to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

I think this thread shows that there are a myriad of reasons as to why a teenager may or may not be accompanied by a parent on a university- so to make an assumption about the circumstances in either case is odd IMO.

My parents were going through a very difficult split at the time I went to look at universities, and my Dad came with me to look at one. We were glad of the time spent together. I was the only one there accompanied by a parent, and the tutor showing us round made some very snide remarks about me having a parent there, which the other potential students found highly amusing. Ironic really, as it turned out that they had a large amount of financial backing from their parents- I had none; yet they looked down on me for not being 'independent'. Hilarious.

I think the concept of 'independence' is severely hampered by receiving money from your parents

I also remember, when my mum and dad helped me carry all my stuff up to my hall of residence room we all laughed when we looked out the window and into a fellow student's room whos mother was furiously scrubbing down the walls of her room with a sponge

Snorkie
My best friend piggy backed a trip with me to warwick as my DD2 wanted me come with her on the open day, and her son had already accepted a place there.She was pleased to have seen it so when he actually started she could visualise it iyswim.

I don't recall parents being present when I went to my open days many moons ago (and I did two rounds of applications, so went to a lot of open days). My parents took the view that I would need to know how to get to and from whatever university I chose, so making that first journey was a part of deciding whether that was the right place for me (and as there was never a consideration that I would be driving before I had a job - ie after graduating, public transport was the only way to go). I don't recall any of my friends having their parents with them either, we all felt very much grown up and independent at 18. After all this is a very small taste of independent life, and generally speaking small steps a little at a time is better than going from total safety to total freedom. In my experience of my contemporaries those who did the latter found university life much more difficult.

I think that on the whole children are not expected to be as independent any more, and that's not a positive move IMO.

We went alone and my older 3 children went alone or didn't bother to visit - you can see so much on line these days it's just not necessary particularly if you're a busy teenager. But if a parent wants to go I don't see why not - people just differ. If you both work full time and have loads of children you're less likely to go than if you've one child, a housewife and that child is your total focus. I personally think my older children benefited hugely from having to be independent.

Another one who went on their own including 300 / 400 mile trips and over night stays. 20 yrs ago my experience was that most parents didn't go on open days. I did get driven to Uni at the start and end of the year but travelled on my own at the start and finish of the other terms.

I would be guided by the DS when they are old enough. For me travelling to the open days on my own was an important step.

"you can see so much on line these days it's just not necessary particularly if you're a busy teenager"

you really think it's OK to sign up to spending 3-4 years in a place you've not even visited? I suppose I can see that if you are confident of getting offers from most places (which might be optimistice these days) you might not need to visit until making the final choice on which to accept, but not to visit at all??

I went to uni as a mature student at 25 and took my husband and kids along. It was nice to have someone to talk about the place with and get another opinion and perception. There were things he noticed that I didn't. Don't you do that with any big decision like buying a house or car? I like to hear other people's insights even if the final decision is mine.

If I was younger and had parents I was close to, I'd have probably enjoyed having them along for the same reason.

The OP is very odd.

With wonderingwondering on this.

Really seems to me to be NOYB as to why many had parents with them.

So you were more independent... bully for you!

I went to university 15 years ago and it would not have occured to me not have taken a parent with me on open days/interviews. As far as I remember everyone did. I wanted someone to drive me so that I was nice and relaxed when I got there. I was applying for music so had to do an audition at some places.

My Dad came with me on the tour, we looked things over, checked out the general area/accomodation then an area was provided for parents to wait during the interview/audition.

His opinion was invaluable. I did accompany my dh (then boyfriend) for one of his auditons when his Mum couldn't go with him.

Then again I also took myDad househunting when we bought our present house and we have been living 40 miles away for 8 years. No matter how old you are it issometimes useful to have a second, trusted opinion. It is not helicopter parenting. My family have always allowed each other space and independence was encouraged from an early age.

I took my 6 year old ds with me - he was really supportive and enjoyed his day. I'm hoping he'll invite me to go with him to his

I reckon there's enough material here for a paid-for survey.

Seems like over the course of this thread some post that hardly anyone had parents with them, while for others, nearly everyone had parents with them.

Wonder if there's a correlation between the course being considered and the likelihood of parents attending, or the individual universities, or the gender of those considering the uni, or... the years when these visits took place.

Seems amazing to me that some are so negative and others so positive about the presence of parents.

Most of the comments (and I've not read all) seem to indicate that whatever their own situation, they would fall in with what any DC suggested wrt them going too, which I think is "how it should be" (whatever the OP's reservations, or those of some posters).

Ah well, maybe it's time for bed... yawning as I happily think back to a trip to Accrington from Brighton when I was about 13 to buy a large quantity of Magnesium (kept under oil, of course), several trips to London when I was under 15, or being away at college from 16.

Oh, and yes, my Mum did visit the college and looked at my digs too, of course. Small grant - course wasn't considered up to 'A' level until 3rd year, so a fair amount funded by my Mum who was a little surprised I quit before the 8th term and got a job in IT straight away.

Travelling and being away from home was no special challenge, as I had been away (admittedly I hated it) at a Masonic boarding school before I reached 10, since my Dad had died when I was around 7. There were some aspects while I was there which might be called "character building" like being strung up and hit with cricket balls in a "cloak and dagger" type game where one half of the house had to capture a member from the other half and "make them talk"...

