to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

Because they are interested and want to be supportive?! I did the majority of my visits alone, narrowed it down then asked my parents to come see the ones I had narowed it down to, and I am very glad they did - they saw many more practicalities that I hadn't considered and helped me make a much more informed choice.

YABU to judge everybody as the same and think parents are wrong to do this, just because yours didn't!

When I applied to university in 1993 I went to all the open days/interviews on my own. It was great . Went to a couple of course type things in the Lower Sixth as well, again on my own. I loved being given a young person's railcard and being let to get on with it.

I travelled from Liverpool to Durham, Hull, Cambridge, Bristol, London, York, didn't get lost at all and had a better time than I would have done with either parent there as I would have felt more inhibited. I couldn't have had them there anyway as they were either at work or needed to be back at home to look after my younger sister.

I think some people did get taken to interviews/open days by their parents but more people went on their own. I discussed the places with my mum and dad and asked their opinions but it was my decision. I suppose that with the increased financial input parents have now, that might change this, but I would assume that DS and DD would travel on their own.

Oh, my dad did go through my UCAS application, but as he was my form tutor at the time, I think this was all right

They were certainly around and talking to students when I went for my interviews/visits (but that was 36 years ago!)
Don't know about DS & DD, as we didn't go with them to any of theirs, not because we were unsupportive, but because they preferred to go with friends.

In fact, DD ended up going to the same university that DH & I met at, so we were actually pretty familiar with it....

Ones where I had an overnight stay meant it was less likely parents would have come - they both had jobs which they couldn't take holiday from (both teachers) so I had to go on my own.

Mog the implication by the OP was rather sneery to begin with - that by attending we are helicopter parents raising children who have no independence. And are irritating. Perhaps that's why posters felt the need to offer a counter arguement.

Haven't read the whole thread, but a few of the resposes I have read (skimming) have made me smile.

I went to my university interviews by myself. Parents weren't best chuffed when I got in to the less local uni- mainly because it was going to cost them a fortune for me to live away from home!

On the day I went to uni, to move into my new flat, mum gave me £50 and said goodbye. I got the train through, found the flat with a map and on the way bought myself a jar of coffee, a pint of milk, a loaf of bread and a tin of beans. Felt quite proud of myself, until I got to the flat- all my new flatmates were out (being treated to lunch by their folks!). They had their bedrooms all decked out with their "stuff" from home- stereos, posters, nick-nacks- I didn't even have sheets for my bed!!!

I opened a cupboard to put my paltry supplies in and found it full to bursting with at least a month's worth of shopping- pasta, lentils, cereals, chocolate cake. Next cupboard the same. Found a sad lonely empty cupboard at the end and put my sorry shopping in it.

When my new flatmates came home, we had a great getting-to-know-you pub crawl, and I loved my time at uni.

But I did phone my folks from the nearest payphone the next day and accuse them of not loving me!! They really had thought I would prefer to be independant. I am very close to my parents and I did understand. They grumbled a bit but agreed to bring my "stuff" through the next night. I have cast it up to them ever since! So much so that when I got my first job my mum insisted on coming to my new flat and stocking up my food cupboards

It's a difficult one for parents, I guess! The one thing I did resolve from it all was that I would definitely do what my new flatmate's mum did- she sent her off to her new life with a gorgeous home-made chocolate cake and a bottle of vodka, rendering her immediately the most popular person in the flat! (She's still my best mate, 20 years later!)

But Mog it's apparently ok to assume that parents who do go are doing so because they are control freaks who can't let go. That's what the anti parent posters are saying. You can't cry unfair but then make assumptions about others.

I'm another one really suprised at the balance of opinion here. I went to interview on my own, and neither me nor my mum considered for one second that she should come with me. it was an important step towards independence. am especially suprised to read that not having a credit card and/or needing to stay overnight might be barriers to such travel for a 17 year old. I can remember my mum giving me money for a meal and me feeling really nervous at the thought of procuring it on my own. but it was all very exciting. I met interesting people and survived the train journey. I hope dds are similarly independent at that age.

