to think that women who have been dumped for someone else are particularly susceptible to moaning more than anyone else whose relationship has ended?

[GinggerCatty]

Have spent 2 hours this afternoon in the company of my friend, listening to yet another aminamted out-pouring of bile about her soon to be ex DH and the "evil OW", who she now appears to be cyber-stalking. I was once sympathetic to the my friend, whose (apparently) happy marriage was wrecked by the living incarnation of Cruella De Ville, but after 18 months of her incessant whining, the only thing I feel is mind-numblingly bored.

I think I am a sympathetic person. It's just that as when I think about it, I know many women whose relationships have ended in very unhappy circumstances. Bereavements, horribly tragic young widows, friends who left violent men, or ones who drank too much, or gambled every penny, or marriages that just fell apart when spouses grew up ... but, IME, there does seem to be something about the experience of being left for another woman that generates more self-righteous fury than any other end, however tragic.

She wants to meet for coffee again tomorrow. I want to shout ONLY IF YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER FIRST

Ok, I know I am being unreasonable, but am a being very unreasonable?

I wonder if you could have said it a bit differently, that's all - maybe not 'enough is enough, don't talk to me about it' but 'oh dear, it seems like you really are having trouble with this, perhaps you could use a debrief - I know a good counsellor' etc.

The way you did it was very anger-influenced by the sound of it, and quite rejecting of her though I can see you tried to moderate it somewhat.

I don't think you needed to say 'I won't hear another word about this'. There were other ways of getting the message across and I'm sure she feels totally gutted now. But at least you have extricated yourself from the obligation to listen now.

My sister has the same kind of tact, I know she means well, but the way she does it is usually quite upsetting.

I agree with Fliight. It was good your were trying to be honest about needing counseling but maybe more tact would've been good?

The other person who suggested sending a card, I thought that was a good idea, let her calm down and then send a card saying how much you do care etc.

Its isn't healthy for her to be obsessing over the other women like this. I DO hope she does seek counseling.

I did find your original post upsetting but tried not to be rude. But I have to agree that suggesting you view the OW's house for sale, seems to indicate an unhealthy obsession with her.

Do you think so Fliight? I
thought OP set really clear boundaries, while still confirming her care and love for her friend. Having a friend who was a bit like this but after a lot of hard work has become the person she was always meant to be, I know how unhelpful it is to support someone to continue with this sort of behaviour. It's a pretty impossible situation really, isn't it?

That's just it Wahwah, she set boundaries to allow herself to feel better about it - which is great, really - but it didn't need to be spelled out in that way to the friend.

The whole thing was about OP rather than about the friend.

I can see the OP's frustration but she didn't need to make it so very clear to her friend, that was pretty hurtful imo.

If I'd been in that situation, with a person I actually cared about, I'd have kept some of it to myself while trying to alter their situation more subtly...but then it's sounded from the outset as though OP doesn't really like this person, or at least is very angry with them.

I don't see why she let it go this far before finally snapping, iyswim...surely best to say something sooner rather than wait till you are really furious and can't take another second of it. That sounds daft to me...sorry.

Sorry, what I mean is two things:

1. it's passive aggressive to allow someone to irritate you for 18 months getting angrier and angrier before saying something, though I'm sure OP wasn't consciously doing this - then ultra hurtful to let someone know they've been irritating you for 18 months. Not surprisingly friend is very hurt.

1. it's a conditional friendship, ie 'i will only be your friend if you stop talking about such and such' rather than 'I am your friend, I want to help you'

Not to say the friendship is completely worthless but it isn't as supportive as it could be.

passive aggressive has always confused me!

18 months is too long a time to be so focussed on a break up, to the extent you describe. It would bother me to ESP the nasty comments about people you don't know she should reign it in now and find something else to focus on for her own health. Some people just can't process a break up it's quite sad

basically it means being a bit of a martyr, iyswim

Sorry OP to dissect you like this, it's very interesting though hope it isn't making you feel worse.

My word- it seems like for some people the OW deserves evrything she gets! I think though she bares some responsability the main person 1 woman can not ruin a marriage/ relationship! If the relationship was strong enough in the first place it would have never had broken down! I just don't understand how some people let themselves turn into such victims!

Whose life will this obsessive/ self pittying hate party eventually destroy? The wife/ girlfriend and possibly their DC's. It is very hard but to wash your hands of someone is so much better for you in the long term.

OP you have done the right thing 100%- if she was to assault the ow or start stalking her she could end up with a criminal record and in trouble.

