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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be peed off with my DH for not wanting my parents to stay

125 replies

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 20:43

My mum looks after my children 2 days a week while I'm working. My parents live 2 hrs away so she drives down late one night and stays 2 nights. She is fab with the kids, really brilliant and puts heart and soul into it for us.

My dad is about to retire and he too is great - DD in particular loves him. He has just had some time off and came down to help mum this week. My DH said this morning how he will not be able to tolerate both my parents staying on a regular basis and how just my mum is enough. They all get along fine, no arguments, it is just that he does not want them there 2 nights a week, and he thinks it will be bad for "us" (even though one night they arrive very late and the other we go out, courtesy of free babysitting ).

By the way we are lucky and have plenty of space and they have their own guestroom and bathroom so we are not all on top of one another.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he is being pretty mean? If I am being unreasonable, how on earth can I tell my folks without it causing really bad feeling?

OP posts:

rookiemater · 07/04/2010 21:39

Shitemums suggestion is very good, would it be a possibility for the nanny to do every other week ?

This would be a good compromise and you could broach it as wanting your parents to have enough time to enjoy their retirement without looking after the grandchildren stopping them from going away etc, etc. I think it would hurt your father dreadfully to explain that 4 adults is a crowd although I do understand where your DH is coming from as I much prefer it when my Mum comes on her own.

paisleyleaf · 07/04/2010 21:41

Yes, maybe do once a month, or every other week, rather than cancel them completely.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 21:55

there are not many nannies/childminders who would do an arrangement such as every other week

PassMeTheKleenex · 07/04/2010 22:00

When I went back to work after DS1, my mum stayed with us 4 nights a week, every week - for a year. At first, DH did have his reservations, and the first couple of weeks were a trial period for us all when we had to adjust some of our ideas...but in the end, we really had the best of both worlds.

It wasn't just the childcare & the babysitting - but the ability for me to really feel like I could get back to work without a constant low level fear about missing trains/getting to nursery late/having to take days off for illness etc. DH appreciated that the arrangement was about more than just the 'face value' childcare for me - as I was working in the City at the time, I would have had a much tougher transition back to work without that additional support.

So whilst I don't think he's being wholly U in not wanting guests every week (even though our arrangement was good, it wasn't 100% perfect, and we did have to make some compromises), does your DH appreciate the overall help that this kind of deal provides - not just childcare & babysitting, but total peace of mind that enables you & your family to function that bit easier? That is hard to quantify, and IMO, you only get that with family (or a nanny you have known for years)

When we had this arrangement with my mum, the good outweighed any negatives - and DH would agree too.
TBH, I don't know how we are going to fare when I go back to work after DS2...I suppose we will cope, but it won't be as easy as last time round, that's for sure.

So to answer your question, no YANBU.
I suspect your DH hasn't really considered all the other angles to this, so would suggest you discuss that before saying anything to your parents.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 07/04/2010 22:02

Can you really do that? say that your dad can't come but you still want your mum to come. That sounds like you're using her and might be quite upsetting.

Dad, you can't come with mum because it's too much. Mum you still come to look after the kids please.

Can you see how it might come across like that?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/04/2010 22:04

Your Mum tries to keep out of your DH's way? Are you serious?

So she is making a long drive, spending two nights a week away from her own home and her husband - and she feels that she needs to steer clear of her son-in-law for whom she is providing free childcare and babysitting?

I am practically speechless, and trust me that doesn't happen very often!

You need to speak to your parents asap. What if your Mum and Dad have really been looking forward to your Dad retiring so that he gets to come and spend time with his GDs too? And isn't away from his wife 2 nights a week?
And you would say 'sorry Dad, we don't want you to come - just Mum because she stays out of the way'. WTF?
You are fucking rude. Pay for your childcare and let your parents enjoy their retirement.

albertababy · 07/04/2010 22:05

Next to you and your DH GPs are the next best babysitters aren't they? And they do sound lovely.. but understand if its difficult to relax with other people around; not 100% sure I could do it tbh. Can you build an annexe?!

Original poster

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 22:06

I thought as much Anyfucker. Also to add to it, I would most likely have to change my one day nanny as she works 3.5 days for another family!
Thanks Kleenex, it is a different kind of arrangement I agree and the kids benefit so much - but if there are any childcare hiccups he can't/won't change his plans ever, it's always me (he is the primary breadwinner by a long chalk).

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 22:07

I think that you just calmly give him the choice, he either has your parents staying or they don't stay and you make alternate childcare arrangements. You can't possibly have one without the other-that is using them.

Firawla · 07/04/2010 22:09

I don't think your dh is being unreasonable, if it was inlaws would you feel the same? I wouldn't want pils staying 2 nights per week, I dont think many people would so you have to respect dh point of view too and come to some kind of comprimise. Talk to him and see what solution he suggests? Maybe them to come down but slightly less regularly, you would have to sort out something else for the childcare.. so see what he can suggest himself

ChasingSquirrels · 07/04/2010 22:11

my mum and dad did this when I went back to work after ds1 was born (they lived about 3 hrs drive away).

They came mid-evening Tue and left as soon as I got home form work on Thu teatime. We usually went out Wed evening taking advantage of the free babysitting.

tbh it did get a bit much, for all of us, and probably for my ex the most.
Mum and dad decided after 6 months that they were moving down near to us (and now live 15 mins away) but it took another 6 months before they moved and by the end of a year we were all glad that the arrangement was changing.

that said, there is no one in the world that i would rather care for my dc's than my mum, and they have a fantastic relationship due to the amount of time they spend together.

