...to think that dp should love my DS as much as he does our DD?

[superv1xen]

I have been with DP nearly 3 years. My DS is nearly 4 so when me and DP got together he was very young. Me and DP now have a 10 month old DD.

My DS adores DP and unfortunately does not have much of a relationship with his bio dad as his bio dad lives 100 miles away from us and only sees him twice a month, and is not really that great with him.

DP is really good with my DS and likes him, but I can tell that he doesn't "love" him. for example; It is clearly obvious when he comes in from work, his eyes light up when he sees our DD and he goes straight to her for cuddles but my DS kind of gets a "hello mate!" from him but nothing more loving than that. also, my DP seems to like it when its just me him and DD, ie, when DS is with his dad or when my parents have him.

me and DP are engaged and hoping to get married later in the year, and I really love him, we have a great relationship other than this, and as I say, he gets on with my DS but I think he should love him, not just be his "pal" - after all, he has been in his life as long as he can remember and is around a whole lot more than his real dad is.

I think I am rambling now...but some advice would be great.

They are aa family already? Isn't the point of the OP that they actually aren't, as he doesn't see himself as a parent to the first child? So they are in essence a family with a spare kid on the side.

Can that be done though, for the OP to make a will that the DP should get custody of the DS were she to die? I'd have thought that custody would go to the other biological parent (if he's in regular contact obviously) unless there was reason to deem him unsuitable. Seems unfair on the NR parent.

No, it can't be done.

runnybottom - my point was that, whether they like it or not, they are a family now that they have dd together. It would be terrible if he had to move out because he felt he couldn't love dss. I think it "is what it is" (hate that phrase, but it's useful). He does seem to have a good relationship with dss in many ways, but I absolutely take the point that if OP (God forbid) weren't able to look after the children for whatever reason, she would want to know that her ds was going to be cared for (bio father sounding a bit of a waste of space, to put it bluntly). So I think absolutely she needs to know how dp feels about all this, but that you can't legislate for love.

I agree that you and this guy made a committment when you decided to live together and have a child together. The getting married bit is irrelevent. If the OP leaves the bloke she'll then have 2 kids who rarely see their dads instead of 1. I think you're being harsh on the guy re his previous stepkids. If they had regular contact with their real dad they wouldn't need him to be a father figure, my kids don't need my husband to do that as their dad is great. In the same way my stepkids don't need a second mother.
I'm sure lots of women posting here would think it was OTT if their marriage split up and husband got a new wife who he divorced a few years later and she wanted to keep in contact with teenage/early 20s kids/adults who didn't want to see her and had a perfectly good mother, and the new wife/now exwife then had kids with someone else and still regarded your kids as her stepkids.
Step parents don't have parental responsibility and kids don't need extra parents if they have 2 involved ones.

This is a tricky situation. They are already a family. It isn't possible to turn the clock back, but I also agree it is important that the OP should try to work out who she would want to look after DS if she were not able to. It does not sound as though either exH or current DP would be ideal at the moment.

OP, could you talk to your DP about what happened previously and why he doesn't still have contact with his step children? Is he overcompensating with the child you have together for the mistakes he feels he made with his first family. I have seen that before, where the step child becomes a spare child as a consequence. You can't force someone to love someone but if you can talk openly, with a counsellor facilitating if it helps you, hopefully you can find a way that you can both make work.

superv1xen If you drop dead, your son would be handed over to his dad. If his dad didn't want him then there could be a bun fight for him, or he could go into care. If you want to be sure your son will be properly looked after if you die you need to speak to his biological father FIRST and draw up an agreement with him.

If you are worrying about how your fiance will be with your son when you get divorced, you need to be wondering whether you should get married.

If you are worried about your son being loved, then look to see if he feels happy.

You seem to want to control the emotions of everyone in your family. Just let be if everyone is happy.

runnybottom Good. Then all this "If you die your two children should be together with your dp" is irrelevant anyway. Seems like it's completely upto the bio father what happens after the death of the mother.

Agree if anything happened to me my kids would go to their dad. He has equal PR so if I drew up a document saying I wanted my current husband (who has no rights or responsibilities to my kids legally) to have them and died their dad's solicitors would just rip the document up. You can't just cut a parent out of a child's life and appoint another kid as their father because you fancy him more.
The other parent would have to have been very absent or dangerous not to get custody. It sounds as though your son sees his dad every other weekend. I'd try and bolster this relationship and encourage his dad to be able to cope with him when he's ill. It may have been the lad was crying for mum and he thought he was acting in his son's best interests bringing him back to you.

