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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to start a family?

115 replies

whatsrightandwhatswrong · 10/05/2010 10:58

I've namechanged for this one.

I've been with DP for over 5 years. We have a house, both have good, well paying jobs and have been living together for over 3 years now. I desperately want to get married and start a family with DP, I love him so much and don't ever want to be with anyone else and the time is right in our lives to take the next step. I'm 27, he's 30. However DP says he's not sure he's ready for it yet. He can't give me a legitimate reason for not wanting it, and just says its not right at the moment - and can't give me a timescale as to when it will be (ok, I was BU to ask this, I know........) All I want is to be happily married with my DP, and to start having a family together, but he says IABU to want this at the moment and should just enjoy what we have while we can.

So I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU with a hint of WWYD?

(BTW - I have re-read before posting and realise I come across as a bit of a mad woman - but I've simply come to the time in my life when it's right to settle down and be with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's said he wants that too and doesn't want to be without me, wants a future etc. and isn't at all against marriage or kids....sorry trying to give you all the info before I post!)

OP posts:
EveWasFramed · 10/05/2010 11:04

I only have a negative story like yours, I'm afraid! Friend got engaged to her DP at 30, and she is now nearly 50, still engaged, living at home with her mom, childless, and going on 'dates' with DP a few nights a week.

Don't know...I would give him YOUR timeline, and if he can't stick to it, you need to move on.

upahill · 10/05/2010 11:05

I think all you can do is wait.
It was the oppposite way round in my relationship with my now DH knowing straight away he wanted to get married and have children. He was 28. He was 34 before I agreed and everything has worked out (It is now 20 years later and we have 2DC)

I hope you get what you want and be happy.

runnybottom · 10/05/2010 11:05

You can't make him want what you want. Of course YANBU to want it, but neither is he BU by not being ready yet.

Sonilaa · 10/05/2010 11:07

talk to him and give him the facts. your clock is ticking, ttc might take a year, if you find out now, that you can*t have kids naturally it might be late to go another route...
also, ttc is really fun

gingernutlover · 10/05/2010 11:08

YANBU to expect to know what the future may hold

I think you are within reasonability to ask will he want to ever get married and have children - you are 27 years old and if that is what you defianatly want and he definatly doesnt, then maybe he is the wrong man for you.

My brother is 28 and has lost 2 girlfriends in the last 3 years because he would not commit, or even indicate that he wanted marriage and kids. They were right to leave IMO, they felt they were wasting their time being with someone who didnt want what they did out of life.

pearlym · 10/05/2010 11:08

Be careful, he may just not want marriage and kids with you, if he cannot give valid reasons for not wanting it now, he may however want it later with someone else!
you are not that young, i am 42, with 2 DD, but I have 2 friends who wasted 30s with guys who said did not want kids etc yet,,,,,,,,,,,, yet stretched on until my mate was 36, then he told her did not love her any more and left her. nice.
do not want ot scare you, but try to find out if he really is committed to you forever, buying a house is not a real committment in the way having kids is, so do try to get o bottom of it, do not hink yuo are being unreasonable, think i owuld have had kids at 30ish if i got act together, so not mad woman to want ot at least get moving on it

sarah293 · 10/05/2010 11:09

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LadyintheRadiator · 10/05/2010 11:14

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LadyintheRadiator · 10/05/2010 11:14

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 10/05/2010 11:15

I don't think YABU, I think if it were me I'd ask him for a commitment of when he thinks he may have time to decide. Actaully, I'd say that if he wasn't able to commit to me and my wanting a child he could take the high way. me and my dh took 14 years to get our dd.

tethersend · 10/05/2010 11:15

It is worth noting that it's slightly different for men though- for many of them, the paternal urge doesn't kick in until they are holding their child.

You are both young, I think you need to make your feelings clear and stick to them- having kids is a dealbreaker for you, as it would be for me. He needs to know that in order to keep you, kids will have to be part of the equation.

If he really doesn't want kids ever, he is simply not your soulmate.

omaoma · 10/05/2010 11:16

hmmmm I guess there are several interpretations for what is going on:

  1. he is saying is that he is not yet ready mentally to assume the 'role' of 'somebody responsible'. In one sense that is great, because he recognises that having a family means you commit to something deep and meaningful rather than something you rush into without thought, so that's positive. My DH had this mental timetable that you didn't get married before 30, and THEN you had kids, so that's what we did (wasn't that long a wait thankfully). He did love me and came through on these things. In this storyline, at some point your bloke will be ready. However you having to wait for him to reach something mythic mental place of being 'ready' isn't great.

  2. he is just not that into you and either doesn't quite realise it yet or is in denial. (possibly you realise this is an option, albeit an unlikely one we assume, and this is why you are feeling v anxious?)

  3. he will be the type of person who is never ready for a baby (see Eve's story above).

I don't know what the answer is but wonder if it helps to work your way through your own feelings with this. Do you have a lurking reason why you really really really want a baby now? Might there be some insecurity on your part? For me, there was an emotional thing that I felt as if I wouldn't really be part of my family until i had kids like they did (have always felt the odd one out). This made me feel quite frantic about it.

