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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that dp should love my DS as much as he does our DD?

127 replies

superv1xen · 05/04/2010 21:25

I have been with DP nearly 3 years. My DS is nearly 4 so when me and DP got together he was very young. Me and DP now have a 10 month old DD.

My DS adores DP and unfortunately does not have much of a relationship with his bio dad as his bio dad lives 100 miles away from us and only sees him twice a month, and is not really that great with him.

DP is really good with my DS and likes him, but I can tell that he doesn't "love" him. for example; It is clearly obvious when he comes in from work, his eyes light up when he sees our DD and he goes straight to her for cuddles but my DS kind of gets a "hello mate!" from him but nothing more loving than that. also, my DP seems to like it when its just me him and DD, ie, when DS is with his dad or when my parents have him.

me and DP are engaged and hoping to get married later in the year, and I really love him, we have a great relationship other than this, and as I say, he gets on with my DS but I think he should love him, not just be his "pal" - after all, he has been in his life as long as he can remember and is around a whole lot more than his real dad is.

I think I am rambling now...but some advice would be great.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 05/04/2010 21:27

YABU

It isn't for you to say who your dp should love.

Does he treat your ds well, does he care for him, does he treat him the same as your dd? All good.

If not, then you need to talk.

StealthPolarBear · 05/04/2010 21:28

I would feel the same as you, I know it's not fair but I would. And it would make me very upset that he didn't.

LadyBiscuit · 05/04/2010 21:29

I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't love my children. Sorry.

Greensleeves · 05/04/2010 21:30

YANBU to feel this way - I would too - and well done to you for acknowledging it now and wanting to deal with it rather than sweep it under the rug and just get married, as many people do

but you can't make love occur, can you - even if he wants to love him, if he doesn't he doesn't, it's involuntary. Aloha used to say that if you just go through the motions of loving really thoroughly - act as if you lkove the child - love can grow - but I don't hink you can guarantee that.

the question is, is it a deal-breaker for you if he really can't love them both equally?

Mowgli1970 · 05/04/2010 21:30

I think this is definitely something you should talk about before the wedding. Your DP is his dad for all intents and purposes. It depends though on how you intervene IYSWIM - do you over-rule DP if he disciplines DS but not DD? Is DP fully involved in all decisions regarding DS? It's a tricky one, because what do you do if DP says he doesn't love DS the same as DD? Can you live with that?
Maybe they could have some time alone together to bond and do "boys'" stuff together? Hope you can sort it out.

Dominique07 · 05/04/2010 21:32

Well I'm sure you can talk to your DP about the way your DS views him, as his Dad who has always been in his life (as long as he can remember). Not in an aggressive/heated manner, just simply discuss it, and ask him how your DS will feel about it maybe in 3 or 4 years?

I'm sure if your DP is aware of it, he will be more thoughtful about any possible favoritism and avoid hurting your DS's feelings.

piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 21:34

I think that you need to talk to him before you get married. I can see that he loves his own DD more, but it is important that he never, ever shows it to anyone and that he gives just as much attention to your DS.
Have a very serious talk to him, before you get married and make sure that he realises that he has two equal children and that your family isn't complete and a unit when his DSS is missing.
My DS and I were a package and it was 'love me, love my DS'. I should make it very plain-or don't go through with it.Your DS deserves the best-not second best.

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/04/2010 21:35

he does treat him well, but i can tell he prefers our DD.

which i suppose is natural, as she is his bio child.

but i feel sad for DS, as I feel he only has me...as i said, his real dad does the bare minimum, and often doesnt even bother to turn up when he is meant to have access.

i just wish that dp loved my ds. i know i cant make him love anyone.

but DS loves him sooooo much, he looks up to him and talks about him all the time when he isn't there, sometimes he will go up to him and cuddle him and tell him he loves him and it breaks my heart that it isnt reciprocated.

its also worth adding (maybe?) that in dp's last relationship, he had 2 stepkids and a bio child, he is involved with the bio child but has nothing to do with the stepkids. and i hate the thought of if we ever split up that DS wouldnt see DP anymore. (although i have to say that his ex-stepkids are and were very involved with their own dad, so a bit different to my ds)

i am not making dp look like a very nice person am i?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 21:36

Encourage him to do a lot on his own with your DS-when you and DD are not there.

MorrisZapp · 05/04/2010 21:36

I dunno. Surely the love a person feels for their own kids is unique? I think if he cares for your DS and acts like a dad, then that's 'good enough'.

You should definitely tackle this with him before you marry though if it might be a deal breaker for you.

Greensleeves · 05/04/2010 21:37

I love various kids who aren't mine. It can and does happen.

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/04/2010 21:37

he does discipline ds, (as we have discussed it and i have said i am happy for us both to deal with disciplining) but i think he is not even comfortable doing that.

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 05/04/2010 21:38

What about adopted children? If you have biological kids and adopted ones, it's really not acceptable to love the bio ones and merely be very fond of the adopted ones. Same thing IMO

junglist1 · 05/04/2010 21:38

When DS says I love you does P say it back?

piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 21:38

You can't take up and drop children. If his bio child is a half sibling to the step DCs he should be seeing them together-they are one family and they were his family.

