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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding thread-guests asking for money

110 replies

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:01

Hi
friends of ours have announced their wedding.
It is very short notce, 2 weeks.
They have been talking about getting married for some time but have always put it off.
Anyway received a text message(!!!!) 10 days ago saying they will be getting married midday on a weekday.
I cannot have time off from work and my kids are all at school.
Basically I told dh that I and kids therefore cannot go.
Last week dh saw our friend and was given a written invite and told that there was a dress code of which he was asked to adhere to.
The invite states that they are getting married at the registry office and the "do" will take place and go on into the night at a local working mens club.
Now dh can go and we were working on the basis that I could perhaps rush to the registry office in my lunch break and at least see them getting married. However our friend then said "By the way there is only room for 27 people in the registry office, I am asking the rest of you to go to the pub along the way and wait there, then go back to the working men's club (approx 12 miles away) for the buffet." So dh and I decided that there is point in my going as I won't be seeing them get married anyway. There is no chance that we will be one of the 27 guests who fit into the wedding ceremony as their family will more than fill that number.
On top of this immediately after school my dd's have a full dress rehersal for a dance show they are in and this will not finish until late, so they will not be able to go to any of the wedding. Both myself and dh were supposed to be taking it in turns driving to the rehersal as dds finish at different times (confusing I know)
The thing I find strange and flame me if you like, is that without being asked we have been given a "witty poem" asking us for money as a wedding gift.
The couple know that I cannot attend the wedding, although I have said that I will try and bob in for an hour before going back to collect dd1 from her rehersal.
Also this thing about being told what to wear when we cannot fit into the wedding ceremony I also find a bit odd.
BTW there is no park/grounds at the registry office so nowhere to go as it were it is smack bang in the middle of town next to shops so seems a bit unreasonable to expect my dh to drive there just to sit and wait in a pub and then come back.
My real question though is AIBU not to want to give cash, we are skint btw and struggling to make ends meet.
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:25

Does he already own something in those colors, are are you talking about him having to go and buy something new because he has nothing in either color?

ifancyashandy · 07/04/2010 11:26

Pet hate of mine - think it's really seriously bad manners to ask for money as a wedding present. I was once asked to give holiday vouchers to put towards their honeymoon as 'the wedding has cost us so much'! .

I gave vouchers for a well known department store.

compo · 07/04/2010 11:26

It sonds to me that you've already got a huge downer on the whole thing and are putting obstacles in dh's way of having a good time

what does he think of it all? does he want to go?

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:28

They are nice people really!
I just don't like being asked for cash, when I got married I was grateful for any gift and really appreciated useful items EG toaster etc it just seems to spoil it for me but it is their wedding, just don't want to appear mean but love the idea of sending a towel!

OP posts:

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:29

agree with compo, if you are going to be nagging him about leaving before he's even got there and then phoning him while he's there to remind him not to enjoy himself then there is no point in him going really.

Go with grace, or stay away. Don't go or "send him" grudgingly

Gay40 · 07/04/2010 11:30

I'd write a funny poem back, explaining why you aren't going and why you are't contributing to the farce of it
Count it as your rsvp

Rockbird · 07/04/2010 11:32

It does sound like a complete farce. So what if it's short notice, doesn't mean it has to be arse about face like this sounds. I'd send a note back, sorry you can't make it, have a lovely day and then think no more about it.

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2010 11:33

does the poem say they have all we need but if you would like to give a gift then please contribute some cash?

if so theyn they are not saying you have to give cash or any present at all but if you do want to give something then that's what they prefer.

surely they aren't demanding a present and demanding it be cash?

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 11:34

"we have been given a "witty poem" asking us for money as a wedding gift"

the rest of your post is irrelevant. they are very rude to beg for money in this way.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:38

Thanks Infancy- I too could do with cash but wouldn't dream of asking for it, especially without being asked what I would like first iyswim.
I really don't mind dh going and to be fair if it wasn't for the show, we would all go after work/school.
No there is no-one else to bring dd's home. It is quite complicated but the people who live this side of town don't finish at the same time as my dds. My eldest dd is there until the end and it is a case of you can leave at set times depending on when your bit finishes.
Just to put some background into it the couple asked us to go to the Carribean for their wedding plans, we told them we couldn't afford it. They have since changed to this and I am pleased they are getting married, just wish we could all go.