"You seem to want to control the emotions of everyone in your family"

wow, that's harsh IMO

she doesn't, she just wants what we all want and many of us can take for granted - for her children to be loved equally and for neither of them to have their childhood/development blighted by playing second fiddle

I say good on you OP, for having the emotional literacy to identify what's bothering you and get it out in the open before it's too late!

Should read "appoint another MAN as their father"

I agree greensleeves. I have seen children playing second fiddle in a family and it is heartbreaking to watch if it isn't handled carefully, but it doesn't have to be a problem if the adults discuss it and do their best.

You cannot make someone love someone.

Your dd is his daughter unfortunately your ds is not. Quite a lot of men would feel the same deep, deep down, though perhaps a lot cover it up.

I have never asked my DH if he loves his own more, I wouldn't put him on the spot. He has never, ever shown it in all the years we are together. He treats tham the same and DS1 got lots of time alone with him when growing up. DH's parents were his grandparents, his brother was his uncle etc. No difference has been shown. I couldn't ask for more.
We drew up a will before we married and sorted out guardians-I think that side is important.

Greensleaves that is fair enough, but for the OP to get what she wants, she needs to make her partner to feel something that he may not. He may love her son dearly but think that needs to be shown in a different way.
If everyone is happy (and by everyone I especially mean her son) why not just let things be?

No you can't make someone love someone. But you can decide that you're not going to live with someone who isn't going to treat your two children equally

I'm not sure it is a good idea to take one child away from her loving father because he doesn't love the other one as much.

My dh is named as my ds legal guardian in the event of my death alongside my sister. I am not 'cutting a parent out of my son's life because I fancy my dh more' and the thought of that is appalling (thought I have met people who use their children in that way but that's another thread altogether)

I'm glad some people have good experiences of divorced parenting and that their ex is also a good parent but it's not always like that.

dh has helped bring ds up since the age of 2 (he's now 13). Ds has always seen biological dad every other Saturday for a few hours. I always encouraged this and have tried to encourage more time and kept biological Dad informed of school plays, parents eve's etc but he's happy with being Saturday Dad and unfortunately lots of men are. They get on, they have a nice time playing the xbox, but that's it. Ex would not cope with bringing a child (or teen) up. Financially my ds would suffer too (His Dad doesn't feed him during visits as he apparently can't afford to )Ds would have to move from his home into a small flat, with a person who hardly knows him (through choice), change schools, be further away from friends and extended family, leave his siblings behind, leave the man behind who has raised him - all on top of losing his Mum because the 'right' thing to do is live with his biological father

Dh on the other hand is financially stable, brought ds up for 11 years, and had an active input in health, education, nurturing etc (step dad spends the winter at the edge of a football pitch, dealt with the stresses of bullying, helped with homework etc. Bio dad was given the opportunity and chose not to get involved)dh would be raising ds's 2 siblings, who ds has been brought up with, in our family home, and ds could remain at same school, close to extended family.

A step parent is a father/ mother figure. They don't replace the natural parents but they take on a responsibility when they enter a relationship with someone who has children. My dss didn't see his mum for several years but I never tried or wanted to fill that gap, as I said in my first post it's a different bond and relationship that needs to be respected for what it is. How can you live with a child and not be a parent to them?

As other posters have said, op is not in a traditional nuclear family and has to think differently to how many of us were brought up to think. Most importantly she and her dp need to talk to work out what they believe is right and wrong for their family.

It's not always black and white. The 'right' thing is also that children 'should' be brought up by their Mums too and it's because of some narrow minded people who only think of the 'right' thing that my dss had such a hard time when he moved in with us.

No I'm not sure it is either. I think I may still have PatienceRequired's thread from the other week spinning around in my head. It just seems to me to be terribly sad for a child to have parents who split up and your father has little interest in you, then your mum gets together with another man and they have a baby and it is clear that you are not a fully fledged member of the family. Awful for a child

I agree. Poor child

I aggree with others who say - the love for your biological child is different to any other. I sounds like he does love your DS but obviously it is a different love than his DD. I'm sure it is not intentional and I really don't think there's anything he can do to change this.

As long as he treats them both well and equally then this is all you can ask for. He can't change his feelings on request. Maybe he feels he doesn't want to step on your exp's toes?

I agree maryz-the poor DCs always end up as second best. It wasn't good enough for my DS- he has to be 1st equal best with everyone or I wouldn't have done it. I think that if I had natural DC and step DC I would have a special love for my own, BUT, I would never say it or show it in any way.