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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peed off with my DH for not wanting my parents to stay

125 replies

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 20:43

My mum looks after my children 2 days a week while I'm working. My parents live 2 hrs away so she drives down late one night and stays 2 nights. She is fab with the kids, really brilliant and puts heart and soul into it for us.

My dad is about to retire and he too is great - DD in particular loves him. He has just had some time off and came down to help mum this week. My DH said this morning how he will not be able to tolerate both my parents staying on a regular basis and how just my mum is enough. They all get along fine, no arguments, it is just that he does not want them there 2 nights a week, and he thinks it will be bad for "us" (even though one night they arrive very late and the other we go out, courtesy of free babysitting ).

By the way we are lucky and have plenty of space and they have their own guestroom and bathroom so we are not all on top of one another.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he is being pretty mean? If I am being unreasonable, how on earth can I tell my folks without it causing really bad feeling?

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2010 22:48

But your arrangements do interfere with their retirement plans if your dad is planning on accompanying your mum?

Have you actually asked them whether that is the plan BTW? Because it doesn;t say that in your OP.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 22:52

boobz, reread the OP

it appears he has "tolerated" just MIL coming by accepting the free childcare but "she stays out of his way"

but it seems he is objecting to FIL coming too, so he is BU

or did I understand it wrong ?

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 22:54

vp, thanks for taking my question well, I am sure you didn't want this thread turning into a total DH-bashing !

bibbitybobbityhat · 07/04/2010 22:55

I think having either set of parents to stay for two nights every week is a big ask and your dh is nbu to express his opinion against it.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 22:57

to be completely honest, I think this is why informal arrangements for childcare done by family very rarely work out well....

violethill · 07/04/2010 23:01

I agree with AnyFucker. No way would I want anyone staying in my home two days a week. I can see your Dh's point.

Organise proper childcare which leaves your home just for your family and doesn't require your poor parents to have to drive over and stay overnight every week.

Boobz · 07/04/2010 23:04

Reading between the lines AF, it appears the DH has "tolerated" the arrangement thus far as it is clearly very important to the OP that it's her mum rather than someone else who looks after the kids in this way... I imagine it's not what he wants or enjoys but that because he loves his DW and wants to make her happy, and understands that his DD has a great relationship with her GM, he has made the arrangement work. Now that the number of guests is doubling, it appears that he isn't willing to just sit back and let this happen and is offering an alternative arrangement of paying someone else to come in who won't be staying the night.

Yes free child care is great, yes a grandchild's relationship with their GPs is important, but to the detriment to your personal relationship with your other half? We all make sacrifices when we have kids, but this, IMO, is asking the DH for too much. When they got married, I don't imagine he foresaw having his mum's parents come to live with them 2 days and nights a week indefinitely.... if I thought that was the deal (free child care / staying out of my way or not) I would not be happy...

Original poster
vanitypear · 07/04/2010 23:05

violethill, you are missing the point. As I have said below, my mum wants to do this. She is devoted to the kids and they to her. If I said to her I was cancelling the arrangement on account of her travelling, she'd be pretty cheesed off.
I am trying to think of what's best for the kids in this. I am quite happy to accept that IABU in asking my DH to have his ILs to stay every week, but I am not unreasonable to have my mum drive to care for the kids every week when she wants to do it and they adore her.

OP posts:
Original poster
vanitypear · 07/04/2010 23:06

Well put Boobz, I think the message is getting through

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 23:07

you are in the middle here, vp

not a comfortable place to be

violethill · 07/04/2010 23:09

You sum it up very well boobz.

I'd also add that children's relationship with their grandparents is important, and it's lovely if it's close, but that's a separate issue. The relationship shouldn't be dependent on the GPs doing favours - it should be a relationship in its own right, without strings attached. I totally agree that the DH has probably put up with this arrangement for a long time because it seems convenient. It doesn't mean it's the only way of doing things, or the best way.

Also, with the grandfather retiring, this may well be the time that the GPs want to get their life back, and not be committed to a 4 hour round trip to provide childcare each week. Maybe they'll want their own space to go off and travel, or start a new hobby. It seems like a good time to change the routine.

paisleyleaf · 07/04/2010 23:10

"When they got married, I don't imagine he foresaw having his mum's parents come to live with them 2 days and nights a week indefinitely"
wasn't it Shrek that said "that's small print for you"?

Boobz · 07/04/2010 23:14

er, that should have been wife's parents, obv. Having your mum's parents (or your GPs in layman's terms) coming to stay with you every week would just be even more weird, frankly.

