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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
Kaloki · 12/04/2010 15:30

I wish my mum had come with me to see the Uni I went to. They might have talked some sense into me.

My parents still come along to important things with me to advise me as fellow adults. And I'm glad of it.

florence2511 · 12/04/2010 15:34

I never took my parents with me to visit uni's. I was a medic and so usually went as a group with all the other potential medics in my school.

I have a feeling that the Medical Schools wouldn't have looked favourably on showing parents around on open days. It was just potential students.

The only time I took my Dad was when I had an interview at Liverpool Uni. Then I made sure he went off to look around the town while I went into the interview. To be honest it was his idea that he made himself scarce as he didn't want to be seen hanging around and that it wouldn't make a favourable impression on me. He was all for building my independence. It was cheaper for him to drive me than for me to get the train to Liverpool - that was the only reason he came too.

When it comes to my DD going to Uni I should like to think that I would encourage her to go off to open days and interviews on her own. If she's like me she will love the independence and time to read on the train/coach. I don't need to be there. I can do all the research on the Uni on the internet if I need to or I could go mooching about on another day by meself to get an idea on the institutions my DD wants to study at. I don't need to be cramping her style.

It was my decision as to where I went to Uni and it shall be my DD's decision as to where she goes to study. Though I would be a lot happier if she chose to go to Bristol Uni rather than UWE if you catch my drift .

OtterInaSkoda · 12/04/2010 15:35

acebaby - good point about the student helpers. I'd not thought of that.

florence2511 · 12/04/2010 15:36

Ivy - just because you let your kids do things for themselves doesn't mean that you don't care. Letting them get on with things themselves is good for them, very good infact. Character building and all that.

Never let people make you think that you don't care.

swanandduck · 12/04/2010 15:36

What is wrong with parents taking an interest in where their son or daughter is going to spend the next few (and very formative) years of their lives? Being interested and supportive does not automatically equate to being 'interfering' and I actually think it is the OP's opinions which sound childish. The more mature teenagers are often the ones who are quite happy for Mum and Dad to come along and have got over the phase of 'shuddup, keep away, don't let anyone see us together'.

Ivykaty44 · 12/04/2010 15:48

Surely you can visit the uni when they are going of to live there and see where they are going to live, or visit in the first half term and take them out for dinner and see if they need feeding up. Sending the odd food parcel.

I agree with riven that teens now at 17 are very young, my aunt was married by 16 and living in NZ with a new baby, her parents wern't there to hold her hand. At 19 I was abroad and fending for myself, my parents cared, but they stood back and let me experiance my own life and made me make my own choices.

As for not going on a train at 17 for 15 or 500 miles - why not? I really don't understand and have been planning for my 18 year old to take my 11 year old 1500 miles on a train trip to see their grandma and i can't see why that would be a problem

titch7069 · 12/04/2010 15:50

Funny, i (like many others) chose my options (at 13) by myself, which A levels, which subject to read and which unis to apply to. my parents would not have dreamt of interfering nor would i have wanted them to. I did talk to them, but the decisions and planning were mine, it was my future NOT their future dreams for me that was important. We don't own our children, and if you believe that paying for their fees entitles you to make decisions for (young)adults then god help them. If they make a mistake it is their mistake to make, if they then have to start again without the bank of mum and dad it will be a valuable life lesson. Life is hard, it won't be any easier (mostly probably harder) the longer real adulthood is put off.

sarah293 · 12/04/2010 15:52

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GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 16:08

I think it's a bit sad taking parents with you. I would refuse to go if one of my kids wanted me to go with them (one of whom has SN). Why would they want the opinion of a parent? If it's to be their own decision, I don't think the parent should have a say, even if they are footing the bill.

I absolutely relished my Oxford interview - a night in my own study room, free meals, strutting about pretending I lived there. Didn't get in but it was worth it just for the glimpse of independence.

allegrageller · 12/04/2010 16:13

I have done the odd open day for my august institution and I find it very odd, the way that parents come up with their teenager hanging awkwardly behind them and ask the questions themselves.

I think it is a combination of many things: the fact that parents are now forced by the demise of the grant system to 'invest' in their child's education; the fact that children themselves are now too often seen as a sort of long-term parental project from which 'good results' are expected; and possibly the fact that our teenagers are increasingly closeted, underconfident and helpless.

