...to think that dp should love my DS as much as he does our DD?

[superv1xen]

I have been with DP nearly 3 years. My DS is nearly 4 so when me and DP got together he was very young. Me and DP now have a 10 month old DD.

My DS adores DP and unfortunately does not have much of a relationship with his bio dad as his bio dad lives 100 miles away from us and only sees him twice a month, and is not really that great with him.

DP is really good with my DS and likes him, but I can tell that he doesn't "love" him. for example; It is clearly obvious when he comes in from work, his eyes light up when he sees our DD and he goes straight to her for cuddles but my DS kind of gets a "hello mate!" from him but nothing more loving than that. also, my DP seems to like it when its just me him and DD, ie, when DS is with his dad or when my parents have him.

me and DP are engaged and hoping to get married later in the year, and I really love him, we have a great relationship other than this, and as I say, he gets on with my DS but I think he should love him, not just be his "pal" - after all, he has been in his life as long as he can remember and is around a whole lot more than his real dad is.

I think I am rambling now...but some advice would be great.

PS Ellie-Ann talks sense. He can love ds if he wants to. But that's up to him. And it will be different. I have a great relationship with my stepmother, but of course I know she is closer to her 2 biological daughters.

He can try and act the same with YOUR son as he does with HIS daughter, but your son has a dad, the fact that he isn't a good dad doesn't mean all the fathering should fall on your new partner. The fact that he has just broken up with someone with stepkids will make him realise that with stepkids often if the relationship falls the kids disappear from your life.
My husband and I have no kids together but I love my kids far more than he does and vice versa with his kids.
I think stepkids are different to adopted kids as with adoption you both choose to have a child where as with steppkids the adults usually choose each other and the kids come with the adult.

I think if he is fair with your son and tries to treat him well then that's great, expecting him to feel the same way about him as you do is unrealistic.
Try and involve the boy's real father more. I feel you're picking on the wrong bloke here. Your son has a father, it's not the man you are about to marry.

maranatha, odd post.
At first you accept marriage break up, saying these things happen. Then you finish off with telling op she shouldn't have split with H

FAct is she has.
It isn't just a Q that the dp doesn't love the sds as much, I think many people accept this is normal and as long as he treats them both the same etc all OK.

Problem is, he has abandoned (2?) sdc in similar circs.

OP, I think you're very brave tbh facing this. My mum remarried when I was 7. Had no contact at all with my real dad. This man was the only father I had ever had or known. He arrived when I was 7, called him dad from the word go. He and mum split up when I was doing my A levels, thoughtfully enough, I suppose you can't plan for these things but... . Anyway, I've enver seen him since. He was our dad for say 11 years, then - nothing at all.

I sometimes wonder if he's still alive. I wonder how you can basically bring someone else up, live with them for over a decade then just cut off all ties. We never had the big falling out. He split with my mum, not me iyswim. So obv. conclusion is he didn't give a shit about us and feels like my childhood was a bizarre play act. And now been dropped by not 1 but 2 'fathers'.

It would be a hard convo, but as has been raised, it's not just the day to day love, but you need to think BIG. What will happen if you were to die? Good luck with that, but it's a convo you need to have.

I understand that marantha, the love that this man feels for his dd is different, and it will probably grow in time as the relationship develops with her ds, but the step dad should treat both children the same especially in front of them, the ds will pick up on this if there is a disparity, and it could affect him badly and feel that he is less wanted or loved by the step dad. It is worrying that this man does not have anything to do with his previous step children as he was an important part in their lives, that would be worrying for me as the same could happen here and the op has to address this before she marries him.

Gatormum has a very good point, if anything were to happen to her would this man look after the ds properly? That is something that should not be taken lightly and should be considered before making a lifelong committment to him, after all when they met the man knew that she came as a package as one.

I agree completely with Marantha TBH.

Sorry OP but I tihnk you should be a bit more appreciative of what your dp IS offering.

I would talk to your DP about it, it is understandable but you need to look out for your son and he will notice. Perhaps you can't ask for your DP to love your son but you can ask him to carve a special relationship with him that is more Daddy than Pal.

