DH wants to go to Cyprus for friends wedding and stag do...

[Crackupthewall]

I have said no.

We have dd1 (will be 4.5yr) and dd2 (will be 18mth).

When dh and I decided to have children we knew we would be doing it without family supporting us. So to me this is a joint venture, we both knew it would be tough the early years, he has manual job (self employed 8am til 5.30 and 8pm to 9pm, works on and off all sat, gets most sundays off) and I do everything home related (bills, all household chores, childcare, etc etc etc)

AIBU? WWYD?

Op - I just meant that there was more to it, iyswim? Which there is. He is n help about the hosue at all, or with the kids or anything. I just meant that sometimes it is better to reveal all in your op so we can make a balanced judgement.

It seems he does nothing, and he does what he wants, you are exhausted and need a break, which he wont give you and now you seem (rightly so!!) resentful of the fact that he is going away for a good time. Does that about sum it up?

I think, in those circumstances, I would probably feel pretty pissed off as well.

As for not 'letting' him go? I am on the fence! I can see both sides tbh.

What I do think is needed is a big talk between the two of you. This is clearly much bigger than a stag do. If he stonewalls you at home when you try to discuss the bigger issues, then you need to go somewhere where you can get your point across - maybe relate is an option?

I really think you need to sort htis out - if not for yu and your happiness, then that of your children!

Moondog - I see your point. I know we have to talk but we both come from abusive families and talking about our relationship just isn't done. I have tried and I get his stoneface and end up just shutting up. Maybe I come across as angry (which I am) but I try my best to use non confrontational language, I don't shout, I don't throw things...just stay calm...and that's the response I get.

Fakeplastictrees - a) I can cope with two children, I appreciate a break tho. Dd2 is up frequently during the night, for long periods, and a break during the day or evening to have a shower or a cup of tea is very nice. I don't think a 15 to 30 min break a day is too much to ask? B) Childish? An element of that but it comes from hurt. Part of me does want him to enjoy himself, and how fantastic it would be for him, but it comes at my expense.

Re holiday together. IABU in that I don't like to go on holiday. I don't like leaving home, I don't like to go to strange places, I don't like the travel, I don't like the packing/unpacking. I find that holidays are for the benefit for dh's and dc. Not a holiday for me. DH happily lives out of tins while I still cook for me and kids. We can afford meals out but he gets stingy over it and does not see why we should not eat out of tins too. I know I am being a little bit weird and be seen as miserable as not wanting to go on jolly's...last time we went I was crippled by SPD and 4mth pg...t'was miserable.

Bathsheba - Dd2 doesn't have a month go by that she isn't ill with a cold or something or other (just started a cold and upset tum after a two week break after a 3 week long cold and sickness) and each time I think of getting started, start it, she gets ill again and I'm back to square one. I can see how it works, believe that it will work, but its just not happening. So end up just enduring and living for the nights she's only up for a couple of hours...bliss.

Okay, if you get to here, I am venting...I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm hurt and unhappy and fed up and I do want to be told where I am being unreasonable and where I'm not being unreasonable...please don't be too harsh! I will be acting on this one when I pluck up courage to speak out to him...I just need to get my head straight so it comes out right. I may even let him do what he wants at the end of it...usually do...just feel at the moment cyprus is a step to far.

I understand OP. Why should her DH go away and have a holiday when she's the one in need?

But never follow my example as slowly I am becoming the most resentful bitch i could ever imagine. Give your DH this one OP, then when you feel you trust him go away yourself, put the money in a separate account now. You must have friends abroad.

Why can't you all go?

Obviously there are bigger issues here than just him going away.

I really don't see the big deal about him going alone anyway.

My friends and i have an account that we save a regular amount of money into then we go away for a girlie weekend at least once a year sometimes twice, sometimes we're generous and let the husbands come too.

Family holidays when children are op's age should be lovely bucket and spade affairs which can be great for the parents too, it's different than pre children holidays but I don't believe that anyone ever had children and really believed that their lives wouldn't change?

Don't be resentful (you too PP) let go of the reins and find some equilibrium.

You say that you dislike holidays, do you go on them though?

I wouldn't be happy if we didn't go away because dh didn't like it. I would be even more pissed off if dh then stopped me from going away alone.

How long is it for? Could you incorporate it into a family holiday and go all inclusive?

Sounds like he's just another child (other than providing money).

I'd be happy to see the back of him so I didn't have another person to look after.

Well, that's assuming I'd ever marry someone like that in the first place.

LeQueen, stop sugar-coating your responses- you sound such a pollyanna!

I fully confess it was a lot easier work than what MrQ did. And it took me a lot less hours, too.

I'd rather go out and work 14 hours, tbh.

I found looking after young children and home harder.

Nonetheless, I went out and worked and DH stayed home and I didn't expect that that exempted me from doing FA in the house.

Having children means work. More work. Outside the home, to earn more money. Inside the home, in a lot of ways.

We're a partnership. I did my share, too.