You need to help her build her self esteem- as with every bitter step towards seeking her way to revenge herself she is just eroding any ounce of dignity she could hope to have left.

I aggree with others- she needs professional help and also a good friend- a good friend like you to help her see there is more to life than this betrayal. There is more to her than a victim- I'm sure you will help her through this hard time and you have done the best thing.

Thanks Fliight - have learned my something new for today!

By the way, I'm not negating the fact the friend has behaved weirdly and possibly is also not supportive to OP, in turn...but we don't have that information.

I think it is human nature to get irritated listening to the same thing for a prolonged period of time. No matter how upset someone is if you don't see them helping themselves surely anyone would get frustrated?

Sure, but you wouldn't bottle it all up till you feel justified in getting really angry, would you? You'd try and work through it together, starting a bit earlier on.

It almost sounds as though OP is asking for validation to leave the relationship, having patiently waited for so long - rather than addressing the issue with her 'friend' much, much sooner.

there was no need to sit it out for this length of time.

True.

Not really the case, I'm afraid. In the beginning I was truly, completely sympathetic. I would think it was normal to vent for some time.

It would be hard to step back too far anyway. I can see friend's garden from mine, and our DCs are in the same class, so we are very involved. It's just before this happened we were sort of Mummy friends - like playdates and coffee and chat about centre parcs, and we only got closer and personal went her DH left her.

So anyway, I have seen her this morning already on the school run.

So after I left yesterday she did the totally undignified - I have no pride left and will call all old mutual friends - and managed to find out what she really wanted to know. Which is that OW is selling up to buy somewhere that suits them both better, and they are moving in together. But one of the old friends also gave away that OW is pg - which she didn't suspect.

So now she is totally distraught that her DH(?) has got another woman pg - and I wanted to say, but he hasn't been with you for over a year - but she had some of the other friends in our circle around her, who have re-engaged now that there is a fresh installment. So I just muttered I was really sorry - and would be around later if she needed - I KNOW I AM CRAP - and shouldn't have said that as I seem to be giving out very mixed messages.

Oh dear your poor friend. It must be hard to hear how her exh is moving on so well.

She does need to find a way out of the spiral downwards. It must be very hard to switch off completely if you the h leaves. It would also be lack of control that is she finding tough, she needs to try and regain some control.

(I haven't ever been left for someone else, but I do seem to have a lot of empathy for wives who suddenly find themselves without the ability to be completely in control of their own lives. It is the one thing I would hate to lose.)

Gingerc I can empathise with the moaning however. I have a a friend who indeed does have everything, but constantly would moan about things. In the end I said you're life is great, enjoy it and that was the end of the moaning.

Bit different for you of course, why not say I am happy to hear about how you will move forward (and nothing else about exh).

god your!

Wow! It must be hard to hear that her H and OW are now expecting a baby. That is something I dread hearing now my H has left me for another women. It'll hurt.

She needs to book in counseling and maybe speak to the doc too asap.

Buy her some chocolates and drop them in and then say you're busy today you forgot but will be thinking of her. If you don't have any emotional energy to give right now. That is OK, just be kind x

there was just some research saying it took people on average 17 months to get over a divorce, and that was AFTER it was finalised.

I personally don't think 18 months is that long to get over a very painful break. It may be too long to keep moaning over the same things and being obssessed with the OW but the pain can linger a long time.

The added kicker of the pregnancy could keep things going for a while yet, sadly.

I agree though that she needs to break out of the rut of talking about it all the time, though it's important to know you have support for those times where you just can't keep it together (hopefully more and more rare over time.)

THing is, maybe the dumped friend isn't, actually a very nice person. She doesn't sound like one what with all this obsessive whining, stalking and malice. OP is perfectly right to want to disengage as much as possibleIMO.

oH well, the fact they are having a baby together is going to keep her going for another 18 months by the time OW gets through the pregnancy and first year of parenting. This is where she will go on about how the ex is parenting in a way he never did with OP's friend and the competition between which children are most important will start.

Minefield.

SpiritualKnot
all the luck in the world to you right now in dealing with this!
its funny finding out who your friends are when the shit hits the fan...

*SolidGoldBrass
"Let's not forget that sometimes people get dumped because they are unbearable anyway, whiners, lazyarses, pathologically jealous before they were given any reason to be, boring or bad in bed. I don't get this idea that being dunmped confers sainthood. "

hear hear!

oh OP, you did the right thing. just continue to be there for her and concentrate on positive progress. it okay to grieve, but she's bordering on stalking and she's needs to move on! sorry if that sounds harsh.