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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that women who have been dumped for someone else are particularly susceptible to moaning more than anyone else whose relationship has ended?

123 replies

GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:08

Have spent 2 hours this afternoon in the company of my friend, listening to yet another aminamted out-pouring of bile about her soon to be ex DH and the "evil OW", who she now appears to be cyber-stalking. I was once sympathetic to the my friend, whose (apparently) happy marriage was wrecked by the living incarnation of Cruella De Ville, but after 18 months of her incessant whining, the only thing I feel is mind-numblingly bored.

I think I am a sympathetic person. It's just that as when I think about it, I know many women whose relationships have ended in very unhappy circumstances. Bereavements, horribly tragic young widows, friends who left violent men, or ones who drank too much, or gambled every penny, or marriages that just fell apart when spouses grew up ... but, IME, there does seem to be something about the experience of being left for another woman that generates more self-righteous fury than any other end, however tragic.

She wants to meet for coffee again tomorrow. I want to shout ONLY IF YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER FIRST

Ok, I know I am being unreasonable, but am a being very unreasonable?

OP posts:
tiredlady · 10/04/2010 21:11

YABU.

Betrayal is incredibly painful

RedBlueRed · 10/04/2010 21:11

I wish I had friends like you...

Spidermama · 10/04/2010 21:14

Wow she's a lucky woman to have such a warm and understanding friend at this tough time when she really needs someone.

I hope someone's there for you when you need them.

Original poster
GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:14

Yes, I appreciate betrayal is painful - but is it more painful than losing your DH to cancer whilst your pg? Or having to do flit to a hostel because your DH is knocking ten colours of crap out of you?

Perhaps I have a skewed experience, but the 2 close friends who have been dumped for other women have both gone onto get really bitter and dwell on it all the time, whilst the friends who have had horrible things to deal with it, just havent' done that in the same way.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:17

Spidermama that's unfair. I have been there, very often, for the last year and a half.

She keeps saying her old friends are avoiding her, because they are socialising with exDH and the OW, or are too embarrased to see her etc., but I think she has just bored them into submsision.

OP posts:
BAFE · 10/04/2010 21:18

YABU - did you only want to be her friend when things were going well for her?

Your friend needs you now more than ever.

MitsubishiWarrioress · 10/04/2010 21:18

Are you GingerNorks as well?

Humanity and compassion are very precious characteristics and if you haven't experienced what this woman has been through maybe you don't relate, and don't feel humane or compassionate.

It blisters your self esteem, and yes, it may eat you up. Perhaps if it bothers you that much, you should be honest with your friend so she can find someone to talk to who will listen and play a valuable part in helping he rebuild her self confidence.

And if you are the same poster . Have you thought of getting yourself a nice little hobby so that you get something a little more positive out of life? Then you might feel you have more to offer to others...

OrmRenewed · 10/04/2010 21:19

Not having experienced either I can't judge. But a sense of loss compounded by a sense of betrayal and hurt must be pretty hellish.

I can imagine it must get wearisome so I suggest that you keep away for a while if you feel so fed up.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 10/04/2010 21:21

I think betrayal might almost be more painful than losing your DH to illness. With illness, you can only rant and rage against God/ Fate/ whatever you believe in. But with betrayal you have to accept that he made a choice to leave. To choose someone else over you. If your DP dies of illness, you don't eat yourself up with the thought that cancer took him because of something you did wrong. And you can direct your anger at the parties responsible, so maybe makes it harder to let go of?

I have no experience of either. But does it really need to be a direct comparison anyway? I can understand your point if you personally have lost your DH in tragic circumstances, but othrwise it seems pretty meaningless to compare. Yeah, your friend hasn't lost her house and children in an earthquake. Or been brutalised and savaged by civil war. But hey, she is hurting and she is meant to be your friend

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 10/04/2010 21:26

Was going to say exactly that, Jooly. Illness etc is something that happened to him, going off with another woman is something he did to you.

