AIBU to want to start a family?

[whatsrightandwhatswrong]

I've namechanged for this one.

I've been with DP for over 5 years. We have a house, both have good, well paying jobs and have been living together for over 3 years now. I desperately want to get married and start a family with DP, I love him so much and don't ever want to be with anyone else and the time is right in our lives to take the next step. I'm 27, he's 30. However DP says he's not sure he's ready for it yet. He can't give me a legitimate reason for not wanting it, and just says its not right at the moment - and can't give me a timescale as to when it will be (ok, I was BU to ask this, I know........) All I want is to be happily married with my DP, and to start having a family together, but he says IABU to want this at the moment and should just enjoy what we have while we can.

So I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU with a hint of WWYD?

(BTW - I have re-read before posting and realise I come across as a bit of a mad woman - but I've simply come to the time in my life when it's right to settle down and be with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's said he wants that too and doesn't want to be without me, wants a future etc. and isn't at all against marriage or kids....sorry trying to give you all the info before I post!)

Can you sit down and talk about what you both want and agree on some sort on time scale?

My best friend was with her now xh for over 10 years then he tells her that he is not ready and doesnt want children. She left him (1 year ago) and now is living with and is newly pregnant by her new partner.

If she had sat down and discussed children with her xh honestly and frankly then they would not have got into that situation in the first place.

Good luck

omaoma's analysis is good.

Are you confident (from what he says and how he acts) that he does definitely want to marry you and have kids with you, but just not yet - i.e. your only disagreement is on timing?

Or are you not sure whether he actually feels that way about you at all, i.e. he might never want to marry you and/or have children with you?

If it's (1), then it's a relatively simple case of compromising between your preferred timetable and his. (Yes ok, not as romantic as a surprise proposal, but rather more practical than just "waiting"). I know he won't give you his preferred timetable at the moment, but perhaps he could be persuaded to work one out - you need to point out to him that it's very unfair of him to expect you to just wait for an unspecified period of time and that sooner or later you may have no option but to cut your losses and move on - so he needs to work out what he would be happy with so you can at least talk about it.

If it's (2), that is obviously more of a problem. In that case the best thing you can do is ask him to be brutally honest about the way he feels about marrying you, and about having kids with you. You need to work out whether he "definitely wants it but not yet" or "is not sure at all". If it isn't what you are hoping then at least you will know the truth, hard as it may be. If he says "I don't know how I feel about it" then to a certain extent that is your answer...

Best wishes

Emysj - have seen it too often, quite agree... it's not about the timing at all, they are just not that into their partner... I also think there are genuinely people who will never particularly want to have kids. They don't understand the desire in other people and hence why it doesn't seem a big deal to them to mention it...

emsyj -ive noticed that too,i think thats because the men who do that dont really plan to stay with the woman they are living with.

YANBU to feel the way you do. I don't know, people may not agree with me but if he is dragging his feet so much I don't think you have a future together. Kids I can understand, they are a whole different ballgame, but marriage? If he really loves you as you love him and knows that marriage means a lot to you I'd be very wary that he doesn't want to get married yet.(unless he has a problem with the idea of marriage at all)

You have been together 5 years so of course this would be on your mind now. As others have said it could be he is genuinely not ready yet or it could be he never will. However you are within your rights to ask for a full discussion about this. Make a point that you are not asking him to settle down right now but he does owe it to you to discuss the future, give you reasons, time scales, plans, dreams etc. If he can't do that it would suggest that you are wasting your time. I have a few close friends that were together 7 years + before settling down in early 30's but in each of those cases while the man was not ready to propose they did have open discussions about the future and I think that makes all the difference. In those cases they both knew where they stood, they knew how each other felt, that they would get together eventually etc. In your case this isn't happening and that rings alarm bells to me as to his intentions. It sounds like he is keeping his feelings secret and if he is doing that now when life is good and easy it is not hopefull for when you are going through harder times. If he will not open up you have some hard decisions to make.

Sorry, prob not what you wanted to hear.

I only said I kind of agree with MarthaQuest and explained my situation, I didn't say do it.
When did you first begin talking seriously about wanting to get married and have kids? If it's really recently, he may just be thinking things through. You need to sit down and have a good long talk about it. If he makes excuses or gets angry and doesn't really give you any idea to what he wants then be concerned.

emsyj - I have two very dear friends in this situation. Both really want/wanted to have families, now they are with these guys who say they don't want kids. It makes my blood run cold as both women are nearing the end of their childbearing years (and God forbid there are fertility issues) yet both of the ladies say they are so full of love for their man and their relationships it more important than their desire to have children.

I fear for them I really do.

If I was in that position (ie with someone who TOTALLY BELIEVED they didn't want kids, but wanted me) I would be demanding they have a vascetomy. I mean why should X have to give up dream of kids AND take the pill - it's totally immoral.

But really I think why these chaps won't is in 5/10 years they will leave my friends, hook up with a younger model & have children.

true Downdog . it happens all the time.

