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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to this wedding

149 replies

scrummymum · 10/05/2010 12:41

I know this is a common question so sorry.

Me and DH have been invited to a wedding in September. It is one of DH's friends who he has known for about 10 years. He used to work with him until about 2/3 years ago but he does go out socially with him occasionally (although it was a lot more often before we had the DC's). I know him too as in the past I have been to parties/nights out where he has been, picked him up from nights out and he came to my DD's christening and our wedding. I haven't seen him for over a year as DH has only seen him on lads nights out and I have only met his bride to be on a couple of occasions.

My problem is that it states on the invite that they are not inviting children. I am in the camp of thinking that weddings are for families and basically, if they don't want my whole family there, then I won't be going too. I know that this is something that people do and that is up to them of course, its their day, but then I won't be attending. We have also found out since, that the best man is allowed to take his then 3 month old baby as his gf may be bf'ing. Again, I understand why she is allowed to take her baby but it just annoyed me. She may not be able to bf in which case will she have to leave it at home. It obviously goes without saying that this couple that are getting married are childless.

The other thing is that it says on the invite to rsvp in the next month but how do I know 4 months in advance, that I can have an all day/all night babysitter. My parents are retired but go on lots of holidays in their caravan. They may be away that day. My sister and bil work on a weekend. Sister takes her DD with her but I can hardly ask her to take my two too.

AIBU or are they to think that parents can just magic up a full day of babysitting this far in advance. I am quite lucky. Some people don't have anyone to look after their DC's at all. Do couples with no children think that you wave a wand and the kids can be made invisible for a day.

OP posts:

Buzzybb · 10/05/2010 22:29

OP I would go and enjoy couple time UANBU if you choose to complain about the cost of the gift. I hate being told what to give as a gift.
Could there be restrictions on children in the venue? My brother got married in a registry office and they really did not welcome smallies also the venue for the meal and the afters [main day was immediate family only] wanted all children gone by 7 pm and tbh those of us who had to mind the little people [including the bride and groom who had 3 children] were only to happy to see them go home, they were tired and bored. Also my BF is getting married in July and no children because of cost, with a lot of siblings and Aunts and Uncles on both sides [Euro 95 per person and Euro 50 per child] They also have restrictions re children who must be gone by 7 pm. The meal begins at 6pm so they would not even get a meal, meaning it would be a waste of money.
We have gotten the invitation 10 weeks before the wedding which was great to find a babysitter [Granny could make sure she is free to baby sit at the hotel so long as we treat her at the spa the next morning ]

Foxymona · 11/05/2010 02:13

I think you are taking it too personally tbh.

Maybe they have many friends with kids and are on a budget? Maybe they don't want their friends to be running around after their kids for their wedding?

You are not family and they are not obliged to invite your children and for goodness sake would you not take the chance to go out and let your hair down for the night?

It's your choice at the end of the day and I am not one for doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable but I would be chomping at the bit to go

sunnydelight · 11/05/2010 05:14

I would hate people to think that I can never be treated as an individual and would get the hump if my kids weren't invited to everything I was. YABU - you have plenty of time to sort out a sitter if you choose to do so.

mamasparkle · 11/05/2010 05:29

God you are all foul.OP,yanbu.Think it is shitty to tell ppl they can't bring their kids.Stay away.Ignore witches on here...

gtamom · 11/05/2010 07:31

In my world people actually do go out for parties and things without children. They also go to family type events with children.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
However, you don't have to go. Although he did attend your wedding, you mentioned.

Do you not ever attend events with your husband simply because he would like you there?

Maybe you can think about it before you send in your reply. See if your parents are willing to take the children, and think about it.
You may change your mind after mulling it over for a bit.

fustyarse · 11/05/2010 07:56

OP, seriously, don't go - this is clearly causing you too much stress, and you're upset about the costs involved.

