to think that women who have been dumped for someone else are particularly susceptible to moaning more than anyone else whose relationship has ended?

[GinggerCatty]

Have spent 2 hours this afternoon in the company of my friend, listening to yet another aminamted out-pouring of bile about her soon to be ex DH and the "evil OW", who she now appears to be cyber-stalking. I was once sympathetic to the my friend, whose (apparently) happy marriage was wrecked by the living incarnation of Cruella De Ville, but after 18 months of her incessant whining, the only thing I feel is mind-numblingly bored.

I think I am a sympathetic person. It's just that as when I think about it, I know many women whose relationships have ended in very unhappy circumstances. Bereavements, horribly tragic young widows, friends who left violent men, or ones who drank too much, or gambled every penny, or marriages that just fell apart when spouses grew up ... but, IME, there does seem to be something about the experience of being left for another woman that generates more self-righteous fury than any other end, however tragic.

She wants to meet for coffee again tomorrow. I want to shout ONLY IF YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER FIRST

Ok, I know I am being unreasonable, but am a being very unreasonable?

OP, I think you've been treated unfairly by a lot of people on here. You are not being unreasonable. You've been a good friend for 18 months, but 18 months is a long time and even if it's still the top issue in your friend's mind, your friend needs to realise there is a world out there.

I once had a friend whose relationship ended (not even for an affair) and I encouraged her to talk about her feelings, thinking I was being helpful and a good friend. 6 months later, I was pulling my hair out from having to listen to her day in and day out. I can't believe you've put up with it for as long as you have.

Op- I bet you have been the other woman - that's why you are being a cow.
Lets hope that your husband isn't banging anyone behind your back.

I think that 18 months is a long time but the title of your thread implies taht all women who have been ditched should shut up. That's why you are getting so much flack- and quite rightly too.
I do hope your friend sorts it out. Sounds liek she needs a councellor.

I cannot believe the rudeness of some people on here! Just because you sit behind a screen some of you feel you have the right to throw insults around.

And here is me thinking that Mumsnet had some rather inspirational, level-headed women on it.

It seems that unless you bring forward a view that everyone agrees with then you can expect aggressive insulting responses.

"Op- I bet you have been the other woman - that's why you are being a cow.
Lets hope that your husband isn't banging anyone behind your back. "

Well that's lovely..

Yes, that was certainly uncalled for.

Let's not forget that sometimes people get dumped because they are unbearable anyway, whiners, lazyarses, pathologically jealous before they were given any reason to be, boring or bad in bed. I don't get this idea that being dunmped confers sainthood.

Hallelujah!

Well, I am not the OW - though I have been left for someone else, albeit a non-serious bf at uni.

Did go for coffee today. She produced some house for sale details. I was so pleased. I thought she was looking at places to move onto. We talked over the house in detail - including the dubious decor.

To cut a long story short - it is the OW's house for sale. She wants me to go alone to a viewing to "interview"/interrogate her.

I told my friend:
enough is enough;
I love her, and will always be around to discuss eastenders, basket weaving, school placement policy etc., but don't want to hear about ex anymore'
she needs help/ counseling. I offered to loan her the money (no interest, no strings, pay back when you can type loan) to have counselling.

She asked me to leave, and now won't answer my calls.

I feel like a total cow. I hope she is ok.

Please don't flame me, as I couldn't feel any worse than I do.

She is stalking that woman and needs serious help.

Dear god! I do not blame you at all, that's insane!

Hopefully she'll calm down and understand why you said it, give her time.

Perhaps she will see that by you telling her "no" and that she needs some help that she should be questioning whether she needs professional counselling to help her heal.

I feel worried she might "do" something

There's not much you can do if she wont ask for your help unfortunately.

I think you need to follow up your chat today...Can you go round to her in the week to see how she is feeling?

yes, if she will see me

Perhaps you might want to try to continue to support your friend, if you are her friend, it sounds as if she needs help. When my ex left, just when things were really tough, it was amazing how many 'friends' just melted away as I was no longer part of a couple, so off their social scene. Two years on I now know who my true friends are. Your friend sounds as if she is stuck emotionally and needs professional help. I did get myself a consellor so I could avoid boring the crap out of my friends in the first couple of months and without that support Im sure I too would have found it difficult to get closure and to heal. It is a difficult one, just when she needs your help most you feel she deserves it least.

Sending lots of love your way. She'll be ok, it's good she has you, she needs to step back and stop making herself worse.

elastamum I don't think the OP was ever talking about ending her friendship more about how to help her friend move on.

Oh ginger, that's not great... you have done the right thing though, she is clearly getting way too over involved in all this. here's hoping she will calm down and see sense?

Is there any family of hers you can call to look in on her?

YABU.
I know several people whose DH left them and the kids for OW and have all the time in the world, and sympathy, for them. Must be horrendous and I see the suffering they have been through. Yes, there are worse things that happen in the world but it is a major shock/betrayel and a shattering of hopes and dreams and, often, major changes in ways such as financial, it's massive upheavel and 18 months is not that long to come to terms with it.

Flipping heck. My DH left me 2 weeks ago for another woman. Hope I'm not still angry about it in 18 months time

I'm finding friends are being supportive, tried to tell my family, but they kind of don't want to talk about it. Very hard to be dumped.Friends who you thought weren't good friends become amazing and visa versa.

You've done a good job so far and my heart goes out to you both.

Does she work? We have a counsellor at our work and my boss says I should talk with her, so am making an appointment tomorrow.

SK

OP, I think you've done the right thing. Your friends behaviour is completely unacceptable and she will not hear any other view, so she is being entirely unreasonable. I think you could write her a nice card or something to keep the door open, let other friends or family know of your concerns, but the line you have drawn is the right one.

I am not sure what is motivating others to write such nastiness and to want you to continue to deny that your friend has significant problems, perhaps they had a similar experience-but I think you would be best to ignore them.

Spiritualknow - I hope things improve for you over time.

18 months, OP said 18 months.