I am frequently shocked at what I can only describe as a level of social disability among many of my students. They find it impossible to even email a lecturer politely let alone prepare properly for a seminar. They seem strangely infantilised, emotionally, socially and intellectually, and I suspect the National Curriculum has something to do with this. It's a vicious combination of circumstances for them to cope with.

pointydog · 12/04/2010 16:19

don't you think most 18 year olds have always been fairly immature and lacking confidence in social situations? I really don't remember me and my peers being all breezy and confident in new situations

Bucharest · 12/04/2010 16:20

I chose my options at 14, at 16 and at 18. (opting for Salford over Oxbridge, which really chuffed my Mum out)

She came with me to my interview at Salford, not to influence me, or because I wasn't capable of going alone, but because we had (and have) a great relationship and I said to her "fancy a train ride?".

Having a day out with one's teenage daughter does not equate to wanting to control her life.

sarah293 · 12/04/2010 16:31

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pointydog · 12/04/2010 16:36

I agree that a lot more teens go to university and that generally parents do fuss a lot more but I just don't think they are more immature than those who got a job at 16 and whose parents left them to it.

I think it's just all of us getting older

LindenAvery · 12/04/2010 16:40

hmmm - so I am old enough and independant enough to go to UNI...able to make my own decisions.....and the OP says I must not allow my parents to accompany me....surely I can independantly make my own choice on who comes with me and for what reason? And not listen to others should I value my parents input, time spent with them, financial sense....what does it truly mean to be independant and stand on my own two feet...being old enough and mature enough to be able to ask for help when needed and make up my own mind!

cat64 · 12/04/2010 16:49

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allegrageller · 12/04/2010 16:56

pointydog- agree teens are not a time of massive social confidence- but when I went to my univ interviews and open days I went alone and so did EVERY other student I met there. I can only report on what seems to me a big generational problem (and I haven't met a single UK tutor who disagrees with me on this- it's particularly chilling to hear the older ones observe the massive decline in social and intellectual skills they have observed over the last 20 years)

allegrageller · 12/04/2010 16:57

*I mean UK university tutors btw...

pointydog · 12/04/2010 17:02

Isn't that perhaps a reflection of the fact that up to 50% of teens now attend uni/college?

JUst wondering. I know nothing about open days and current students and such like

Acinonyx · 12/04/2010 17:02

I'm really shocked to see so many people think it's a great idea to go to university interviews with their kids. I really thought rumours of this were surely exaggerated.

I agree with Riven's ds - bring back grants.

rowingcah · 12/04/2010 17:02

I went round Unis and to interviews on my own or with some school friends if they were interested in the same places. School also took us to a couple of open days at some of the nearby Universities. The main reason my parents didn't come with me, though, was because they were working! They were very supportive and happy to talk about the different options (which to be honest in the end boiled down to my grades at A'Levels more than the places I liked anyway!!).

I think things are run slightly differently now in that open days are at the weekend and there seem to be a lot more of them (I work at a Uni now and they seem to be about once a month!!). Can totally understand parents wanting to be there. I wouldn't necessarily want to go along with my DS as I remember feeling quite grown up and this was the first real say and major choice I had in my life and I feel I owe my children that option too. If they are old enough to leave home then they are old enough to make the choice as to where to go!

Kaloki · 12/04/2010 17:09

"what does it truly mean to be independant and stand on my own two feet...being old enough and mature enough to be able to ask for help when needed and make up my own mind! "

Agree 100% with this

HesterPrynne · 12/04/2010 17:09

Surely it's a continuation of the need that many parents have to be minutely involved in their children's education from nursery up.

We, as parents, don't trust the educators anymore and seem to want a detailed breakdown of every aspect of the curriculum at every stage.

Twenty years ago my parents were happy if I went to school each morning, did a bit of homework most nights, and revised when they knew I had big exams coming up - so most summers!

No one ever asked them to sign a homework diary or a school/home agreement or attend curriculum nights. One parents' evening and one report a year was sufficient.

And so no, why would they expect to accompany me to University visits (I'm old enough to hate 'uni' . It was my education, my choice

pointydog · 12/04/2010 17:11

there is truth in what you say, I think, hester

motherinferior · 12/04/2010 17:13

Godalmighty, I am really hoping that by the time my lovely girls are 17 or so, I won't have to be at their elbows all the time.

Way back in the Jurassic age when I was applying to university anyone accompanied by their parents would have caused an acute attack of wet pants all round.

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