Sometimes you get invited to weddings along with your kids, sometimes you don't - it's not life or death

If I was you and was able to arrange babysitters for a whole night I would be kicking my height and really looking forward to it

I love my dcs, but still enjoy a break from them to just be with my dh, geting dressed up, having a nice meal, socialising...

Of course it's 'one-way' - it's their wedding

You complain that you and your dcs won't see your dh for a couple of weekends - listen, my dh is currently deployed for 6 months - how many weekends is that?

blondewithbump · 11/05/2010 09:50

I think what people seem to be getting worked up by is that you seem to think that this couple should have thought about how THEIR special day will inconvenience you personally when you haven't seem them for a year.
And as for the 'one way' comment, of course it's one way. It's their wedding and no wedding will satisfy everyone so it is perfectly reasonable for the couple to do what they want. If you don't like it then don't go, but don't bitch about them not taking you or your DC into consideration when planning their day because you just come over as childish, selfish and bitter.
And FFS, they are not asking you to leave your child with 'any old body'. Again I imaigine they won't have given who will babysit your DC that much thought, and if they did would presume that as a responsible parent you wouldn't leave your DC with just anybody.

RedRedWine1980 · 11/05/2010 09:55

God you are all foul.OP,yanbu.Think it is shitty to tell ppl they can't bring their kids.Stay away.Ignore witches on here...

Hahahaha classic- not as 'shitty' as using text speak on here though

foureleven · 11/05/2010 11:02

I cant beleive theyve even invited you OP, I have planned my (non existent as no ring ) wedding out and I will be having 30 of our nearest and dearest there. Certainly not paying for someone I havent seen in ayear to eat and drink... and even if I did, I definitly wouldnt be catering for their kids who would invaribly leave there food, do knee skids on the dancefloor, mess up the toilets and make there parents leave at 9pm because theyre tired.
I'm even wondering if I actually want my own kids there!!!! (joke)

ooojimaflip · 11/05/2010 11:18

If you have a wedding and decide that children can't come then accept that some people may not be able to come. Get over it.

If you are invited to a wedding and your children are not then either do or don't go if you don't want to or want to and can't find a way to do so. Get over it.

thederkinsdame · 11/05/2010 11:25

I relaly don't understand this. If your friends were having a dinner party would you expect to take your kids? It's their wedding, their choice. Get a babysitter and go and enjoy yourself as a couple.

porcamiseria · 11/05/2010 11:49

"Have you noticed how the against-no-kids weddings peeps can't seem to see another point of view, while the fine-with-no-kids seem much more flexible and fair?"

NO!!! Its the "their choice brigade" that have been quite nasty IMO

I echo what I said earlier, decline, send DH solo if he wants, end of story

there is no point going to something if the whole concept of the day annoys you, they wont give a flying fuck anyway from the sounds of it , TRIM!

Dancergirl · 11/05/2010 11:59

OP - look there are just some things in life that don't include children, get used to it. As others have said, children are generally not invited to dinner parties or if you were going to a posh expensive restaurant as a treat, that's not really a thing for children.

It's THEIR day and for your own wedding you have to be a bit selfish and put your own needs and wants first. If people choose not to come then they can!

At our wedding, apart from 2 bridesmaids, there was no way we were going to invite people's children. We were paying per head and it wasn't cheap. Inviting children would mean we wouldn't be able to invite other friends who we really wanted there.

Generally speaking, I also think couple time is extremely important even after you have children. One day children will grow up and leave home, but a marriage will (hopefully) last for life. It's also a good lesson for children to see their parents putting effort into their own relationship.

Megatron · 11/05/2010 12:12

Our wedding included children because it was what we wanted but I would never presume that someone else would feel the same way. If we are invited to a wedding and the children are not invited we either politely thank them for the invitation and decline, or we arrange a babysitter. I'm sorry OP but their wedding day is not just about you and your family.

