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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be peed off with my DH for not wanting my parents to stay

125 replies

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 20:43

My mum looks after my children 2 days a week while I'm working. My parents live 2 hrs away so she drives down late one night and stays 2 nights. She is fab with the kids, really brilliant and puts heart and soul into it for us.

My dad is about to retire and he too is great - DD in particular loves him. He has just had some time off and came down to help mum this week. My DH said this morning how he will not be able to tolerate both my parents staying on a regular basis and how just my mum is enough. They all get along fine, no arguments, it is just that he does not want them there 2 nights a week, and he thinks it will be bad for "us" (even though one night they arrive very late and the other we go out, courtesy of free babysitting ).

By the way we are lucky and have plenty of space and they have their own guestroom and bathroom so we are not all on top of one another.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he is being pretty mean? If I am being unreasonable, how on earth can I tell my folks without it causing really bad feeling?

OP posts:

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 07/04/2010 20:46

No, he is being horrible. Your mum is helping you out!

I think you should say to him that if he feels that way, then your mum should stop helping you out and you'll pay a childminder.

See what he says to that.

I think it is just plain rude of him when he is all too happy to take the bloody help.

TheCrackFox · 07/04/2010 20:48

He is being mean. What an ungrateful arse.

oldraver · 07/04/2010 20:50

Present him with a bill for two days childminding and remind him there will be no more cosy night out. I'm sure he will soon change his mind

shinyblackgrape · 07/04/2010 20:50

Yes, yes, agree with the other posters.

Tell him that he can tell your parents they can't stay and his precise reasons for that.

rookiemater · 07/04/2010 20:51

In some ways I can see your DH's point. My mum kindly looks after DS about once a fortnight and generally Dad comes as well and they stay for 2 nights, DH and I generally go out for one of those nights.

To be honest I do sometimes find it slightly stiffling despite the fact they are lovely with DS and Mum makes dinner etc. Mum makes a great effort to fit in around us but when its both of them it does feel slightly awkward and hard to relax in our own home, due to silly niggly things like them locking the door and keeping the key in so we have to ring the doorbell and Dad watching all the TV programmes he wants to watch, ridiculous to get worked up about them at all, but if it was every week I can see how it would be irksome.

So I don't necessarily think your DH is unreasonable to feel this way, but as your DCs have a great relationship with them and you are reliant on them for childcare, then difficult to see how you can change the situation. Maybe you could drive them down to theirs sometimes rather than them coming up ?

MrsVidic · 07/04/2010 20:53

Do they really get on?
How close is their room to yours?
Is he on his best behaviour when they are there- ie does extra cleaning etc as he is worried about how the house looks?
Is he thinking you'll hear them having sex? OR they'll hear you?

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 20:53

What does he want them to do...a 2 hour drive there and back each evening ??

Perhaps you should take your parents out of the equation and put your children in daycare ?

He is ungrateful and selfish, I hope your parents don't get wind of his attitude

compo · 07/04/2010 20:54

Well it does sound ideal

but I wouldn't want my inlaws staying two nights a week tbh

just cos you feel comfy with them two nights a week doesn't mean dh does, i don't feel about my inlaws like I do my own parents

EndangeredSpecies · 07/04/2010 20:54

he's being totally U. Agree with shinybg, he'll soon change his tune because he won't be able to think of a good reason.

wolfnipplechips · 07/04/2010 20:54

Ooh tough one, I love my mil and she childminds us one day a week but i'm not sure i'd want her here 2/7 a week nevermind my fil as well.

I think i'm with your dh on this, if its a case of putting your relationship at risk i'd say get a childminder and visit your DM with kids on your days off every second week or so to give her time with the kids.

TottWriter · 07/04/2010 20:55

If your DH is fine with the assistance, then he's being unreasonable. After all, it's a bit unfair to expect your mum to spend one night a week away from her husband on a regular basis.

On the other hand, I don't know that I could handle having a houseguest every week with no long breaks in between. And one person 'invading' your house is nothing like as bad as two. It's okay for you, as they're your parents and you grew up with them, but your DH has only ever known them as fellow adults and will probably never be as relaxed with them around, whether they have their own bathroom or not. After all, they're still around the house, and as much as I get on with my PIL I'm not that comfortable with wandering around in my dressing gown of an evening while they're here, which is what I do normally. And I get along with my PIL just fine.

