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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be peed off with my DH for not wanting my parents to stay

125 replies

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 20:43

My mum looks after my children 2 days a week while I'm working. My parents live 2 hrs away so she drives down late one night and stays 2 nights. She is fab with the kids, really brilliant and puts heart and soul into it for us.

My dad is about to retire and he too is great - DD in particular loves him. He has just had some time off and came down to help mum this week. My DH said this morning how he will not be able to tolerate both my parents staying on a regular basis and how just my mum is enough. They all get along fine, no arguments, it is just that he does not want them there 2 nights a week, and he thinks it will be bad for "us" (even though one night they arrive very late and the other we go out, courtesy of free babysitting ).

By the way we are lucky and have plenty of space and they have their own guestroom and bathroom so we are not all on top of one another.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he is being pretty mean? If I am being unreasonable, how on earth can I tell my folks without it causing really bad feeling?

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 08/04/2010 07:54

Imagine how your mum would feel if you told her that only your dad was wanted! Men do get a hard time of it-they are just supposed to be unfeeling!

littleducks · 08/04/2010 07:58

I'm not sure about how the costs would work, as it dedpends on where you live but how about renting a flat/(nice) bedsit for your mum and dad to stay at those two nights?

Could give you all a little bit of space?

What are your parents retirement plans, do you think they might move in the near future?

cory · 08/04/2010 08:07

I have an absolutely lovely MIL whose company I really enjoy. But the truth is that I can't totally totally relax in her company, the way I can when I'm alone. I do subconsciously treat her like a visitor, it's not the whole warts and all relationship that I have with dh and the children. Dh can relax with his mum and I can relax with mine, but our ILs, much as we love them, do somehow seem to call for more visitor treatment.

So I do see the dh's pov.

The OP seems to feel that the only thing that matters is the ideal solution for the children. But there are several people in this family, and as the children grow up their needs can't always be paramount: family life is about balancing everybody's needs.

piscesmoon · 08/04/2010 08:17

Only do it if you would be equally happy to have the other grandparents part time every week.

rimmer08 · 08/04/2010 08:30

would you want his parents staying over twice a week? i know i wouldnt!

rockinhippy · 08/04/2010 08:41

"By thesunshinesbrightly Thu 08-Apr-10 07:39:14
rockinghippy - bless you for trying to be a smart one. Practice make's perfect, my dear. "

Oh Dear. ..Troll alert...

lol

violethill · 08/04/2010 09:00

And it's either a dim one who can't use apostrophes correctly or a bored kid on school holidays!!

rockinhippy · 08/04/2010 09:09

Thinking on this I do think this is about finding a balance acceptable to all, theres no right or wrong

Your Mum has been doing you BOTH a huge favour, & its worked well because she is very respectful of yours & DHs personal space, & I suspect, like a lot of Men, your DH fels less threatened by her.....you know, Men & their Stag mentality, home is my Castle & all that, & then bringing another Man into the equation, no matter how silly that might sound to you, as he is your Dad, possibly makes your DH even less likely to be able to relax in his own space, especially if your Dad is more likely to feel its polite to try & interact more with DH.

That said, things are changing, & its more than understandable, if your Dad is retiring, that rather than spend 2 nights on his own, he comes with his wife to visit you all........I'd lay bets he's probably not too happy about it either, for similar reasons to your DH...........they are YOUR family, not DHs, so you need to look at how you would feel if it were HIS family staying 2 nights per week, would you be able to relax in the same way??, I'd be surprised, as few of us can?

I would suggest speaking with your Mum about it, I suspect if you put it to her from a neutral point of veiw, rather than your p'd of with him being so unreasonable.....she will be more understanding of DHs point of veiw than you think, & perhaps between the 2 of you, you can work something out that will work better for you all, with the new changed circumstance that now includes your Dad, without it causing a big family rift.

Good luck

bronze · 08/04/2010 09:23

As someone said before how much time does he actually spend at home with them around

They arrive late one night. They babysit while you go out the next and they leave the following day

sayithowitis · 08/04/2010 09:28

I don't think your DH is neing at all unreasonable actually. As others have already said, it can be a real strain knowing that you can't completely 'chill' when you get home from a day at work because you have house guests. Whether that means watching trash tv, having a drink or two too many, having a grope on the settee or whatever. You only have to read the numerous threads on here where posters don't want to accompany their DH/DPs and DCs to visit ILs and are told they are perfectly reasonable to send them off on their own so they can have 'me time'. And often these are preceded by ' I don't have a problem with my ILs, but they are just not my type of people' or words to that effect. Your DH is in the situation where he can't allow you to go off on your own because they are coming to his home and unless he moves out for two nights each week, he has to put up with it.

I also agree with those who ask whether you could be truly comfortable in your home if it was your MIL and not your Mum who was staying over two nights a week. Actually, I couldn't stand to have my own Mum here that often, as much as I love her, let alone my MIL!

It is a difficult situation, and as others have said, you are very lucky to have parents who are so actively involved in their GCs lives. But I do think you have to consider your DH's view in this as it is clearly a problem for him.

violethill · 08/04/2010 09:53

That's a very good point sayithowitis.

I reckon if this were the other way round and it was the DH wanting his parents over two nights a week, there would be an absolutely universal response - 'unreasonable'. Why should it be any different just because it's the wife's parents?

I would imagine the DH here has put up with it without complaining because it all seemed like a convenient plan and he didn't want to rock the boat. This is now just a step too far. I also think it would be very odd, and rude, to try to engineer things so that only the grandmother comes, and grandad stays at home. It's their retirement, their time together!

