DH wants to go to Cyprus for friends wedding and stag do...

[Crackupthewall]

I have said no.

We have dd1 (will be 4.5yr) and dd2 (will be 18mth).

When dh and I decided to have children we knew we would be doing it without family supporting us. So to me this is a joint venture, we both knew it would be tough the early years, he has manual job (self employed 8am til 5.30 and 8pm to 9pm, works on and off all sat, gets most sundays off) and I do everything home related (bills, all household chores, childcare, etc etc etc)

AIBU? WWYD?

Scottishmummy - we have children together...its a partnership. I have seen ex bf's off to stag do's to blackpool before (I know, exotic destination...) and not blinked about them going.

What scottishmummy said. He is an adult, not a teenager. And you are his wife, not his mother. Your division of labour notwithstanding, YABU to say "no" to his Cyprus plans.

OP I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Perhaps it would have been better for your dh to ask permission from you to go, rather than just assume he can do as he likes. It might not be unreasonable for you to wish he wouldn't go, but it would be unreasonable to try to stop him. Either he would ignore you and go anyway, or he would resent you bitterly for stopping him. Better to grin and bear it.

Clearly there are more causes for unhappiness in this relationship than just this trip, but look at the good things: - he is living with you and supporting you, if only in the financial sense. He is the father of your children and at least he is there often enough to know there is a problem with dd2's sleep. I bet you can think of more good points, if you put your mind to it. Is he getting drunk and beating you up, sending you out to sell your body, stealing from you, shagging other women? He might not be perfect but no one is.

I don't think you have to Discuss Your Relationship to improve it.

When is the last time you had some time alone together when you could talk about something other than getting dd2 to sleep?

By the way - I agree with you about holidays! Except I usually enjoy it when I get there.

Having very young children is a difficult stage in a relationship because it is very hard work. The "stonewalling" you speak of sounds very hurtful. Maybe you could try asking more open questions which don't sound to him like criticism.

adults shouldnt control/restrict their partners movements.

i read op i know you have children

my observation is this isnt really about a stag do.it is about you feeling neglected and him not doing a hands turn as you run around like blue arsed fly

you live with an emotionally unavailable man.no hugs, no spontaneous i love you.no wonder you have the hump BUT by being martyr mummy you collude with his laziness

so the stag do is you flexing bit of control as measure of how pissed off he makes you feel about everything else

deal with the relationship stuff eg his lack of regard to you
try have some time together as lovers
be explicit what you want him to do,stop skivvying after him

dont exert daft control over his social life,stag do aint the issue and you know that already

yanbu but i dont think this is about the holiday at all. more like that you sont feel supported in your role as a parent and also that you and dh have wildy different expectations of what eachother's role is.

you also sound like you are knackered and need a break but can't have one (am kind of there right now) so its a bit of a vicious circle of resentment/tiredness.

fwiw i dont think you will feel any better about your reltionship if he doesnt go its just that the seemingly outrageous suggestion of him going has brought to a head a myriad of niggles which have been piling up all over the place.

you are going to have to talk about your relationship with dh. how else is it going to hcange??

You should be able to let each other have a bit of fun outside the "partnership", imho.

I went to Amsterdam for a (male) friend's stag do a few years ago. DH knew that it was a mixed crowd and he knew that I fully intended to party all night, every night. He waved goodbye and took care of DD that long weekend.

The only thing DH wasn't comfortable with was that my good friend the future groom wanted me to stay in the same penthouse room with him and two of his male friends. So I got a room on my own. I thanked DH for this upon my return, because I heard that there was some incredibly high volume snoring going on in that room

Scottish, that's fine if you have a considerate grown up for a husband. My DH, before departing for two weeks on business, went out on a Thursday night for a couple and came home at 2am....hammering the door, and wanted me to drive him to the station the next day. Adults do have to have agreements about childcare and a 'worker' should not assume the primary carer wnats to extend their duties to accommodate a weekend away.

but after reading your post again, I agree. If Op was supported and not feeling like she doesn't have a minute off and that her DH puts in as much to the house as she does she probably wouldn't mind.