Sassybeast · 11/05/2010 12:29

YABU. I don't like 'no kids at weddings' rules, but i wouldn't boycott a wedding just because of it. But if I had genuine issues with babysitters or logistics (as i have done a few times in the past) then I just wouldn't go.

Clothilde · 11/05/2010 16:18

I don't like "no children" weddings, especially as my children are too young to be left. I'd be annoyed if it was the wedding of a close friend, and I was effectively excluded by a no-children rule. But in your case, the couple getting married aren't close, and you don't seem o care about them that much, so I expect that they haven't given that much thought to you either and don't feel like paying lots of money for you AND your children to go to their reception. So I thing YABU to feel so annoyed. I'd just decline the invitation.

MorrisZapp · 11/05/2010 16:58

Of course YABU but you already know that.

I don't get the whole idea that weddings have to all be either child free or child friendly - surely like adults, some are invited and some not?

ie you'd be much more likely to invite your nephews and neices than the kids of an ex workmate who you haven't met.

Why invite strangers?

bonnieblue · 11/05/2010 17:09

I had the time of my life at the last wedding I went to without my Dcs! I don't remember the last time I stayd up until 4am laughing!

If you don't want to/can't go without your DCs, don't go but don't feel hard done by.

Original poster

scrummymum · 11/05/2010 20:31

Obviously I have made the wrong impression on here and I am a little unsure about what the horsehair tampon comment was all about????

I DO go out regularly with just my DH or with friends to a restaurant and my parents or my sister or sil look after my DC's. I am not chained to my DC's at all times.....I actually have a job too. At least when I go out without my DC's it is my choice rather than someone else telling me that I have to leave them behind. I hate being told what to do.

The guy whose wedding it is, isn't actually a friend of mine which is why I haven't seen him for so long. My DH however, sees him regularly and is one of the group of mates DH goes out with.

You are right though. I really don't want to go. DH knows a lot of people there and I only know the mates of my DH who are all male but do not know any of their wives/gf's that well. My DC's would at least have given me something to do rather than just sit around bored out of my tree.

I have asked my parents about this and they said they would but only if they aren't away so I won't be able to RSVP now anyway.

OP posts:

LittleSilver · 11/05/2010 20:36

Actually it doesn't "obviously go without saying that this couple are childless". DH and I had DD1 when we got married. It was a child-free wedding (except for DD obviously). Why? Because my sister can't control herlittle horrors children and I didn't want them running around like the little yobs spirited children they are whilst my mother winced.

callmeDave · 11/05/2010 20:58

You were complaining on your other thread that he is not that close, your DH only sees him as they meet a mutual friend and your DH has only seen him twice in the last year. Now he is so close to you and your dcs that he should plan his whole wedding around your children. I think that you are determined to think badly of this couple and are determined to me as miserable as possible about it.

Why would you invite the children of a woman who you have only met twice to your wedding?

Original poster

scrummymum · 11/05/2010 23:03

They don't see each other all the time but since when did you have to live in the pockets of your friends. I have friends that I see only now and again.

OP posts:

jellybeans · 11/05/2010 23:14

YANBU I would be the same unless I really wanted to go or it was an evening do. In those cases, me OR DH would go while the other watched the kids.

callmeDave · 12/05/2010 07:47

You do not have to live in the pockets of your friends but you do have to accept that a childless couple who you only see when you meet up with mutual friends, one of whom you have only met twice, do not see you as family and therefore are not under an obligation to spend £200 on dinner for your small children who they hardly know. They are not under any obligation to spend any time with them at all. They are your DHs friends, not your children's family. Nieces and nephews are one thing, best friends children who they have a relationship with, breastfeeding infants and godchildren, yes, but the children of ex workmate who they see on a night out twice a year and wife who they don't see at all are very unlikely to be close enough for a wedding invitation.

Incidently how much notice would have been satisfactory to you to get a babysitter? I am going to a wedding in August and arranged for my mum to come and stay at my house for the weekend ages ago? Why do you think that it is unreasonable to give good notice?

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