OP posts:

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:41

" "we have been given a "witty poem" asking us for money as a wedding gift"

the rest of your post is irrelevant. they are very rude to beg for money in this way."

that's a bit unfair, I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
We had no list, guest kept ringing up for a list and we got told how annoying it is when people don't have lists
So we said fine, we support these charities if you'd prefer
Got a tonne of bricks on our heads about "telling people which charity they should support" and "if you want to support a charity, do it yourself, don't ask me to do it" (from the people demanding a list)
At this point my mum was being bombarded with guests ringing her asking for gift list details so she asked us to do one for her sake so we did (well asked for vouchers for something)

Y'know what, the very people who demanded we make a list didn't use it, and some people even wrote passive aggressive messages in our cards about why they opted out of the OPTIONAL gift list

you can't win!

electra · 07/04/2010 11:44

YANBU - asking for money is sooooo rude.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:45

The poem ends this way;

"So cash is requested in order to proceed with the purchase that we will eventually need"

Not sure what that purchase is that they will eventually need as earlier it states that they have "all the essentials".
Think they have thrown the last bit on to rhymn with "proceed" rather than just saying give us cash for a present .

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2010 11:45

oh - well that is rude really!

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:45

but electra, what do you say when 40 people are ringing you and your family asking what they should get?, and when you say it doesn't matter as long as they come they get irritated and say "no really, tell me what I should get"

nannynobnobs · 07/04/2010 11:48

When we got married last year it was all very informal. If anyone asked me what we wanted for a gift I said Nothing, just come to the party if you can and celebrate with us. As it was we got a few lovely gifts (like a fab blue glass Buddha head!) and people gave us money anyway- We did NOT ask for cash, we got it in cards anyway! And we were very grateful indeed.
In your situation I would send a pretty card saying it's not possible to attend and save yourselves the stress and runaround.

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2010 11:49

send money, ,gift vouchers.,
they are your friends, despite a badly organised wedding.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 11:50

Salbysea, that is very different from sending out a letter asking for cash without being asked first or even enquiring as to whether guests can attend.
The couple know I am working, my dh told them this but they still gave him the note, which I do find rude.
Now compare this to another friends wedding to which I was happy to give cash, once I had askked her what she would like and she knew that I would be able to attend.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 07/04/2010 11:51

i think their poem is perfectly good.
they want money towards a specific purchase,. why not, they dont want a toaster.

EightiesChick · 07/04/2010 11:55

I sort of agree with salbysea as you can't really win with some people, whether you ask for money, have a list, don't have a list...

Your being is the relevant bit for me, never mind the rudeness or otherwise of them asking for money. That = small present or nothing at all.

My suggestion - bottle of champagne. You can get one in Tesco for under £20 (about £13 if you're lucky) and it shows a wish to help them celebrate without giving cash or having to push the boat out too far. I have done champagne and chocolates before for people remarrying who had their house set up already.

The run of events sounds like a total faff so I would just say sorry, none of you can make it. Does your DH actually want to go? Are they more your friends or his?

The other option, if it can be managed, would be for you and your DH to go along to the evening bit at the social club for an hour or two, when the kids are in bed, if you can get a (cheap/free) babysitter.

EightiesChick · 07/04/2010 11:56

your being skint is the relevant bit for me

electra · 07/04/2010 12:00

I agree that you can't please everyone and weddings are a PITA for various reasons.

But it is so crass to ask for money and use it as an opportunity to cash in. It's wrong to even expect a present imo. I really hate it when a wedding is a thinly veiled opportunity for people to act like spoilt brats.

NestaFiesta · 07/04/2010 12:01

Look, you're skint and have kids, they're not and don't have kids. You need your money more than they do. Send DH with small gift as gesture and card and just say you can't make it. Bit odd having midday mid week wedding anyway TBH.

salbysea · 07/04/2010 12:02

but we had people who were irritated that the HAD to ask and hadn't been sent a list in the first place (mostly just mad aunts to be fair LOL, but it shows that you really REALLY can't win)

champers is a great idea!
someone gave us champagne and a box of choc dipped strawberries - loved it

another REALLY nice thing some people did was send flowers to the house the day before

neither of those ideas go against the sentiment that they don't want clutter that they don't need and have to display so as not to offend, and also means you don't have to put money in an envelope if you don't like doing that

KiwiKat · 07/04/2010 12:12

I don't think asking for money instead of a gift is rude at all - I find it very stressful choosing a gift for weddings unless I know the couple very well, and people's taste can be so varied. It's your choice how much you give, or even whether you give any at all, or just a nice card. If they judge you on that, they're not the kind of friends you want to keep.

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