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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding thread-guests asking for money

110 replies

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:01

Hi
friends of ours have announced their wedding.
It is very short notce, 2 weeks.
They have been talking about getting married for some time but have always put it off.
Anyway received a text message(!!!!) 10 days ago saying they will be getting married midday on a weekday.
I cannot have time off from work and my kids are all at school.
Basically I told dh that I and kids therefore cannot go.
Last week dh saw our friend and was given a written invite and told that there was a dress code of which he was asked to adhere to.
The invite states that they are getting married at the registry office and the "do" will take place and go on into the night at a local working mens club.
Now dh can go and we were working on the basis that I could perhaps rush to the registry office in my lunch break and at least see them getting married. However our friend then said "By the way there is only room for 27 people in the registry office, I am asking the rest of you to go to the pub along the way and wait there, then go back to the working men's club (approx 12 miles away) for the buffet." So dh and I decided that there is point in my going as I won't be seeing them get married anyway. There is no chance that we will be one of the 27 guests who fit into the wedding ceremony as their family will more than fill that number.
On top of this immediately after school my dd's have a full dress rehersal for a dance show they are in and this will not finish until late, so they will not be able to go to any of the wedding. Both myself and dh were supposed to be taking it in turns driving to the rehersal as dds finish at different times (confusing I know)
The thing I find strange and flame me if you like, is that without being asked we have been given a "witty poem" asking us for money as a wedding gift.
The couple know that I cannot attend the wedding, although I have said that I will try and bob in for an hour before going back to collect dd1 from her rehersal.
Also this thing about being told what to wear when we cannot fit into the wedding ceremony I also find a bit odd.
BTW there is no park/grounds at the registry office so nowhere to go as it were it is smack bang in the middle of town next to shops so seems a bit unreasonable to expect my dh to drive there just to sit and wait in a pub and then come back.
My real question though is AIBU not to want to give cash, we are skint btw and struggling to make ends meet.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Original poster
muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 12:14

Good post Eightieschick
I really wish they had arranged for a Saturday wedding, but like my dh says it is their wedding after all!
I am liking the idea of Tescos champagne as a nice in between the cash and traditional wedding gift option.
Yes the man is a friend of my dh and dh does want to go (as I do) however it is such a bad day for us.
Unfortunately I don't have anyone to pick up dds as grandparents are not that way inclined and it will be after 10pm when I get in with dd1. But am working on going inbetween driving to rehersals finishing work etc.

OP posts:
Pikelit · 07/04/2010 12:18

Sounds like the wedding from hell. You are best off out of it. Send DH along with a card.

Original poster
muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 12:24

Also am a bit worried (prob wrong word) about dh having to sit in a pub whilst the ceremony is taking place as he knows he will have to drive back to the working mens club and drive later that day. If he doesn't do one of the runs (for dds) it will mean that I do an hours round trip then have to go back 15/20 mins later to pick up dd1, which I am not happy to do, I am quite happy to pick dh up from working mens club so he can have a drink then though.
Do you think it is ok to say dh will go to the reception only (as I can't personally see the point in him driving to the registry office when he can't fit in just to drive back agian)?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 07/04/2010 12:24

Don't you mean "bride and groom asking for money" in the thread title?

Anyway, no no no no no to the money. It is the naffest thing ever. And cross them off your Christmas card list for good measure.

SalFresco · 07/04/2010 12:25

I think YANBU. But then I managed to have a very lovely wedding, without putting my gift list in the invite, (and I did have a gift list - we had literally nothing and were living with my mum at the time!) or stipulating a dress code. WHy do people think it is reasonable to tell guests even "smart / casual dress" - surely adults know that going to a wedding normally requires appropriate dress - they don't need to be told! And even if they do turn up in casual wear, so what? My friend came to my (quite traditional, church)wedding in jeans and a jumper - and I was delighted to see her.

It sounds like the couple in the OP have made arrangements that suit them, but are not convienient for all attending. I think a bottle of bubbly would be fine. They can enjoy it, and not have to display it every time you come round!

KiwiKat · 07/04/2010 12:30

Yes, bottle of bubbly a nice thought. And I see what you mean about all the driving. Any of the girls' friends' parents able to pick them up and take them back to theirs for a bit that night?

Original poster
muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 12:39

Unfortunately my dd finishes her rehersal later than any of her friends, by about an hour. As the rehersal is in the theatre and it is a very old theatre, there is nowhere to wait. It will be a case of at such a time these children will need to be picked up. The theatre door will open and we are to collect them and take them home. Both my dd's finish at different times and I cannot sit and wait anywhere with first dd. Also I can't expect my dds friend's parents to hang about waiting for her to finish.
The theatre is in a town centre and therefore the only places open will be pubs which I can't take my dds to.
Btw this would not usually trouble me just that it interfers with the wedding but the show was arranged first and will take priority.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 07/04/2010 12:54

The rehearsals are now sounding like even more of a faff than the wedding Whoever's arranged that clearly thinks all parents are available to spend their whole evenings driving back and forth. Any chance you can ask if DD1 can do her bit earlier so you can take them both at the same time, given that you are trying to fit in something else?

Could you sit in the audience seats with your earlier-finishing DD and wait for the other one, if there is nowhere else to wait?

