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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding thread-guests asking for money

110 replies

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:01

Hi
friends of ours have announced their wedding.
It is very short notce, 2 weeks.
They have been talking about getting married for some time but have always put it off.
Anyway received a text message(!!!!) 10 days ago saying they will be getting married midday on a weekday.
I cannot have time off from work and my kids are all at school.
Basically I told dh that I and kids therefore cannot go.
Last week dh saw our friend and was given a written invite and told that there was a dress code of which he was asked to adhere to.
The invite states that they are getting married at the registry office and the "do" will take place and go on into the night at a local working mens club.
Now dh can go and we were working on the basis that I could perhaps rush to the registry office in my lunch break and at least see them getting married. However our friend then said "By the way there is only room for 27 people in the registry office, I am asking the rest of you to go to the pub along the way and wait there, then go back to the working men's club (approx 12 miles away) for the buffet." So dh and I decided that there is point in my going as I won't be seeing them get married anyway. There is no chance that we will be one of the 27 guests who fit into the wedding ceremony as their family will more than fill that number.
On top of this immediately after school my dd's have a full dress rehersal for a dance show they are in and this will not finish until late, so they will not be able to go to any of the wedding. Both myself and dh were supposed to be taking it in turns driving to the rehersal as dds finish at different times (confusing I know)
The thing I find strange and flame me if you like, is that without being asked we have been given a "witty poem" asking us for money as a wedding gift.
The couple know that I cannot attend the wedding, although I have said that I will try and bob in for an hour before going back to collect dd1 from her rehersal.
Also this thing about being told what to wear when we cannot fit into the wedding ceremony I also find a bit odd.
BTW there is no park/grounds at the registry office so nowhere to go as it were it is smack bang in the middle of town next to shops so seems a bit unreasonable to expect my dh to drive there just to sit and wait in a pub and then come back.
My real question though is AIBU not to want to give cash, we are skint btw and struggling to make ends meet.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:

Ihavegreenpaintonmycarseats · 07/04/2010 11:03

No YANBU.

compo · 07/04/2010 11:04

was is the dress code for a pub and a working men's club ?!!

i would leave your dh to it tbh and not bother going to any of it

and buy them a vase

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 07/04/2010 11:04

If you are not going then don't send anything, maybe just a card. They probably don't realise that you are not going, maybe they have sent everyone the same request?

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2010 11:06

you're not going so why stress about it. No need to give a gift, no need to worry.

YABU.

shockers · 07/04/2010 11:08

People get so wrapped up in wedding organisation that they don't realise how mad they begin to sound...

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:09

The dress code is for the wedding-registry office which they have said we cannot fit in. But they still expect dh, who can go, to wear the dress code even though he won't be at the ceremony due to lack of space! It just seems bizzare and unreasonable to me.

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/04/2010 11:10

A text message invite, a stipulated dress code for a pub and working men's club, a segregated wedding where most of the guests don't get to see the ceremony, and a request for money?

Wow, these sound like really classy friends.

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2010 11:12

to be fair, if the register office can only seat 27 people then they are not deiberately excluding people!

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:14

Due you think I am ok sending dh with just a card?
The "poem" clearly states that "they already have everything they need" lucky them, which begs the question why ask for cash then.......

OP posts:

compo · 07/04/2010 11:14

presumably she is talking about a present because her dh is going?

what do you mean by dress code? for him to wear a suit? well I would expect that anyway, does he want to wear jeans?

why don't you leave it up to him what he takes as a present and what he wears as you're not going?

compo · 07/04/2010 11:15

no it's not ok to send dh with just a card, can't he put a £20 in it?!

Onestonetogo · 07/04/2010 11:16

the dress code doesn't only apply to the ceremony but to the reception as well imo.

Send a card, if you can a small present, but don't feel obliged to go. Simples.

Eglu · 07/04/2010 11:17

TBH I would say DH couldn't go either. They want him to stick to a dress code for a ceremony he is not even attending? Completely bizarre.

compo · 07/04/2010 11:18

lol can't he make up his own mind Eglu - 'I would say he can't go' or is he five?!!
and we don't even know what the dress code is, op what is it???

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:18

If you don't want to go don't go, If you don't want to give them money then don't, its not like you'll be turning up empty handed since you're not going anyway. If you're DH doesn't have to buy anything new to wear and thinks he'd enjoy the evening, let him trot along!
But YABU if you are going to keep moaning about their choices even though you are not going to partake in them! especially if you do so in RL (on here is allowed )

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:18

Tortoise-Yes they do enjoy a drink! hence the working men club venue. It is not the nicest of places, but cheap for beer!

OP posts:

SuSylvester · 07/04/2010 11:19

no way
dont go
send dh with a towel

compo · 07/04/2010 11:19

lol

SuSylvester · 07/04/2010 11:21

towles
no one has too many

ChippingIn · 07/04/2010 11:21

Normally if I was invited to a wedding, but couldn't make it, I'd still send a present as I don't see it as payment for my meal - which some clearly do.

However, as you are 'skint', then you shouldn't send a present/money regardless of whether either of you go or not - if you can't afford to, you can't afford to! They should want you there to help celebrate - not because you are bring a present(money).

Send a card

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:21

BTW "we already have everything we need" usually means, we have no room or desire for more vases/oil painting/ornaments, what we don't have is any spare cash to treat ourself on honeymoon/ as newly weds

If it irks you to give cash, give a £20 voucher. They just don't want tat that they have to dig out and display every time you're coming round!

Pancakeflipper · 07/04/2010 11:21

My cousins sent us a similiar little ode wanting money instead of presents for their wedding. Made me since. We weren't going and I bought them a garden voucher. I was concerned the bride would spend it on her designer wardrobe and being a meanie I wasn't happy to contribute to her new Jimmy Choos. Do what you feel happy doing.

Seems abit of a farce but I suppose it's because it's last minute.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:23

Dress code is specific colours, don't want to elaborate as I don't want to be identified.
Hate the asking for money though, before I had a chance to ask what gift they would like.
Have also told dh that I am expecting him to do his share of driving re the show rehersal as it is nearly an hours round trip for each dd, hence my lack of enthusiasm for the going to the pub whilst the ceremony is taking place as dh will have to drive and he knows this. Think everyone else might start drinking straight away.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 07/04/2010 11:25

Would you (or your DH) have taken a present? If so, give them that amount of cash.

I've never understood why people get so aerated about cash/honeymoon vouchers. You'd be spending that money anyway. If it's what they want, give them that. Giving them a gift they don't want is pointless imo, and a waste of money.

Can't comment on the dress code until we know what it is! If it's "wear purple spandex", YANBU. If it's "smart casual" YABU!

compo · 07/04/2010 11:25

can't one of your dd's mates mum's help out with ferrying around? there's not much point dh going if you're going to make such a big hoohar over it is there?

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