MY son who is incredibly independent wanted me to go with him( not just as a taxi).....in fact some of the universities actually interviewed the parents too.
The ultimate choice was definitley his and i stuck by his choice. He chose the uni ,i would have chosen. He valued my thoughs and realised that i had gleaned extra info during the visits that was benificial to him.

I actually care where both my sons would chose to go,but i would never change theire minds as it is their future....if i didnt vare ,i wouldnt turn up to dee him graduate....but that will be the proudest day of my life. Doesnt mean they are mollycoddled,the are loved and respected as individuals. My own parents didnt really care what i did and i wish i could turn the clocks back and have caring parents.

I went to university 20 odd years ago and there were plenty of parents there. I went with mine because they did the driving and as a sixth form student I didn't have the money for 200 mile train fares and truth be told, nor did my parents.

They rarely went around the actual university with me unless specifically asked. I think that in several places, the universities even laid on a presentation for the parents. They expected a lot of them to come.

And as others have said, my parents were contributing so of course they were interested in where their money would be going. Neither of them had been to university or even knew anybody who had been so it was of interest to them to find out about it and even see a university campus.

I could have gone alone - I was used to travelling round the country by myself but it was nice to have a different opinion and somebody to pass the long journey with. I couldn't take a friend because they were all at college and couldn't take days off willy nilly.

Mostly definitely I was not smothered or suffering from helicopter parenting. I made my own mind up. It truth be told I didn't chose the place my parents wanted because the one I chose was a long way from home.

I intend to offer my boys the chance of some company too, if they ever decide to go to university. No harm. I will hang back and let them get on with it but I don't see why I shouldn't make life simpler and take them.

Of course, OP, you are entitled to your opinion but why so aggressive about it? Definitely the green eyed monster and a great big chip about the lack of support you got. I hope you can do better for your children when they time comes.

I'm on the fence here. In know the world's different now but when you look at what 14 year olds were doing in the past (working full-time, running homes and businesses) I do find it a little involved if parents visit a university with their child. An 18 year old is an adult.
OTOH, I do think it might be nice to have someone you completely trust to confer with afterwards to help you come to a decision.
I personally wouldn't want to go with my children because I want to give them space. Its unlikely we'd both completely agree on where was best (the criteria I'd be looking at would bet teaching resoures, facilities etc, but perhaps their criteria would be how fit the opposite sex was) so I don't really see the point.

The people who are keen to accompany their (nearly adult) children seem very defensive and keen to say that those who don't accompany their children are not "supportive" or "do not care".

It appears to me that there is still an element of control and competitiveness in wanting "the best" for their children. Has it not even occurred to them that "the best" might be to treat their offspring as being mature enough to make this important decision for themselves.

One never ceases to be a parent and,for sure, a 17 year old seems young from a 40-60 year old's perspective, but so does a 24 year old. Surely no-one here would accompany their 24 year old to an important job interview. Or would they?!

I remember the excitment of growing up and entering my 6th form at school where we had our own common room, going away for the first time by myself AND deciding to do 4th term for Cambridge, passing, going up to interview and finally going up to study. I was way too immature to make the most of the experience but that is life. A healthy adolescent enjoys that independence and a truly caring parent encourages that.

As this is MN, I will have to add a disclaimer. Of course, all children (adults) are different. Of course there will be exceptions. And, if 1 in 10 teenagers viewed with their parents, it would probably be fine. But there is something wrong with a society where the proportion is so high.

My parents didnt accompany me to look at uni- probably because I was 27 and married with two kids when I started! However had I have gone at 18 my Dad would have muscled his way into 'giving me a lift' then trailing round the campus with me- which id have been more than grateful about tbh!

I think it shows they care, thats all.

Wow! Didn't expect this to be so contentious!

As for those who have accused me of being rude, aggressive, intolerant etc. You need not worry, I'll still be waiving my lunchbreaks, taking your kids aside for extra help, showing them how to put up a tent or use a can opener (has happened) despite what you have said to me. I'll even do it with a smile :-)

Although I am sure that I'm now going to recieve fifteen or so posts saying "well my children certainly know how to do all of those things - in fact they were competing on junior masterchef at six months and orienteering up Everest at twelve..."

Good on you for coming back to this with a smile Amber There have been some unpleasant things said on here (by me included) which in the cold light of day weren't necessary. Definitely an interesting debate though.

snorkie, yes my slight off topic point that my older children did not visit most of the universities to which they applied... may be just laziness I suppose and if there is no interview and you're busy they just decided not to.

Not read thread at all (sorry)but I went to University nearly 20 years ago and my parents didnt come with me to visit any even the one 300 miles away. They were simply uninterested. Everyone one else had a parent with them. Still saddens me today.
I eventually went to the one 300 miles away and had to arrange getting my stuff up there myself.

Since when is putting up a tent a life skill??

I think it is rotten parenting to teach your children that they must take life's big decisions on next steps on their own. It is always better to talk your decisions through with other, informed people, starting with your family.

I will always be there to talk through decisions with my DSSs and my DD and I will ensure that I am as well-equipped to give them informed advice as I possibly can be. That will undoubtedly include visiting universities with them, in due course.

Like Xenia's children, I didn't visit any of the UNiversities I applied for before I put the UCCA application in.

I then (obviously) visited the 3 I had interviews for. But ended up going to Glasgow (having had no interview, just conditional offer). Had never been to Scotland before I arrived for day 1. But the course was one that knocked socks off all others I'd seen and was pretty competitive. Plus my brother was just entering his final year at Glasgow.