Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think it is impossible to have male friends without there being some sort of hidden agenda on either part.

60 replies

Slugbrains · 18/04/2010 11:47

Yes I am being cynical, tis allowed as this is aibu not chat.

So what i want to know is it truely possible to have male friends with absolutely no agenda?

Cos it definetly doesnt feel that way sometimes.

OP posts:

bronze · 18/04/2010 11:48

I believe it is possible.

StephysFamous · 18/04/2010 11:54

YABU.
Most of my friends are men, have been friends with most of them since school.
Women can be way too bitchy, as can men sometimes but when I'm on a night out with my male friends they're less likely to say "Omg! Check the state of that!".

thisisyesterday · 18/04/2010 11:58

uh, i have male friends with no agenda. in fact, a lot of my friends are male...

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 18/04/2010 12:01

Well I consider myself friends with the husbands of some of my friends. One, in particular, is a sahd every other week and we sometimes meet up those weeks socially. I am completely, 100% certain there is no hidden agenda whatsoever in that friendship!

blueshoes · 18/04/2010 12:09

I have male friends/acquaintances I meet up for lunch occasionally, usually work colleagues or ex-work colleagues. We trade gossip, chat about family, career goals etc.

AFAIK, there is no agenda beyond that. I see it as gentle networking, if you call that an agenda.

Original poster

Slugbrains · 18/04/2010 12:11

ok then so why is it when you are single the agendas appear?

OP posts:

blueshoes · 18/04/2010 12:17

Agenda as in the relationship developing beyond platonic?

I suppose if one or both parties are single/unattached, there is always that frisson.

Slug, are you very attractive, physically or personality-wise? You are allowed to be honest, lol.

JaneS · 18/04/2010 12:17

Yes, I think so. I don't think agendas do appear when you're single, either.

Just get the 'do you fancy me/do I fancy you' conversation out of the way early on. Tis easy.

MillyR · 18/04/2010 12:22

I don't think there is always an agenda, even if both people are single.

Original poster

Slugbrains · 18/04/2010 12:22

A meer observation.

I am not especially anything, other then flawed and damaged. Oh and human.

OP posts:

mountainmonkey · 18/04/2010 12:26

I've always had male friends and there's never been any agenda as far as i know.

DP has female friends and I'm 100% certain that there's nothing sexual or flirtatious involved.

I think it depends on your personality.

fluffles · 18/04/2010 12:27

there is absolutely not always an agenda... i have lots of male friends and i've had them when i've been single, they've been single, i've been attached, we've both been attached... all combinations...

but if two very very good friends who love each other's company and get on like a house of fire and are opposite sex are both single then it would be weird not to at least question whether anything romantic might arise. it would be crazy not to at least consider the option. afterall if they're so great you need to know why you're not interested in dating them - but this shouldn't destroy the friendship.

blueshoes · 18/04/2010 12:36

dragon: "Just get the 'do you fancy me/do I fancy you' conversation out of the way early on. Tis easy."

I cringe at the thought of having this conversation with any of my male friends. I'd rather just stop dead in my tracks than broach anything like that. Then again, I haven't been a teenager in a long time.

Original poster

Slugbrains · 18/04/2010 12:39

Not sure this is confined to the domains of teenage years. Have been in some environments where there is a lot of joking about and low level flirting is the norm. Nothing to be taken seriously but creates an interesting vibe.

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 18/04/2010 12:43

I think it is, I have a couple of male friends (very close friends) with whom there has never been any frisson. But then, as a teen I had a couple of friends who later on asked me out, we stayed friends though as I think these things happen as teens! I had one friend in my early 20ies who was very close, I realised at one point or another that he loved me, but it was never mentioned, although I always knew if I had wanted to take it further I could have done. I just never felt that way for him, as much as I wished I could at times. We're both now happily married to others, and whilst our friendship has naturally changed (we were inseperable) we are still always going to be friends.

blueshoes · 18/04/2010 12:46

Slugbrain, my comment on teenagers was in the context of having conversations about fancying each other, not on hidden agendas in general.

Original poster

Slugbrains · 18/04/2010 12:49

ahhh see the name suits my brain function again

OP posts:

pissovski · 18/04/2010 13:08

another one who thinks it is possible here.

I have many male friends, and am pretty sure there is no agenda. In 3 cases I have known them since i was half my life (on and off) and they are my best friends (after DH). Another 2/3 I am close too. They have proved to me (this last year especially) that they are always there for me. I have always had male friends since i was very little.

I do have female friends, but my best female friend lives quite far away (and we are both to disorganised to see each other regularly! If we were to get together it would be 'business as usual') whereas i see my male friends more regularly.

I did go to an all girls' school, where being able to have boys as friends was seen as very weird (and obviously made you a slut ). I found the all girls environment quite bitchy and the problems i encountered there, i have never had with my male friends

notcitrus · 18/04/2010 13:14

It's certainly possible - many of my friends are male (used to be almost all but I finally found some women I actually liked too). It's also possible to have friends who fancy you/ you fancy them or even both and both agree to act like adults and just carry on being friends!

persephonesnape · 18/04/2010 13:19

i'm utterly smitten with my best male friend, we're both single, i'm absolutely determined to keep my feelings to myself as i don't need more rejection and because of other circumstances, it would be selfish of me to do the whole heart on sleeve thing. i could weep though. that said...yes it's absolutely possible - just not all the time and dependant on the individuals involved.

EmmaBemma · 18/04/2010 13:28

It's possible to have friends of the opposite sex without a hidden "agenda", which to me implies a consciously formulated plan of some sort. But I think there is often an element of "what if" and occasional non-platonic chemistry, especially if alcohol and/or emotional turmoil is involved, unless the friend is a total ugger. I speak only from my own experience, naturally.

sungirltan · 18/04/2010 13:35

yeh its possible to have male friends, its just that la larger proportion of men ime are out for what they can get rather than just being able to value a friendship.

i have male friends with no issues but i've had plenty of supposed friendships with guys where there were issues.

most successful friendships with chaps i have are ones where either we wor4k together and or one/both have partners.

DuelingFanjo · 18/04/2010 13:39

of course it's possible.

GeekOfTheWeek · 18/04/2010 13:43

I have had a few male friends at various stages of my life. All of them tried it on a some point. Ruined the frienship for me as I no longer felt comfortable with them.

Dh and I were friends before we got it together. There was always sexual tension though and I think we both knew it would go further.

Squitten · 18/04/2010 14:11

I think it's possible but I've never seen it work in my experience.

Two of my friends at college were "best friends" and then, when female friend dumped her s**t boyfriend, lo and behold she immediately got together with her best friend and they are now engaged 8 years later.

I have never had a close male friend but my DH did have a close female friend and there was definitely an undercurrent to that friendship that soured our own relationship for a few years before he stepped away from her.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread