to not want to go to this wedding

[scrummymum]

I know this is a common question so sorry.

Me and DH have been invited to a wedding in September. It is one of DH's friends who he has known for about 10 years. He used to work with him until about 2/3 years ago but he does go out socially with him occasionally (although it was a lot more often before we had the DC's). I know him too as in the past I have been to parties/nights out where he has been, picked him up from nights out and he came to my DD's christening and our wedding. I haven't seen him for over a year as DH has only seen him on lads nights out and I have only met his bride to be on a couple of occasions.

My problem is that it states on the invite that they are not inviting children. I am in the camp of thinking that weddings are for families and basically, if they don't want my whole family there, then I won't be going too. I know that this is something that people do and that is up to them of course, its their day, but then I won't be attending. We have also found out since, that the best man is allowed to take his then 3 month old baby as his gf may be bf'ing. Again, I understand why she is allowed to take her baby but it just annoyed me. She may not be able to bf in which case will she have to leave it at home. It obviously goes without saying that this couple that are getting married are childless.

The other thing is that it says on the invite to rsvp in the next month but how do I know 4 months in advance, that I can have an all day/all night babysitter. My parents are retired but go on lots of holidays in their caravan. They may be away that day. My sister and bil work on a weekend. Sister takes her DD with her but I can hardly ask her to take my two too.

AIBU or are they to think that parents can just magic up a full day of babysitting this far in advance. I am quite lucky. Some people don't have anyone to look after their DC's at all. Do couples with no children think that you wave a wand and the kids can be made invisible for a day.

When I go to a wedding I like to get pissed and let my hair down, I use it as an excuse to get dressed up and have a break from my kids (I have three of them!).

Look at it as an opportunity to get dressed up without having greasy finger marks all over you. If you don't want to, don't go. Its your decision.

Don't drink, like my kids.

Try this on for size, then OP - I am due to have my first baby in June. We are invited to a no-kids wedding in August and another in October. By your assessment, I should be hopping mad! In reality, I am delighted that I have a valid excuse for avoiding both events, it will save a fortune in travel & accommodation costs and I will send each couple a nice card and gift and think of them fondly as I am wallowing in a hot bath with a glass of wine at 9pm instead of shouting dull small-talk with a bunch of DH's friends over the thump of a crappy disco and queueing up for a wilted tuna sandwich at the buffet.

I think yabu. We got married last year and stated no children. Our nieces attended during the day but my sil arranged a baysitter for the reception.

If we had children then I would probably have invited children.

4 months is a bit far in advance to rsvp but surely the more time you have the easier it is to book a babysitter?

"One day, when they have kids you can sit back in the land of I told you so, as they will no doubt be moaning to you about some child-unfriendly something or other...."

Well, we had no children at our wedding (with a few exceptions- very young, bridesmaids etc) and now have 2 of our own and still think it's absolutely fine to have no children (unless you want everyone to fly to Barbados for a week or something like that....).

Well Redredwine1980 we worked out that after £100 for a babysitter, £200 for the hotel (middle of nowhere, can't find b&b alternative), £100 for drinks (v.flashy hotel, full day there, no free bar), flights each to Scotland to be back for one day babbysitter - £250 , £80 donation to their kitchen extension as requested on the invite, new suit for hubby - at least £300, new outfit for me, even cheapy one £200, petrol to airport £50, hire car or taxis at other end to hotel £60-100.

Now that sounds like about £1400 to me? If you need me I'll be in the Maldives LMAO

Think you have posted about it being unreasonable for dh to go on the stag do.

ah but fartytowels- wouldn't it cost the same or more to take your kids to the wedding?

We have been invited to a wedding reception tomorrow afternoon. DC's were invited, GP's having them. I would like to spend some time talking to adults rather than spend the entire afternoon entertaining my children and stopping then drowning in the swimming pool. I see my DC's all the time and would quite like somw adult time without them.

I like my children as well OP, very much. But everyone needs a break now and again.

If its given you the hump that much then don't go.

Weddings are very expensive and it does add on a lot of money providing meals for children.

I was exclusively breastfeeding when my cousin got married, I went by myself expressed enough for the day and left at nine so I could do the night feeds. I welcomed the break, even though it killed my boobs and it was nice to have some grown up time.

The sensible thing is for your DH to go without you -- you don't want to go to a childfree wedding but he does, and he knows the groom better than you do anyway. In your position I'd be encouraging my DH to get over his insistence that I come too.

Err TVfriend:
Well, we had no children at our wedding (with a few exceptions- very young, bridesmaids etc)

So you did have children at your wedding then?

As I said it's my opinion, sometimes people just don't think about kids if they don't have them, nothing mean, they just don't. But when people do have kids it does change their perspective on things.

How a couple of kids sharing a plate of sausage rolls knocks up the costs I don't know. People seem to forget the outlay you spend as a guest to come to a wedding.

I'm with emsyj, stay home they are bloody boring anyhoo. Standing round in uncomfortable shoes, bloody starving and making small talk to people you don't know or dislike. If it's all about the bride and groom and what they want, why do they bloody bother inviting anyone at all? So they can get a matching dinner service from John Lewis....?

Meh. If you don't want to go, don't go. We were invited to a no-kids wedding last year, miles away from us and from all family/potential sitters - would have been a huge logistical effort to leave dd with anyone, and I was about 7 mo pg at the time of the wedding. DH went, I stayed at home, all was well.

