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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
stressedok · 11/04/2010 21:33

its called supporting their child. They are going to be paying for most of the childs time there and the child is not always life experienced enough to go on their own. I think you are quite opinionated and 0short sighed. Who are you to judge the others kids lives. You don't even know there needs. mmmmmmmmm.

craftynclothy · 11/04/2010 21:34

My parents took me to my open days. It was mainly because it was so much easier and cheaper to drive there than go by train. Also the nearest station was 20 miles away and not on any major routes, so the train usually took hours and hours to get to anywhere useful, which would then have added in an overnight stay at extra cost.

I don't think that means I wasn't independent. At that time I was at school full-time, working 27 hours a week to save money for uni and was learning to drive. I paid for my own uni accomodation fees (the rest of uni was funded). My parents would take me down at the start of term & pick me up at the end of term (as we needed to hire a car for all the stuff and that was even cheaper than me getting the train ). They used to visit halfway through each term and stock my freezer up with food, cos it was the only financial help they could give me .

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 11/04/2010 21:35

There's a lot of looking down one's nose going on on this thread.

smallorange · 11/04/2010 21:40

It's not 'uni' it's 'yooni'

I went by myself. Would have been mortified to have parents in tow.

Don't know why op is getting such a hard time.

Friend was selling his flat in posh street in Glasgow a few years ago. One couple who came to view told him they were considering buying it for their son who us at university there. He asked if the son would be coming to see it, no apparently, he was too busy to look at it!

RustyBear · 11/04/2010 21:40

For those of you who say you want to got to 'choose' your child's accommodation - you may not get the chance.
At the universities that DS & DD went to, they were only shown a couple of rooms, neither of which was in the hall they ended up in.The accommodation often varies a great deal in standard, as well as cost, but there's no guarantee that they will get their first choice - one of the halls at DD's university has about 5 applicants for every room.

Anyway, at many universities they are only in Halls for a year, then they move out into rented accommodation, where the quality of life depends more on the efficiency or otherwise of the letting agent, rather than the university.

NotanOtter · 11/04/2010 21:41

ponders - no - it was not that impressive....

no implication here

hatesponge · 11/04/2010 21:41

I'm frankly amazed by some of the views on this thread!

My parents came with me to my Cambridge interview, and my dad accompanied me to 2 other open day/interviews at Birmingham and Reading (which were my second and third choices). I didn't drive so getting the train would have made my journey a good 2 hours longer - it made sense to get a lift with them. Plus I liked being in their company, and they wanted to come with me - getting into university was a seriously big deal in my family (as evidenced by the fact that at graduation I had 15 family members there compared to everyone elses' one or two).

They never made the decision for me. They were there for company, and support. They didn't come 'in' with me, basically just dropped me off and met me later. And I see nothing wrong with that at all.

And just to add - I didn't know it then, but my parents would never live to see their grandchildren, to see me establish a career - my mum didn't even live to see me finish law school. So I'm glad she got to be a part of my university applications, I'm glad that wasn't an occasion where I thought, oh fuck it I'm far too grown up and 'mature' to take my parents with me. I'm glad I did all those things with her while I still could, and I have every intention of doing the same with my own children.

And I couldnt care less what anyone else might think, or how they might look down their snobby noses at me. Because life's short & all that. Far too short to worry about not doing things you want to with your children because of someone more short sighted than you mocking you as a helicopter parent.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 11/04/2010 21:47

There was plenty of implication there NAO. Along the lines of parents who don't accompany their children being somehow better than those who do.

And sniggering. How 'grown up' is that?

NotanOtter · 11/04/2010 21:51

they are teenagers - that's what they do!

NorkyButNice · 11/04/2010 21:51

I'm really surprised by the replies here!

When I looked round unis all over the country 12 years ago my parents wouldn't have dreamt of coming with me, and I wouldn't have wanted them to.

Our school was very vocal about it not setting the right impression, and they arranged for previous years students to put us up and take us out on the town.

But then, my parents gave no financial input while I was at uni so maybe that makes a difference. I don't like the idea that just because I'll be paying for DS' education, I should get to influence his choices though.

