to not want to go to this wedding

[scrummymum]

I know this is a common question so sorry.

Me and DH have been invited to a wedding in September. It is one of DH's friends who he has known for about 10 years. He used to work with him until about 2/3 years ago but he does go out socially with him occasionally (although it was a lot more often before we had the DC's). I know him too as in the past I have been to parties/nights out where he has been, picked him up from nights out and he came to my DD's christening and our wedding. I haven't seen him for over a year as DH has only seen him on lads nights out and I have only met his bride to be on a couple of occasions.

My problem is that it states on the invite that they are not inviting children. I am in the camp of thinking that weddings are for families and basically, if they don't want my whole family there, then I won't be going too. I know that this is something that people do and that is up to them of course, its their day, but then I won't be attending. We have also found out since, that the best man is allowed to take his then 3 month old baby as his gf may be bf'ing. Again, I understand why she is allowed to take her baby but it just annoyed me. She may not be able to bf in which case will she have to leave it at home. It obviously goes without saying that this couple that are getting married are childless.

The other thing is that it says on the invite to rsvp in the next month but how do I know 4 months in advance, that I can have an all day/all night babysitter. My parents are retired but go on lots of holidays in their caravan. They may be away that day. My sister and bil work on a weekend. Sister takes her DD with her but I can hardly ask her to take my two too.

AIBU or are they to think that parents can just magic up a full day of babysitting this far in advance. I am quite lucky. Some people don't have anyone to look after their DC's at all. Do couples with no children think that you wave a wand and the kids can be made invisible for a day.

Can you really not bear ot be without your kids for one weekend?

Go, let your hair down

'sorry got to now apparently...' my gosh, childish or what?
Exactly WHO says weddings should be about families/celebrating family culture? Its up to the individual if they feel THEIR wedding should be about family and celebrating family culture. It shouldnt be pressumed weddings SHOULD involve everyone under the sun.

Have you noticed how the against-no-kids weddings peeps can't seem to see another point of view, while the fine-with-no-kids seem much more flexible and fair?
Maybe some people need to chill the fuck out have a night off from their demons darlings?

Just don't go. Not really an issue imo.

They probably haven't got room for your children as spinster Aunty Doris has already insisted on having her dear pussies there 'as they are her children' and Uncle Cyril is demanding a special doggy chair at table for his noxious-farted half blind Jack Russell.

Or it could just be that they are labouring under the woeful misapprehension that since it's their wedding, they are free to invite whom they choose.

We've been invited to a wedding in Sept when DC (as yet unborn) will probably be around 6 to 8 wks old. Obviously she is not mentioned on the invite! We have contacted them (they do know I am PG obviously, but won't have thought about it with everything else going on!) to say that we wil be 'with child', and as such we understand if they don't want us (or rather a teeny nipper) there. If they do still want us, we will suggest sitting at the back of the ceremony and popping into the evening, but not going to the sit down meal. Not because it wouldn't be important to us, but because as I will probably/hopefully eb breastfeeding etc we suspect however polite they are, they won't want a possibly screaming baby there. If they really really want us to go then obviously we will go with their wishes. I certainly won't be cross if they don't want her there, despite the fact that it wouldn't have bothered me at all last year when I got married...we had tonnes of little ones there!

What I am trying to say (in a round about way) is that I don't get why this is so much of an issue for you. The 'principle'? Of what? That not everyone agrees with you? C'est la vie. If you don't want to go, don't...but there is no need to get such a strop on about it.

He came to your DD's christening which isn't exactly fun when you have no children; many childless people decline these invites. I know some of my friends did! Bite the bullet and return the favour.

Children cry or 'chatter amusingly' through the vows. That's the biggest worry I reckon. And, no, you can't just assume parents will remove them.

I put in my OP.

I know that this is something that people do and that is up to them of course, its their day

but am I BU not to go. According to this thread the answer is no.

I am sure that it is more expensive to have people's DC there but how much do they care about the finances of the people attending. The stag do is a v.expensive affair, 4 days (which means a couple of days off work) with hotel, drink, food and a few activities. I don't know exactly what she is doing but it is also a weekend away. Then you have wedding outfits, a present which they have asked for a set amount and drinks for a full day and evening. We have to travel a fair way so petrol costs and a hotel stay.

Seems a bit one way to me.

A bit one way? It's their wedding they will be providing you with food, entertainment etc and they are inviting you as a guest nobody is forcing you to go.

It seems as though you have two issues one being children not being invited and two the cost of attending. If you are really this bitter maybe it would be best if you didn't go anyway!

The stag do is unreasonable. I would be persuading DH NOT to attend that.

And requesting a set amount of money as a wedding presnt would have me turning down the invitation - very crass and grasping.

Don't go - even though you are BU about the children / babysitting

YANBU not to go.

YABU to be whinging about the fact that the wedding is childfree and that an exception has been made for a breastfeeding infant.

If you'd started off with their having asked for a set amount as a present, you'd have got pretty unanimous support. That is TACKY.

Actually I agree with you in a way I think children make a wedding I don't have to many friends and family so at my wedding I am inviting children and putting on entertainment for them.

However my childless uncle recently got married and invited only family's and wedding party children. This was because he had 120 guest that was the bare minimum he could invite without offending and most had one child half had two. He spent a lot of money on his wedding and it roughly cost 100 per head. Do you realize that to add children it would have cost him at least £6000 extra.

