to be peed off with my DH for not wanting my parents to stay

[vanitypear]

My mum looks after my children 2 days a week while I'm working. My parents live 2 hrs away so she drives down late one night and stays 2 nights. She is fab with the kids, really brilliant and puts heart and soul into it for us.

My dad is about to retire and he too is great - DD in particular loves him. He has just had some time off and came down to help mum this week. My DH said this morning how he will not be able to tolerate both my parents staying on a regular basis and how just my mum is enough. They all get along fine, no arguments, it is just that he does not want them there 2 nights a week, and he thinks it will be bad for "us" (even though one night they arrive very late and the other we go out, courtesy of free babysitting ).

By the way we are lucky and have plenty of space and they have their own guestroom and bathroom so we are not all on top of one another.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he is being pretty mean? If I am being unreasonable, how on earth can I tell my folks without it causing really bad feeling?

2rebecca - Trouble is she can't help it

"I reckon if someone said their MIL was going to be staying so often and they weren't happy, there'd be a chorus of YANBU. I think your DH has a fair point and you should respect his wishes"

Pretty much what my response was going to be. Whether or not his reasons for not wanting his inlaws around are logical, if having them 2 nights a week, every week, makes him feel uncomfortable or unable to relax in his own house then he is not being unreasonable.

Ooh the troll is learning! Getting them right some of the time ROFL

My MIL has v kindly offered to give us a similar hand with childcare when the time comes, and I'm very grateful but am also wondering if I will feel like your DH about it.

She lives too far away to take on daycare without staying the night. It would just be one night a week but already I'm slightly anxious about having my MIL (who is lovely, but who is my MIL!) staying in my house on a regular basis.

I don't think your husband is being particularly U. You have to remember, they're your parents, not his. Although come to think of it I wouldn't want my own mum staying every week either.

violethill- Troll, sweetie, come on, if anyone is a troll it's you and you know it, never heard of you, but nice try.

here get that down yer neck and bog off ROFL

Your DH is not being unreasonable

Too much to expect him to havethem in the house that often

Oh yawn... she's stalking me again

Your overinflated ego could also do with the pruning that life beyond a comp would afford it, violethill! You should try the big bad world some time

Keep going Bonsoir. It's (mildly) amusing

I'm so glad you are listening . Just hope the penny will actually drop one day!

And on it goes

gosh, what a bitchfest in here today

it just goes to show that there is no such thing as free childcare, sadly!

VP - I really feel for you. I would hate to be placed in your position and can tell that you really don't want to upset either your parents or your DH.

I can see your DH's point of view (no matter how lovely your in-laws are, it is hard having regular houseguests), and I can also see how upset your parents might be if you're forced to scale things back.

I don't have any practical suggestions, but did just want to offer my sympathy. I hope you're able to sort something out that works for all.

Thanks everyone - appreciate all the further comments and insight. Have determined for sure thanks to you all that IABU to expect this of DH so got to think about the best way through it to keep all parties (kids, GPs, DH) happy with the result. Very therapeutic thread, thank you.

TALK ABOUT BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU

is there any way that you can keep the arrangement but make DH happier about it?
it seems that there are great benefits to the current situation to both you and the children and of course financially so perhaps you just need to find a way to tweak things to offset DH's discomfort and keep everyone happy?
that would seem to be the ideal solution..
does he commute to work? could he stay near work one night a week to save his commute and give him a night to himself...
Use some of the money you save on childcare to put your parents up in a b&b/hotel nearby overnight? tell them you need the guest room as an office/have friends visiting/other reason (or tell them that you and DH are feeling a little crowded in the evenings and think you would ALL benefit from your own space if you think they'll understand)
You and DH go out all evening on the night they are there every week (is there something your DH would really enjoy you doing together - cinema? a class of some kind? a night out with friends?)

Has anyone suggested putting the parents up in a nice comfy local b+b for the two nights every week? Would be cheaper than a nanny and possibly more pleasant / romantic for your mum and dad. If they had a regular arrangement it could be a sort of home from home while still giving your parents some privacy and not having to be avoiding your dh.

It sounds a bit weird but it could be a solution that keeps kids, DH, nan and grandpa happy.

Fel1x cross post !

You know, the more I think about this, the more I think that you should talk to your Mum, broach it in a "silly Men" sort of way so its less likely to offend her...... & you might well find, that she is doing it for you & the kids, but now Dads retiring they both might prefer a bit more time to enjoy their retirement too........

The reason I say this, for years, my Brother & I made a huge effort to go to our parents for Christmas, neither one of us really wanted too, but we felt obliged as we;d always done it........ my Brother started to make excuses, he lives in the same town, so popped in for half an hour or so, where as I had to stay for the duration........my Mother was always miserable, blaming it on grieving for my Nana, even though it was 10 years later, & the whole Xmas lunch thing was just painful...I hated it, but did it out of a sense of Duty, & was p'd at my Brother for skipping out of it

1 year, I was invited abroad, & decided I wanted to go, & made my brother promise it was his turn, as i'd done the last 3...... I booked to go away...& a week before Xmas my Brother backed out of going to our Ps, blaming work

Turned out we weren't the only ones not happy with the situation....... Mum & Dad booked to go away themselves at short notice....with my Dad finally piping up....Thank God for that...we thought we were never going to get rid of you .......... it had never occurred to either me or my Brother, that THEY, might actually prefer to change the arrangements too

you might well find the same thing is going on here too???

So I'm pretty much a MN newbie. I've been following this thread although this is my first post, following a botched attempt at an insightful comment last night (I forget what now).

Reading today's contributions, could someone please tell me what a troll is? Am I going to be labelled one for this post??

[pauses to check for spelling and grammatical errors]

A troll is someone who puts in something controversial just to stir things and they then sit back and enjoy the fall out when people take it seriously! They often start a thread-probably because they are bored. I often fall for them when I should know better and ignore!

www.flayme.com/troll/#What

there you go chiccadee, pretty good explanation of a Troll in the link, but basically, a bored troublemaker

The one on this thread I now realise I know well from other boards, the old Parents Center in particular, which closed down as a result of such behaviour.........purely by how it reffered to me & the style of writing, so this one is a VERY prolific one, & has been known to stalk people too........quite sad really, but best ignored, the less attention they get the better

Well I never. [bemused face]

Thank you piscesmoon and rockinhippy.