I do think it sounds more practical for your DH to go straight to the reception rather than go to the ceremony but wait outside. For whatever reason they seem to have chosen arrangements that make it as difficult as possible for people to actually go!

DaftApeth · 07/04/2010 13:11

I wouldn't bother with cheap champagne - unless you know for sure they would like it.

I'd get a photo album or plain (wooden/silver plated) photo frame.

I'd also avoid the pub and go straight to the working men's club later, if I was your dh.

They probably had to book a mid-week as the weekend dates are likely to have been booked up for months and other venues would have been more expensive at a weekend.

Gay40 · 07/04/2010 13:20

It just goes to show what a fiasco modern weddings really are. And about half of those marriages don't make it to 10 years anyway. Not that that in itself is a reason not to get married. But in some cases the wedding debt is not paid off by the time the divorce papers arrive.
I think asking for money (or anything really) is just damn rude. In the olden days, the new couple were quite often moving into their own house and needed toasters etc. These days they will mostly have been living together for an age (and if they haven't, they shouldn't be getting married either in my opinion).
My friend arranged a massive wedding - mostly to keep her family quiet - but the stress got too much and they privately cancelled the lot, got married abroad on the cheap and then told everyone when they got back.
Only family were huffed.

MilaMae · 07/04/2010 13:33

I think any mention of gifts is very rude.

I really hate weddings when you're on a tight budget you have to shell out on outfits,travel expenses,hotel bills,giving up time etc. I personally think that is enough. They have invited you, turning up is the gift imvho.

When I get married I won't mention gifts at all I'd be too mortified to be honest. We will do it very cheaply. If people want to shell out on a wedding that is their choice the guests shouldn't have to fund it either by gifts or money.

I'd just send dp without any money.If they get the hump they clearly aren't friends worth having.

tiredfeet · 07/04/2010 13:45

If they are your real friends then they absolutely will not want you spending money on a gift/ giving them cash if money is tight. I would be devastated if I thought someone had spent money they didn't have on a wedding present for us.

We had one elderly relative who bought us a few teatowels, beautifully wrapped. It was one of my favourite presents and we really do use them all the time.

I find people asking for money vile to be honest. It makes a wedding feel like a transaction. I gave cash reluctantly to a close friend who asked for it for her wedding, but I didn't like doing so. I would have preferred a request for vouchers at least (or, preferably, I think no mention of gifts at all on/ with the invite is by far and away the politest approach). I think in future I would ignore requests for cash and bring a gift. I just hated slipping notes into a card it felt so impersonal. And I hated that it was so obvious how much each person had given.

Pikelit · 07/04/2010 13:48

So cash is requested in order to proceed with the purchase that we will eventually need

Well that just puts the lid on it. The wretched excuse for a poem doesn't even scan properly! One day I'll get myself organised enough to write a selection of suitably robust rhyming refusals.

Because actually, I do think asking for money is a bloody cheek. I don't care whether people think they have "everything". I'm still not interested in merely shifting dosh from my bank account into theirs. Ask for donations to a meaningful charity if you really can't find anything at all you'd like as a present.

BitOfFun · 07/04/2010 13:51

With notice of only two weeks,

And the fact that we both dress as geeks,

No money we'll send,

Though we'll still be your friend-

But you pair sound a couple of freaks!

That do you?

Pikelit · 07/04/2010 13:53

I'd think I'd be looking to fit in "bloody cheek" in the final line, BitofFun.

wildfig · 07/04/2010 13:59

"So cash is requested in order to proceed with the purchase that we will eventually need"

What does that even mean?? There's coy money requests and there's downright cryptic.

"OK, contestants, so you chose Lorraine Chase who brought in the lovely wedding tiara. 'Cash is requested'... that sounds like someone asking for money... 'In order to proceed', well, to proceed could mean to move things on, and all things turn to dust eventually. 'The purchase that we will eventually need' - every house needs one, well, it could be a speedboat.. but it's not, it's a DUSTY BIN."

[wheels on bin. Sticks rosette on it. Gives to happy couple]

piscesmoon · 07/04/2010 14:03

YANBU. Just give apologies and a present of your choosing-if you wish to. Ignore the cash request.

Vev · 07/04/2010 14:08

YANBU. It's very cheeky and presumptious and makes getting married sound like a "business deal".

BitOfFun · 07/04/2010 14:18

Your cash-grabbing ditty,

Though meant to be witty,

Has actually made me quite cross.

We cannot attend,

But are tempted to send

A poem you can stick up your arse.

swanandduck · 07/04/2010 14:19

Why do brides and groooms think it's acceptable to ask for cash gifts? I know weddings are expensive, but so is buying a new house or having a baby, and I have never, ever been invited to a housewarming or a Christening and asked to give cash gifts only. But somehow, a lot of people think it's okay in the case of a Wedding.

swanandduck · 07/04/2010 14:20

ps ROFL BitOfFun.

Pikelit · 07/04/2010 14:20

A pedant writes...

"a poem to stick up your arse"

BitOfFun · 07/04/2010 14:24

Yes yes, it needs some work

Pikelit · 07/04/2010 14:30

I really ought to be working...

"People like you get on my titties
I really hate these blagging ditties"

(to be continued...)

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 14:33

no "you can" scans better here than "to"

also the colloquialism is "you can stick it..." so it is more effective as is

"they want money towards a specific purchase"

they can earn it then. you don't shake down guests for cash