NotanOtter · 11/04/2010 21:52

not nose looking down but its about the teenager not the adult

just because they pay for it - i don't think that should give them the right to make decisions

Ponders · 11/04/2010 21:54

NAO, Oxford & Cambridge are the ones with porters - & they are also generally the only ones who require interviews. Hence "impressive". But how would you know if they are or not? You didn't go, did you?

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 11/04/2010 21:55

Hi OP

With dd1 I accompanied her to one open day because a) she asked me and b) I had the means of paying.
I also took her up to Cambridge for an interview as she asked for my support.

For all other local places and interviews she went alone

With DD2 I took her to one open day a) she asked me and b)I could drive her there.

for other she went alone

I am very proud to say my children ask for my input as they know I will support their choices but can also add a little to their decision as I have known them quite a long time.

NotanOtter · 11/04/2010 21:55

errr i went to liverpool and they had porters

interviews - he had 5????????

Oliverboliverbuttbuttface · 11/04/2010 21:58

Op I don't know why you care - it's each to their own surely?

YABU and judgemental.

hocuspontas · 11/04/2010 21:59

I don't think anyone on here has said it's about making the decisions! Us parents go along if we are wanted and/or out of interest. Parents who are the type to make the decisions for their children will do so regardless of whether they attend open days, interviews etc!

Janos · 11/04/2010 22:04

I was beginning to feel like the odd one out here!

I don't think it's about snobbiness, looking down your nose or thinking you are 'better' than someone else...more that it's a rite of passage and an opportunity for a young adult to build their self confidence by making an adult type decision without parental input IYSWIM?

RustyBear · 11/04/2010 22:04

ponders - lots of universities have porters...

NotanOtter · 11/04/2010 22:05

probably hocuspontas

and tbh although i did not go - when it came to decision making ds did kind of ask me ...which maybe negates the 'trying to make him independent' bit

Janos · 11/04/2010 22:06

"Parents who are the type to make the decisions for their children will do so regardless of whether they attend open days, interviews etc! "

V true hocaspontas.

missmoopy · 11/04/2010 22:08

My parents came with me because i wanted them to. Because they were interested in my future. Because it is supportive of young people leaving home for the first time. Amber, what is your problem?

elvislives · 11/04/2010 22:13

Three of my children have been to uni. We did most of the visits with them. One reason was that they all chose to go as far away as possible so most of the visits involved an overnight stay and a long journey.

We walked around campus and we went to the general chats but they did the interviews alone.

Each of them chose which subject they wanted to study and which unis they wanted to try for. We only came into the picture for the actual visits. After the visits each of them made their own decision about where they wanted to go and which course they were opting for (and which accommodation).

We did influence DC3 who has ADHD when he couldn't decide between the last two, and steered him slightly to one rather than the other. As it turned out the one we thought would suit him better asked for slightly lower grades than the other, which finally decided him. He is now almost at the end of his second year and is doing just fine.

As for "what's it got to do with the parents" have you seen the form you have to complete as a parent for student funding? Your child is an independent adult but the LEA wants to know all the ins and outs of the parents income and family set up, which is bugger all to do with them. It is very detailed and very intrusive. It's about time student funding was based on the student's income.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 11/04/2010 22:14

Am really taken aback by this thread - in particular, by the nastiness of some of the comments. It's really sneery to suggest that anyone whose parents didn't accompany them to a university open day (mine) doesn't have supportive, involved, caring parents - what a horrible thing to say. I went to my university interviews/open days alone or with friends, which was (as far as I was aware) the norm.

If my DSs wanted me to go with them, I'd be delighted to - but resent the implication that if they didn't want me to, and I didn't go, that would make me an uncaring, don't-give-a-shit parent. My DH is an academic - he thinks it is odd that every student now has parents accompanying them. And finds it even more so when the same parents ring him up to complain about a mark their DS or DD has received for an essay. No joke, but neverthless.

shockers · 11/04/2010 22:17

My son asked me if I would go with him. I didn't take him, I met him there as he had stayed with a friend the night before. He wanted me to see it because he was excited about going and wanted to share that. He is an intellegent and independent 22 yr old who worked for 2 years before going to uni and lived in his own flat.
Being grown up doesn't mean disowning your folks OP.

Ponders · 11/04/2010 22:17

Oh I know they have staff called porters, RB - but would porters at most unis have much contact with a student coming for interview? (Unlike Oxbridge, where porters are heavily involved in college life?)