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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to this wedding

149 replies

scrummymum · 10/05/2010 12:41

I know this is a common question so sorry.

Me and DH have been invited to a wedding in September. It is one of DH's friends who he has known for about 10 years. He used to work with him until about 2/3 years ago but he does go out socially with him occasionally (although it was a lot more often before we had the DC's). I know him too as in the past I have been to parties/nights out where he has been, picked him up from nights out and he came to my DD's christening and our wedding. I haven't seen him for over a year as DH has only seen him on lads nights out and I have only met his bride to be on a couple of occasions.

My problem is that it states on the invite that they are not inviting children. I am in the camp of thinking that weddings are for families and basically, if they don't want my whole family there, then I won't be going too. I know that this is something that people do and that is up to them of course, its their day, but then I won't be attending. We have also found out since, that the best man is allowed to take his then 3 month old baby as his gf may be bf'ing. Again, I understand why she is allowed to take her baby but it just annoyed me. She may not be able to bf in which case will she have to leave it at home. It obviously goes without saying that this couple that are getting married are childless.

The other thing is that it says on the invite to rsvp in the next month but how do I know 4 months in advance, that I can have an all day/all night babysitter. My parents are retired but go on lots of holidays in their caravan. They may be away that day. My sister and bil work on a weekend. Sister takes her DD with her but I can hardly ask her to take my two too.

AIBU or are they to think that parents can just magic up a full day of babysitting this far in advance. I am quite lucky. Some people don't have anyone to look after their DC's at all. Do couples with no children think that you wave a wand and the kids can be made invisible for a day.

OP posts:

Psammead · 10/05/2010 12:52

YANBU - I would stay away on principle tbh. I think you can take the 'it's their day, so their rules' thing too far.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 10/05/2010 12:53

Because that is what they want, get over it.

minipie · 10/05/2010 12:53

I don't agree that "weddings are for families and if they don't want my whole family there then I won't be going too". They know your DH and you. They don't (judging from your post) know your children. Why should they want people they don't know at their wedding? (regardless of whether those people are children or not).

However I do agree that it is going to be difficult for you to arrange babysitting so far in advance. I think it's a bit unreasonable for the couple to ask for RSVPs so far in advance - a month in advance should really be enough. Do you think you'll be able to work out by a month before the wedding, whether you have a sitter or not? If so, then why not explain this to the couple - say you can't RSVP by the deadline, but you will be able to RSVP by a month beforehand, because then you'll know about childcare, is that ok.

RedRedWine1980 · 10/05/2010 12:53

YOU think they are family occassions- others dont. Why do you not grasp this concept that weddings are about the couples ideals not the guests?

Weta · 10/05/2010 12:54

I think it's lovely to have children at weddings, but it's the couple's choice - and a 3 month old baby is very different to other children (much harder to leave, for a start, but also much less noise/intrusion etc). I would ask your parents if they can babysit, and maybe RSVP but say it's subject to getting a babysitter.

As someone else said, you do sound awfully worked up about this - is there a bit more to it perhaps?

For me it would be more a question of how much I'd have to pay someone to look after them and whether it was worth it to me to do that (and how much DH wanted me there and whether it was worth it to him). But I'd have no problem being asked to go without children - it's important for you to have a life as a couple as well, and it's a good opportunity to have a bit of child-free time!

runnybottom · 10/05/2010 12:54

Who says they are family occasions? Again, not about YOU and YOUR ideas of how a wedding should be.
Self-centred much?

DilysPrice · 10/05/2010 12:56

I think it's not unreasonable to refer to an unborn prospective baby of indeterminate sex as "it" tbh - it's not unreasonable to not want to go to a wedding of fairly distant friends if involves huge babysitting hassles - but it is unreasonable to refer to your preference to have kids at weddings as "principles".

They've invited you to an adults-only do - they've made a one-off exception for a (probably) breastfeeding mum.

You can go, or not go. In your shoes I'd probably send DH on his own.

RedRedWine1980 · 10/05/2010 12:57

DH's cousin said no children on her wedding invite although her 8 month old went. OMG she must have realllllly hated our kid (although she rang a few weeks later and asked what DD would like to eat and said of course she wanted her there but just not loads of other distant friends kids bumping up the price, as it happens we left DD with my parents, stayed in a hotel overnight and had a wonderful drunken time!)

emsyj · 10/05/2010 12:57

For YOU they are family occasions, but for OTHER PEOPLE they may not be. There are in fact no children in my family so the children invited to our wedding were the 3 children of DH's business partner (who didn't come as the parents chose not to bring them), my godson (ditto) and the daughter of a school friend of mine (who was the only invited child who came).

YOU are not their family, by the way. You do know that, don't you??

IMO weddings are about having a party and a lot of few drinks, ergo I must henceforth refuse all invites to weddings where children will be present because that's just not what weddings 'are'...

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 13:00

dont go, simple. Its wont harm anyone if you dont go. you have different opinions on this, just avoud months and months of stress and DECLINE

if you wanted to go and get a babysitter you could not think twice about it!

you barely know him anyway

I am in your camp on this one, but know that alot of people disagree and thats fair enough

RedRedWine1980 · 10/05/2010 13:02

I totally find it sad that people think weddings should be anything other than exactly what the bride and groom want them to be. Can someone explain WHY they feel other peoples wedding day should revolve around their guests and not them?