This is clearly something which is going to put a strain on your relationship in the long-term. You need to think about it seriously. Your DH has every right not to want guests in the house all the time - though given that they are providing a really good service you might want to get him to suggest an alternative before he complains too much more.

The fact is, it's his house too, and he does have a right not to feel 100% comfortable with your parents, whether they get along or not.

SloanyPony · 07/04/2010 20:57

He's not unreasonable for not wanting them to stay 2 nights. It sounds like its them as a couple he's having trouble with.

The question is, is he expecting them to go to even more trouble like drive back or something, or is he saying he doesn't want the arragement at all?

Because he's getting some free childcare. There's no such thing as a free lunch. If he's (or you as a couple) are willing to pay a childminder, fine, but if he's thinking he can put a stop to the staying over but still utilise their services, he IBU.

As for whether you are - no, you are not unreasonble to be miffed with him, but I can see it a bit from his point of view.

nulgirl · 07/04/2010 20:58

I don't think he's being unreasonable. I would not be able to stand my in-laws staying with us for two nights every weeks. It would absolutely kill me. I would rather pay for a childminder than enter into that kind of agreement. Have you ever considered alternative childcare arrangements?

Bramshott · 07/04/2010 21:02

He is not being unreasonable, as long as he understands that if they don't stay, they won't be able to help with childcare, and you'll have to pay someone.

I couldn't have my parents, let alone my in-laws, staying 2 nights every week.

Original poster

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 21:04

Thanks - good mix of opinions, nice and candid, all really helpful.

I haven't considered alternative childcare. One will be at school in Sept, the other starting nursery in the mornings, so it will have to be a nanny with all that running about. I already have a nanny one day a week. She's good, but my kids adore their grandparents and they have always been a big part of their lives. So it would be a wrench on both sides. I think I would rather deal with my dad not coming down every week rather than cancelling arrangement altogether.

OP posts:

Igglybuff · 07/04/2010 21:06

I reckon if someone said their MIL was going to be staying so often and they weren't happy, there'd be a chorus of YANBU. I think your DH has a fair point and you should respect his wishes

cocolepew · 07/04/2010 21:07

If you do change the arrangments get DH to tell them.

paisleyleaf · 07/04/2010 21:10

2 nights a week of inlaws, every week, is quite a lot to ask even the the most accommodating of people.

ConnorTraceptive · 07/04/2010 21:12

TBH I thinks it has to be all or nothing. Imagine how hurt your Dad will feel if you say he isn't welcome to come down too.

I don't think your dh is being entirely unreasonable aslong as he's happy to have alternative child care

shinyblackgrape · 07/04/2010 21:14

Agree with connor and I do most honestly think that DP and you together at the very least must discuss this with them.

thesecondcoming · 07/04/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 21:26

Thanks - I can see why you might think that but knowing my parents, and how devoted my mum is to the kids, it would break her heart to tell her I am ending the arrangement so as not to offend my dad and will end up upsetting them both more than being totally honest. I will have to broach it, and tell the truth.
It's not that DH doesn't get along with my dad, it's just that two people are double the number. Mum tries hard to keep out of DH's way whereas Dad tries to be sociable. DH just doesn't want it on a school night.
Thanks for honesty. I think the YABUs are winning

OP posts:

Shitemum · 07/04/2010 21:29

How about they come down once a fortnight and the week in-between you use a childminder/nanny?
You can tell your parents you feel it isn't fair on them to come every week...

shinyblackgrape · 07/04/2010 21:31

Oh vanity, I want to cry for you (not very helpful I know).

Your parents sound just like mine: they would do anything to help their family out and your dad is just trying to be friendly.

Cold your DH try and think about what is best for DD in all of this. Surely keeping the arrangement as is? Separately, I quite often have to tell my dad to shut up when he is chuntering at us all and my mum is good at telling him that too! Could a word in his ear work and a trial period so that DH could see what it is like. It might not be as bad as he thinks!

hormonalmum · 07/04/2010 21:39

Your arrangement sounds fine for you, and am rather jealous you get a night out every week with your dh!

However, I could not tolerate house guests 2 nights, EVERY week no matter who they were.

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