AIBU to want to start a family?

[whatsrightandwhatswrong]

I've namechanged for this one.

I've been with DP for over 5 years. We have a house, both have good, well paying jobs and have been living together for over 3 years now. I desperately want to get married and start a family with DP, I love him so much and don't ever want to be with anyone else and the time is right in our lives to take the next step. I'm 27, he's 30. However DP says he's not sure he's ready for it yet. He can't give me a legitimate reason for not wanting it, and just says its not right at the moment - and can't give me a timescale as to when it will be (ok, I was BU to ask this, I know........) All I want is to be happily married with my DP, and to start having a family together, but he says IABU to want this at the moment and should just enjoy what we have while we can.

So I guess what I'm asking is, AIBU with a hint of WWYD?

(BTW - I have re-read before posting and realise I come across as a bit of a mad woman - but I've simply come to the time in my life when it's right to settle down and be with the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's said he wants that too and doesn't want to be without me, wants a future etc. and isn't at all against marriage or kids....sorry trying to give you all the info before I post!)

Of course you're not being unreasonable, but what answer do you expect on Mumsnet? If you posted on Footlooseandfancyfreenet you might get a different answer.

You're not a madwoman, except that you've given this man your heart and domestic comforts without getting any commitment from him in return. Why didn't you think of that before agreeing to live with him, because you seem to have used up all your bargaining chips.

Well, not all of them.

As for WWYD - I got married first, lived with him after. Quaint and old fashioned I know but didn't your grannie tell you it was an option?

FFS will everyone please remember that marriage and breeding are not compulsory? And that it;s perfeclty OK to want to enjoy a carefree life and indeed to decide you never want children?
Yes it's hard if you do want children but are with a partner who doesn't, but that doesn;t mean the one who wants to breed is right and entitled to coax, bully or blackmail the other one into starting a family.

"Yes it's hard if you do want children but are with a partner who doesn't, but that doesn;t mean the one who wants to breed is right and entitled to coax, bully or blackmail the other one into starting a family."

I agree with you there but they do have the right know whether the other person wants marriage and a family or not so they can choose whether they stay or leave.

Op good luck, I hope things work out for you, even if it's not in quite the way you expect

I do think your DP going to relate is a good thing though. Hopefully, it will enable him to sort out his feelings and make a decision one way or the other.

You don't sound unreasonable or mad at all.

DP is 4 years younger than me and I had to be really honest about wanting a baby quite early in the relationship. Like Miss Marjoribanks I gave him a (gently worded) ultimatum about when I would have to leave him to look for someone who would have kids with me. That didn't mean I thought he SHOULD want to but I was just being realistic - I'm pretty happy to coast through most things but that was something I felt I couldn't compromise on for my own happiness.

I think he had enough time to come round to the idea and we had DD a year and a half ago and I'm pregnant again; he is besotted.

So don't despair but don't waiver on something so central to your happiness, either.

YANBU. Yes, he has the right to not want to get married and have children for as long as he wants, but you have the right to marriage and a family, if that's what you want.

I was with a guy for 7 years, a lovely bloke. I wanted to know were it was going- didn't need a proposal, just a definite idea that we were heading in the same direction. He kept saying, "we'll talk about it in the spring" then it was the summer...Eventually I left him- possibly hoping he would realise what he'd lost and try to get me back, on a more committed footing. He did want me back, but still didn't want to commit, so we parted fairly amicably. I was 26. I spent a wonderful year or two enjoying the freedom of single life, met my now-DH out of the blue, and was married 2 years later, with dd1 born the next year

My ex has a new gf, but remains unmarried, although they do now have a child (I have 3) He is enjoying his life, and I am enjoying mine, and there are no hard feelings- we just both wanted different things out of life, and I'm glad we didn't get married in the end.

I think you need to make him aware of how you are feeling, and see what he does. Cajoling and coaxing are pointless- it needs to be his decision, but you shouldn't feel like you are obliged to sit and wait. I told my ex that I understood how he felt, but that, since we were not committed to a future together, he couldn't expect me to just wait patiently. Sounds terrible, I guess, but he knew that I was keeping my eyes and my options open, and he had to accept that, which he grudgingly did!

Good luck with that conversation! Hope you get the outcome you want

So the conversation was had...apparently he's always had doubts over our relationship and the Relate counsellor made him realise that he'd been "too thoughtful" towards others and not thinking about himself enough , hence him telling me that he never wanted to marry me and thoughts our whole relationship would never work - so I guess me moving hundreds of miles away from my family for HIM and supporting HIM through a hell of alot of hard times and 5 years of everything being about HIM that it meant fuck all and I now am starting again, with abosultely nothing to my name, living back with my parents. Don't you just love men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm much better now I'm on my second glass of Sauvingnon Blanc!

Just fucking hurts to know that something you thought was the best thing that had ever happened to you, that you had spent over 5 years investing in was such a waste of time. Ain't life funny!

oh dear.that some crushing stuff to hear.
cry a lot
take time off work
call friends - garner support
watch some dvd
eat junk food

have a time limited mope.no more than month as spurned woman and then chins up and move on.no meet ups no long talks,it stops now,draw a line under this

only solace is you found this out now.though that wont help at mo

im sorry this has turned out this way for you, but it is better that you found out now than in another 5-10 years .
At least this way you can find someone else who loves you enough to give you what you want and need .((hugs)).

I'm so sorry to hear this. As has been said at least you found out now and not years later down the line. I hope that provides some consolation.

