AIBU to want to start a family?

[whatsrightandwhatswrong]

I've namechanged for this one.

I've been with DP for over 5 years. We have a house, both have good, well paying jobs and have been living together for over 3 years now. I desperately want to get married and start a family with DP, I love him so much and don't ever want to be with anyone else and the time is right in our lives to take the next step. I'm 27, he's 30. However DP says he's not sure he's ready for it yet. He can't give me a legitimate reason for not wanting it, and just says its not right at the moment - and can't give me a timescale as to when it will be (ok, I was BU to ask this, I know........) All I want is to be happily married with my DP, and to start having a family together, but he says IABU to want this at the moment and should just enjoy what we have while we can.

So I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU with a hint of WWYD?

(BTW - I have re-read before posting and realise I come across as a bit of a mad woman - but I've simply come to the time in my life when it's right to settle down and be with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's said he wants that too and doesn't want to be without me, wants a future etc. and isn't at all against marriage or kids....sorry trying to give you all the info before I post!)

Yes I am always reminded of my gorgeous BIL who was married at 21 and expecting his first within a few years. Seems amazingly young to me! There is a culture of extended teenager-dom now, for girls and boys. Unfortunately IMO and my experience (of myself) it's actually only having kids that makes you properly grow up... so if you keep putting it off because you're 'not ready' it's really just a vicious circle.

If he's telling the truth about "eventually probably, but not yet" then that can be absolutely fine as long as you believe him.
It helps that you're three years younger than him so can afford to wait a couple of years.
I was in almost exactly the same situation, and my DH was simply telling the truth - when I hit thirty he agreed that he was ready to start trying for kids and (eventually) we had DD and DS.
In the meantime I enjoyed the hell out of my twenties, and I strongly advise that you do the same - talk about the things you want to do together before you settle down.

I suppose in your situation I'd issue an ultimatum of some sort. My cousin did a similar thing - she desperately wanted a baby, her DP was adamant that he didn't. So she left him for six months, left the country and told him to think about whether he wanted her enough to agree to have a child.

Six months later he decided he couldn't be without her and thus he agreed to have a child. Their DD is now nearly five!

Gibbon - Yes, he looked into it himself. I think he's trying to sort his head out - alot of other things going on apart from this e.g. anxiety issues, needing to cut apron strings (which his mother told him to his face!) etc.

whatsrightandwhatswrong - there's not much to add, you've had the happy ending and the sad endings. I know women who have been in situations like this and they all ended up with the bloke stringing them along then when the relationships finally broke down, the blokes were the ones getting married and having kids really quickly!! You two are young, but not that young.

I hope that him going to relate helps to sort this out for you, even if it's not the outcome you are looking for - at least you'll know where you stand and if he doesn't want to have kids with you, better you know now than in 5 years.

Good luck x

whatrightandwhatswrong you sound very sensible in how you are dealing with this. I started feeling broody and ready at about 26 too. I had a discussion with DH (a year younger than me) and made it very clear I wanted to start a family within the next couple of years and that if he didn't feel that timescale would be right for him he needed to be honest with me as it would be kinder to me and him to leave then than drag things out. I think he was apprehensive about agreeing to my timescale, but he was true to his word and 2 years later we started ttc, I'm pregnant now and he's so incredibly supportive and excited (and a bit nervous naturally!). It was definitely worth giving him time to be ready though, as I was desperately unwell with severe morning sickness for about 8 weeks, and needed ridiculous amounts of support from him.

I'm glad you're not considering an 'accident' or similar, I think this is a terrible way to start a family. I do think you are doing the right thing by having some very searching discussions with him though as I too have seen women be dragged along for years until its too late for them, and its heartbreaking.

If he isn´t ready at 30, when will he be?

I think he is old enough to know at 30 tbh.

I met my DH at 28 and it took him 7 years to propose. I am now 6minths preg at 37 and very happy about it. (i was very keen to get married but not desperate for kids in my early 30's, took me a while to feel ready). It does take some men longer to feel ready but does not mean that he will never ask. At least he isn't rushing into marriage and kids without considering it carefully. Whenever i brought it up with my DH he said that he was comitted to me but not quite ready to marry and he would ask me when he was. He is a very strong minded individual so would not be rushed into it by anyone else so i stopped asking. Eventually he proposed quite unexpectedly.

I would give your DP time but also check that he does eventually want kids as this is one issue you can't compromise on.

My DH is the sort of man who can spend 20 minutes dithering between two packs of bacon in Tesco. He needs to plan everything. I found when we were talking about TTC that it was a good idea to give him a timeframe, then bring it forward once he's used to the idea. Eg our plan was to TTC once we were both 30, but about a year after discussing it I said I wanted to do it sooner and he agreed, so we went for it at 27. But I think if I'd raised it for the first time at 27 he would have panicked!

sorry, I should clarify, I only mean an 'accident' is a terrible start if one of the parties deliberately and misleadingly created the 'accident' (e.g. accidentally on purpose forgetting the pill). It means the new family is built on a lie. A genuine accident is another matter of course, and I have always been thrilled to see couples go from 'suprised' to excited as the pregnancy progresses.

Carolondon - Yes, he definately wants kids and to get married. He just doesn't know when.

