dead and has been for fifteen years why tell him the truth!!! who will i be hurting!!! ME simple as that. I have compassion and thats what my mum would want

OP posts:

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 12/05/2010 01:01

Have you thought of seeing a therapist sue?

sunnydelight · 12/05/2010 01:06

I haven't read the whole thread, but basically you don't post in AIBU if you're looking for serious advice or sympathy - there are lots of places on mumsnet where you will get great advice with a lot of thought and care but AIBU isn't it!

Casmama · 12/05/2010 01:08

I don't know how to say this without being really blunt but he took advantage of your mothers compassion and goodness - it allowed him to treat her, in your words "like a piece of shit" and he allowed her to die of malnutrition - do you think if your mother could look on with that perspective that she would really want this for you?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 12/05/2010 01:09

I have to go to bed sue.

unltd · 12/05/2010 01:09

good idea belle

sue has so much to deal with on her own

how she feels about her dad

how she feels about being his carer

how he treated her

her mum

etc etc

god there is a lot going on

Casmama · 12/05/2010 01:10

Sunnydelight - sometimes it is wise to read the whole thread as it means you don't repeat a point that has already been made or blunder in when a thread has taken a different direction from the original op.

unltd · 12/05/2010 01:12

I meant good advice about seeing someone, not going to bed

Original poster

justsue · 12/05/2010 01:13

How can I put him into a home, he only has dimentia, he is so painfully fucking grateful for what I am doing for him its shameful. Dont get me wrong I make sure that he is well fed, warm,well looked after etc. I do this for my mum!!!. I have four siblings who have literally walked away and I think to myself "for fucks sake I am not even in the fucking will and I am his carer", they hate him simple as that, but i try and have a bit of compassion and tonight I am struggling

OP posts:

Casmama · 12/05/2010 01:18

I don't know what to advise sue. It must be very difficult to deal with the day to day issues and also deal with the presumably conflicted feelings about who he was and who he is now.
I'm sorry I have to go to bed - my ds will prob be awake at half five if this week is anything to go by.
I will check this thread tomorrow or see if you have posted in relationships.
I hope you get some support here and in rl and that tomorrow is an easier day for you.

sunnydelight · 12/05/2010 01:22

Cheers for the tip on how to MN Casmama

Original poster

justsue · 12/05/2010 01:22

aww thank you casmama i really appreciate that, not sure how to move the thread but will try, you sleep well xx

To eveyone else, thank you for all your advice and kind thoughts (for the mean ones they have gone over my head

OP posts:

unltd · 12/05/2010 01:27

oh sue I dont really know what to say

I think maybe you have to think about whats best for you, forget about what your mum would have wanted or how grateful he is now

just try to do what makes life better for you

I have to go to bed too, will check in the morning and hopefully I might have better advice then

Take care and mind yourself, im sure you will get lots of good advice

Original poster

justsue · 12/05/2010 01:30

awww now im going to cry lol, see mumsnet to me is not that bad xxxxxxx

take care unltd xxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

justsue · 12/05/2010 01:44

can i just say that obviously morro I will be looking after dad so if i appear to be not here i will be in the early evening to defend myself

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 12/05/2010 01:53

justsue, I'm sure I recognise your story - you seem to have been taken advantage of in a big way by your siblings and in a very sad situation re. your Dad.

However - you are doing it for your Mum. You have chosen to do it because you have compassion. You haven't dumped him in a home because he is your father, despite being a prick to you when you were a teenager - family ties mean more to you than that. He is pathetically grateful to you now even though he has dementia and misremembers earlier days.

I think if you can, you need to shift the way you look at things - perhaps forget that this man is the one who put you in care (even though that is a very deep wound), because this man that you care for now is not that one. This man is a poor needy creature who has been abandoned by the rest of his family.

The strain of caring for him on your own is obviously getting too much for you - can you organise respite care for him? I can't remember who has power of attorney for your Dad, or control of his money - are you involved in that at all or is it down to your sibs who have walked away?

HeartOfCrystal · 12/05/2010 02:05

Justsue, I know how hard it can be to keep your chin up on bad days. Most days it feels like your on auto pilot, just trying to block out the situation, and just get through the day (easier said then done when it's staring you in the face). You feel duty bound, but given the choice things would be much different.