Yes overmydeadbody but its not good enough to overtly treat his dd differently to the dss. The op comes as a package with her ds not just her so he should be making more of an effort, i personally would not marry him if that were the case would rather be on our own wh should she have to be grateful for what she has, nothing wrong with not having a man in yoru life.

Mabey they should do more things together like 'father and son'. My ILs do treat like a daughter even though they are not my birth parents not difficult to do. He just needs to make more effort with op son to help develop that bond, if he does not want to than i would seriously consider not marrying this guy.

I fully accept that traditional nuclear famillies break down, I am passing no MORAL judgement on that issue, however, I do feel that the OP is striving to be in a traditional nuclear family without actually being in one.
This is understandable and I'm not knocking that, but it's not realistic for a non-nuclear family to actually be like one-it's like trying to fit a square shape into a round hole. It doesn't work.

The OP has to make the best of what she's got and can't force her partner into loving her child like he loves the child they share biologically.
Sure she can hope that he's fond of her child and make sure that the child is treated well by him- but that's it.
"Having your cake and eating it" is the phrase that springs to mind here.

I would never expect my DP to love my children as me and their dad love them.
I think YABU

If you have a marriage where both of you bring your own DCs it is workable to have a parent who favours their own but once you have a joint DC the situation changes and that joint DC has to be equal to all the other DCs.
I was lucky marantha and I have 'had my cake and ate it' my whole point is that your DC deserves the best and if the new partner isn't going to provide it i.e.total commitment, even after your death then- even if he is the love of your life-walk away. An adult can cope with heartbreak-a DC shouldn't have to.

thank you for all your replies, it has given me food for thought.

as far as his ex stepkids go - as i said, they had a very good relationship with their dad, he was very involved. they stayed with him for a few nights a week, he would take them on holiday, did all the father/son stuff with them, and supported them well financially. so dp says there was no need for him to be anything other than a "mate" to them. i don't know if they wanted to see him or not though, as dp has told me they were very angry when he and his ex split up (as the split was very acrimonious) and would text him horrible, threatening messages, so to me, that kind of says they did care for him? as in, if they were angry enough to do that. the stepkids were 12 and 18 when they split and are now 16 and 22, so quite grown up.

as i said though, he IS involved with his daughter (who is now 13)) loves her very much, and has always been involved ever since the split. although there are issues because his DD took it very hard when i got pregnant and refused to see or speak to him for over a year. she also will not meet me or DD (who, of course, is her half sister) but they are building the relationship back up now and it seems to be going well.

i know it isn't dp's fault that my sons bio dad is so useless. a recent example of how crap he is - he was supposed to be having him for the bank holiday weekend (just gone) but within an hour of picking him up my son was poorly (he threw up) his dad was straight on the phone to me to pick him up. ie he couldnt be arsed to have him when he was ill (see, to him, looking after a poorly kid is "womens work")...then once i had picked him up i did not and have not heard a peep from his dad asking how he was. and inbetween his infrequent visits he never calls him or even me to ask after him.

i do sometimes wonder what would happen if anything happened to me (god forbid). he adores his baby sister and she does him too, i couldn't bear the thought of them being separated. maybe i should ask him....

Not maybe, really.

Have you got a will? It is very important you put into place sevure provison for your children in the event of something happening to you. It is really really important you have both of your children provided for and you appoint a guardian if you die.

I think, given the fact you're not married (yet) it is not clearcut for either of your children bh. You need to discuss, plan, agree, and set up legally with your dp what will happen to
dd if you die
ds if you die
dd is you both die
ds is you both die.

You need to discuss this and have formal arrangements in place.

I think in the currrently unmarried state, he is also not in a clear and easy potistion re your dd & property if you die.

thesecondcoming Oh yes, I think I had a bit of a clash with you over the cohabitee rights thing (?). I couldn't make myself clear about my stance, I think.
I think you thought that I was some kind of pro-marriage, all-other-relationships-are-sh*t,
lunatic, didn't you?
NOT so, the reason I'm so against cohabitee rights is because I am a libertarian in the sense that I don't think a couple should be deemed legally tied JUST because they are having a relationship under the same roof.
That's all. I realise I may be accused of hijacking here, so that's all I'll say, thesecondcoming.

My dp is not the bio father of my dd1 but we have been together since she was 2 and she has no contact with her bio father.

