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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding thread-guests asking for money

110 replies

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:01

Hi
friends of ours have announced their wedding.
It is very short notce, 2 weeks.
They have been talking about getting married for some time but have always put it off.
Anyway received a text message(!!!!) 10 days ago saying they will be getting married midday on a weekday.
I cannot have time off from work and my kids are all at school.
Basically I told dh that I and kids therefore cannot go.
Last week dh saw our friend and was given a written invite and told that there was a dress code of which he was asked to adhere to.
The invite states that they are getting married at the registry office and the "do" will take place and go on into the night at a local working mens club.
Now dh can go and we were working on the basis that I could perhaps rush to the registry office in my lunch break and at least see them getting married. However our friend then said "By the way there is only room for 27 people in the registry office, I am asking the rest of you to go to the pub along the way and wait there, then go back to the working men's club (approx 12 miles away) for the buffet." So dh and I decided that there is point in my going as I won't be seeing them get married anyway. There is no chance that we will be one of the 27 guests who fit into the wedding ceremony as their family will more than fill that number.
On top of this immediately after school my dd's have a full dress rehersal for a dance show they are in and this will not finish until late, so they will not be able to go to any of the wedding. Both myself and dh were supposed to be taking it in turns driving to the rehersal as dds finish at different times (confusing I know)
The thing I find strange and flame me if you like, is that without being asked we have been given a "witty poem" asking us for money as a wedding gift.
The couple know that I cannot attend the wedding, although I have said that I will try and bob in for an hour before going back to collect dd1 from her rehersal.
Also this thing about being told what to wear when we cannot fit into the wedding ceremony I also find a bit odd.
BTW there is no park/grounds at the registry office so nowhere to go as it were it is smack bang in the middle of town next to shops so seems a bit unreasonable to expect my dh to drive there just to sit and wait in a pub and then come back.
My real question though is AIBU not to want to give cash, we are skint btw and struggling to make ends meet.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 07/04/2010 14:35

They're terribly crass
And show you've no class.

Here'a copy of Tale Of Two Cities.

Apart from the last line being a bit of a non-sequiteur, perhaps?

Oblomov · 07/04/2010 14:45

You are all really wierd. Why is asking for money so awful. Do none of you actually like the people whose wedding it is, that you are being invited to ?
"Oh some cousin ..... and I didn't want to contribute to her jimmy choos".

What ?
Asking for money is not rude. If we are invited to a wedding, we give them what they want. I really like our friends. And wnat to give them something that they want.
My friend gor married. They were bought 7 photo albums and some really not very nice bed linen. I am sure the person who bought it like it. Why would you want to be burdened with all that tat ? Money for a holiday. If thats what they want, that sfine.

Why are you friends with these people. You clearly don't liek them.
Ever heard of saying no. Refusing an invite,
Op did this originally. So just stick to that. I suspect ehr dh wants to go. Ha ha.

fallon8 · 07/04/2010 14:48

give a donation of a tenner or similar to a 3rd world charity that rpovides a well,sanitation, schools or similar,they will send them a card.

Pikelit · 07/04/2010 15:09

^You are all really wierd.(sic)

Thank Fuck for that. I'd be seriously bothered if I'd suddenly discovered AIBU had gone all Stepford this morning. Or faerie-woo.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/04/2010 15:11

I'd take a card and a bottle of something, I really hate being asked for cash - why not just charge an entry fee. Unless very close relatives, I don't usually accept invites that have requests for cash.

As for a dress code, don't think I dare comment

OtterInaSkoda · 07/04/2010 15:12

I wonder if they're asking for money to go towards a vasectomy reversal, or IVF or something? Or a pram? The "eventually need" and the hastily planned nature of it got me thinking, see.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/04/2010 15:12

Wish there was an edit facility. For the record there was no dress code at our wedding, reading the above sounds like I had one.

bellissima · 07/04/2010 15:14

It's their wedding (although agree with the poster who said that couples' stipulations/planning often ends up looking utterly bonkers!) so if they want money that's up to them. In France and Belgium it's quite common for couples to set up a 'list' at a department store and in fact just take the money that guests have 'spent' there (the store takes a commission!). But I understand it if you are broke and don't want to give a small amt of cash. When I was a skint student I used to get a couple of nice towels in some neutral colour or wine/water glasses or a clock - all nice things that look better, prettily wrapped, than the money they cost.

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 15:14

Asking for money is rude unless you are looking for charity because you have fallen on hard times. Even then pride should prevent you from sending a begging letter to all your friends.