You should really sit your family down, and tell them that they need to help. If they take the pressure off even just for a day a week, that will give you a little breathing space. If they refuse get in touch with social services, and request some outside help. It does not mean you have failed, and i am positive your mum would be very proud of you. Everybody needs a break every now and then, don't let this eat anyway at you.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Sue xxx

fidelma · 12/05/2010 02:18

SUE You need some support and some rest bite.You are only human and you have deep feelings.Please get some support for yourself.

thumbwitch · 12/05/2010 02:45

fidelma, do you mean "respite"?

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2010 05:03

Sue, you owe this man absolutely NOTHING! It sounds like caring for him is wearing you down, and how could it not after what he put you through?

I was born with a cleft lip, and at birth my mother rejected me. Don't get me wrong, I lived with her until I was 18, but that is all I did...live! There was no emotional closeness, no trace of love! I only had 2 ops. I was 9 when I had my last one & woke throwing up blood....my mother nowhere to be found. I cried for her & the nurse phoned her, but she needed to stay at home for work the next day. She rejected me over & over. When finally she told me, at 16, that she never wanted me & should have been allowed an abortion (my father wouldn't hear of it). Instead of making the most of it, of me, see used my cleft to distance herself from me. We haven't spoken for almost 20yrs.

4 yrs ago, she walked past me in a shop 3 days before I emigrated. She looked at me...she knew I was going & just let me walk out of her life. For good. I will never ever forgive her, and I will not ever contemplate ever caring for her.

To do so would crush me completely...to see to her needs when she couldn't see mine. No.

What I don't understand is this 'Dont get me wrong I make sure that he is well fed, warm,well looked after etc. I do this for my mum'

Sorry if this seems harsh, but where was she when he put you in care? Did she stop him? Because if not, your loyalty is misplaced! You are doing this, if not for him, for her....but she allowed you to be sent away too.

'I have four siblings who have literally walked away and I think to myself "for fucks sake I am not even in the fucking will and I am his carer", they hate him simple as that, but i try and have a bit of compassion and tonight I am struggling'

You are struggling because it sounds like you are in pain, that this is not what you want & that you want to walk away too.

If looking after him makes you feel good, makes you happy etc...then great! Continue. But in all honesty, it doesn't sound like you are either of those things, so I would advise you to think really hard about why you are doing this.

He said he sent you away because you are not 'perfect'. Are you trying to become 'perfect' to him now? Is that why you are putting yourself through this? Because as you said, he can't remember how he treated you, so you will never change his mind & become 'perfect' to him.

I am sorry if I upset you, but I really think you need to look after yourself! Sounds like you are drowning here, trying to attain the unattainable.

differentnameforthis · 12/05/2010 05:07

And if you do decide to walk away, it doesn't mean that you don't have compassion!

Jamiki · 12/05/2010 06:21

I tried to care for my MIL for my husbands sake. This woman from a different culture was demented and nasty and had always disliked me with fervour.

It didn't end well. I know better now than to 'try to do the right thing' when there are serious long term issues that don't run in your favour.

Move him to a home and visit. That would be enough to honour your mothers memory.

At this point in time you need to put your own family and your welfare first.

EricNorthmansmistress · 12/05/2010 08:10

Fidelma you aren't a SW in the SE are you? I've seen someone else write it 'rest bite'

Sue I think if you look back at this thread you will see that MN is actually awesome. Your OP was confrontational and unfair but despite that people have mostly seen you are unhappy and struggling and given you good advice.

If you want this post moved click 'report' and ask MN to move it.

FWIW I think you are very selfless. I wouldn't do what you are doing.

mandyj9999 · 12/05/2010 09:05

oh dear god..why is she on here to moan about what we are moaning about?? dosnt that make her even worse?? probably just looking for a reaction aint ya hen! naebodys interested. quite laughable, im a newbie to mumsnet.. been nothing but helpful and reasurring to me!! thanks girls !! x

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/05/2010 09:17

mandy best to read the thread before launching in with yer hobnail boots

a newbie mistake if I may say so

Sue

Caring for a person with dementia may mean that the person will need specialist care in a home and that is no reflection on the carer

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