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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so fuming I need to ask MNer's for help with this

138 replies

BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 11:23

I need help to write a stern letter to my Doctors surgery. I'm so angry I don't think I can manage it without swearing.

I have started a thread about this before here

The jist of it is:

DP took DS2 for his first set of jabs. The nurse told him she needed to get permission from "the person that gave birth to him" and phoned me. DP was really upset by this, his name is on the birth certificate, DS has his surname.

Cut to today and I have just taken DS for his second lot. It was the same nurse. She said 'oh I think your DP was a bit angry with me last time' I said, yes, understandably.

actually I will do this in dialogue:

Her: Well we have to ask
Me: Why?
Her: Becuase he could have brought him without your permission.
Me: Well are you going to call him today then? I could have brought him without his permission.
Her: No, the decision is down to the mother, the person that gave birth to him
Me: What about adoptive parents
HEr: well thats different, they have taken on responsibility
Me: My DP already has permission, he has equal parental responsibility to me
HEr: How would you feel if a childminder brought him without you knowing?
Me: WHAT?? A CHildminder??? He's not a childminder, he's the boys father!!!
HEr: OK, OK, well if he brought him without you knowing and I gave him the jab, how would you feel about me then?
ME: It would be nothing to do with you, I would be angry at him. It's not down to you to decide his parental rights, that was done when his name was put on the birth certificate
HEr: I don't want to argue
Me YOu brought it up (childish )

Just beofre I went she pointed to the consent form that I would need to sign if DP brought him again

So, more eloquent MNer's please help me with my letter

OP posts:
pregnantpeppa · 29/04/2010 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pregnantpeppa · 29/04/2010 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 29/04/2010 20:48

Good luck, when I complained about my previous HV about her breaches of confidential she just denied despite there being an independent witness so I got a half hearted apology in which is still didn't admit she had done it!!!!!!!

They did however say they would review the policy on phoning women's homes and discussing their recent pregnancy with the male that answered the phone assuming that a) they knew about the pregnancy, b) they were the woman's partner/husband/father of unborn baby etc etc

She also announced my pregnancy to my childminder!

AmpleBosom · 29/04/2010 20:53

The nurse is talking rubbish, i have given lots of immunisations to babies and if a father attends who has parental responsibility then he can consent.

Department of Health Parents guidance regarding consent

Kevlarhead · 29/04/2010 20:54

So, according to that dozy bint, my role as a father is to impregnate DP, and piss off to work for the next 18 years...

Sad, but unsurprising.

MrsAFlowerpot · 29/04/2010 20:54

My DD had a TB jab very early on because DH is Ghanaian. I had an EMCS with complications and my DSis drove us to the surgery, I couldn't climb up the stairs so DSis took DD in to the surgery. They didn't ask who she was or about PR - just asked for DD's red book!

AmpleBosom · 29/04/2010 20:57

Sorry meant to add that this document i've linked to clearly states that a father with parental responsibility can consent to treatment for his child

AmpleBosom · 29/04/2010 21:02

Also the Green Book (The bible of immunisation for nurses) say this in relation to consent

Immunisation of younger children
Consent
For young children not competent to give or withhold consent, such consent can be given by a person with parental responsibility, provided that person is capable of consenting to the immunisation in question and is able to communicate their decision. Where this person brings the child in response to an invitation for immunisation and, following an appropriate consultation, presents the child for that immunisation, these actions may be considered evidence of consent.

Full chapter here

mylovelymonster · 29/04/2010 21:07

It doesn't surprise me that the HCPs have to be very careful/work to very strict guidelines in these times of knee-jerk litigation, and it seems OP and her DP have over-reacted a bit. What do you want? To get her sacked? You'll write a letter to complain and you'll get one back apologising, but re-iterating same strict policy probably, so what's to gain?
She may have handled it badly, but can you not forgive her for that?
Where's the harm that she's erred on the side of caution??