Original poster

scrummymum · 10/05/2010 13:06

Obviously IABU.

I did say in my first post that it was their choice. However, weddings give people an excuse to be as uncaring and as self centred as they wish under the umbrella of it being "their special day".

I do go out with DH but that is usually an evening when the kids are in bed anyway and on our terms not someone else telling us that it is their day so I have to pack off my children to any old body.

DH works extremely long hours and works most weekends. He is already going on the 4 nights away stag do over the bank holiday weekend, so that is now 2 weekends off that the children aren't going to see him.

Can't see why I am being self centred. Wanting to spend time with my family.. How awful

OP posts:

LadyThompson · 10/05/2010 13:08

Beats me, RedRedWine. I have a DD of nearly 18 months and another on the way, and if I got a wedding invite sans kids I wouldn't be at all offended. Also, when people have older kids, it means they have to have a place at the table. If someone is having a reasonably sized weddding, why on earth should they have to fork out for the offspring of people whom (as in the OP's case) aren't the closest of friends?

OP love, it ain't about you. Or your children. But I think you should let your DH go alone, and your place can be taken by a well wisher who actually wants to be there.

RedRedWine1980 · 10/05/2010 13:11

You dont HAVE to, as someone else said its an invite, you are not being held to ransom. Bloody hell drama queen much?

emsyj · 10/05/2010 13:11

I don't think it is uncaring or self-centred to choose to have your wedding as an adult-only affair. Nobody is obliged to go. You CAN spend time with your family - including on the wedding day. Just decline the invite - simples. Nobody is forcing you to 'pack off your children to any old body'.

LadyThompson · 10/05/2010 13:11

Scrummymum, it's only one day. Why shouldn't they be self-centred? You obviously have ishoos with babysitters ("pack my children off to any old body"? ) As for your DH, he probably wants to go.

Since you ask, self centred people can't usually see that they are being self centred because...they are intrinsically self centred.

porcamiseria · 10/05/2010 13:13

JUST DONT GO THEN!!!!! do something nicer instead ! You cant expect everyone to agree with you!

deaddei · 10/05/2010 13:13

"2 weekends off that the children aren't going to see him"
Oh FGS.
Get the girls round, have a drink and try not to be so embittered.

minipie · 10/05/2010 13:13

Scrummymum - You are perfectly entitled to choose to spend time with your family rather than going to the wedding, if that is what you would prefer. Noone is saying you have to accept the invitation.

But just because you'd prefer to spend the day with your kids, that doesn't mean that the bride and groom are in the wrong for not having invited them.

ClaireyFairy82 · 10/05/2010 13:16

Get a sitter for your lovely kids, who will survive perfectly fine without you for a day. Pamper yourself, wear a lovely dress and enjoy having a day out with your dh on your own.

My friends are getting married - no kids allowed, so my MIL is having DS (4 months - I've pumped so much breastmilk I feel like florence) and she can't wait. It doesn't happen very often and I am going to enjoy every moment with my dh.

fartytowels · 10/05/2010 13:17

Op - YANBU for not wanting to attend the wedding, that's your decision. They don't have kids so probably selfishly or unselfishly didn't even think about it as they are childless.

My childless friend had a no kids do mainly because she wanted her friends to have a free and easy, stay up all night time, she thought it was a GOOD thing to let the adults relax. However they were in mid twenties etc and wanted to party.

My mate and his future wife are having a kids free wedding in June and we are in the same predicament. They have a 3yo DD and she will be attending, but our kids - they have no room for. Now, this is my opinion AND SOLELY MY OPINION (before the claws come out) if you are in your 40's with a child, and all your friends have kids, it is TO ME, a bit strange to not invite them, as it would mean that quite a few of your mates (like us with no family to babysit) will be unable to attend a wedding such a distance away.

Even though I think it's strange it's their decision. So far sadly 4 couples have declined. We just can't do it. It also adds a considerable cost to our day, an overnight babysitter was quoted at £90-100. I am SAHM on my redundancy, so when you add hotel, gift, petrol, drinks outfits etc it's just too much.

Go to Disneyland on the money you would have spent, swallow your principles and don't be angry or bothered, it's nothing personal.

One day, when they have kids you can sit back in the land of I told you so, as they will no doubt be moaning to you about some child-unfriendly something or other....

deaddei · 10/05/2010 13:18

You've posted on this very subject before- and were considered unreasonable then.

RedRedWine1980 · 10/05/2010 13:21

But farty that sounds more like it would cost too much, not be convenient etc rather than 'oh no kids allowed, im not going then'. How bratty.

And im a bit that anyone thinks not going to a wedding for a day will enable them to afford a trip to disneyland pmsl.

Original poster

scrummymum · 10/05/2010 13:22

I have never posted on this subject as we have only just received this invite and it is the first I have ever received that didn't involve my DC's.

OP posts:

runnybottom · 10/05/2010 13:23

You can spend all the time you like with your family, at your home on your own dime.

Seriously, you think they are being selfish, yet you expect them to pay money for you to bring your children along? And presumably everyone elses, since it wouldn't be fair otherwise? That could add hundreds even thousands to their costs, and you think they are being uncaring.

Unbelievable.

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