to think that women who have been dumped for someone else are particularly susceptible to moaning more than anyone else whose relationship has ended?

[GinggerCatty]

Have spent 2 hours this afternoon in the company of my friend, listening to yet another aminamted out-pouring of bile about her soon to be ex DH and the "evil OW", who she now appears to be cyber-stalking. I was once sympathetic to the my friend, whose (apparently) happy marriage was wrecked by the living incarnation of Cruella De Ville, but after 18 months of her incessant whining, the only thing I feel is mind-numblingly bored.

I think I am a sympathetic person. It's just that as when I think about it, I know many women whose relationships have ended in very unhappy circumstances. Bereavements, horribly tragic young widows, friends who left violent men, or ones who drank too much, or gambled every penny, or marriages that just fell apart when spouses grew up ... but, IME, there does seem to be something about the experience of being left for another woman that generates more self-righteous fury than any other end, however tragic.

She wants to meet for coffee again tomorrow. I want to shout ONLY IF YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER FIRST

Ok, I know I am being unreasonable, but am a being very unreasonable?

MrsWillis I'm really sorry to hear that. A few months isn't long. I hope things get easier for you very soon.

Thank you GinggerCatty

I have DS(2) and DD(1) to keep me going

The best thing your friend can do though is block and remove any way of stalking the OW on the internet. It won't be helping her at all.

I think you can say "OK love, enough. talking about XXXX for this many hours is not healthy" , give her a ration then urge her to talk/think about something else, if you are good enough mates you can say "I love you, but its been 18 months. you need to try and move on.

Its hard to be a good friend sometimes....

I have been the only friend who stuck around and it's been 4 years now. He left her for a work colleague after a 6 year affair which she sort of knew about. But it still hit her for 6 when he left. The others didn't want to get involved when the word depression was mentioned, just a non committal 'ring if you need anything'.
And to be perfectly honest I've thought a few times that she should pull herself together and try to move on a bit.

Obviously YABU, however...

There does seem to be a double standard at play where there are children involved. On here, the mantra is that anybody who leaves their spouse for another person is not only hurting their spouse but breaking their children's hearts and to an extent, ruining their lives.

However, where people have had family splits due to relationship breakdown, alcoholism, illness, DV, bereavement or whatever life has thrown at them, they will be universally assured on here that their kids will be absolutely fine and that having their parents living apart is far better for them than their parents being unhappy together.

I agree that kids mostly do fine when their parents split up - my parents divorced when I was 10. What I don't understand is how the heartbreak for children is supposed to be so much harder when there's an OW involved.

My honest belief is that this is a projection of adult feelings of being threatened and betrayed, rather than what comes directly from children.

GC, your friend cannot get over it because for her, unlike being widowed etc, there is no closure.

But she must move on for her own sake. And yours.

Try to find some nice men to introduce her to. Even if it does not work out, she will hopefully direct her bile onto them and at least give you a change of scene.

You have no idea what you are talking about OP.

18 months is no time at all.

You cannot begin to imagine the torment and pain of DH walking out on marriage and kids unless it's happened to you.........and it clearly hasn't.

DH dying would have been 1000 times better than the hurt he has chosen to inflict on us.

I'm feeling SO angry by what you've said.

Thank your lucky stars it hasn't happened to you.

I'm too angry and upset to say anymore even though in my head I'm raging. Maybe I'll come back tomorow and really tell you what it's like.

God I'm so cross I don't know where to put myself.

after 18 months she should have other topics of conversation. I had a similar friend, and although she doesn't live locally anymore, when we do meet up she stills goes on about her Ex , and that was 10 years ago, for gods sake let it go !!!! I was sympathitic at the time, i also have an ex but I was mindful at the time to not bore people with my problems over and over again

Wasn't there a thread on here where somebody insensitively posed that widows had it easier than betrayed single parents? I didn't read it but have seen it referred to, and know that people's feelings were horribly hurt. Yet now people are saying- sort of- that being widowed is easier to get over. No. I don't beieve that.

It is easier to get stuck in a place of anger though, I guess, if you've been betrayed. It's not healthy though. I get irrationally annoyed even on here with some posters who bang on about it a LONG time after the event, because it just isn't useful. Grieve, by all means, when you've been dumped by a faithless twat, but fgs, do yourself a favour and move on eventually. It doesn't mean that no man is to be trusted, or that life will never be good again. In the OP's position, I would try not to show it, but tbh, I would probably share her frustration.

Dear pinksmarties.

May I suggest you go and have a nice cup of tea, love.

BitofFun is very sensible.

GinggerCatty - I think you're going to have to gently distance yourself too. I would say you could try suggesting to her that you've reached a point where you want to hear a little less, but I don't think she'll thank you for it.

pinksmarties are you sure you havent been eating the blue ones?

"BitofFun is very sensible."

Can I quote you on that sometime? It may come in handy

definitely.

i think you sound like a great friend actually, to put up with moaning for 18 months and recognise that its time for her to pull her act together a bit.

my friends husband left her for another woman, she cried and we were there, she ranted and we were there, it got to 8 months, and i told her it was time to move on. we took her out and she met her wonderful DP that same night, and thanked us for pulling her out of the endless cycle of self pity.

i hope your friend does feel more positive soon, it does get better!

i am there for my friends to cry on, i am there or them to rant and scream and be totally and utterly unreasonable, im happy to be there! and im also there to tell them its time to get their OWN life back on track. sometimes you get so wrapped up in misery you cant see the way forward thats staring you in the face.

cant believe pink smarties thinks being widowed is better
id rather my husband leave me for another woman any day of the bloody week.

18 months is a long time, I had a frind like yours. I did care about her a lot, but my eyes started to glaze over at the mention of her ex. Because then I'd know I was in for a few hours of listening to her bitch, which wasn't even helping her.

That's the most frustrating thing, 18 months down the line you've been a shoulder to cry on, you've given advice, helped in whatever way you can, by 18 months though you are wiped out. And it is hugely frustrating to still be listening to the same things over and over, knowing that nothing you say or do will make a differnce.

I can totally understand not wanting to meet her for coffee if you know it's going to be more talking about her ex.

After 18 months of moaning this woman needs either professional therapy (ie paying someone to listen to her whining and ranting) or a good kick up the twinkle. Yes it hurts to be dumped, wah wah waaah etc, but it happens, and not getting over it only hurts you yourself. And if someone is still whining and incapable of talking about anything else after more than a year then it becomes easy to see why his/her partner dumped him/her - for being a self-obsessed, self-pitying PITA.

I think having another woman involved does bring extra emotions such as jealousy, humiliation, betrayal,insecurity, rage, despair, on top of the heartbreak, and loss of the love and family being broken up.
It is much harder to find closure.
Everyone has to find closure in their own time. Maybe you can suggest or even book and go with her, to a councilling session or a support group for singles in your area, if it bothers you that much.

OP yanbu- 18 months is a long time - especially if she doesn't have DC's. She is not doing herself any favours dwelling on this- nd if she has DC's she's probably making it harder for them too.

To say your husband leaving you for another woman is worse than being widdowed is wrong and insulting to other posters whose partners have died. If you feel that way you need to get professional help.

There's some nasty comments here for the OP. I agree with her about her friend, she needs to find a different focus to enable her to get on with the rest of her life. How is it helpful to remain so stuck? I would want a real friend to call time on me. Yes, tactfully and gently, but still have the kindness to try.

It's extremely rude to talk about yourself the entire time, even if that is to whinge. I think some people get so into the victim role, it's very hard for them to pull themselves out of. I think you should tell her to move on - she may stop talking to you for a while but you will have done her a favour.

And pinksmarties - have a