A lot of men just don't know how they feel. It's not as easy for them to recognise why they feel the way the do. I had this conversation with my now dh several times and eventually gave an ultimatum. I never thought I would. What is was for my dh was the fear of the responsibility - that he wasn't where he wanted to be in his career and so felt he would let me down. It's very old-fashioned, but it's how he felt. We are very very happily married with a second child on the way. Once he made up his mind, we got married within 6 months and I was pregnant a month later. I know that if it was left up to him entirely, we would still be boyfriend and girlfriend. It's not because he doen't love me but because he found it difficult to just do it. By the way he is no further on with his career, but works from home four days a week and that's what really makes him happy.

It's just one example. There are plenty of other cases that didn't work out. Sometimes the underlying reason really is that they don't quite love the other person as much as they think they do.

I like the idea of putting contraception in his court! You would be quite justified to want to take a break from the pill after 5 years and you could also explain that then it would take the pressure off him in this ongoing conversation - you would know he is taking responsibility for what he wants, rather than putting the pressure on you to determine what he wants, and you could therefore relax about it all a bit...

Hi OP, first let me state my credentials for giving the advice I am. I was with a man for four years, until I was 32. The relationship broke up when it became apparent he was not sure about a family with me. We were living together. It was heartbreaking as I wanted to settle down with him. .... So believe me I know just how you feel!

My advice is to move out of your house (he can get a bloody flatmate, or move too and it can be rented out) and put the brakes on the relationship, pull back on your commitment to him. Not saying end it, just go back to being his girlfriend. When you are no longer creating a nice home life for him it may well make him make his mind up.

You can't lose. Either he will come up with a ring, or it will end. Both prefereable to the limbo you are currently living in.

Without you shaking things up, nothing is going to change.

Honestly you need to decide what YOU want. 27 is still young but can you afford to spend another 5 years on him for him to say "actually I don't want kids/marriage"?

Don't whatever you do get pregnant on purpose without his consent, that is crap advice.

When DH and I became serious I told him that I had a 4 year timeframe on relationships. As in, if we didn't feel we could commit long term after 4 years, then it was probably never going to happen. He agreed fortunately.

Life is short and your childbearing years are even shorter, if this is important to you then you need to make some hard decisions. Don't go issuing ultimatums though if you can't live with the outcome either way.

Good luck.

I wanted to add a bit of a dissenting voice - my DH has always been honest at the points when I wanted more commitment but he didn't feel ready - and do you know, he wasn't just procrastinating or saying 'I'm not that into you really', he was genuinely saying 'I don't feel ready'!! 15 years down the line, we are happily married with a daughter and another baby on the way.

In terms of marriage, I think a lot of blokes need persuading that it makes any kind of difference to a long-term relationship. I actually asked my DH to marry me when we were about 24, and he said no, he wasn't ready and he was happy as things were. But he did eventually propose himself, a few years later, and not just because I'd been nagging him - he really did just need more time to consider making such a big commitment.

The difference in our situations is that we were younger than you - we met at university, and at age 24 he was probably right - we weren't ready to get married! In terms of kids, the decision was easier, in that we both decided at about the same time that that was what we wanted. Now we're in our mid-30s, it does feel like we've done the right things at the right times for us, and I'm glad we didn't rush into things too young.

Anyway, you know your DP best - is your sense that he is stalling, or actually being honest? How open is he to discussing his reasons? Is your relationship genuinely solid, or are you sticking around partly because you want the marriage/kids package? I would guess that by 30, a lot of men who didn't want to settle in their 20s would certainly be starting to consider it. From your perspective, 28 is hardly over the hill! But any age is the wrong age to be 'waiting around' for a commitment that isn't going to happen.

Good luck - and by god, if you're considering the contraceptive failure technique, please make absolutely sure you know what you are getting yourself into. If there are any cracks in a relationship, you can be sure that the first year with a new baby is going to blast them wide open, and you need to be strong enough as a couple to deal with that.

My friend's fiancee divorced his first wife because she did not want to have children, whereas he did. He was 40 at the time, and is now planning wedding and a family with my friend. She, on the other hand is now 35, and had wasted no less than 8 years on her former partner to decide "the time is right". It never was. Her former partner, however, went on to marry another woman shortly after my friend left him, and he now has 2 children.

This proves 2 things:

1. Men can be pretty quick to marry and have kids once they meet the right person.

1. People DO break up long term relationships because ONE wants children, while the other doesnt.

It is a pretty important consideration.
And you need to find out if he indeed does not want to have kids EVER. Or, he just doesnt think the time is right, but he will want to have kids with you one day.

I had been with my partner 4 years before we got married, and 9 years before we had our first child. We never thought the time was right, but when I got pregnant quite by surprise, we were delighted! We now have 2 lovely boys, and I deeply regret not starting a family sooner, because at 38 I feel I am too old to try for child number 3.