MorrisZapp · 07/04/2010 15:17

People will moan no matter what. If it's a wedding list it's presumptous, if they don't give guidance on gifts at all then wtf are you supposed to do on the day with a wrapped toaster in your hands etc.

The money thing is just the way of modern weddings - most couples already have enough glassware, towels etc so they ask for vouchers or money to put towards a big purchase or a holiday or whatever.

Most of these threads seem to be populated by people who want to give people something they don't want as a way to humble them. If that's how you feel about the people getting married then why not just politely refuse the invitation and give nothing.

follygirl · 07/04/2010 15:29

I'm Dutch and in Holland as well as other countries in Europe, it's perfectly normal to ask for cash. The invites usually have a picture of an envelope which indicates that they want cash.

I guess it's what I'm used to so I don't see anything wrong with it.

This wedding does sound a bit of a faff though. Hope your dh enjoys himself.

GeneHuntsMistress · 07/04/2010 15:30

Wildfig thanks for the 3-2-1 post, i am roffling here

op - what i would do is decline the invitation on your behalf (sounds like your evening is going to be crappy enough with all the driving your dds around) and ask DH just to go to the reception As to gift - i would send a card only in this situation as they do not want anything anyway. If you do want to send a gift with DH, then yes a bottle of bubbly or nice photoframe or towel bale.

and then just forget about it. hth.

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 15:31

You are not supposed to show up at the wedding with a gift. A wedding gift should be sent, not brought.

I can't for the life of me see how you could humble the kind of person that thinks it's OK to tell other people to give them money.

ifancyashandy · 07/04/2010 15:41

What Skids said above...

I have no problem with wedding lists as they usually vary in price, with something that everyone can afford. And you know you're giving the couple something they want / need. Money is just so... money grabbing. Not classy.

MorrisZapp · 07/04/2010 15:42

Of come off it, what would you have people do? Say they want absolutely nothing, and upset/ offend all the guests over 50?

My gran, for instance, would rather chop her arm off then attend a wedding without giving a gift, even if the couple said they wanted nothing. If they already have enough towels and toasters, what should they ask my gran for?

She's going to give them something, surely it's better that the money isn't wasted on something they don't want or need.

bellissima · 07/04/2010 15:45

Morris - I honestly didn't give towels or wine glasses to humble anyone. I just found it less embarrassing (okay for me I accept!) to give wine glasses rather than the six quid that I remember they cost (a few years back) - and I honestly think that something like that is fairly welcome. The OP said that she and DH were skint and I just think that if he turned up with a card and something like that then no one could possibly object.

MadamDeathstare · 07/04/2010 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 07/04/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 07/04/2010 15:58

bellissima if people can't afford to give cash then of course they can give anything they like or indeed nothing. Only the worst kind of person could possibly take offence at that. Nobody has to give money - I was asked for money at a recent wedding but chose a thoughtful gift instead.

But in general, if you're going to spend money, what is so wrong with just giving money?

I think a lot of the outrage is false anyway. 'Oooh how tacky to talk about money', I bet that like any normal people, you lot discuss money all the time.

You use money to buy gifts with. It's a fact, not a shady and embarrassing secret.

Sassybeast · 07/04/2010 16:16

OP the whols affair sounds grim. YANBU - crappy poems are right up there on with themed weddings on my 'cannot attend' list

independiente · 07/04/2010 16:25

Most important question: do you think your friends (who you describe as nice) intended to offend you? If not, stop taking offence!
Either give money as a present, which they have said will be the most useful thing for them. Alternatively, give a present of your choice which you think they'll enjoy, and trust that they too will take it in the spirit offered.

OtterInaSkoda · 07/04/2010 16:36

I bet 50p they're raising funds for a baby (either conceiving or perambulating).

ifancyashandy · 07/04/2010 17:15

Morris with gift, no-one knows how much you've spent (if it's not from a guest list). Thus, you can spare any blushes if you are a little strapped for cash. Also, a gift has had some thought put into it - you can choose something that really means somethiNot so with a financial donation.ng to you and (hopefully!) the happy couple.

I also object to brides and grooms asking for cash as 'this wedding has cost us loads and we need to recoup the money' - which is what some friends of mine did . Now I just think that that's what all couples asking for money are doing.

ifancyashandy · 07/04/2010 17:16

Sorry - laptop gone mad - gift can mean something to you and happy couple - not so with financial donation.

Original poster
muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 17:27

Thanks for your posts.

I have loved the rhyming ones too.

I am not going to give cash, as I will feel embarrassed about not being able to give what I would like so I will buy a small gift. Something to drink I think as I know they will use it!
Just wanted to make sure it is ok to do so and not feel pressurised into handing over the cash!

OP posts:
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