My mum died shortly before the visits happened so picked a university in a city I had visited before many years earlier and went with that! didnt really care by that point, I was offered a place without interview and so the first time I saw it was when I moved in .
If my children want to go I would like to go with them, if they really didnt want me to then I wouldnt force it but I just would like to know where they will be living.

I don't think that accompanying your children makes you a helicopter parent.
But you can say so without implying, or in some cases saying outright, that not to do so is unnatural or uncaring, or that the parents who don't don't care about their lives.
imo, it should be up to the prospective student to say whether they want the parents there (assuming it's possible for them to be there; many of the open days are on weekdays, so it may often not be)

oh and am laughing at the charge of jealously.

I think also, it would be safe to assume, that everyone here (on both sides) "cares passionately" about their children and their future. but there's more than one way to do it.

I've had 3 children at university now - 1 of them had no interviews, but I drove him to a couple of departmental open days because it was more convenient (the rest were done by train). I did attend the open days I drove to; the vast majority of students had at least 1 parent present, & the university had arranged presentations for parents & students separately, & for both together; and this was nearly 10 years ago, so it's hardly a new phenomenon, & I still don't understand the OP's aggravation about it.

The second was doing a subject which required interview, & again I drove to a couple of them, for the same reason, but in this case had nothing to do or see & took a book.

The third went to no open days/interviews at all - just decided on the basis of course content, & the recommendations of others.

Why does it matter???

"There are some parents now who expect to be allowed to sit in on university interviews, and universities have to try to discourage parents from staying with their offspring during Freshers' week."

I am shocked at the rudeness and aggression toward the OP.

i've also got to add the obvious point that uni is a major financial decision these days and rather like buying your first car or home your potential students may value their parents' insight as to potential cost of living, value for money with regards to teaching time and facilities etc.

OP obviously I don't know how old your children are but you don't care any less about their wellbeing just because they are no longer babes in arms.

finally IME unis actively arrange parent sessions during open days so they must also realise that prospective undergrads want parents involved?

Well in AIBU you usually get what you give.

You are a parent for life What amount of involvement and support each person requires differs hugely and there is no 'right' way.To say that less involved parents and more independent teenagers= better world is laughable!

Really mrsboogie? The op set the tone...

Just realised I have no idea what I did about money when going around the country for interviews - I presume my mum and dad gave me some for emergencies. I had a cashcard as well.

Yes, I know OP wasn't nice at all. But I haven't made any assumptions so not sure what that's about, Rockbird.

I just don't see that it's about how much the parents care (or not), but about how independent and motivated the students are - why are people conflating these? I don't necessarily think that accompanying parents are control freaks with excessively cosseted children, but really resent people implying that my parents didn't care/weren't supportive and involved because I went to university open days and interviews on my own! I mean, we did discuss it afterwards . But it was my choice where to go, just as it was my choice what subject to study. My mum would have liked me to study something else, but she'd already done her degree, so she had to gracefully accept defeat .

and you don;t (necessarily) care any less should you choose not to accompany them on these trips. unless dds really wanted me to I would very much encourage them to do this stuff on their own. because I believe that would be the best thing for them.

The debt issue (both student and potentially parent) is a huge driver in why parents may want to be more involved in university choices.

"like a couple of pot dogs... "
"it has nothing to do with them"
"bizarrely intrusive"
"it has sod all to do with you now"
"smothering"

Think maybe some of the OPs comments initially were pretty much likely to get people's back up. The OP is being extremely judgemental and not considering other points of view at all.

Calling interested parents pot dogs in an OP is hardly going to get people on your side is it?

How about instead of being judgemental, the OP should just accept that it should be for the teenagers themselves to decide, and just because one way was right for them, it might not be for others.

I wasn't planning to go with ds - but he's used to independent train travel & happy to go on his own (for the ones booked so far in any case). I'm not irritated if other parents/children choose differently though - it's really individual choice and circumstances must vary hugely. Having read this thread though, I'm now thinking I must go to at least one, both for my own curiosity and so ds doesn't feel neglected if it really is as commonplace as people are saying.

"I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice."

me too. I travelled from Cardiff to Newcastle on my own and stayed over night. also Leeds and Manchester.

My mum and dad did drive me up to Manchester for my first term and back again when I graduated but only visited me a couple of times, infact I don't remember my mum coming up at all.