...to think that dp should love my DS as much as he does our DD?

[superv1xen]

I have been with DP nearly 3 years. My DS is nearly 4 so when me and DP got together he was very young. Me and DP now have a 10 month old DD.

My DS adores DP and unfortunately does not have much of a relationship with his bio dad as his bio dad lives 100 miles away from us and only sees him twice a month, and is not really that great with him.

DP is really good with my DS and likes him, but I can tell that he doesn't "love" him. for example; It is clearly obvious when he comes in from work, his eyes light up when he sees our DD and he goes straight to her for cuddles but my DS kind of gets a "hello mate!" from him but nothing more loving than that. also, my DP seems to like it when its just me him and DD, ie, when DS is with his dad or when my parents have him.

me and DP are engaged and hoping to get married later in the year, and I really love him, we have a great relationship other than this, and as I say, he gets on with my DS but I think he should love him, not just be his "pal" - after all, he has been in his life as long as he can remember and is around a whole lot more than his real dad is.

I think I am rambling now...but some advice would be great.

I am in the same situation as you. Met dp when ds was 2yo and he is now 9yo. ds sees his dad every week but his bio dad isnt that good with him. We also have a 5yo ds together. It is clearly obvious that dp loves ds who is 5 to bits They have a 'connection'. dp understands him. But with older ds he says things like mate, pal, buddy etc, just like you say yours does. I think they find it hard to be touchy feely with a ds who isnt theirs. I know dp loves older son but he definately doesnt understand him like he does the younger ds. They dont cuddle and kiss like dp does with the younger one. dp also started saying that i show favouritism to older ds. If i am honest i do feel overly protective of him as he is my sole responsibility and he is a mommys boy as dp points out regularly. It is a very hard situation but dp has also supported us ALL and i know he loves him. YADNBU OP, i fully understand

I don't think it's a case of loving a biological child more than a step-child. You love them both but it's a different type of love.

I think the OP's dp is getting a bit of a hard time here over his last set of step-children. He split up with their mum and it was acrimonious. Maybe she told him he couldn't see them. And with them sending him nasty texts maybe he decided it was best all round to leave things. Perhaps he was really upset by that - we don't know. And if their mum was of a mind to not let them have contact there was nothing he could do about that.

How involved is he with day to day care, discipline, stuff like that supervixen?

Woah silver1 that is really harsh and to quote the OP, she is not trying to 'control the emotions of everyone in her family':

"i just wish that dp loved my ds. i know i cant make him love anyone.

but DS loves him sooooo much, he looks up to him and talks about him all the time when he isn't there, sometimes he will go up to him and cuddle him and tell him he loves him and it breaks my heart that it isnt reciprocated."

That post makes me want to weep. How absolutely gutting to see your child giving love to someone that does reciprocate. My DS's nursery carers have been more demonstrative than this man sounds.

But what is interesting to me is that you used the words 'her family'. Yes they are all her family and there is nothing wrong with wanting them to love one another. FGS, the OP's DP started seeing the OP when her DS was one. There is no four year old in the world that wouldn't now think of that man as his father in all but DNA. And I cannot imagine how painful it must be for the OP to see how differently her two children are treated by her partner.

Abundantia, he discipline her DS:

"he does discipline ds, (as we have discussed it and i have said i am happy for us both to deal with disciplining) but i think he is not even comfortable doing that."

superv1xen - I am really sorry if any of my posts have upset you. I can imagine they would have done if I were in your shoes. My DC are of a similar age though and they are adored by my family - their cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents. A fair few of those are not biologically related to them but they love the kids anyway. I cannot imagine raising a child from a baby and not loving it, whether or not it was related.

Some of the posts about the strengths of biological relationships vs not (or nature vs nurture if you like) I find very disturbing. Have those of you who say that bio ties are so much stronger ever read the Stately Homes thread? A biological relationship is no guarantee of love. If you raise a child, you should love them, whether you are related to them or not. Otherwise you are doing that child a terrible, terrible disservice.

I am glad that some people are not judging him for not seeing his ex-stepkids...its made me see that maybe he is not secretly some horrible person for not seeing them.

I would be interested to hear what has happened with any other posters on here that have had stepkids or had kids that weren't their DP's and then split up, did the person who wasn't bio parent still see step kids? IYSIM!

yeah I think it bugs me that he calls my DS "mate" and "pal" etc - I feel like saying, he is NOT YOUR GODDAM "MATE" HE'S MY 3 YEAR OLD CHILD AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S BROTHER - WHO ADORES YOU! and it does bug me that he doesn't describe DS as his "stepson" (and didnt his ex stepkids either)

I don't want DS to feel second best. Someone earlier on the thread mentioned my DP's parents - well, they pretty much ignore my DS as well, in fact I have taken to only visiting them when my DS isn't with me (ie with his dad or my parents) because it makes me angry they ignore him. Also, they babysit DD loads too, and really enjoy having her, but have never offered to have DS.