Nor the boot's on the other foot.

He does his share, too.

I wouldn't be married to someone who felt happy his/her sole contribution to a family is money.

Apologies for lack of quotation marks.
'I fully confess it was a lot easier work than what MrQ did. And it took me a lot less hours, too.'

Crumbs can't believe some of you are suggesting op goes too
it's for a stag night
it would be embarassing and clingy to go too
I agree with expat, he doesn't sound worth holding on to, has he loads of good points you've forgotten to mention?!
And wh do you have to log off when he comes home?

We don't have any family help, either.

Or any help at all.

Come November, though, once DD2 is also in school FT, I'll be putting then 2-year-old DS into nursery all day and going back to work FT days, with DH doing shifts around me because we have debts we want to get rid of as we will soon need to buy a 'new' used car (ours has well over 100,000 miles and as we're in a rural area, we need a car).

We'll meal plan, do meal prep together, shop, chores, etc.

It's a partnership, a family.

DH is cooking dinner right now.

If I dropped dead tomorrow, he'd know how to turn the bloody Hoover on.

The girls and DS are and will be brought up to look after themselves, not assume it's someone's job just because she has a vagina.

Isn't it for a wedding too?

TBH,if money isn´t a problem & it wouldn´t be for too long, I don´t see why he shouldn´t go.

OP, I don't think you're martyring yourself choosing the NCSS, I think you're doing your best for your daughter and I'm surprised at the people here advocating you try CIO against your instincts. Don't want to get the thread all about that but just wanted to say that. (And one sleep solution could be to bring her into bed with you?)

On the Cyprus front, I'd encourage him to go and have a good time, and if I didn't like holidays I'd decide what I did want for time off/relaxation and ask for that. Sunday morning lie-ins or for him to come home early and bath the kids on a Friday or whatever. It does sound also like you need to talk to each other, but I think you know that.

you told an adult he cant travel and see pals.bonkers

you know what switch the genders.if you posted your husband forbade you going to hen party the indignant wrath of mw would squawk
leave him
twat
controlling & abusive

you both need to grow up

Golly, this has got to be the most exciting thread I have ever been one...I'm such a thread killer, especially my own threads!

LeQueen -

Anita -

Alouiseq MavisG and Posieparker - I heart you (tried sleeping with her, dh also does not like that, so try not too)

Geekoftheweek - I needed reminding of that. But dh does a wee bit of emotional blackmail everytime it comes to going on hols (says when I'm do X job at work I think of going to X and its what I look forward to...ie who earns the money) and we end up going to same depressing bleak grey place over and over again.

Expat and Compo - Good points. There must have been some once . He's a good dad to dd's. I do feel like a single parent family much of the time. And he does know how to use a hoover, he used to do housework at his own house after work etc. Just no cooking, or washing (mother did that).

Agree with Compo, I would feel uncomfortable going with it being stag do and wedding. Not my mate, never met him and you get the feeling this do isn't for the kids. (Besides my long list of 'why holidays suck').

Holding cause he's the father of our dc. I just need to work harder at the marriage...but don't even know where to begin I've got that much umbrage (now there's a good word) going on. Councelling would be a no go...not going through that again (been alone).

Loving the 'vagina' comment.

Stayfrosty - he has only changed hours on a saturday since dd2 arrived. And those hours were spent at business doing his maths that he choses to do to relax. And yes he used to get his own tea, hoover, tiny bit of housework (monastic cells looked homelier than his old house). You are right HE DOES NOT WORK 12 HOURS!!

His daily routine.

8 til 10 - work
10 til 10.30 - coffeebreak read papers
10.30 til 12 - work
12 til 1 - lunch
1 til 3 - work
3 til 3.30 - break, read rest of papers
3.30 til 4.45 - work
4.45 til 5 - travel home
5 til 5.30 - shower (alone, kids with me while I'm trying to get tea done)

I said 5.30 cause that's when I finally get my break. Well I don't actually, have tea to do, then play before bed then bed for dc then pray dd2 stays asleep so I get 7.30 til 9 as a break. Tough if she wakes up. So...hmm just worked out...he does 6 hours and 45 minutes of manual work. Okay, he cycles to work, takes 15 min ew, lets add that on 7 hours and 15min of manual work. So falls a bit short of 12 hours...and he walks round his work at night to check things...for 30 mins if you take away travelling by car. Which he uses to walk the dogs he has there. But he still does a job I could not physically do and I don't deny that he must be extremely tired. But I get mentally tired and emotionally drained. We both have it tough in different ways. I think I've veered off the point with no paragraphs as well...oops!

thesecondcoming - your opinion...I'm just doing what I feel is best for dd2. And I would like some help to achieve it, and as I'm the one doing the majority of the childcare esp at night its going to have to be my way. And we do agree on most things re bringing up dc but this is a major bone of contention.

Took ages to type all that...now I'm going to sit and click refresh 10 times a minute for the next 45 minutes at least...