Sorry, realise some of those questions to you sounded a bit harsh - the 'sticking around because you want the marriage/kids package' bit in particular. I didn't mean to call your love for him into question, but you do have some hard questions to ask yourself about your relationship and what you want most at this point - him or the marriage/kids, and if you are prepared to have one without the other.
If he is stonewalling your questions and just dismissing them by saying you are unreasonable, then that is not a great sign in all honesty. My DH is not the greatest of talkers, but he did try to give an honest answer to my questions about why he was saying no.

Don't I go on, sorry...

Do bear in mind that he is PERFECTLY ENTITLED not to want marriage and children just because, and this doesn't make him a bad person. you are still quite young, and while it is reasonable of you to have a bit of an eye on the future, you're not entitled to more commitment than someone is willing to give.
And it is far better to wait a little than to drag a reluctant partner into marriage and then get PG as the partner will resent you for it, remind you of it nastily every time you row ('I never wanted to marry you in the first place!') and probably fuck off when s/he finds someone more appealing, if the relucatnce is because s/he thinks of you as a partner who 'will do for now'.

He has said that he wants the same things as you, just not yet. He's only 30 so I don't think he's being unreasonable. I had my DS at 31 and, although I don't regret it for a second, with hindsight I think it would have been lovely to have had another year of just me and DH doing our own thing.

I think you need to see if you can agree a rough timescale. Does he envisaged being married by the time you are 30? If he can give you some assurance that marriage and children will happen over the next few years or so (and if you trust his word on this) then I think you need to be prepared to wait.

Thank you for all your advice - I can assure you there is no way I would EVER go down the "accidentally-on-purpose" pregnancy route. To be honest I don't care which comes first - I just know that when I see others either getting married, or with their children, I get that pang deep inside - I just want it so badly. I am willing to wait and you're right - I need to talk to him about timescales and determine how long we need to take before we get to the make or break situation.

But he has just sent me a message saying he is going to see a Relate counsellor tomorrow night - something we've never discussed before. I'm not sure he really needs it but maybe it will help him figure out what he wants.

I don't ever want to make him do something he doesn't want to - I couldn't stay in a relationship knowing that the only reason he was with me or had married/had children was because I'd forced him into it. I just really wanted some advice on what to do for the best, really.

Thank you for all your advice.

I can understand your frustration but I think you should be grateful that he isn't just giving you what you want and then buggering off. Have to respect him for his honesty.

Did he make the Relate appointment himself? It sounds like he may be questioning other areas of the relationship also? Again, he is dealing with it in a mature and honest way.

Sorry if that sounds blunt and I'm not saying there is no chance of a happy ending. I do have a friend who stuck around and now resents her partner so much as she has never had the child she longed for.

He sounds like a good man, OP.

FWIW, I married my husband when I was 24 and he 27 - we'd been together since I was 20 - and although we were both clear that we definitely wanted children together, he wasn't ready for a long time. I wanted them right away, at 24.

And that was really hard. I was obsessed, for a while. And by a while, I mean about three years. Somewhere around 27, though, I went through a shift in attitude and decided that I was fine with waiting until he was comfortable, and I concentrated on enjoying my life and my relationship, and things were really good.

When I was 29, he was finally ready. A few logistic things were in place by then as well - we wanted to get some financial stuff locked down so he could quit his job that involved a lot of travel and be a hands-on parent.

So we conceived our daughter when I was 29, and she was born when I was 30. I've just turned 32, she's 18 months, and we've never had the hard times and relationship stress that a lot of parents do, and I think that is partly down to the fact that we made very, very sure that we were both on the same page.

So I don't think it's as simple as 'he's just not that into you'. In our case, we're both people who have issues about money and get stressed without a cushion. We wanted a set up where we could share childcare equally, and that meant a career change for him (he was in mining). And we wanted a good long hedonistic period without children, and I'm glad we did it.

Good luck.

OP that's fab - he's clearly not just a non-communicative or lazy person or somebody who wants to keep you dangling. He's actively pursuing this question that you've raised with him. Bringing Relate in is somethign I would have suggested you do, so i'm surprised he's been proactive and done it for himself. Hopefully this marks a positive step in your relationship. x

I feel I am in a similar boat. Been with my other half for 7 years and have known him for 10. Been living together for over 5 years. He is very successful in his career and I am in a secure job too. We own our house and have bought another one where we hope to move after doing a renovation job on it - "spare" bedrooms are part of the plan!
My parents refuse to acknowledge my relationship because they don't like him (totally unfounded they only met him twice!) but he's not conventional in the sense he's not a 6ft tall doctor. I still visit my parents to try and keep relations with them going and "rise about it" (they have never seen the house, called the house phone or even visited me in hospital after several operations over the years). Marriage and children appear to have become the "elephant in the room" and we dare not speak about it for fear of upsetting the status quo. i know he wants kids and we talk about the future together in our new house, etc but i'm now starting for feel restentful towards my parents for "spoiling" what should be a happy future but also my OH for not being brave enough to push for what (i think) we both want. very sad and upsetting, I'm 32 and the clock is ticking! how much longer could/ should i wait?! Sorry for hi-jacking....

chardonnay: bring it up now with your oh. your parents should not be part of that decision to start a family. if you both are generally happy and committed go for it.