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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect dp to spend a substational amount of money on an engagement ring?

541 replies

hotCheeseBURNS · 01/05/2010 13:18

Like one month's salary? The whole point of having a "guideline" like that is that a month's salary is a lot of money. To eveyone, whether you earn £10K or £300K.

We don't have a huge amount of money, but we don't really have any debt, and we like having stuff, we live in a materialistic world. If dp is happy to spend thousands on a flash car, or hundreds on an electric drum kit, if he wears designer clothes (albeit from TK Maxx) and has a top of the range mobile phone, am I being unreasonable to think that I should get the same treatment? A ring to wear for the rest of my
life, to hand down to grandchildren? A symbol of our relationship.

OP posts:
APassionateWoman · 01/05/2010 17:43

lol

Just my opinion. Engagements are juvenile. Either you're married or you're not. 'My finacee...'

sungirltan · 01/05/2010 17:48

i'm highly amused that my platinum band with a princess cut diamond is considered 'naff' by anybody!

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 17:48

Have to agree with you there re 'fiancee'. I can't bring myself to say it! Can't agree with the Naffola statement though

diddl · 01/05/2010 17:49

Well, when we got engaged we weren´t married-now we are!

activate · 01/05/2010 17:51

"By APassionateWoman Sat 01-May-10 17:43:34
lol

Just my opinion. Engagements are juvenile. Either you're married or you're not. 'My finacee...'

well what a ridiculous comment - you're either single, engaged, married, separated, divorced or widowed

Kaloki · 01/05/2010 17:51

That's an odd thing to cringe about APassionateWomen.

For me it seems odd to refer to my partner as my boyfriend while we are wedding planning, I tend not to call him my fiance much, but it does make sense sometimes.

APassionateWoman · 01/05/2010 18:00

It's an opinion. I personally think engagements are odd.

Sorry I am not gushing about rings and romance.

posieparker · 01/05/2010 18:01

'Engagements' are naff engaged to be ,married is not.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 18:01

I get it, I even started a thread about it not so long ago. Fee-yon-saaaay

sungirltan · 01/05/2010 18:03

:-P

i loved getting engaged. the proposal i got was really special and personal and a million times more romantic that our actual wedding.

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 18:04

Engagement partys are also naff.

Especially when you have to pay for your own meal (at £40 a head) as well as bring a pre selected gift. Only for the couple to split up, before getting wed. Whole other thread though that

emsyj · 01/05/2010 18:04

Hmmm, I think if you have fundamental differences of opinion about money (how to earn it, how much you need of it and how to spend it) then this should sound loud clanging warning bells. If it is important to you that your DP makes you feel that your engagement is significant and important by buying a ring that requires him to suffer a little bit of discomfort to save up for it, then it's neither reasonable nor unreasonable - it's just how you feel. And if he doesn't agree or doesn't care, then that's a problem.

DH and I have reasonably similar views on money and I think that does help a relationship to work. We both prioritise having a nice house in a nice area over and above having posh cars, for example - and neither of us is very interested in fancy clothes or expensive holidays. But when it came to my engagement ring, DH felt it was the most significant piece of jewellery I was likely to own, and he wanted to buy something very special. When we got engaged we both had a good income and no debt (still have no debt, but income has substantially decreased since then!!!) so he was able to buy a nice ring (antique art deco cushion-cut diamond set in platinum with tiny diamonds in the shoulders, for those interested ). I would not have wanted him to get us into debt to buy a ring (as I don't think a ring is a good enough reason to take on debt) and if we had been in a less good financial position I would have expected him to cut his cloth accordingly. But there is nothing wrong with wanting your DP to make you feel that you are important and buy you a nice ring if he can afford to do so. On balance, I think YANBU but think twice before you marry someone who has fundamentally different ideas about spending from your own.

Kaloki · 01/05/2010 18:05

"'Engagements' are naff engaged to be married is not."

Isn't it the same thing?!