Bonsoir · 08/04/2010 09:56

Your DH is being ridiculous - your parents are putting themselves out very considerably to provide free childcare and babysitting for you. Your DH should be extremely grateful and realise that he cannot dictate the minutiae of the terms and conditions on which this free service is supplied.

sayithowitis · 08/04/2010 10:06

But Bonsoir, how many times have we read on here cases where the MIL has been giving free childcare and the child's mother has an issue with something and we hear the shouts of ' MIl is BU', ' Your child your rules' etc etc. Or are you really saying that the mother's wishes should always trounce those of the father? I still think that he is entitled to feel comfortable in his own home. It is not as though this is a once in a blue moon situation. if it were, I would be inclined to say that the OP should tell him to put up with it, but it is every week. IMO, that is too often to be feeling uncomfortable in your own home and having to accommodate a houseguest.

EndangeredSpecies · 08/04/2010 10:12

there are houses and houses. They have their own guest bathroom!! When my family comes to stay we all have to share the same bathroom and me and dh sleep in the children's room.

damnedchilblains · 08/04/2010 10:13

I agree with sayithowitis. I couldn't stand to have my mil over at my house 2 times a week even if I would only see her for a little of the time.

I think your dh is right in saying it could be bad for you two. I know if me and dh are in the middle of an argument (which could last a few days) the last thing we would need is to have another person (mine or his dm) in the house. It would just add to the tension and could possibly make any minor issue explode. He may also think that it would be the both of you against him. A little irrational but at least he's being honest about it now rather than blowing up in a couple of weeks time when it becomes all too much for him.

I think you should look for alternative childcare maybe as I also don't think it's ideal for you mother to be travelling back all that way, and definitely not fair for to come without df.

Bonsoir · 08/04/2010 10:20

The GPs are not "houseguests" in this scenario, they are visiting in order to work, for free, for the benefit of the OP's family.

It doesn't matter whose parents are providing the free childcare service - they deserve to be treated with respect. Or else the OP's family must pay for childcare from another source.

GeekOfTheWeek · 08/04/2010 10:29

I agree with sayithowitis.

Not many people would be happy to have houseguests for 2/7. I would rather pay for childcare.

YABU

Boobz · 08/04/2010 10:35

I get the feeling lots of posters who have come on this morning haven't read the whole thread...

megonthemoon · 08/04/2010 10:52

The problem here is that I don't think anyone is BU, but the needs of everyone don't agree!

I couldn't have my parents or ILs staying for 2 nights a week. I could probably cope with my mum, and even DH has said he doesn't mind her being here at all - she is just very easy and low key and just sort of naturally melds into the atmosphere, but my dad is a different kettle of fish even while being perfectly nice. He is just more of a presence and just subtly shifts the dynamics in the house IYSWIM so it doesn't quite feel like our little haven any more. Maybe your DH feels the same about your dad. It is your home and your DH's, not your parents, and you both need to feel comfortable being there. if your DH isn't, then you really do need to rethink.

Perhaps you could consider keeping it going until the summer and then changing things when your DC starts school/nursery as that is sort of a natural shift in your childcare needs? The thing is childcare needs naturally change over time as the children grow up, your work changes etc. I don't think your parents can be expecting that this arrangement will last forever - it would be really daft of them to think that - so they must know that some day they won't be doing this, and hence be prepared to have that conversation with you at some point. Maybe Sept is a natural point to break it.

Just a small thought: it sounds a little like you are putting your parents ahead of your DH, and you need to remember that your responsibility is to your nuclear family first. So your natural leaning in this should be towards making your DH and DCs happy first, and if the only way to do that means upsetting your parents you need to be prepared that that is the way things go. But obviously you and DH need to work on a solution to minimise that upset too, and your DH needs to give a bit on this too. Perhaps you stop this arrangement but agree to make more visits to your parents then perhaps you already do. Or perhaps you have your parents stay for one night per week to do one day of childcare if that works for your DH.

Good luck - this is a toughie and I don't envy you.

megonthemoon · 08/04/2010 10:58

Completely agree that there is no way you can say yes to your mum but no to your dad though. All or nothing I think. I think your parents would be more upset about that than about not wanting them to do childcare any more - one is rejecting them as a couple / your dad as a person, the other is about changing childcare needs but still wanting to keep up a great relationship with them.

JaneS · 08/04/2010 11:21

Ok, I see your DH's point that he wouldn't feel comfortable, and your mum would be upset if she didn't get to see your kids.

Given you'd be willing to pay for a nanny if it'd help(ie., it's not the money), could you get your mum to do a shorter amount of time on the second night and pay for a long-distance taxi? I do not know so may be completely wrong, but I would have thought even a two-hour journey wouldn't be more than a nanny's wages?

That way your mum could get home to her husband and wouldn't have to drive when she's tired (which I'm assuming is why she's staying over). Would that work?

Not trying to suggest you bundle your unwilling mum into a taxi if she'll hate it, obviously, but it looks as if simply cutting back the amount of time she's there slightly could make it so that she doesn't need to stay overnight?

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/04/2010 11:34

Rockin- TROLL show's how wrong you are, i've been here for age's, please if you make such a statement make sure you get it right.

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/04/2010 11:36

By violethill Thu 08-Apr-10 09:00:19
And it's either a dim one who can't use apostrophes correctly or a bored kid on school holidays!!

Oh dear you are stupid!

violethill · 08/04/2010 12:18

What does age's mean?

Seeing as I'm obviously too stupid to know

2rebecca · 08/04/2010 12:21

I wouldn't waste time feeding it.

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