You don't have to go that is why it is an invite and not a summon but don't question their wedding day you said yourself you haven't seen them in years so they are probably only inviting close children which obviously yours are not. I would not go for someone I had not seen in a while but I would not get stroppy about it.

Do the bride and groom even know your dcs? Your op suggests that they don't. Why would they want random people who they don't know at their wedding? Are you also arsey that your parents/siblings/maiden aunts aren't going to your DHs ex colleauges wedding as it is a family occasion (btw, that generally means the couples family, not the family of people they used to work with a few years ago and have seen once in the past year).

I think yabu. It is their wedding, their choice, it's an invite not a court ordered appearance, don't go if you don't want to go without your kids!

I had children at my wedding, loved every minute of it, my choice. Went to best friends wedding last year, no children invited, got a sitter, had a brilliant night out with my DH. Didn't even enter my head to think it was an unreasonable request, why would it? Having children does not give you an automatic entitlement to have them with you at every single event, you are however completely entitled to decline any invites that don't include them.

Personally, as much as I love my DC's, I also like to spend time alone with my DH and welcome such invitations!

if it bothers you this much then don't bother going and save yourself time and effort. then you won't have to worry about trying to get a babysitter!

Does anyone ever stop to think it may be the venue that say they don't want children there, and it's not the couple being horrible and selfish by not inviting DC's? And ok, fair enough, they could go somewhere else, but it could be the place they've always wanted/easiest for family/friends/them to get to/only place big enough for the guest list/only suitable place for disabled guests etc.

I really am not bothered about invites to no-children events. They don't happen often, but when they do I gladly take them up, because I'm tied to my DS sometimes I like a night off.

FTR I'm getting married in September, allowing children because in the day there will only be 2 little ones and a teen, and the evening is just a free-for-all anyway. But if there were a lot of children among my close friends/family, I would probably do no-childre with the exception of babies purely for space and cost issues.

YANBU for not going, but please don't tell them it's because of the "principle" of our dc's not being invited, or that you can't book a babysitter 4 months in advance because that's VU

" a present which they have asked for a set amount"

What does that mean? Have they dictated how much you should spend on a present?

Sorry but you are being unreasonable.
I have two children, I love them to bits I think they are the greatest kids in the whole wide world, but I do not expect everyone else in the whole wide world to make their plans around my children.
I have been to weddings with the children and to weddings without the children.

I get really fed up with these endless threads saying boo hoo my children have not been invited it so unfair.
And obviously the couple are childless I went to a wedding of a childless couple and it was the most child friendly wedding I had ever been to, gift bags for the children on the tables, childs menu, clown, we took DS1 as he was 8 we left DS2 with my sister for the day as he was 4 and I worried he would not sit through a 2 hour wedding mass and after all it is the bride and grooms day and I did not want a bored 4 year old spoiling it.

I think a lot of parents need to accept that their children are just not that important in the grand scheme of things in other peoples lives

OMG I cannot believe this woman!! You hardly know either the bride or groom and you expect them to use a precious place up on your kids that they have probably never met??? Does your nickname give away what you are?? totally lost without your 'mummy' tag?? FGS get a life - enjoy the weekend and I'm sure GPs would love to have your little precious darlings !!! FUME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they are family occasions, "their" family,we didn't have kids at our 2nd wedding, except our own and immediate family, as to start inviting whole families of friends would have added at least 30 more to the venue. That means increased cost and also providing some sort of distraction for what can be quite a boring day for kids. Frankly when my dc were small a wedding invite that didn't include them meant a lovely outing for me and my dh. And 4 months notice is more than adequet time to find a sitter.

FWIW I regularly go out without my DC and have no problem leaving them with other people. The groom is one of DH's close friends. I haven't seen him over the past year but DH has seen him regularly and yes, he knows our DC very well.

I know this board is called AIBU and I expected people to either agree or disagree but the nastiness on this thread is unbelievable. Do you lot know this bride and groom???? You seem to be getting more worked up than I am and I do know them.

When I got married we invited kids (of friends, relatives were invited without question) as I didn't want people to not be be able to come if they couldn't get a sitter. I, personally, before I had DS (and still now TBH!) was not a child person and don;t think they "make" a wedding. It was also interesting that half of our friends with kids had no intention of bringing them and loved having a weekend of freedom!
For a whole day and eve, I'd EXPECT 4 months notice so I could organise a babysitter.
MY BF is getting married in Oct and I am a bridesmaid. My DS, who will be one, is her godson, and is invited. But, I am bringing along his granny so she can take him away later in the day so me and DH can enjoy the event, not have to leave early or worry about a small child getting tired and grumpy.
And how can OP get arsey that a 3 month old is invited as they'll need to be BF. Oh how wrong of them!
And a set amount for the present? I expect this is the usual wedding list where obviously the prices are set (you can't haggle in John Lewis!) but most people have price ranges to suit everyone.

I think the reason why I felt the need to post on here is that despite being a mum to a gorgeous DS who is of course the centre of my world, I still don;t think being surrounded by them is how you make a day / event complete!

scrummymum - I am having EXACTLY the same thing with my DH at the mo and feel the same as you. I dislike the friend though as well - various reasons. DH wants me to go as it will eat into our annual holiday and he'll be sad without me. I have decided I am not going on principle and because I dislike the couple. If he is sad, nevermind - he can't have everything and it is his choice.