Fair enough APassionateWoman, just never heard that before.

rubyrubyruby · 01/05/2010 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyrubyruby · 01/05/2010 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sungirltan · 01/05/2010 18:13

good post emsy

LeQueen · 01/05/2010 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 01/05/2010 18:13

I don't have an engagement ring, or a wedding ring. I do wear my best friend's wedding ring though.

I think it's reasonable to feel miffed if one's DP spends a fortune on themselves and very little on you. Kind of shows the priorities.

But it depends more on how lovely the ring is, rather than the cost - DP has bought me some very cheap jewellery over the years as well as expensive stuff, but all of it was chosen because he thought it was beautiful and he thought it would suit me. That's romance, IMHO.

I guess it comes down to - would you prefer an ugly expensive ring, or a cheap beautiful one?

MrsC2010 · 01/05/2010 18:14

Dunno to be honest. YABU to expect it...tis his cash after all.

When DH proposed out of the bolue he did so with a lovely, and I have since found out, very very very expensive ring. I'm not sure where the money came from as it was out of keeping with our normal spending but I know he didn't go into debt to get it so how he chooses to spend his money is up to him. We got married about 6 months later as we didn't want to hang around and neither of us quite get the whole great long engagement thing.

I think if we had discussed amounts I would have been shocked at what he was wanting to spend and discouraged him, there are lots of things we could have spent the thousands on. But I won't deny that I love the ring very much and would be heartbroken to be parted from it. But the main value is the fact that he chose it on his own, put thought into it, decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me in the first place, bought the best he could afford (in terms of diamond quality etc) because he knew that would matter more too me that just having something huge...it is all of that sentiment that I love. The same feelings would be attached to a £100 ring in the same circumstances, so you are being a little silly to get so worried about this. Surely part of it is him choosing something for you, not the price and it being dictated etc?

But I'm not going to go off on one because we're all different, and our relationships work in different ways.

posieparker · 01/05/2010 18:33

Some people just get engaged...as in 'we got engaged' not 'we're getting married'.

lilymolly · 01/05/2010 18:39

not read thread as not got enough time but I can leave you with this thought......Last year I would have agreed with OP

HOWEVER

Last year dp got me a lovely platinum square diamond ring and proposed in Ibiza

7 months later he left me and dd 4 and ds 11 months

8 Weeks on from this, we are trying to reconcile, but I am alone in the house, raising 2 children and working full time and to be honest quite miserable

So to be quite frank with you, I would rather have a happy marriage than an expensive ring anyday

Good luck to you x

Jux · 01/05/2010 18:44

How on earth do you quantify "a lifetime's worth of commitment"?

Do you put a price on his life and your life, work out your life expectancies, divide by something or other and subtract the number of years you had each lived before you met. Then you would have to perform some sort of calculation which would involve working out what proportion of that amount represents the actual amount to spend. I think at some point you might have to perform a trend analysis to allow for the possibility of divorce too.

Doodleydoo · 01/05/2010 18:46

MrsC are you me?

My DH went to the jeweller that my dad has always used and who is a family friend, then went to my Dad's work to ask for my hand in marriage before proposing on a lovely holiday. It was all very romantic, but the most important thing to me was that he did all this off his own back, he knew exactly what style I would have chosen (simple and easy to wear) and took the care to purchase it from somewhere that meant something to me. When we were insuring it I found out how much it cost and nearly dropped dead as hadn't a clue about these things but he had inherited some money and wanted to purchase something for me that we could then "pass" on in the future. I had no choice in the matter of the ring, but wouldn't have changed it, and frankly it wouldn't have mattered to me how much it actually cost.

Could I suggest to you OP that you point out some styles you like to your dp and send him off?

Mind you, if my dh went off and spent close to 1K on himself and decided that it wasn't worth spending that on us I would be upset, and I do think that an engagement ring is an "us" thing. Just me though.

RedRedWine1980 · 01/05/2010 19:07

My husband has been reading this thread with interest lol- he wants to know why women expect men to spend x amount of money on them for engagement rings flowers etc so they feel loved and what do they buy the man in return?

BattyKoda · 01/05/2010 19:08

RedRedWine - Your not getting it are you?? No one has said they need expensive stuff to feel loved