Original poster

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 22:15

Alibaba, my mum loves caring for the children. She would far rather do it than not, and my dad is pleased she can help. She is like their second mother and would be devastated to be told to go off and "enjoy her retirement" (she isn't retiring by the way).
It is not about money/free childcare - I would absolutely not see my parents out of pocket on account of helping me.
I am perfectly happy to be on the receiving end of candid opinions but I am not "fucking rude". I am extremely lucky to have her enjoying helping in this way. If I thought for a second she didn't want to do it, I would find alternative arrangements. It is because I know she loves doing it that I am so keen to find a way through.

OP posts:

Original poster

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 22:18

Fair enough Piscesmoon - it's not about money for him, he will say get a nanny - I just feel the kids will lose out. I feel they would lose out if they had more of me and less of my mum to be honest!
Chasing Squirrels, that would be best of both worlds but them moving closer would be prohibitively expensive (we are in London).

OP posts:

PassMeTheKleenex · 07/04/2010 22:22

That's what I mean, Vanity...he is not factoring in the grief YOU will have to deal with for all those hiccups. As I was/am almost always the one who deals with anything that goes wrong, I felt that I had the casting vote when it came to it with my mum. And DH agreed.
So I think if you have a conversation with him that says - OK, no parents, we'll do different childcare, we each have to deal with any problems, 50/50 - I think he may reconsider his position.
He has a right to an opinion...but if he is taking himself out of the childcare arrangments, then I think he has to make a bigger compromise around the PILs. He can't have all the benefits without the 'drawbacks' of having your parents stay.
(And BTW, we also paid my mum - even so, you have to take the rough with the smooth, as it were)
In reality, how much is he actually going to see them? We had a TV and Sky installed in Mum's room, so she pretty much kept out of the way and got to watch her godawful own choice of programmes without it impacting on us. Would that help?

2rebecca · 07/04/2010 22:22

I wouldn't want my inlaws here 2 days a week, let alone 1 or 2 nights a week and my husband not surprisingly feels the same about his inlaws. Having other folk staying with you can be stifling and mean you can't just chill out. I think your husband sounds completely reasonable, but your mum also sounds like a saint. Mind you if I could afford it I'd go with my husbnd over my parents and I'd expect him to do the same.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 07/04/2010 22:23

But your DH is treating her like a servant, with his not wanting to socialise. I just find that incredibly bizarre.

I think all you can do is put the situation to your parents and see what they say, but I know that my Dad would be heartbroken to be excluded in the way that you and your DH are talking about excluding your Dad.

fallon8 · 07/04/2010 22:23

your dad will soon get fed up with this arrangement and the 2 of them will find they have more time to do things THEY want to do and thus wont be able to fit you and your children in around thier new found freedom, make the most of it, these childcare arrangements arent going to last. No, Your husband isnt being difficult, its his home too,he probably wouldnt want his parents staying either,I certainly would not have,it seems to be your kids, your parents,and your poor old husband has to fit in round them,could be he suddenly takes to going out 2 nights,or staying late at work,I would think this thru'.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 22:23

just a thought, vp, and tell me to bog off if this isn't the case...

but does your DH get to call all the shots because he is "the primary breadwinner by a long chalk..." ???

he sounds like an arse, tbh, from the little you have said

Boobz · 07/04/2010 22:24

What has your DH said about the option of paying for child care? Is he willing to do this instead of having your mum for free?

If so, then he is not being unreasonable.

If my PIL came to stay (or even just one of them) every week for even 1 night, let alone 2, DH and I would be divorced, quick smart.

Boobz · 07/04/2010 22:28

I don't think he sounds like an arse at all. He doesn't want his PIL staying 2 nights a week and is prepared to pay for a nanny so he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable in his own home.

Sounds very reasonable to me.

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 22:30

If he is willing to pay for a nanny that seems the way to go. You can then just have your parents to stay in a sociable way when you both have time to spend with them. You could have regular slots when your DC stays overnight at their house.
I'm not sure that I would want my ILs staying every week and I get on really well with mine.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2010 22:34

if he is willing to pay for a nanny ???

what is that all about, then ?

TheFallenMadonna · 07/04/2010 22:37

Do you think it might cause problems between your parents, if your mum is welcome (and wants!) to spend two nights a week away from home to care for your children, and your dad is not welcome to join her? HArd to put your mum in a position where she has to decide I think.

Boobz · 07/04/2010 22:43

I don't think I understand you Anyfucker...?

What do mean what is that all about? If the DH is happy (better word?) to pay for child care (out of the joint funds of a dual-working income), then why is he unreasonable to suggest this arrangement rather than having 2 more people stay in the house for 2 nights a week, week in week out? If he wanted the service for free and yet expected the FIL not to come, then he would be unreasonable. But he's not expecting to get it for free - there are funds to pay for someone else to come in who then doesn't stay overnight for 2 nights a week...

I don't get what's so unreasonable?

Original poster

vanitypear · 07/04/2010 22:46

We (not he) would pay for the nanny, I guess, fair point. It's not a financial decision.
I just feel the kids are happiest with their GPs. Plus there is a bit of the total peace of mind that Kleenex talks about. It is only Dad retiring early that is bringing the situation into question. The 2 hour drive makes other arrangements (dropping them there, etc) difficult. Family is everything to them, so I can't see them suddenly finding our arrangement doesn't fit with their big retirement plans, but if that's the case good on them. I can't see it though.
Anyfucker, he is a bit of an alpha male, so you may have a point, but he is a good soul at heart...
In any case much more discussion and soul searching required!!

OP posts:

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