to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

I didn't even consider going alone, I wasn't prepared to make a decision on where I was going to live for the next three years alone!

I wouldn't have known how to get a train to a destination over 400 miles away because at 17 I was a kid.

I learnt to be independent at uni and haven't moved back home since. I'm not sure many 17 year olds get that much freedom and independence that they can make such huge decisions on their own. However, there are so many reasons for parents going or not going that we can't really judge can we?

Putting up tents sure can be a life skill:

www.archives.gov/research/native-americans/pictures/images/indians-077a.jpg

I was 23 when I started University in 1993, by which time I had lived away from home for 4 years, some of the time with my then boyfriend. My Mum came to one open day with me and I went to one on my own, we thought Brighton would make a nice day out as neither of us had been before whereas we'd both been to Cardiff (which is where I ended up) there were plenty of parents lurking at both from what I remember.

I do sort of get the OP's point though. A friend's DD is applying now and she is manipulating to some extent her choice of applications to where they have relatives close by that she could live with. I did feel like saying that really it should be totally up to her DD but they are going through a very difficult time as her DH has walked out, house needs to be sold etc and she's struggling a bit and can understand her over involvement.

Having said that I always ask my Mum for a second opinion on things as I value her input. I listen to the bits I want and ignore the rest, sometimes I live to regret the bits I ignore, sometimes not.

I took my parents with me for a couple of the Uni's as I couldn't drive at the time. I applied to my local one as well, I did that by myself.

Probably was a good idea, having traveled back from Uni on public transport a few times it takes about 3 times as long as by car.

I'm really surprised by all the people who say that when they went to university open days everybody took my parents. Certainly 15 years ago when I went it was very, very rare. And I have really quite controlling interested and involved parents. It just wasn't expected that parents would go. I would have been mortified if they'd asked to accompany me, but of course I discussed my decision with them before accepting an offer.

I do find it difficult to understand all the posts saying that it's unreasonable to expect a 17 year old to find their own way there and back, yet in a year or so they will be actually living on their own at university!

My Mum came with me.. we had a great long weekend really fun it was the first time she really treated me like an adult, and I realised she was a human being!

I don't think that accompanying your children to university open days has any correlation whatsoever with your children's ability or inability to live independently.

I was 100% domesticated and physically independent when I left school - I could shop, clean, cook, do laundry, iron, pay my bills etc, and I had travelled all over Europe with just my boyfriend of the same age for company. That didn't mean I had the skills to make informed decisions about studies and future career prospects.

Bonsoir - It's perfectly possible to help your children make an informed decision without actually going with them to the university - it's unlikely that you will get any factual information that you couldn't get on the Internet, either from the university's own website or from other sources, such as student forums.

What you do get from a visit is a 'feel' for the place, and that is something that only the student can make a decision about; their impression about whether they can be happy there may be quite different from yours - both DS and DD have had a totally different lifestyle at university than mine or DH's, even though DD is at the same university I went to.

DaisymooSteiner We obviously looked at different universities 15 years ago as I went to several open days and almost everyone was accompanied by their parents, including me.

There's so much judging on this thread; what is right for one family won't necessarily be right for another, obviously.

I think the bizzare thing is the trend for accompanying children, not the fact that it happens at all.

I went to Uni in 1989, no-one but no-one was accompanied by parents, and a fair few arrived solo at the start of term.

Now it seems that the norm is for students to be accompanied.

It makes the whole thing seem like commodification to me - parents are buying, parents get the say-so.

Of course individual families may be there out of love, support, choice of the 17 year old etc, but IMHO it's mostly a cultural change to do with mummy and daddy buying your education and wanting a bit of control over what they are spending their money on.

I don't, personally, think it's a good shift, and find it quite infantalising for the young people involved.

The move to uni is probably the most highly supported move your child will ever make - if you can't let them try out their fledgling wings with that support around them, they're going to have to try them in a far less supportive environment when they qualify as junior doctors, solicitors, teachers or whatever.

I don't agree, RustyBear. I don't think that you can talk in an informed way about things that you haven't experienced yourself.

We are going through a very similar process at the moment as DSS1 is in the process of applying to lycée. DP and I have done a lot more of the visiting/presentations etc than DSS1's mother has, and it is a real stumbling block when it comes to discussing options with her - she just doesn't have the range or experience of information to give informed advice.

