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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 12/04/2010 17:22

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Kaloki · 12/04/2010 17:23

Lovely.

Why do so many of you assume that someone accomnpanied by their parents is controlled/unable to think for themselves. Is it that hard to fathom that the kids may actually value their parents advice and opinions?! And maybe ask them along of their own free will - and not because they can'tthink for themselves. As soon as I hit 18 I felt like an adult and felt like I could hold my own with the two adults I knew and respected best. Not asking for their input would have seemed odd - after all they knew me and my situation best.

flatpackassemblyDiva · 12/04/2010 17:25

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motherinferior · 12/04/2010 17:25

Also, frankly, unless my daughter is planning to study exactly the same subject as I did - and even in that case I would rather assume there have been some new developments in critical thinking over the past few decades - how in hell's name would I know if the course was appropriate for her? I'd just be standing around like a spare part/pot dog saying things like 'well, that room does look quite nice, darling' and other Embarrassing Parent things.

GeorginaWorsley · 12/04/2010 17:26

This may have been said,but it infuriates me that they are 'independant adults' except when it comes to tuition fees, loans etc.Then their parent's income is taken into account.

pointydog · 12/04/2010 17:27

grants aren't going to come back though, unfortunately

flatpackassemblyDiva · 12/04/2010 17:27

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Acinonyx · 12/04/2010 17:28

I'm trying to catch all the papers being blown about by the whirl of helicopter blades.......

I've also heard about parents coming to job interviews. Is that equally acceptable? Even at 18?

sarah293 · 12/04/2010 17:30

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motherinferior · 12/04/2010 17:31

The other logistical bit of this - which was pointed out by a friend who works at a university - is that these parents have presumably taken absolutely masses of time off work to do this. Which makes it all a bit unfeasible for a lot of us in any case.

pointydog · 12/04/2010 17:32

yeah, what's with all the pot dogs? Who talks of pot dogs?

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 12/04/2010 17:44

(Back in the day) when I was choosing universities, if Dad could get a day off/organise meetings in the area to drive me there, he did, but some I travelled to myself (including ones further away). When Dad came, he would drop me off and not actually come onto campus with me - do parents actually go on the tours etc these days then? There were no parents on any tours I did (though I grant you this was 16 years ago...)

I've always thought of uni as a gentle, fairly safe introduction to independence. My parents were very protective but certainly thought if I was old enough to go I should be starting to look after myself.

Niecie · 12/04/2010 17:54

So many of you still think that going with your parents to open days means that you can't think for yourself. Weird.

I used them solely as a source of transport. The university I eventually went to was 200 miles from home. I couldn't have got a train because it wouldn't have got there in time and I would have had to take 2 days off and pay for a hotel to go by train - not feasible for a 17 yr old with no money. At the beginning of term I had to get a 7.30am train and it still didn't get me there before 12.00pm with an hour's bus ride on top of the train which made it too late for most open days.

The others I went to were closer to home but involved going into central London and changing which is also time consuming and expensive. I was capable of doing it (and did on other occasions) but why make a big deal out of it just to prove I was 'independent' and to stop sneering from those who can't cope with people who make different choices.

Taking parents was logistical more than anything. They didn't come to presentations or around on the tours. They did their own thing or went to parent presentations. They were interested and nosy and came to have a look, not to decide for me. It was good to have their input but I made up my own mind.

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 18:00

It's a rite of passage for the kids, for many it might be the first time they've ever done a long journey by themselves or spent the day miles from home knowing nobody or asked their own pertinent questions. It's a taste of the first lonely days of university and an amazingly good social learning curve. Yes it's lonely, yes it's scary, yes they might not find out everything you they wanted to, yes they might decide they want to stay home and go to local uni - but they did it, all by their ickle selves.

Do we go up and hold our DC's hands when they go on stage at the nativity? By going along it looks like you don't trust them to succeed by themselves.

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 18:02

Transport is one thing but I don't see why the parents should be able to entertain themselves off campus for a few hours.

flixx · 12/04/2010 18:02

TBH, if i knew which uni it was then I'd be phoning to complain about a member of their staff slagging off the parents of prosepctive students on a public website!

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 18:03

Oops LOL, that's shouldn't

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/04/2010 18:04

YABU. I wanted my parents there as I was interested in their opinion, as I still phone them for opinions sometimes, 15 years later. I also needed transport as all my universities were miles away and I'm from the arse end of nowhere....

They had a nice day out, wandered round campus with me looking around, went round the local town while I went to all the introductory seminars and interviews and we had a nice lunch. Quite an adult way to spend the day.....

TiggyR · 12/04/2010 18:07

I agree very much with KathrynCrawford's post, except that many of us seem to be talking at odds here - she (and many others) assume that a parent accompanying their child is deciding for them, and asking all the questions, and controlling the interview. I'm sure many do do that, but you can't assume everyone will just because they want to come along! I would not expect to sit in on my son's interview with him at all - in fact I think it would refelct badly on him, like he can't actually speak for himself. I would just want to look around the halls, and the campus, maybe chat informally to some course tutors and more importantly talk to other students doing the same course to hear their opinions of it, (with my son, not instead of him!) and look around the local area, check out transport links, the areas big on private student accomodation etc. All the same things you'd look at if you were choosing a school, or indeed somewhere to live for the next three years. I agree with the person who said that sometimes it takes someone else to point out things you didn't notice or think of. It would be more about assessing the practicalities than about vetting the lecturers!

Ultimately his choices will be shaped by his grades, and the courses he's attracted to, not by what I think. My kids have never been that easy to manipulate and I can't imagine it will start now.

twopeople · 12/04/2010 18:15

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Niecie · 12/04/2010 18:20

Exactly TiggyR. That is what I have been saying.

Apparently, going with parents = no independence, unable to take care of yourself, pushy helicopter parents making decisions for adult children who behave like 12 yr olds.

What nonsense - completely untrue for most people (I am sure there are exceptions but still, a minority).

Parents have also always had to contribute to university costs - I assume they still do even though sources of finance are more available than they were 25 yrs ago. When I went the grants were worked out based on parental income. Whilst that doesn't give them a right to decide on courses and places to study, surely it gives parents a vested interest in making sure you are happy with your choices and where you are going to live?

pointydog · 12/04/2010 18:22

loans are means tested too

CatherineEarnshaw · 12/04/2010 18:32

you all keep quoting money and 'vested interest' .... should not be

flowerybeanbag · 12/04/2010 18:36

I went by myself to all mine. It was scary, lots of travelling by train, bus, across London on the tube, none of which I'd done before, and scary arriving at Big Places with no one there I knew. Did me the world of good.

I have three younger brothers and both parents worked full time so someone taking me was never going to be an option anyway. I initially wished they could have come with me but once I got there was so pleased they hadn't. Virtually everyone was their by themselves, mixing with other students, making friends, building their confidence. I remember bumping into someone I knew at one Open Day who was wandering round with her mum, and thinking 'bet she feels embarassed'. She certainly looked it.

MillyR · 12/04/2010 18:41

DS is shy and I can imagine him finding it difficult to go up and talk to the lecturers at an open day. But I would be a nightmare if I went with him. I would be exactly the sort of parent who would go up and ask stupid questions about a subject I knew nothing about, and would be worrying over every little thing. The solution is perhaps to get DS to take a friend or his sister.