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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to this wedding

149 replies

scrummymum · 10/05/2010 12:41

I know this is a common question so sorry.

Me and DH have been invited to a wedding in September. It is one of DH's friends who he has known for about 10 years. He used to work with him until about 2/3 years ago but he does go out socially with him occasionally (although it was a lot more often before we had the DC's). I know him too as in the past I have been to parties/nights out where he has been, picked him up from nights out and he came to my DD's christening and our wedding. I haven't seen him for over a year as DH has only seen him on lads nights out and I have only met his bride to be on a couple of occasions.

My problem is that it states on the invite that they are not inviting children. I am in the camp of thinking that weddings are for families and basically, if they don't want my whole family there, then I won't be going too. I know that this is something that people do and that is up to them of course, its their day, but then I won't be attending. We have also found out since, that the best man is allowed to take his then 3 month old baby as his gf may be bf'ing. Again, I understand why she is allowed to take her baby but it just annoyed me. She may not be able to bf in which case will she have to leave it at home. It obviously goes without saying that this couple that are getting married are childless.

The other thing is that it says on the invite to rsvp in the next month but how do I know 4 months in advance, that I can have an all day/all night babysitter. My parents are retired but go on lots of holidays in their caravan. They may be away that day. My sister and bil work on a weekend. Sister takes her DD with her but I can hardly ask her to take my two too.

AIBU or are they to think that parents can just magic up a full day of babysitting this far in advance. I am quite lucky. Some people don't have anyone to look after their DC's at all. Do couples with no children think that you wave a wand and the kids can be made invisible for a day.

OP posts:

fartytowels · 10/05/2010 13:56

and thank you solidgoldbrass you have proved my point about over emotional bridezilla hysteria beautifully....

Don't remember saying anything morally superior re my wedding, just remember saying I don't like them full stop.

Ooooh how I dream of having a three course meal one day [hmmm]

sparechange · 10/05/2010 13:57

Also, I really, really dislike this idea that anyone who spends any time away from their DCs doesn't like them. It is total, utter nonsense.

What do you do when your parents want to see your DCs normally? Accompany them on the visit? Will you go with them to sleepovers?

tvfriend · 10/05/2010 13:58

I would LOVE to be invited to a no children wedding now. When DS was 4 months left him and his sister with my Mum and went to a wedding a few hours away. Snuck up to the hotel room at 9.30 for 12 hours uninterrupted sleep- was fantastic!

WilloughbyWallaby · 10/05/2010 14:00

YABU and a bit childish.

When DH and I got married I was pregnant, but we didn't have any other children there, though lots of our friends had kids. No one made a fuss, they all came and had a nice time. Weddings are expensive and YABU to expect people who hardly know you to make allowances for your children. It's their day.

Weddings can be about whatever the couple in question want them to be about. For you, it's family, for me, it was DH and me, and sod anyone who didn't want to come and celebrate the wonderful occasion of our marriage with happy hearts and no judging. You seem to have this ridiculous notion that everyone should agree with whatever you think. Get real. People are different, that's the beauty of life.

On another note, chill out. You are not doing yourself any favour getting so wound up about something so small.

fireupthequattro · 10/05/2010 14:06

YANBU to not want to go, but you sound a bit crabby about the reasons why, and an undercurrent of grumpiness about the fact the DH wants to go when you think he shouldn't if you see what I mean.

Just don't go. Do something else.

PMSL at some of the haughty brides on here.

Why are weddings soooo emotional.???

Never quite understood it myself. And no, didn't have community centre bowl of crisps affair, went over to the Caribbean and wed on a yacht.

Now I'm going to get slated for being selfish and not having my family and friends there PMSL Actually I think they were relieved at not having to endure another "perfect day".

Olifin · 10/05/2010 14:17

Sounds like you don't really want to go and don't know them all that well, so I wouldn't probably wouldn't go if I felt like that.

I must admit that I don't really understand why people get upset if their children aren't invited to a wedding. We invited children to ours but I don't feel offended if we get an invite which doesn't include our DCs. In fact, one of my best friends is getting married in September and not inviting children and I CANNOT BLOODY WAIT to have a whole day and night away without having to worry about them and being able to drink copiously

Sorry, do I sound a bit too enthusiastic?

MintHumbug · 10/05/2010 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumpyOldWoman · 10/05/2010 14:27

So if you were invited to an evening at the Opera to celebrate an older relative's birthday, would you be outraged that they hadn't invited your children? or a game of golf, or a paintballing day?

Some weddings are child friendly, some aren't. Maybe they are paying £100 per head, and just don't want to add £1000 to the bill for a number of children who will refuse the food, cry and tar about during the speeches.

I like 'all and sundry' weddings, I like child-free occasions, and personally think the childfree wedding that does include you is a more reasonable than a stag do that takes a whole weekend and does not inlcude you.

