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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to start a family?

115 replies

whatsrightandwhatswrong · 10/05/2010 10:58

I've namechanged for this one.

I've been with DP for over 5 years. We have a house, both have good, well paying jobs and have been living together for over 3 years now. I desperately want to get married and start a family with DP, I love him so much and don't ever want to be with anyone else and the time is right in our lives to take the next step. I'm 27, he's 30. However DP says he's not sure he's ready for it yet. He can't give me a legitimate reason for not wanting it, and just says its not right at the moment - and can't give me a timescale as to when it will be (ok, I was BU to ask this, I know........) All I want is to be happily married with my DP, and to start having a family together, but he says IABU to want this at the moment and should just enjoy what we have while we can.

So I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU with a hint of WWYD?

(BTW - I have re-read before posting and realise I come across as a bit of a mad woman - but I've simply come to the time in my life when it's right to settle down and be with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's said he wants that too and doesn't want to be without me, wants a future etc. and isn't at all against marriage or kids....sorry trying to give you all the info before I post!)

OP posts:

plantsitter · 12/05/2010 10:46

Sorry to hear this whatsright. Can't better SGB's advice really, but wanted to say you have every right to feel dramatic and 'poor me' for a little while. Don't try to squash those feelings.

Then when you've raged and sobbed for a bit you can pick yourself up and relish your youth and your freedom.

Best of luck with everything.

StealthPolarBear · 12/05/2010 12:27

OP I'm so sorry this has happened.
Glad he took you seriously though and made a decision about what he wanted rather than stringing you along with half promises.

Gibbon · 12/05/2010 13:09

Oh whatsright I am sorry to hear this

Does seem rather quick to get a relate appointment (did he ring one day and get app the next?)

Take solace in the fact you found out now.

I can't imagine how hurt you are feeling but I can promise that you will look back with relief when you meet someone who wants the same things as you from life.

Good luck and stay strong.

scottishmummy · 12/05/2010 22:41

regardless of how quick his appt was you need closure.you have the definitive answer - heartbroken as you are move on,meet the father of your children

NiickClegg · 13/05/2010 10:20

How are you doing today OP?

MumNWLondon · 13/05/2010 10:29

Do not get pregnant by "mistake".

Rather tell him how you feel and that if he can't commit by a certain date, say in 6 months time with a view to being married in say next summer, and having a child before you are 30 (so starting TTC by say 29th birthday) then although you love him etc you you will have to explore other options.

If he is not prepared to commit then then its possible he'll never be prepared to commit.

You have to be prepared to walk away. If he really loves you he will not let you go.

StealthPolarBear · 13/05/2010 10:30

MumNW, it has moved on a lot since the op

ClaireyFairy82 · 13/05/2010 10:55

I really feel for you. I went through a similar thing after a miscarriage with my last partner. We'd been together 4 years, discussed getting married and having children. We bought a house together and a year later I fell pregnant but lost it after 2 months. He was a total git and didn't support me at all - he was too preoccupied by how he was feeling and he started to think (maybe for the first time) about what he actually wanted.

We split up and I bought him out of the house which was very costly and I?m still paying for it. But I also joined a well known dating website and met the best man I have ever known. Two years after the day I met him we got married. I was 20 weeks pregnant at the time and we now have a totally gorgeous 4 month old son. It was so incredibly painful at the time but I look back now and can?t believe how much things have changed.

You will be happy, maybe not now but soon. Best wishes and love to you xxx

StealthPolarBear · 13/05/2010 11:28

So sorry Claire, about your miscarriage

Aussieng · 13/05/2010 11:48

I'm assuming that actually the relate appointment happened some time ago but was not mentioned in the OP?

OP think about what SGB said and how much your exP mislead you about your relationship and his intentions and how much you mislead yourself...

Also to echo part of Clairey's story (very sorry about your miscarriage and the timing however) I split up with my exH when I was 30 for many reasons but this was after several years of procrastinating about children - quite rightly they focus the mind on whether the relationship is the right one. I was very hurt and had to face the potential of never having children which was hard. But 5 years later I am married to a wonderful man (also met on a dating site) with whom I am compatible in a way my ex and I never were. I would have previously described myself as an insecure person but I find that I am not - I was just in an insecure relationship previously. And we hve baby no. 1 on the way. If meeting my DH was the best thing that ever happened to me, then however painful at the time, splitting from my ex must have been the second best. Good luck.

ClaireyFairy82 · 13/05/2010 12:04

Good luck with your little baby Aussieng. My miscarriage was the most horrible thing I ever had to go through, but looking back it was really a blessing in disguise. It made me realise that me and ex partner were going in totally different directions and gave me a fresh start and happiness. It also makes appreciate my dh and ds all the more as I know how precious they really are.

The future can be daunting but very exciting too!

merrymonsters · 13/05/2010 15:04

I knew a woman, who gave her boyfriend an ultimatum. She said she wanted to get married and have children or they'd have to split up. He thought about it and decided that he didn't want to get married or have babies with her and they split up.

About six months later, she married someone else and had children. He also got married a year or two later and also had children. He wasn't 'afraid of commitment'. She just wasn't the right woman for him and her ultimatum forced the issue and it all worked out in the end.

Just be prepared that you might not get the answer you want.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/05/2010 18:22

There have been one or two threads on here in the past from women whos Hs have started playing up like mad after 3/4 years of marriage and small children and as the thread moves on it becomes clear that the OPs have basically done everything possible to cling on to these men who do not really love them but are too spineless to say, once and for all 'NO, I don't want this relationship, I don't want to marry you and I don't want children with you.' If you use every trick in the book to 'keep' a reluctant partner, sooner or later he will still fuck offm and you would have been so much better off using that energy and determination either on forging a good single life for yourself or at least looking around for a man who actually does love you 'enough' to marry and reproduce with, not one who gives in to months of pressure and then regrets it.

Original poster

whatsrightandwhatswrong · 14/05/2010 09:01

NiickClegg (if that is infact your real name ) I'm doing okay - he's moved out of the house while I get things sorted. I'll be moving back to my hometown to stay with my parents for a while to save some money in 2 weeks time, so just got to ride it out.

Been quite poorly though, suffering with quite a severe chest infection at the moment so just taking to my bed and suffering in silence!

I was really, really upset for about 24 hours after everything kicked off - and I do get upset if it gets talked about - but I'm feeling strangely positive. Maybe it wasn't meant to be after all!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2010 10:12

Whatsright: Glad to hear you are feeling positive. It may well be that both he and you have done yourselves and each other a favour here - you by insisting on a proper talk about the future, him by being brave enough (and it does take some guts to be the 'bad' one who says 'Actually I don;t love you enough') to instigate a breakup rather than fobbing you off in order to continue drifting comfortably along in the same place.

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