Original poster
vanitypear · 07/04/2010 23:25

There aren't strings attached, my mum loves looking after them. Family is paramount for them and my parents are not likely to take up a hobby and decide they aren't keen on seeing their grandchildren quite so much any more as their hobby demands they are elsewhere.
If they do, good for them, but I can't see it.
This has been very enlightening just how lucky I am and how unusual my parents are. I just hope I find my way out of the middle...
I am not sure whether my dad will want to come all the time- maybe not. I have even encouraged him to come a bit while he's had time off recently - shows what a numpty I am
This thread has been really useful, thanks to you all.

OP posts:
Boobz · 07/04/2010 23:30

Night VP - hope you figure things out and that you and your DH don't fall out about it.

paisleyleaf · 07/04/2010 23:33

Boobz, I hadn't even noticed your mum/wife mistake, must've read it too quick myself.

rockinhippy · 08/04/2010 00:07

I can see both sides, you are very lucky to have family so willing to help, many don't, so thats a real blessing for you & your DCs

BUT, I have a MIL, who very occasionally will baby sit, but has to stay over, &as much as I love her to bits, she just doesn't respect personal space in the way my own family do, for example, she thinks nothing of letting herself into our bedroom at the first sound she hears,,,shes an early riser, so can even be 6 am & plonks herself on the bottom of our bed & starts chatting, or walking into the bathroom & sitting on the edge of the bath for a chat whilst I'm getting washed......it drives me NUTS, along with a lot of other silly little things she does, like wet spoons in the sugar, lighting up a cigaratte to smoke outside, in the house & then walking through the house with it , shouting at anything we put on TV because SHE hates TV etc etc, so much so that I'd rather not bother with her babysitting at all,

DH sees no wrong in this, as its what he's grown up with, & he thinks its sweet, & its because she sees me as a DD too, but to me its just infuriating...yet I do see that its because she likes me & feels comfortable with me........but i was just brought up differently & personal space was something to be respected.

So I wonder, as your DH has spoken up about them both staying, is really to do with your Dad not respecting DHs personal space & needing to chill & not have to put on a polite face & chat to your Dad after a day at work etc...........IF you can get your Dad to understand this & a TV in their own bedroom etc, then perhaps you can work it out??

Sadly my MIL, just didn't register DH telling her to stay out of our bedroom etc, well lasted about twice, so we've pretty much given up, which sadly I know upsets her, but she is very stuck in her ways, & won't budge

good luck

2rebecca · 08/04/2010 00:21

I think it's more important not to upset your husband than it is not to upset your mum. I'm really glad my parents and inlaws had hobbies and didn't want to put my kids at the centre of their world. I'd have found that very restricting. I want my kids to be in their world but I don't want to be emotionally manipulated by relatives complaining they have nothing in their lives because they aren't constantly relly visiting.
I like being antisocial when I come home from work and would have to have someone else's (or my own) relative in the house. This sounds pretty awful from your husband's point of view.

FleurDelacour · 08/04/2010 04:08

I feel for DH. A MIL who helps out and then goes to bed early is one thing, though even this can be wearing. Having both PIL there all evening so you can't totally relax (ie just sit and say nothing, lie on sofa, watch rubbish on tv, drink too much, gossip) after a long day is exhausting.

When we have visitors staying when I am at work I find I sneak off for long baths to avoid them. I don't even have the energy left for conversation half the time. I don't feel it is my own house.

YABU.

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/04/2010 07:18

My,my how ignorant are both of you.

Op - your DH is been very unreasonable.

traceybath · 08/04/2010 07:29

This is a tricksy one.

Any chance your Dad may decide not to come all the time?

To be honest I can see your DH's perspective apart from the fact that:

  • you have a big house
  • hey have a guest room/bathroom
  • they arrive late one night
  • they babysit the next night

So how much contact does your DH actually have with them when they're around?

I would talk to DH again - its not going to be forever is it?

rockinhippy · 08/04/2010 07:33

"By thesunshinesbrightly Thu 08-Apr-10 07:18:24
My,my how ignorant are both of you.

Op - your DH is been very unreasonable. "

Not really, different horses, for different courses as they say.

you show your own ignorance FAR more, by being so judgmental & insulting to anyone with a different view point to your own

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/04/2010 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 08/04/2010 07:46

I would separate the two things and keep seeing your parents regularly for the family relationship, but get a nanny if you can afford it. A regular two nights a week is too much. I also feel sorry for your Dad if he is told that your mother is needed for the practical childcare but he is superfluous.
It sounds to me as if OP wants her own mother looking after the baby while she works (I would too, rather than a stranger)and DH has put up with it. Now seems the time to change.

Earthstar · 08/04/2010 07:47

It seems pretty mean to both your parents to tell them thar your dad isn't wanted... After all your mum has done for you. Relationships are give and take and this is in danger of moving into a massive "take" by you and dh IMO.

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