Very different.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2010 21:28

what a fab friend you are - you sound so caring and understanding.

Original poster
GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:30

Joolyjoolyjoo Im not sure I agree. My friend who was widowed (her DH had a heart attack aged 32 whilst she was PG) did rage for a while. She was angry with him (for smoking and being overwieght) and with herself for not stopping with him, and at points with herself for loving him, and with God for obvious reasons (because they are plenty porky smoking 30-somethings who don't drop dead.

I had have various other friends who have had to leave very bad relationships - sometimes leaving me they loved, becaues they felt they had no choice.

No one ever seems to have become so self-obessed and sorry for themselves though, other than the friends whose DH ran away with DD's friend (which was all very shocking).

OrmRenewed You are right. I think I am all out of sympathy. What has kept me so long is that all her other friends seem to have distanced themselves - I can totally appreciate why. Today she said such horrible things about DH and OW that I came away feeling quite upset (though I don't know either of them in person, it was that bad)

OP posts:
Majestic · 10/04/2010 21:31

hmm I can see why others are so scathing, as you sound quite cold hearted in the way that you post but 18months down the line, I would be sick of it too a little bit, I have to admit

Nemain · 10/04/2010 21:31

Mitsubishi - I also wondered if this was GibgerNorks.

I'd just love to have a friend like you OP. Really. I would.

Nemain · 10/04/2010 21:31

*GingerNorks

Original poster
GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:33

I'm not gingernorks. I assume there is another gingercatty though, as it wouldn't let me have that name - but I'm not her either.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/04/2010 21:33

Bereavement is different because he's gone. When he's left you for someone else, he's still there, hanging around and popping up to remind you that he's fucked off with someone else.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2010 21:34

Interesting first post to make though Which are you, troll or namechanger?

porcamiseria · 10/04/2010 21:35

its clearly been a tough afternoon. But I think that being betrayed is bloody hard. Its that combo of loss, betrayal, someone else being better than you, that just bloody kicks people in the teeth. Its hard.

Original poster
GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:35

Magestic thank you. I think posters might be better placed to reserve their nasty comments for the friends who ran as soon as the marriage ended. I've only become so drawn in because other so-called friends haven't wanted to get involved.

OP posts:
lovechoc · 10/04/2010 21:38

That does sound really tough what your friend is going through but can you imagine how much worse it would be if your friend's husband had left her for another man?? This has happened to someone I know in the family. And yes you definately need support and LOTS of it when you are going through such a traumatic time.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2010 21:38

That simply makes you slightly better than them, it doesn't change the fact that you aren't a true friend but are, in fact, rather bitchy.

ShadeofViolet · 10/04/2010 21:39

Well lets hope the same never happens to you, or that if it does, you 'friends' dont turn out to be total bitches.

MrsWillis · 10/04/2010 21:40

My DH left me 3 months ago for someone who was after him for months. I knew she was but he told me I was paranoid.

I hope my friends arn't fed up of me ranting about it with them, however I also think that 18 months is a long time and personally I hope I am over it as well as I can be by then. Not only so I don't annoy my friends and make them feel like you do but also for myself.

Original poster
GinggerCatty · 10/04/2010 21:44

SoupDragon When someone dies they are not gone. It is hard to explain if you haven't lost a spouse, but it is like they co-exist in your life - still there, popping up from time to time. Hard to explain - I think Truly, Madly Deeply did it quite well. But bascially, they are still there - you wonder what they would think of this, or enjoy what you're doing now - you wonder where they are now - you re-interpret the things they said when they were alive. They continue to be part of your life.

Troll or namechanger? Oh, I don't know - there are other helplines y'know?

Porcamiseria I think lots of marriage break ups are hard, but perhaps the combination of loss and betrayal and competing OW leads one to talk about it more?

It has also occurred to me that talking about how awful her DH is stops her recovering?

OP posts: