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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go to Cyprus for friends wedding and stag do...

63 replies

Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 10:50

I have said no.

We have dd1 (will be 4.5yr) and dd2 (will be 18mth).

When dh and I decided to have children we knew we would be doing it without family supporting us. So to me this is a joint venture, we both knew it would be tough the early years, he has manual job (self employed 8am til 5.30 and 8pm to 9pm, works on and off all sat, gets most sundays off) and I do everything home related (bills, all household chores, childcare, etc etc etc)

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
runnybottom · 01/05/2010 10:52

So how old do they have to be before he is allowed off the leash?

YABVVVU. and controlling.

compo · 01/05/2010 10:52

why can't he go?

do you mean because of finances?

or because you don't want to be left alone with the kids?

Maleeka · 01/05/2010 10:54

Bloody hell woman, he works all the hours god sends and doesnt deserve time off for good behaviour?

I get so mad about posts like this, you dont own him and as long as he would take over if you fancied a jolly, then whats the problem?

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/05/2010 10:58

YABVVVU - so he works 12 hours a day in a manual job 6 days a week but he's not allowed to go out?

He's not your slave and if you cant cope with the children and paying the odd bill then words fail me.

I dont see what family support has to do with it, you choose to have children not your families. Thousands of people have no family nearby but still manage to pursue interests, go out etc.

Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:03

Owwww! I knew I shouldn't have posted here But did want to know if I was BU

There is background to this you know...and I'm just a bit unsure if I am being resentful or he is being unreasonable.

Finances not a problem. I can cope with kids alone. How old do they have to be before I let him off the leash...hmm till dd2 is at school? Or at least playgroup. She has not slept the night through yet and dh has only helped a grand total of 4 nights in a year...I'm shattered and now he wants to bugger off for a holiday, for long lay ins and nights out. Yup I'm being bitter and resentful. Relationship needs some tlc, but dh doesn't do that so I'm a bit stuck.

OP posts:
moondog · 01/05/2010 11:05

well,arrange your own outing when he gets back.why is he not helping at home/

Lizzylou · 01/05/2010 11:05

OK, seems that there is more to this.
I am of the opinion that if he can go away for a weekend for this, you can go away for a weekend to do what you want. Only fair.
You clearly have other issues that need sorting out. Have you asked him to help out more?
Does he know that your relationship needs TLC?

compo · 01/05/2010 11:05

the trick is for you to plan 4 nights away in the future

tit for tat is what me and dh do

so he goes out most Tuesday nights and I go out most Friday niughts

he has one lads holiday a year

I have a few girley weekends a year

Spatchadoodledo · 01/05/2010 11:07

This is going to be a massive AIBU by stealth, isnt it?

Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:14

He is happy for me to go away myself. But I choose not to because I don't trust him to look after dd2 (I know its not good). We have a major disagreement on how to deal with her not sleeping. He wants to leave her to cry it out (ie give her a drink, check nappy, leave room for rest of night). And I am trying to do the 'no cry sleep solution' and I'm so tired I keep falling asleep when I should be staying awake. I need help and the last time I asked for his help he gave in after night 3 in a very angry way. I know how hard it is not to be angry and I don't trust him not to lose his temper with her or just leave her screaming her lungs out all night .

He does not see why he should do any household jobs, that is my job. He doesn't do tlc at all...I don't get hugs, flowers, cups of tea...not wanting to be waited on hand and foot...he is tired from his job but if I can get him a nice tea ready (ie made from scratch) offer to run bath etc then surely he can do the occasional nice thing for me? Or even a hug. But he doesn't do hugs.

Sorry I'm slow posting replies...

OP posts:
Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:19

Spatchadoodledo...guessing what you mean is I'm eeking it out?

Compo, could do that but dd2 is who I'm worried about, until she's sleeping through I don't want to go anywhere (not that I don't think about it)

OP posts:
Alouiseg · 01/05/2010 11:22

Sounds as if you'll have a better time without him there.

Never, ever put a man on a leash! He's a human being and if he makes decisions that you don't like then maybe he's not for you!

I've just packed Dh off for a golfing weekend knowing that i won't have to cook for him for nearly 4 days, i can have the bed to myself and please the dc and myself. I never see the problem with time apart.

The reunion is always a treat too

Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:31

Thanks Alouiseq. I don't generally put him on a leash, this is the first time I've said no to him about an outing.

OP posts:
compo · 01/05/2010 11:33

given that he doesn't help at all does it matter if he goes away

Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:34

Compo - tbh that does cross my mind, dd1 refers to his workplace as 'where you live daddy'.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 01/05/2010 11:34

You sound like you really need to talk, you sound knackered (stating the bleeding obvious, sorry).
Does he understand why you want to try the "No cry sleep solution"? Perhaps if he understood he'd realise why he had to to be consistent.
Is there anyway you could go out as a couple at all?

moondog · 01/05/2010 11:41

Well it is paptently ridiculous if he is doing fuck all around the house.

I can understand you not wanting to leave them too.I wouldn't have left mine at this age either but I didn't have a dh who did eff all around the hosue either.

Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:41

Lizzylou - thanks.

If I talk feelings with him, he stonewalls me. Sits with his face totally stony and impassive. Its intimidating and not something I like to do. As for the NCSS I have not even bothered giving him the book cause I know he will flick through, give me his thoughts (copious amounts of those) and do bugger all.

I have one friend I could ask to babysit, but tbh she's at full stretch too at the moment and needs a break herself.

At the moment I just feel too cross with him to spend time alone with him.

Going to have to sign off soon as he's due back any minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crackupthewall · 01/05/2010 11:44

Moondog - are you hinting IANBU? He does work full time at a manual job...saturday is a laid back day, more walking round and doing checks, as is the evening work.

OP posts:
moondog · 01/05/2010 11:53

Well, read your answer back and see what you think.

'He does not see why he should do any household jobs, that is my job. He doesn't do tlc at all...I don't get hugs, flowers, cups of tea...not wanting to be waited on hand and foot...he is tired from his job but if I can get him a nice tea ready (ie made from scratch) offer to run bath etc then surely he can do the occasional nice thing for me? Or even a hug. But he doesn't do hugs.'

FakePlasticTrees · 01/05/2010 11:58

YABU - you can afford it, you can cope on your own (as you normally do most of the time) so the only reason I can see that you don't want him to go is a) you'll miss him or b) you don't want him to have fun if your not.

If it's a) then you need to look at why you're so needy you can't cope on your own for a few days and if it's b) then you need to grow up and possibly question why you don't want someone you love to have fun.

diddl · 01/05/2010 12:01

How long would he go for?
Would it mean you couldn´t have a family holiday this year?

Could you also go?

Fel1x · 01/05/2010 12:39

Could you all go? and make sure while you are there that you leave the kids with him for a few hours in the day time so you can read/sunbathe/shop etc and get a bit of a holiday too?

Bathsheba · 01/05/2010 12:43

How long have you been trying the No Cry Sleep Solution for..? from you comments above it sounds like you've been trying this methid a long time and its not working for you....maybe time to try something else..?

MamaLazarou · 01/05/2010 12:49

YANBU. How long would be be away for? I think in your situation I would ask my DH not to (but then my DH probably wouldn't want to go - he hates stag nights, weddings and spending the night away!). I agree with others who have said it would be a nice idea for you all to go instead.

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