QuintessentialShadow · 05/04/2010 21:38

In your shoes, I think I would find it very odd if my fiance did not love my child, after having been a part of the childs life since he was so young.

ChippingIn · 05/04/2010 21:41

I couldn't be with someone who didn't love 'my' child, the same as he loved 'our' child, when he has been with 'my' child since that child was a baby...

How was he with DS before DD came along?

Could it just be 'baby love', 'Daughter adoration' - rather than mine v ours. (My friends DH adores his eldest daughter - complete apple of his eye, yet has very little time or patience with their second DD (both teenagers now, so not a case of prefering an older child to a baby).

Other than talk to DP about how he feels about DS (which wont be easy), I'm not sure what you can actually do though. It wont be good for your relationship though if this continues as you will become very defensive of DS and he will defend DD all the time and it will cause problems.... all you can do is talk.

Before you talk to him though, have a good think about whether you allow him to be a full father to DS or whether you do a bit of the 'he's my Son' (discipline, rules, decisions etc). Not saying you do of course, but just have a think about it x

piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 21:42

I wouldn't go through with marriage until you have sorted it out. You can't have 2 children where one gets loved by your partner and one doesn't. You wouldn't like it is your parents loved one and not the other so I don't see how you can accept it in a partner. How are his parents, siblings etc-are they treating them as equals?

Abundantia · 05/04/2010 21:42

Are you absolutely sure he doesn't love him? Has he said as much?

I'm a stepmum and knew dsd first. I love her very much, but it's a very different love to the love I have for dd. You might be expecting him to feel something he just can't feel. And even if he doesn't feel quite the same, that doesn't mean he isn't a great step-dad.

I'd say that if your ds seems to love him like he does then he's doing something right.

Boys2mam · 05/04/2010 21:45

I have been with my DP for 3.5 years. My DS1 is 6 and from my previous marriage. DP is fantastic with DS1, treating him exactly as a father does/should (bathing/homework/reprimanding/teaching him to use his cutlery etc etc)

Since DS2 came along I find myself osberving DP being a little more 'sharp' with DS1 than I would like him to be - then I remind myself he has treat him like his own since he was 2, looked after him alongside me through the sleepness nights, when he has been sick/had a fever, stood by his side when he has been in trouble at school, took him to his after school clubs and been to every play he could time off for.

The fact your DP's face lights up for his daughter is a whole different story. IME Dads have a whole other heart for the DD's and DS is not loved any less.

((DS1 in this house has less patience shined upon him at the mo as he is more pushy))

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/04/2010 21:47

i know, thats what i think too, i mean, my son is his daughters brother.

as i say, he has always been "good" with DS, and always been fond of him. but i have to say since DD has been born, he has been a little less attentive to DS.

but when my DS says he loves him, DP does say it back, but whether he means it or not i am not sure.

it does concern me that he left his ex stepkids so easily - he was with his ex for 11 years so since they were quite tiny as well. he never even mentions them - in fact i didnt know he had them till he mentioned it a few months into the relationship, although he had always been open that he had a daughter his other bio child)

OP posts:
EffieB · 05/04/2010 21:50

OP, when you mentioned your DP has previous step children that he no longer sees it changed how I was reading your post. I think you need to find out more about this- it could be he tried to be more involved but was told it wasn't his place, their bio-dad (or Mum) made it clear to him he was not their Dad, he DID love them and when it broke up he resolved not to get close to any step-children in the future etc...

Am I right in thinking that as a step-parent you don't have rights (or is unlikely) to access once a relationship has broken down?

He could have been told his role as a step-dad was one thing, he could have tried doing it differently and was knocked back, he may well have loved his previous step-children, but as their Dad was much more on the scene than your DS's dad is they didn't need a relationship with him in the way your DS does.

What I'm, not very succinctly, trying to say is you need to find out more what being a step-dad means to him.

mumtothemountain · 05/04/2010 21:50

One thing you might not have thought of... sometimes men are different with daughters than they are with sons. I've seen that from personal experience, that some men feel uncomfortable being too gushy with their sons. Doesn't necessarily mean they don't love them, just that for some reason they feel more able to express their love with a daughter than with a son.

How did his dad show love to him? How does he show affection to other men, brothers, friends etc? But yes, do talk to him, even if just to make him aware that he's apparently showing favouritism.

frecklyspeckly · 05/04/2010 21:52

hi superv1xen, what a sad post, I never normally comment on relationship threads but I truly feel for you and your situation.

FWIW I think love will probably develop over time and shared history, family holidays, celebrations etc and time to bond as a family. Perhaps you need to talk to him about this. I know from my own extended family that over the years the various stepfamilies that have formed do seem to become more 'tight' family units as time goes on.

I do not think you should imagine he is always going to be this detached.

pigletmania · 05/04/2010 21:56

Superv on one hand YABU to expect your dp to be like a father to your ds and to love him like a father would as he has a father already, as this might grow in time and not straight away. However YANBU for him to treat your ds the same as your dd, your dp knew that you and your ds came as a package and that your ds is an equal part of the family as much as his dd. You do need to talk about this to your dp as it sounds as though he does treat dd more favourably than your ds and in time it might affect your ds. It needs to be adressed and sorted out before you get married imo.