On a practical level, is the house you were sharing rented or were you buying it together?

How the hell did he get an appointment so quickly?? Are you sure he went there?

I am sorry OP for your shattered dreams but you'll have a happier reality one day. Take it day by day....

Oh poor, poor you. How awful for you OP.
Take time to grieve. Seek the company of those who love you and be kind to yourself. ((hugs))

oh I am so so sorry to hear this. You're going to have some very hard days and months ahead I am sure but I am equally sure that in time you will look back and be glad that this wasn't dragged out for years and years.

I hope you are getting lots of support from friends and family. You sound like a strong person and I am sure you will find the strength to rebuild your life and there will be much happier times ahead for you.

This is rotten for you but you will get over it. And you can comfort yourself a little (it will become more of a comfort as time passes) with the thought that you did ask him, you did make him give you an answer, you took some control rather than hanging on passively, hopefully for years.Call your friends, take care of yourself, take it easy for a while and remember you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's not wrong to love someone and have it not work out.
There are other men out there - though I would advise giving yourself a break before you start to date, and not plunging into a frenzied search for a man who's willing to marry and breed - if that's the only thing you focus on you do risk hooking up with a loser or an arse. Take time to focus on yourself for a while. GOod luck. Things will get steadily better.

Aw no, whatsright . But, as others have said, it IS better to know now.

As I said, I was 7 years in, and the worst thing was that he made me feel as if somehow I wasn't good enough for him- that he was holding out for something better, which was pretty damn humiliating.

Still, after years of being in a relationship that does, in effect, confine you- as you said, you made concessions to move etc- ENJOY the freedom to now live your life for you! I really really enjoyed my couple of years of singledom- I saw MY friends (as opposed to his) whenever I wanted, I travelled, got really fit, wore whatever I liked, ate toast in bed and had some really great times- one of the happiest times of my life, wierdly, when I felt most confident and relaxed. Hopefully it will be the same for you.

I dated a little, but was determined I wasn't going to give up my new-found freedom for just any old person. Then DH came along and blew me away! I retrospect, my ex and I really weren't suited- DH is a far far better match for me, and his gf is a far far better match for him. I promise that although this seems hard just now, it is a turning point- all your options are now open! Do whatever you want to do, and have fun doing it! x

This is gutting you must be in hell right now. But what an unbelievable ARSE he is to put you through all that and then dump you.

As well as denying you kids and a family I bet there are a multitude of things you would have loved to do over the last 5 years and put to one side for him. Make a list of all them all and DO THEM - whether it's living abroad, redecorating the way you like or tiny things like books and films you like - reclaim your life from this dipshit.

Blöödy hell!
What a sh!t!

He´s always had doubts?

But thought you might as well live together in the meantime??!!

Bästärd!

OP-hope you are OK.

You know you´ll get over it-just let time run it´s course.

Thank you all for your messages - I'm pretty devastated by it all, and to be honest feel like I've wasted 5 years of my life. I planned to go back to University and to travel in America before I decided not to because I'd met him, such a fucking idiot.

Luckily (or not ) he owns the house and I just pay "rent" every month, so while I have no rights to the house we live in, I'm taking whatever I want with regards to contents - inclduing some plants from the garden (sad I know, but I spent alot of money on them!)

I don't want to be all dramatic - poor me, blah blah blah - but I will say that I never realised anything could hurt so fucking much.

I am so sorry it has ended this way for you.
When it starts hurting a little less why not put your plans into action after all. Go to America or back to uni. Use the time at your parents to save money.
remember you have at least 10 years in which to start a family.
Thinking of you.

Oh, you poor thing! But at least now you know where you stand. I am also a bit about the Relate session. One session and he decides to throw everything away after 5 years? But it could havre been worse. Better to have got rid of the fecker now, rather than waiting 5 more fertile years for him to bugger off or worse, leave you when you are pregant or with small dc's.
You sound like a fantastic positive person and well capable of making your own happiness!

Urgh. Really sorry to hear that, whatsright. Hope you are ok and have some RL shoulders to cry on.

However, you have not wasted 5 years of your life. As far as I can tell, you have been happy for most of that time. Not a waste.

It's not too late to do those things you wanted to do - and you may get more out of them now.

Whatsright: hard as this is, learn from it. For instance, did he plead with you to stay with him and not travel, or did you just do that because you wanted to? Were you clear with him from the beginning that you thought he was The One?
Because it's fair to say that he may not have realised until you brought the subject up that a) you really did want marriage and children and b) he isn't sure he does anyway but definitely doesn;t want them with you.
As we have all said, you are better off knowing now than in another 5/10 years' time that this was basically an 'inertia relationship' - he was happy enough to be with you and staying with you/moving in together was less hassle than breaking up; at least he had the honesty to own up to this when challenged rather than agreeing to marry you and have a baby because, hey, well, gotta settle down sometime and only then realising that actually it wasn't what he wanted.
Next time, don't invest everything in a couple-relationship, work on your own life, your own wants and needs and plans., You are still young, and there are worse things than singledom - there are worse things than not having children TBH. Though there are always options such as sperm donation, adoption, fostering etc as well as plenty of nice men who do want to have a family, some of whom will be perfectly suited to you - please remember that you have lots and lots of choices and opportunities, far too many choices and opportunities for you to feel the desperate need to grab a relucant man and put all your effort into making him commit and reproduce against his inclinations. Wait for a man who feels right for you and who makes it clear that you feel right for him and that you both want the same things.