Original poster
BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 21:08

Kevlarhead - Apparently so. I you don't actually give birth to a child, you are nothing to with it HTH to clarify

AmpleBosom - Thank you for the links

MrsAFlowerpot - I have never been questioned as to whether or not I have parental responsibilty, she didn't even ask me to confirmt hat I was in fact his mother today. But then I am a woman, so I guess she doesn't need to worry about any of that in my case.

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 21:10

mylovelymonster - She completley undermined my DP's relationship with his own son. Twice.

OP posts:
AmpleBosom · 29/04/2010 21:11

OP - you should write a letter because what she is saying is totally wrong and i say that as a nurse who gives immunisations. The outcome shoulkd be that the nurse concerned gets some training to inform and correct her practice

starshaker · 29/04/2010 21:12

Sorry but i agree with the nurse. My exH took my dd without me knowing (even after long discussions on why i did not want her to have the jabs) Wish the nurse had called me so i could tell her not to do it

Sassybeast · 29/04/2010 21:14

Did you take the advice of anyone in the last thread who told you to ring the practice manager and check what the actual policy of the actual practice was ? There is NO universal policy and as I think I may have explained last time, they 'may' have had an incident locally which meant that there policy has been adapted to provide clarity. The nurse MAY have misunderstood but I really don't understand why you didn't follow it up at the time when it was such an issue for you ? Sort of seems to me like you went for this appointment spoiling for a fight ?

Kevlarhead · 29/04/2010 21:15

"Apparently so. I you don't actually give birth to a child, you are nothing to with it HTH to clarify"

And yet the CSA says something completely different... how am I supposed to know who's right?

Could be worse I suppose; she could have just screamed "PAEDO!!" and unleashed the dogs...

Habbibu · 29/04/2010 21:18

Batty - just a couple of typos/comments - you say "question him in this manner" but don't say how he was questioned - perhaps you could say "override his authority" or something like that?

"about his Father having equally responsibility " - just equal, and "signed by me", rather than "signed by myself". Am with you - she sounds very rude. Hope you get an apology.

mylovelymonster · 29/04/2010 21:19

BK - I understand where you're coming from - really I do, but being a mother gives automatic PR whereas being a father does not so I imagine nurses have to see proof of PR?
Have never come across it myself - have always had to take the poor tearful creatures myself
Just think life is full of crap and 'you/one' shouldn't sweat the small-ish stuff.
That's all. Will go MMOB now

Original poster
BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 21:20

starshaker - but if he has parental responsibilty then there's not really anything you can do, except inform the surgery beforehand that they would need to get consent from the both of you?

Sassybeat - to be honest, I just let it go. I had no idea it would be the same nurse this appointment, they have a few at my surgery. I didn't even know it was her until she mentioned it.

Kevlarhead - that would be a more interesting letter!

OP posts:
MudandRoses · 29/04/2010 21:22

Blimey, that is awful! Just imagine it the other way round, in a more patriarchal society - no you can't bring your child in for vaccs, you're a woman, we need the child's father's permission. I could imagine that happening in Iran, but here??? Yet that is basically what happened!

Thankfully my DP (we aren't married either) has never faced this when taking child to the GP's for vaccs or anything else. FFS, he's there for immunisations, for the child's welfare, he's not trying to leave the country with it or get it tattooed!

Original poster
BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 21:22

Habbibu - thanks for the corrections

OP posts:
Habbibu · 29/04/2010 21:23

Hope you didn't mind! Just fresh pair of eyes.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 29/04/2010 21:25

No - glad you pointed them out

OP posts:
Kevlarhead · 29/04/2010 21:32

"but being a mother gives automatic PR whereas being a father does not"

Untrue. The relevant legislation was amended circa 2003 (can't be bothered to look it up). DP & I are unmarried, but I retain PR of DS for this reason.

Effectively this nurse has unilaterally declared that a father's degree PR is of lower value than a mother's, and as such can be ignored.

Kevlarhead · 29/04/2010 21:33

degree of* PR...

bumpsoon · 29/04/2010 21:34

I asked my childminder to take dd for her 13month jabs and no-one batted an eyelid?

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