When we got together I told him I couldn't settle for anyone who couldn't love her as much as I do and luckily for me they adored eachother from the start.
We have gone on to have another 3 dd's and he loves them each the same, I think I notice more when he tells dd1 off but he parents them all the same and I really can't complain.

I wouldn't ever want any of then to feel they were loved any differently to their siblings.

I think you need to tell him outright how you are feeling, and what would happen regarding ds if you did ever split up.

Do you love your dp's bio child as much as your ds OP? YANBU to hope that because your dp knew your ds from the time he was a baby that a strong bond would have developed over the years. But if it didn't I don't think that is a reason to write your dp off, how can someone force themselves to love their step child as much as their biological child?

Like most parents I have the "would run into a burning building to save them" kind of love for my children. I don't think it's fair or reasonable to expect the same for a child that is not yours. Excellent if it happens, but if not then that's pretty normal and more usual I think. Your ds loves your dp and your dp tells him he loves him too. I don't know what more he can do tbh.

This is a really difficult area. I can see it from your DPs' side, but can also see how hard it must be for you to have DS not have the best...I have one DS and two DSS and one DSD. They were all in my life before I had my DS and I would say that over the years I have been with them, I have grown to love them. Having suffered MCs before I had my DS, the feelings for him are however completely different to what I was expecting and are different to the feelings I have for my DSCs... In my situation, it is not such a big deal as DSCs have good relationship with their Mum and her DP, but it is something i struggle with and try really hard to deal with. It is particularly had when DS and littlest DSS are squabbling over toys. I don't want to be too hard on DSS and want to be fair and really struggle with this.

I wouldn't have had a baby with a man, knowing how he already treated his previous step children, when I had a child already.

SuperV1xen It does seem odd that he didn't mention his step children and that he doesn't see or speak of them now. 11 years of parenting children and you don't mention it? (Even if in a 'step' capacity- it's still parenting) Would you be happy if you did spilt up for him to see dd and not mention your ds again? Sounds a bit dramatic but with the picture I have. it could be a possibility

There's clearly a lot more to this and maybe you need to find out more about why he doesn't see them. And what did he see himself as if not a step dad? That strikes me as a bit strange too.

But you're with this man now, married or not, have a child together and your ds has him as a father figure / step dad so you need to get your head around what is important to you and be happy with the result or you could well spend a very long time dwelling on the what if's

superv1xen - it screams out to me that you don't know, with absolute certainty, that your DP would raise your DS as his own, if you died. There is no way I would be getting married to someone who did not give me this sense of security/love.

I don't understand how you can get together with someone who has a baby, bring that baby up and not completely love that child, if not as you would your own flesh & blood, then so close to that it's invisible to the naked eye.

"He doesn't even call himself DS's Stepdad" - how does he refer to DS? What does DS call your DP?

Why isn't he comfortable telling him off?

Have you asked him why he didn't tell you about his other step children when he first told you about his BioDD? When you first found out about them, what did you say??

Alarm bells are really ringing for me...

Sorry seemed to have missed your last post when catching up.....

That explains why but doesn't really explain whay he didn't mention them.

Agree with other posters that you should talk about what happens if you die and then get a will written confirming this. I feel you should do this anyway, I would hate to think of my dh having to fight to keep our children together because someone decided they wanted to interfere.

I don't envy you though, V1xen and wouln't want to go through our early years together for anything!

the only thing I'd like to add is that I don't think OP's DP "should" feel anything, so much as being asked how he does feel. If he is going to be a part of OP's family (and it seems to me they already are, so in that sense the marriage is a bit of a red herring), then they have to have decided that they are both parents to both children. That surely has to be the "deal" with patchwork families - I'm happy enough to hive off assets in groups of companies when there is a demerger, but people just don't work the same way (hence me being a corporate rather than a family lawyer - it's all much simpler!)

Rather unhelpfully, I think the moment for such questions was when OP got pregnant with DD. Now it's a fait accompli, OP has the right to know how DP feels about the children, but I'm a bit worried the tone of some of these posts is that he "should" feel love for DSS. If he doesn't, where to go from here. The "don't marry him" option is rather missing the point - they're a family already.