Well I know when I went to look round at uni's a few years ago my mum was the person I wanted by my side. I was so nervous and flustered that everything they said went in one ear and out the other. My mum however was well organised and made notes for me which i looked over when I got home.

I value her opinion. I needed her advice too. I may have been a grown up but that didnt mean I wanted to make the huge decision of choosing a uni alone.

Personally I dont see its anyones business who I choose to take with me. I wanted support from my mum and that exactly what I got. What exactly is the issue here. Im sure people mainly only take their parents if thye want them there.

oh and like bonsoir when I moved out (I was 19) I knew how to do everything. Cook, clean, shop within my budget etc.

Presumably Olifin. Which ones did you visit out of interest? Think I looked at Leeds, Bristol and Birmingham.

A few months later I went to interviews at Leicester, KCL and Bristol and again, there were a handful of parents, but they were certainly in a minority. I clearly remember in Birmingham a mum there with her son asking in a loud voice whether they were allowed to bring their own fridges to keep in their room and him looking really embarrassed!

My eldest is doing this next year and has already said she wants me (not her dad tho ) to go with her. She has lots of friends who are looking this year and despite being very independent normally, can't understand why they wouldn't want their parent/s to at least show an interest and give another opinion.

I won't be going into great detail with her, but she will forget things she might need to know and isn't a very good judge of anything really - plus I might want to push one that is 500 miles away more than one that is 50 and it would be nice to have ammo!

In 1989 when I went to uni there were student grants available (I was 26 and had worked so mine was fairly generous), now parents have to pay an extortionate amount for tuition fees/living costs etc, so I would say nightlark has a point.

But I remember people arriving with their parents.

I can't see a problem with accompanying children on visits to prospective unis, but somehow fading into the background and leaving them to look around on their own would be a good idea.

Earlier there was a poster saying it's frustrating when parents dominate question and answer sessions - by all means it's OK to have a look around but I wouldn't get involved to that extent. Although mine are still only 5 and 7, hopefully got it all to come!

Dc 1 only visited one university and that was for an interview. On that occasion, DH accompanied him, as much to save the cost of the train fare as anything else. It was far cheaper for him to drive him than it would have been to pay for public transport.

I don't see a problem with parents accompanying their DCs if that is what the DCs want. And yes, where they end up does have a lot to do with parents since usually the parents ae having to pay out substantial sums of money. In some cases, though not all, costs have to be taken into account when making a final decision, though the DCs wishes should be number 1.

I don't think it is a case of parents not allowing their children to become independent or to grow up. When we got married and bought our first house, we asked FIL to come and look with us before we made our offer. And five years later, when we moved, we asked him to come and view this one with us. Not a case of not being independent or even of him paying towards it, just the fact that we respected his input and opinion. I suspect that for most DCs going to university, that is also the case.

I wonder when it the shift happened from a minority of parents accompanying kids to it being a majority. When I went to university open days 25 years ago you would chat to fellow potential students and everyone would be on their own. Now its rare to see an unaccompanied student and because of this I feel its difficult not to go along as a parent. DD2 is going to an open day in a couple of weeks and the sign up form says you can bring two other people with you suggesting that it is the norm to have someone with you (I think two parents is overkill personally) and because of this she wants me to come. She has been to something on her own at one university but that was a subject specific day organised through school and no parents involved.

DD2 only 16 and at the moment she is looking at university for October 2011 and so being a bit hestitant about going alone to something at this stage won't have any impact on her independence because its actually quite a long time till she finally goes to university.

But how much 'experience' do you think you get visiting a university for a few hours as a parent - you don't get that much even as a student - both my two learned far more about their future universities from talking to current students on the Internet than they did from their visits.

I agree with Nightlark.

It's the underlying feeling that its an extension of this dreadful helicopter parenting which is the issue. Parents being unable or unwilling to let their children live their own life and make their own decisions.

That's a totally separate issue from being supportive and helping your children move on to the next stage.

When I went to University (early 80s) my parents drove me there at the start of term, bought me little goodies, helped me get settled (oh yes, I remember the kitchen scrubbing LeQueen!) BUT I had made all the decisions, filled in all the forms etc independently.

I think some parents are far too unhealthily embroiled in every detail of their children's lives. Let them stand on their own two feet!

Visiting the physical location is pretty telling, if our recent experience of visiting schools is anything to go by! Facilities and infrastructure are pretty hard to assess on the internet. And you get to see the pupils/students at first hand and get an impression of who they are.