to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

20 years ago I never saw a parent and it would raise eyebrows if you did. But over 20 years ago you were considered wierd if you lived with your parents past 18 years old.

It's a different world now and if I'm going to have to help my ds on his way to massive debt, I do want to see what he's signing (us) up to.

Am ASTONISHED that OP is getting a beating. Honestly. If these parents had an once of letting go. or the kids
had an ounce of independence. the world would be a better place.

I went with my dad for my uni visits, and from what I can remember (it's about 16 years ago) everyone else had parents there too.

The main reason he came with me was because I couldn't drive at the time and as I lived in the middle of nowhere and everywhere I applyed to was at least 150 miles away, public transport wasn't an option.

However, I also valued his opinion, and as I was the first person in my family to go to university, I think he wanted to see what I was letting myself in for. He certainly didn't ask any questions and hung around at the back.

If my dc's decide to go to uni, then it's up to them. However, I'd be doing the same as my dad and sitting quietly, only giving opinions if asked. Well, that's what I like to think I'd be doing

. Parents accompanying their 18 year-olds to uni visits and interviews is a very recent phenomenon.

my mum went with my sister to one of hers..(in..ermm...1992..?) as driver. I think some of my friends had parents go with them to some of theris... (in 1994-6) at least as far as having a look at campus anyway,

going into the interview with them is a different matter.

My parents came- but melted into the background/went for a coffee. They were going to invest alot of money into my uni life and they deserved a look at the city and I wanted a second opinion.

For my interviews they were the biggest, life determining things I had ever done, and to be honest I was glad my mum was in a coffee shop round the corner if I needed a hug between entrance exam and 3rd interview!

I think the real problem are the parents chatting up the lecturers etc at interviews/helicoptering/writing personal statements/doing all the ironing etc for many of the spoilt prats!

And saddest- the "I'm so cool and independent" types who were too stubborn to ask for support and stood petrified outside their entrance exam on their own.

Each to their own OP, YABU

Just because a teenager asks their parents to accompany them on university visits to get a second opinion on a big decision does not mean they are incompetent in other aspects of their life, not does it make them lacking in independence. My parents took me to university visits. However, I was still perectly capable to travelling alone. I cook cook, clean, iron, shop and look after many aspects of my own life. I could manage money, I could budget, I knew what I wanted for myself. I chose which course and univisties to look at. I made the big choices. But equally, I trusted my parents opinion, I valued what they had to say. Simply I qanted to have a second opinion on the day. So they came along. i went ont he tour and for the interview, they had a look round out and about and got a bit of a feel for it. Then we were able to chat, I asked them questions and they could answer. I made the decision, but it was nice to have someone else there too.

Likewise when I made a big decision about my career recently, I got DH involved. I wanted his opinion on it too. It helped me to talk things through and get someone else's take on things.

Is asking for a second opinion so wrong?

Riven - has your lad got a young persons railcard? Just saw you said that he'd have to pay full fare. Think they're about £20 but if he's going to be making a few uni trips it'd pay for itself I'm sure. Sorry if you already know about them

Not really sure why this bothers people, let your kids decide. DD chose the uni she went to on her own, was it because she could decide by herself or would it have been the right one regardless? Not a clue. As long as parents are happy and child is happy then its no one elses business

Just because we accompanied our children doesn't mean they aren't independent. Mine cook and clean for themselves, sort out their own student loans, take themselves off to foreign countries etc. They walked to school from a young age, and were left home alone sometimes too. Probably get a beating for that on another day.

my parents drove me to all my visits, as i couldn't drive and we lived miles from a train station and like most teenagers picked universities at least 3hrs from home. i didn't really expect them to sit in the car until i was done!

Oblomov do you mean these parents that the op has made a judgement on without knowing the first thing about them or their circumstances? A one size fits all approach?

You might have a good name but you're talking out of your arsehole! Each to their own as SeaShells says.

"Perhaps the uni staff don't like the difficult questions that parents often ask. Like how many lecture hours is my ds getting for his £3225. "
That is certainly a question I shall ask when I accopmpany DS2. DS1 got minimal teaching/pastoral care at his RG university. They took in students with a minimum of 3 AS at A2 and churned them out at the end of 3 years, largely with 2.1s having delegated much of the teaching to bored and often incomprehensible foreign postgraduate students. It suited DS1 who didn't get out of bed until lunchtime and missed most lectures, but wouldn't suit DS2 who will need some interaction with staff.

Goodness, I really had no idea on this, and that people feel so strongly but I stand corrected!