I am pretty cynical I'm afraid - in my experience, when blokes find the 'right' person they have no problem getting married and having kids, sometimes immediately, having eschewed it violently before... sorry

tethersend · 10/05/2010 11:16

meant to add, I am not advising you get pregnant 'by accident'- it sounds a bit like I am

JaneS · 10/05/2010 11:19

YANBU. But I wonder how you asked him about it?
Is it that he is thinking, 'well, I don't want children now, so I'll tell her that - but of course, I may never want children'. Or does he occasionally feel broody himself, but tell himself (and you) that it's not time yet?

If he's waiting for the broody factor to kick in, you need to know, because it might never happen. Ask him.

Nancy10 · 10/05/2010 11:20

My BIL has just ended his relationship with my potential SIL. She really wanted marriage and kids and he wouldn't give her any form of commitment. They lived together and he constantly made excuses. They had been together for 6 years and now it's over, she's 32. I know she's not exactly past it, but she really wanted some sort of commitment from him as she didn't want to leave it too late incase she had problems conceiving. I don't want to be too negative as it could be in a year or two your DP will be ready. But I think he could at least give you some kind of explanation and time scale.

omaoma · 10/05/2010 11:23

Final point: he sounds a bit rubbish at communicating and doesn't like analysing things. In this situation, he might make you feel that the problem is that YOU are being pushy about it and if you could just wait and let his 'natural' feelings develop it will all be fine... This is also rubbish. A friend of mine's husband is almost on the autistic spectrum, he finds talking so difficult. But he is perfectly willing and able to find a way to talk about difficult issues such as 'should we have a second child', they just find a way around it (he generally goes off and writes somethign down then they resume the discussion). Not suggesting you try that! But just saying that maybe what you should be pushing for is for him to be able to express his inner self more clearly for you, and see it as a lifeskill, rather than pushing for him to express an answer you want to hear, iyswim.

MarthaQuest · 10/05/2010 11:24

Couldn't you have a contraceptive 'accident'?

Yes, I know it's very immoral and I'm probably going to get flamed for saying it, but if he's basically a good bloke and your relationship is sound ....

Just a thought.

drloves8 · 10/05/2010 11:25

Do not try to get pregnant accidentally on purpose to force him into it. that will ruin your relationship...he will always suspect you have done this and will eventually resent you for "trapping" him .
Do talk to him , give him a time your prepared to wait until he makes up his mind(say two years) and tell him if at the end of that time you do not both come to agreement then the relationship should end.

Not to crush your dreams, but how do you know you can even have kids? how would you feel if you couldnt ever have any of your own?

Rejessta · 10/05/2010 11:29

Ummmm... my advice is that you leave him now and find somebody who wants to marry and have children. There is no positive outcome - you will either resent him for not wanting what you want or he will resent you for bullying him into having children. I think your central premise is a bit unreasonable as you seem to believe that all relationships are fated to evolve into marriage and children and that he needs to provide legitimate reasons for not wanting these things - it isn't and he doesn't.

omaoma · 10/05/2010 11:31

Rejessta has a good point - you might just have different expectations of life and it's good to know this. It doesn't make either of you wrong... but possibly unsuited.

drloves8 · 10/05/2010 11:31

MARTHAQUEST - not only is that immoral its sneaky and devious...you would you feel if you were tricked into becomeing a parent before your ready?
Quickest rout to single parenthood imo.
i know someone who divorced his wife because she did this.His reconing was that if she could be so sneaky and lie about something so huge , she would have no scruples about lying about other stuff.
He adores the child though and has him 50% of the time.Shame because he does love his ex , just couldnt trust her after that.

Nancy10 · 10/05/2010 11:33

I kind of agree with what your saying MarthaQuest. I got pregnant first time round by genuine accident. My dh was shocked but was happy. I would love to know though what would have happened had we had discussed and planned getting married and having kids. My dh likes to be really prepared and can't make simple decisions without giving it a lot of thought. It could be that your dp is thinking about it. Do you have an otherwise good relationship?

emsyj · 10/05/2010 11:35

Agree with the general advice that you set a deadline and move on if you still want different things when that time comes - decide how long you can wait. Do you have a year to waste? That's for you to decide.

NB Has anyone else noticed that the men who stay with a woman for 10 years plus whilst saying they're 'not ready' for marriage/children invariable dump these women and then marry someone else and have a baby within a year?? Or is it just me that has witnessed this on so many occasions...

And DON'T try to get pregnant 'accidentally' to force his hand. If he doesn't really really want marriage and children with you, trust that you will find someone who does. Just don't leave it too late.

drloves8 · 10/05/2010 11:37

Nancy - your circumstances are different to what martha is suggesting...genuine accident is contaceptive failure these do happen , but pills come in packets that have days on them, it shows if you take them or not.Men are not a stupid as they look , they pay attention to these things (especially if they have to pay/love/nurture the accidents)

Downdog · 10/05/2010 11:38

lots of good advice here. I'm not sure scheming to have a contraceptive accident is necessarily a good idea, as you're 27, not 37.

But how about taking it one step back and relinquish all responsibility for contraception. Leave it entirely up to your OH to take responsibility and use a condom if he so chooses. You're in a committed relationship so why not? You want a baby, he says he doesn't JUST YET. So let him put a condom where his mouth is . Either it won't be much of a big deal for him afterall and he will be slack with using a condom religiously, or he takes it very seriously, which will at least confirm he is absolutely serious about the no kids for a while thing.

Just reread post - if you are someone who would prefer to be married first - then I'm afraid my advice probably isn't so relevant. Having little interest in marriage I wouldn't know what advice to give. But it sounds like you're looking for advice on how to get your loved one to marry you?