Glad someone agrees about holidays Must find nice place to go and see if it improves...time together...feb 2009 and before that...Apr 2006. I do watch how I say things when we talk but as soon as feelings come up...that's it...

Scottishmummy - you've just hit nail on the head. "so the stag do is you flexing bit of control as measure of how pissed off he makes you feel about everything else" Pissed off maybe change to hurt (okay and pissed off...there's a good bit of anger there too).

Yes I do need to do more about him acting more like a partner, not running round after him. But I'm still stuck with his stonyface...how do I get by that? And 'I work all day' etc 'you couldn't do my job'. He did once say (looking after dd1 for half a day that looking after her was 'easy', that made me feel rather undermined as I was struggling to make friends in a new place and was actually quite depressed and finding things v tough).

I need help with my communication skills.

I do suspect that he married me for companionship, not love. Which could well be at the base of all my unhappiness...he doesn't believe you should say 'i love you' as your actions should show it...and if they don't...

YANBU about the housework and support and communication.

YABU telling your DP not to go.

YABVVVU to use the children as reason (when you actually dont like holidays). Not fair on your dp to guilt trip him and not fair on the dcs either.

Is it only holidays you dont like? Can you have a weekend in uk? Do you like picknics, meals out, theatre?

Sungirltan - thanks for acknowledgement. It is a pile of niggles, if he goes I will feel v martyred...sorry everyone I do do martyred! Its an old childhood state I would slump into when defeated and bullied by family. I know its not ideal and does not help with anything and is actually quite irritating to others but he has a duty to listen and communicate clearly with me too...it takes two to talk...and if he won't then I will just get either pissed off or martyred or just swing between the two.

I think I do need to talk to him...but we're back to stonyface again...I talk, he no listen. Why is there no book 'How to talk so DH will listen'?

CoteDAzur - I'm not disagreeing, its the relationship as it stands that makes me say no. I don't feel everything should be together. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

Posieparker - nice behaviour. Hope you were able to say something. Agree about assuming childcare wants to work extra hours...not that it makes much difference at the moment!!

OP - why don't you "let" him go, so long as he's away at least a fortnight. Then you can have a decent crack at NCSS. If it's not made a positive difference by the time he comes back, then it's time to admit it's not working for you, don't you think? Then, you go away for 3 nights and let him have a decent crack at his way.

I hear what you're saying about not enjoying going away - but most of this sounds like not enjoying going away with your family, and there's no need for it to be to somewhere new, or even far away, you could go to your parents or a friend's.

FWIW, I think NCSS can only work for text-book babies, who don't need it anyway. I've read it, even tried a couple of nights with dd3, and it was utter nonsense where she was concerned. With all of them I've done "cry it out" and they've slept through within 2-3 nights with only 1 long crying episode (though dd3 reverted several times, hence trying NCSS). So worth it over many nights of them crying a bit. NCSS did not involve no crying for us!

But clearly this is all about other issues between you. He is a parent of your dd2 too, and he loves her (I'm sure), and he has the right to have some say in how she's brought up, including how she sleeps.

Also, I can't understand why her not sleeping through would prevent you going anywhere with her? In our family, we would all go on this trip. When dds were 4y, 23m and 7m we had a trip to South Africa, to attend a wedding, and it was one of the best holidays we had. Kids are easier when you have 2 adults on call all the time, and that's how it is on holiday.

Good luck.

yabu

its not a matter of money,where most of these threads are when one wants to go away on a stag/hen do but cant afford it

you say you can cope alone and that your dh wouldnt mind you going away with friends,but you wont as dont like holidays as you dont trust him to look after his children

what kind of relationship is that?

but yes he may work, and not 12 hrs and has a lunch hour etc, so wouldnt hurt him to hoover/wash up/cook sometimes

you are allowing him to behave like this

regards the nights, your child needs to be retrained to sleep and only you and dh can do that by being strong and repetive or pay someone to come in and sleep train