Wonder how I will be if/when my DS goes to university. Much food for thought.

How old are you, OP?

OP is definitely BU. I went on my own to visit uni, I was perfectly happy to do so and my mum trusted my decision. But if a 17-year old wants support with one of the biggest life decisions, why is that wrong? Especially as things have changed now with the tuition fees, my parents didn't have to pay much at all for me to attend Uni, but I can see why parents now might want to be more involved.

Well OP, thanks for telling me what I should do if/when the time comes, I'll be sure to follow your instructions rather than what my children would like to do.

Rockbird, what do you mean ? I have a good name ? what does that mean ? like anything I say carries weight ? oh please .
I mean i don't have any problem with a parent going, if the child wants. but surely most of those questions should have been asked before. and th e 17 yr old child is more than / should be more than capable of making these almost adult decisions on their own. I was. I expect current day Graduates to be able to aswell.

I went to all open days on my own, and also set off to Glasgow (from London) on my own without my parents. As did both my older brothers.

It wasn't that my mother wasn't interested, though she also left the decision making and application process down to me as well, but that it was a rite of passage. I was independent enough to do it, to organise my travel and accommodation. I'd already had a reasonable level of independence as a teenager, travelling around on my own or with friends.

I think what really made my mother want to take a back seat was her own recollection of her parents accompanying her (with her much younger brother) to interviews and to her first day at University. She loved them dearly as did they her. But my grandfather in particular was almost living all his aspirations and dreams vicariously through her (he didn't go to university - wrong class and not enough money despite being incredibly well-read and intelligent. Those were the days ) - she felt smothered I think. YOu can love someone and want to please them while wanting desperately to live your own life.

WRT the op. I don't think there's any envy there. And I can see where she's coming from. But I'm also not sure that I would be able (subject to dd, ds1 and ds2 wanting me there) to stay at home when the time comes. I hope I will have instilled enough independence (including the ability to reliably catch trains and deal with unforeseen circumstances) to let them go on their own. YOu can always visit once they're settled in.

From reading this I really think that things have changed culturally since I applied to uni nearly 30 years ago. It never occurred to me to ask my parents to accompany me and they didn't offer. Same with my brother who had to stay overnight on two of his visits as the unis were so far from home. All mine were long day trips by train/bus etc. I did most of my visits when I was still 16.

Also the amount of parents I saw on visits I could have counted on the fingers of one hand. I still wonder at why so many parents do seem to accompany their dcs. The practical info - number of taught hours etc - is all available these days on websites.

I think it really has to be the child's decision on which place to go. Three years at uni is a huge commitment and if you choose somewhere based on what your parents think I would worry about sticking with the course.

I let DD go to Open Days on her own - part of the thinking being that it was a trial run at 'is it a reasonable commute?'. In fact, one of her potential choices was struck off partly because it would have taken her half the weekend to travel home.
I did then act as taxi for second trips, which were usually interviews. The last thing you need at interview is being stuck on a delayed train so I took away that stress. It also gave her someone to have a 'second opinion' chat with. There is nothing wrong with bouncing ideas off people, even if they are your parents.

I remember well going to visit a University when I was 18 y.o., on my own. The rickety little train took 300 years to get there. It was the most miserable journey of my life.

OP's got a point - it's bizarre that less than 20 years ago, 99% of students looked round unis unaccompanied (even the half of them whose parents had driven them there), but now 99% of them have parents in tow for the guided tours.

I'm sure it's because the parents feel they are paying for it - parents I knew back in the early 90s were involved with decisions and talked to us about pros and cons of different places, but it never occurred to anyone for the parent to actually take time off work or out of a weekend to travel to a uni!

What do parents get out of a tour that they couldn't advise their kids on otherwise?

So, what about taking your children to help them chose their accomodation? Or what about taking them when they move in? Is that frowned upon too?

I agree with others on here, mabey the person wantes the parents to share the experience with them, if its an interview mabey they want them there for support so what, does not make you less independent. My mum went to intervies for uni with me does not make me less independent, in fact when i left i moved straight out on my own. just because you feel that way does not mean others should as well.

I was perfectly able to make these decisions on my own but I wanted my mother there so she could see where I was going to be spending the next 4 years. Nowt wrong with that as far as I can see. I really can't see why that would be an issue for anyone else at all, it's a tad ridiculous.

My kids both looked round all their unis alone - a couple of which were over 200 miles away Horror of horrors they got the trains and buses there themselves and thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

They chose their own accomodation - we just said that if they wanted en suite bathrooms etc they were paying for them themselves!!