But in the end, if you can't / don't want to accept the invite, politely decline and move on without moaning.

MadamDeathstare · 10/05/2010 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhCobblers · 10/05/2010 14:32

Sparechange : you talk complete sense

runnyhabbit · 10/05/2010 14:33

YANBU to not want to go to this wedding

YABU with your reasons

Like many others, we are in similar predicament. Dh cousin getting married in August, and invite states no children. Mine and dh first thought was "fantastic, adult weekend away" However, the wedding is on a Sunday, so would dh would have to take Monday off (& gets v little hols) I've since been made redundant, so there are cost implications (wedding is other side of UK, so would be hotel job) and the only babysitters are my parents. As it turns out my parents are away that very weekend.
I suggested dh going alone, but dh said we both go, or neither of us (he really doesn't want to go without me)

But in no way, shape, or form, do we think badly of the bride & groom - it's their day, they are paying for it, they can do what they bloody well want!

kitsmummy · 10/05/2010 14:34

SGB - your response to farty is spot on

runnyhabbit · 10/05/2010 14:35

DOW - totally agree with your point about the stag do. That would pee me off more than the wedding.

foureleven · 10/05/2010 14:37

I would invite kids to my wedding, because I have kids. Before I had my own, I wouldnt have wanted them there.

YABU to expect them to have kids at their wedding if they dont want them. But no, not U to not go. Do as you please!

PrettyCandles · 10/05/2010 14:38

Havent read the thread but: if you don't want to go then don't go. They seem pefectly reasonable in their attitudes - no matter how you feel about weddings this is their wedding not yours. My parents also travel but I wouldn't hestiate to ask then whether they can fit babysitting for me in with their plans. I do it most years for dh's work Xmas do. No reason not to ask - you'ld be givingthem plenty of notice.

sparechange · 10/05/2010 14:38

OhCobblers
I've done a screen grab of your post to show DH
If the men in white coats come knocking on your door later, he probably sent them...

sparechange · 10/05/2010 14:39

OhCobblers · 10/05/2010 14:40

x post

MrsVidic · 10/05/2010 14:44

don't go then and let your DH go- simples!

YABVU for getting offended and not going on principle- if they invoted everybodies children - how much would that cost extra? Would they all be behaved? What if the establishment isn't child friendly?

BritFish · 10/05/2010 14:59

SGD wins here with that comment.

you dont have to do ANYTHING. your DH doesnt HAVE to go to the stag do, and you dont HAVE to go to the wedding. if you cant do it/dont want to then dont go, i really fail to see what your problem is here.

no they're not going to invite your DC's, they barely know you never mind your snotty nosed noisy whiny children

i hate kids at weddings, because i cant relax with my kids there as i could never finish a conversation or a drink!
a baby crying in a church and tired bored stiff children complaining to their parents does not a happy wedding atmosphere make.
but i have been to a few of children included weddings, that have been lovely. but it was usually the couples own children, or a friend of a friend who was running a creche/movie night in another room, which i thought was a brilliant idea!

Chandon · 10/05/2010 15:04

yabu

and a grumpy cow!

maximinimum · 10/05/2010 15:05

YABU - you should be grateful for any invite at all! Ask your parents to babysit, they have lots of notice, then go and enjoy yourself.

We're getting married in 2 weeks - there will be 30 children there! Luckily we have found a very child friendly and flexible venue (no horsehair tampons in sight ), charging little for the children's food, otherwise it could have ramped up the cost hugely. I can understand why people choose to have child-free weddings from a cost point of view, but if the majority of your guests, like ours, have at least 2 children, to me it seems a bit sad to exclude them. Of course, I've got 2 dds of my own, so it would be very weird to have them there and no other children. But each to their own when it comes to weddings.

sharbie · 10/05/2010 15:16

Oh dear I do feel for you.I have been in this situation before with a close relative though.This was about 10 years ago before the 'no children' rule was that common.
I personally feel it is a bit sad and doesn't really do much to enforce family culture/celebrations etc if DC are excluded does it?? Shame I think.
Anyway we were all invited to the wedding (ceremony) and sit down reception (some miles from home) but were told adults only for the evening celebrations.
This was really inconvenient as we bought outfits,presents etc but then had to leave after a few hours.I was soooo when we received the invitation.
So we made a plan, after the meal and the speeches we made a big fuss of getting up getting the DC (DS was a baby)and all their stuff together and then walking up to the top table (smiling and waving) 'yes,yes got to go now apparently'.
Well it made us feel better.
Of course goes without saying now that the happy couple have precious DC of their own now and everything, everything revolves around their bedtime,napping etc.
Makes me smile.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2010 15:20

Decline the invite if your DH feels the same.

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