Have the couple ever even met your dc's?

Lordy - you hardly know the couple I doubt they'll give two hoots if you go or don't go.

Its probably down to cost and health and safety. The probably would rather have 2 extra friends there than your dc's - its not personal.

god i hate these threads where the same old comment pops up "wedding are about families - children should be there" blah blah.

You know what, for some people weddings ARE NOT about family - they are about 2 people getting married and if those they love the most are able to share in it then great.

I have a good friend who has lost both parents and no grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. his wedding was a small affair with mostly "mates". it was the coming together of 2 people not their families as far as they were concerned.

Some of the best weddings i've been to have had children there and some haven't. the ones that did had the children there for the drinks reception but families then left before the sit down dinner as they couldn't afford to cater for everyone, but it at least gave "everyone" the chance to attend if they wished.

I much preferred a "no children" wedding which was my own. Only a few friends had babies then and most were thrilled to get the babysitter in and have a lesirely lunch, followed by wedding, followed by evening reception 'til the early hours.

If i had to do it now with the majority of our friends having children, then i still would have a no kids wedding. my choice, my preference and quite frankly my money! some people wouldnt' be able to make it - thats a real shame but understandable - as long as my husband turned up and we were married then thats the most important thing to me.

However, weddings give people an excuse to be as uncaring and as self centred as they wish under the umbrella of it being "their special day. they're NOT. they've organised a day they would like and can afford and have given you 4 bloody months to sort things - do you know that normally official wedding invites only go out 6 weeks before the day??!!!

I do go out with DH but that is usually an evening when the kids are in bed anyway and on our terms not someone else telling us that it is their day so I have to pack off my children to any old body. Again, you've got 4 months to make sure thats its not "any old body" - blimey!!!

Also your DH not seeing the kids for 2 weekends is down to him and not down to the Bride and Groom. have you heard of the concept of having a night out yourself with your own girlfriends or them coming to you. why such doom and gloom because your precious ones are not at the top of someone else's guest list??

Because they want to invite people who mean something to them, who they like and who's company they enjoy. Some people do not enjoy the company of children, doesnt make them selfish in anyway shape or form.

No tv, not the costs of taking kids, the cost of attending any wedding at all, son wouldn't pay for hotel, drinks, just a kids seat on the plane is all it would cost extra.

I just don't like weddings, they are, to me a completely stressful, expensive, sometimes hysteria driven, over emotional waste of time.

Just watching that Four Weddings programme brings me out in hives.....

You sound like a right old martyr scrummy and are behaving like a child throwing its toys out of the plan just because someone has done something (little) that you don't agree with.

It is not a big deal but you are making it sound like it's a real big issue.

FFS book your parents in advance. You say that they might be away so wont be able to babysit. Well then get off your arse, phone then up and find out if they have already booked the date to go away. If not, then book them yourselves. I think you are making excuses.

If they can't babysit then send your DH on his own.

Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do because it means a lot to our other halves.

The world doesn't revolve around your kids you know but by the way you are going on one would think that it does.

I invited kids to my wedding because that is what DH and I wanted. Some came with kids and others chose to leave them at home. But I would have been quite within my rights to have said no kids or only family kids. My SIL only invited family kids as to have the kids of all her friends there aswell would have really jacked up the numbers.

I went to a wedding recently and left DH behind with MIL - had a great relaxing time.

YABVVVVVU

I can't believe a woman you've met twice isn't changing her entire wedding plans to accommodate you.

Pedantic point-
We had basically the same 'policy' as the OP is complaining about- ie no children but of course my friend's 6 week old baby was allowed and my teenage nephews. And strangely enough the bridesmaids were too . The other 25 odd under 5s that we would have had to invite had we asked all our friend's children were not there and their parents managed to have a good day/evening/weekend without them...

their wedding is not about your kids it's about THEM.

either organize a babysitter or don't go.

the fact that they are accommodating a bf 3 month old baby is none of your business and i applaud them for doing it.

Fartytowels: while there won't be an extra cost for a couple more kids if the wedding meal is a sausage-roll type buffet, some people's wedding receptions involve sit-down three-course meals, and including lots of non-family DC in those really puts the price up. Now you may be in the horsehair-tampon wedding camp that always show up on these threads bleating about how morally superior and more 'real' their weddings were because they took place in some damp community centre prefab with a buffet of Lidl crisps and marmite sandwiches, but an awful lot of people like their weddings and receptions to be a bit more formal and grown up and classy. And if they are paying for it, it;s up to them.

SGD

tvfriend, i think a bit of wee leaked out at the horsehair tampon comment.

this whole "weddings are about families - children should be there" is a load of misguided cobblers.

I presume you are harbouring this belief from the old traditional view of a wedding, celebration of family, coming together blah blah. That is a lovely romantic vision, but those sorts of weddings would have been for family and neighbours.

So if you hold true to that vision of a wedding, you wouldn't have been invited. So either way, your children wouldn't have gone. So by extension, you can't get upset about them not seeing this couple get married (and I presume that is what you are upset about..? Your children missing out on being a part of their day and seeing them make their vows )

You can't cherry pick bits of tradition and modern to form your 'principles' just to save you having to be a bit more organised and sort out a baby sitter...