I was in the same boat as you at 27. i lay it on the line to my (then) DP. I want a family - if you don't, I'm not sure whether our relationship is going to go the distance. he went away for the weekend alone and mulled it over. We are now married with two children. However, I have to be honest - for most of my friends who have been in similar situations in their late 20s and throughout their 30s, it hasn't worked out. After 5 years together - and into your 'proper' adulthood' - if you want one thing and he doesn't (or doesn't know know / isn't ready) it probably isn't the greatest of signs.

In that case i would just give him time and enjoy your youth without out being tied down. We had a wonderful time in our late 20's and early 30's and are now delighted at the prospect of being parents.
I am very glad i did not rush into parenthood as i have established a solid career that i can go back to, we have had time to put together loads of savings for when i go part time/on maternity leave and we have also travelled a lot together.
As a result our relationship could not be closer which is an excellent emotional place in which to have our 1st child.
By the way DH is the same age as me (37).

if you could cope alone with a pregnancy then go for it...why do you have to wait for a man's permission?

thinkabout what is more important to you in the long run- THIS man, marriage in general, having kids at some point, having kids now.

You do have time but it goes fast. In 10 years time he can change his mind, you might not be able to.

IMO after 5 years it sounds like he's not the marrying 'type'.

"Carolondon - Yes, he definately wants kids and to get married. He just doesn't know when."

I assume you mean he definitely wants these things with you? (Not just "in theory, with someone, at some point")

If so, then great. That means all you have is a timing issue. Get him to work out in his head what would be the right timing for him. He must have some idea. Say you recognise his timing may be different but you need to know what it is. Then see if you work out a mid point between his timing and your timing. (This was my approach - and it worked out for me us...!)

Some women would say "don't ask him, wait for him to propose when he's ready" but I always feel that approach regards women as passive doormats who have to wait patiently for a proposal. Marriage is a big decision that the two of you should talk about, IMO.

I was in the same boat 2 years ago - DP is 5 years older than me, we'd been together 4 years, all his friends were marrying and reproducing, and I was getting increasingly broody. I told him I wanted kids before I was 30 (I'm 28 now), and he agreed to that time frame. He had previously been putting me off any time I brought up the subject of children and marriage - kept saying, wait until you've finished your studies, then wait until you've done your first postdoc, then wait until you've got a proper job.
Last year I was in a job I hated overseas, and planned to leave it, and whilst back home, we decided not to use contraception after a glass or two of wine . DS is 7 months old, and DP will become DH in august.

getting a realistic timeline in place would be a good step. Unfortunately I think many if not most men don't just suddenly wake up one day and think it's a good time to get married or have kids. I had to push my DH hard to have kids and it very nearly was too late for us - there were many problems and painful years of despair, and siblings for our son are not possible. You are still young on the fertility front, but your partner, at 30, really can't use age as an excuse for delaying what he seems to be saying is what he wants for the future.

Do you really want a reluctant father for your children?

I wouldn't!

Stuckinthemiddle - at first, I thought your comment was a bit harsh, but you're 100% right - I think I'm trying to make DP someone he isn't and that's unfair. I know what I need to do.

Thank you all for all your posts, I may not have replied to you all but I have read and appreciated every single one.

whatsrightandwhatswrong - just coming in at the end here, but you DESERVE BETTER.

As someone who's been with a few men like your boyfriend, I just want to tell you that when you meet "the one" there'll be no complicated conversations about him being ready, and the time not being right. He will want to show you that you're the love of his life by marrying you and having children with you.

You deserve someone who can't wait to marry you and start a family, not someone who's "not ready" after five years. I think you know deep down that you could do a lot better.xx

Well if men are scheming enough to stay with a women who wants kids with no intention of having them- and then run off with a newer model, why shouldn't women be scheming enough to knock themselves up?
I did, kind of (although I did take the morning after pill)I don't care what anyone thinks and I am happy to be a single mum. I couldn't be bothered for these men to get their act together.I was getting on a bit more than the op though.
Seems like men have one set of moral rules and we have another methinks.
As you are a lot younger, however, I would cut your lossess and find someone else.Us girls have a narrower window of opportunity to get pregnant. Yopu are still young enough to find mr commitment.

I am being deliberately provocative here but I am fed up with women being flamed for wanting to be a mum and then being denied by their men.

And honestly op- don't knock yourself really! Awful advice. I'm just completely immoral, selfish but very happy mummy! I wouldn't recommend single parenthood unless you had to though!

I also feel that us girls should start calling the shots regarding our fertility and relationships rather than vice versa. I'm not sure if my way is the way to go but I can't believe some of the stories I have read on this thread. Truly heart-breaking- for the women. Men can have kids at any age but we can't.We can't afford to mess around really. Rant over.
I hope you get the family you desrve op!

OP - a positive story for you here.

I had to give my DH an ultimatum. We had been bf and gf for 5 years, he wouldn't live with me (Catholic family) and we had to pretend that we never even stayed over at eachother's houses. He 'wasn't ready' either, though had freely admitted that marriage and kids were in his life plan. So, at the age of 26, I told him if he hadn't proposed by my 27th birthday, I was leaving him. I didn't make a huge song and dance about it and only told him once, but it clearly sunk in.

He left it to the last minute but did it. We married a year later. He now says he wishes he'd married me sooner - now he's realised our relationship is actually much better. We have a 5mo DS who was conceived 2 1/2 years after marrying, which was a timescale which suited us both. We're very happy.

I do think if I had left my DH he would have married and had kids with his next gf very quickly (though he says he thinks he would never have met anyone else). I think this is because he would have realised what he had thrown away, however, rather than me not being 'the one'.