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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so fuming I need to ask MNer's for help with this

138 replies

BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 11:23

I need help to write a stern letter to my Doctors surgery. I'm so angry I don't think I can manage it without swearing.

I have started a thread about this before here

The jist of it is:

DP took DS2 for his first set of jabs. The nurse told him she needed to get permission from "the person that gave birth to him" and phoned me. DP was really upset by this, his name is on the birth certificate, DS has his surname.

Cut to today and I have just taken DS for his second lot. It was the same nurse. She said 'oh I think your DP was a bit angry with me last time' I said, yes, understandably.

actually I will do this in dialogue:

Her: Well we have to ask
Me: Why?
Her: Becuase he could have brought him without your permission.
Me: Well are you going to call him today then? I could have brought him without his permission.
Her: No, the decision is down to the mother, the person that gave birth to him
Me: What about adoptive parents
HEr: well thats different, they have taken on responsibility
Me: My DP already has permission, he has equal parental responsibility to me
HEr: How would you feel if a childminder brought him without you knowing?
Me: WHAT?? A CHildminder??? He's not a childminder, he's the boys father!!!
HEr: OK, OK, well if he brought him without you knowing and I gave him the jab, how would you feel about me then?
ME: It would be nothing to do with you, I would be angry at him. It's not down to you to decide his parental rights, that was done when his name was put on the birth certificate
HEr: I don't want to argue
Me YOu brought it up (childish )

Just beofre I went she pointed to the consent form that I would need to sign if DP brought him again

So, more eloquent MNer's please help me with my letter

OP posts:
mylovelymonster · 29/04/2010 21:36

Ah..most interesting. Odd then that me & DH got quizzed when we registered both our daughters (to establish his right to PR) in both 2007 & 2009.

mylovelymonster · 29/04/2010 21:39

...the question was 'were you married at the time of the childs' conception'!!!! Thought it a very odd & old-fashioned notion at the time, but she was a very nice lady so wasn't bothered really.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 21:40

Kevlarhead - Precisely. It's only common sense to see that they share a surname, the whole family is registered with the surgery, all living at the same address, and our DS was born after 2003. She was completly averse to listening to my points about parental responisibilty and equality between Mother and Father. She even likened him to a childminder

OP posts:
mumbar · 29/04/2010 21:41

Think practice nurse was wrong.

I would be asking if they ring every father who brings child for jab - because if they don't I would add predujice to your complaint.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2010 07:34

maybe your dh should dress as a woman next time
it seems any old woman will do

Original poster
BattyKoda · 30/04/2010 09:40

Old? I'm not old!

OP posts:
marantha · 30/04/2010 11:15

Hmm... A difficult one.
I suppose I can see nurse's point of view here.
I think it has got something to do with the fact that you are not married (not a criticism, so please don't think that).

The trouble is, when a couple marry the automatic assumption is that any child born within wedlock IS the child of the husband. Simply because they've made a declaration legally that they wish to be seen as a couple.

It's an awful thing to say, but if a couple are unmarried they haven't really made a declaration about their relationship so you can't really expect the outside world (including nurses) to know what is going on in their private lives. As such, you can't really blame the nurse for any confusion over the issue.
Sorry, but you can't.

marantha · 30/04/2010 11:21

OP, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you have an overinflated sense of self if you expect everyone else to automatically know your circumstances if you are NOT married to child's father.

I am certainly getting a sense of this from you here.

Perhaps your "dp" should carry proof around with him when dealing with authorities?

marantha · 30/04/2010 11:37

Yeah, MIlliways gave you sensible, straight, truthful answer in original thread but for some reason you chose to ignore it.

diddl · 30/04/2010 11:40

Although I don´t agree with how this was handled, unless you have the birth certificate with you you still can´t prove that your partner has PR can you?

Original poster
BattyKoda · 30/04/2010 11:42

My Dp and son have the same surname. I have a different name. We are all registered at the same surgery. My DP on the day told her he is on the birth certificate and has parental responsibility. I told her the same yesterday.

'you expect everyone else to automatically know your circumstances if you are NOT married to child's father' I expect our doctors surgery to be aware of our circumstances, yes. Not everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 30/04/2010 11:43

But how far do you take it diddl? I could be anyone claiming to be his mother? Should I carry birth certificates and photographic evidence?

They share the same name FGS.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/04/2010 11:45

Yes the surgery do know-and have no way of knowing that your partner has PR from what I can see.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 30/04/2010 11:47

He shares the same surname. He was born after 2003. She was told by Mother and Father that he does.

Also... how would she know if we are married or not?

OP posts:
diddl · 30/04/2010 11:51

I agree that the whole thing was badly handled.

But at the ended of the day she was checking with someone who she knows has PR.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 30/04/2010 11:52

But I have a different surname, how does she know I am the mother?

OP posts:
Lpsmum · 30/04/2010 12:04

from what I've read it seems to have nothing to do with being married or not - simply that DP took the child in. I don't understand how the nurse would know whether or not the paitent's parents were married
I agree that if she doesn't behave this rudely with all dads then she's out of order (well more so than she was anyway)

stleger · 30/04/2010 12:07

i have a different surname and have been married for ever...

notcitrus · 30/04/2010 12:13

I have a different surname from ds, and for the first few jabs I wasn't registered at the same surgery either.
Turned up with red book, they asked how I was related to him, I confirmed I was his mother and signed, end of.
I could have been anyone, I suppose.

The practice manager should be able to confirm their rules and explain to the nurse - the whole point of a father having pr is that yes, he could bring the child to get jabbed without the mother's permission, just like the mother could anyway!

foureleven · 30/04/2010 12:21

I was told the opposite, because dd has her dads name not mine, I had to get his permission!

Sidge · 30/04/2010 12:32

The nurse was wrong and it sounds like she handled it badly. I would advise the practice manager of your experience in writing.

However please bear in mind that us nurses immunising babies can be in an awkward position sometimes - I had a baby in for imms just this week brought by a young man. I asked if he was the baby's dad to which he said 'sort of'. I had to ask him to clarify, to which he then explained he has been with the baby's mum since she was pregnant and is raising the baby as his own. He isn't named on the birth cert.

Unfortunately he therefore has no PR for that baby and despite being Dad to all intents and purposes I couldn't vaccinate the baby without speaking to the mum on the phone to gain consent.

Luckily the man was understanding and I apologised for having to ask such personal questions but I have a professional responsibility and requirement to follow the rules, which involves ascertaining just who is authorising the vaccination.

It's a real minefield and whilst we obviously need to be polite and respectful there are questions that do have to be asked, even if patients find them intrusive.

diddl · 30/04/2010 12:35

Yes, Lpsmum-I think you have it there.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 30/04/2010 12:42

Sidge ... you sound like a much nicer nurse

OP posts:
Sidge · 30/04/2010 12:51

Oh I am, I'm lovely

marantha · 30/04/2010 13:33

OP, I have little faith in institution of marriage (being in a nasty one myself and getting divorced soon) but I am afraid if you wish your partner to be seen as your child's father without any fuss you either have to marry OR make sure that you have appropriate documentation at hand when dealing with authorities. It really IS that simple.

The state cannot and -more importantly- should not assume that a couple are the biological parents of a child just because they live together.
I bet you that calls of "state intrusiveness" would be made if they did.
I am sorry but a lot of people share the same surname. It means nothing.