I know he is only 3 but I have a hunch he is starting to pick up on the fact that DP is DD's daddy but not his...he has started playing up more when DP is around. attention seeking, basically.

DP does help with DS but I tend to leap in and do stuff before he gets the chance to IYSWIM - I don't know why. I kind of feel guilty when he does do stuff for him.

Does your son go to his dad's parents? If they fuss over him then that may make up for your partners parents (who after all aren't his grandparents) fussing over him.
My parents never got that involved with my stepkids, but then they live miles away and my stepkids had 2 very devoted sets of grandparents so if visiting my parents with us accepted my parents weren't really their relatives. Thjey were only with us occasionally though. I can imagine it being more awkward if the child lives with you.

My exhusband's parents were very concerned when I met my current husband that his parents didn't replace them in my kids' affections and even wrote a "back off" style note to them, going on about how they weren't really grandparents etc.
It probably had the opposite effect and they can be a bit OTT with my kids sometimes.

I think it seems like the person you really need to talk to is your dp. You cannot dictate his feelings but you can discuss his behaviour with him and tell him the little things that you worry your ds will pick up on. You need to discuss the fact that once you get married your ds WILL be his stepson and he must start to refer to him in that manner.
Also, I would have a chat with your dp parents and discuss with them how much you would appreciate if they would nurture a relationship with your ds - what about babysitting the two dcs? It may be an issue for some of the adults involved that the dcs have different dads but it would be nice if everyone made the effort to minimise the difference for the dcs.

Just read the last line of your previous post - sounds like you need to back off a little and let your dp deal with your ds. He is his stepfather and has responsibilities for him so you shouldn't feel guilty.

You need to talk to him about how you're feeling.

Why don't you try leaving him to do things for your ds. It might be that he is wondering what his role is. Maybe he didn't really have a role with his last partner if both parents were still around. Maybe he was treading on their toes if he tried to and he's worried about doing the same at yours?

It can go either way for step-parents. We get what is perceived as over-involved with someone else's child and we're berated for that as "they already have two parents and don't need a 3rd", or we take a step back because there are other parents around and get accused of not caring enough. Perhaps he needs some encouragement from you to be more involved?

FWIW my dh didn't have contact with his last set of step-children for a long time. He wanted to have contact with both of them and dsd when he split with their mum, but she refused and the only one he was able to get a court order for was dsd.

And thanks LadyBiscuit, it's a long thread and I'd missed the bit about discipline!

My heart goes out to you superv1xen, it really does. I think you're extremely brave and have taken a fair amount of criticism on the chin. I have no advice from the position of someone who has started again with a new partner but I think you've had some really good advice from people like EllieAnne and others.

And you're welcome Abundantia - was just trying to help out the OP who has had a flurry of POVs and I've been reading this from the word go which makes life a bit easier

The thing is, it's not in everyone to love a child that isn't theirs in the same way that they love a biological child. This doesn't make them a bad person.

however, if they know this about themselves, then they really shouldn't enter into a relationship with someone who has children, because it's just not fair.

You know that he doesn't love your son like his own child.
You know that if you split up, he would not continue to be part of your son's life, would walk away and give your son no further thought.

It's up to you to decide if this is ok with you, and if it's going to be ok for your son.

If you feel your partners treatment of your son is likely to damage him, or if your son will be ok because he has your love and is treated well by your partner.

Talk to your partner. If you are going to marry a man, if you have had a child with him, if you have built a life with him - you should be able to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and what your fears are.

Me again - sorry but I have loads I could say on all this

My dh calls everyone mate -me, his mum, my mum and our dc's, so I really wouldn't read too much into that, it's quite sweet he's calling a 3yo 'mate' isn't it? Or maybe I'm just used to my ruff builder dh

I have no personal experience as such of step parents splitting up but I do know of a few:

dsd's mum and step dad split up when she was around 10 or 11 and she still saw her step dad when her sister saw him (her biological dad). You still with me on that one?! I said we were dysfunctional All seems to work ok and dh has no problem with it, dsd is 18 now and still sees her ex step dad regularly.

I also know of another who split up with her dp who had been step dad to her ds for a couple of years and he doesn't see her ds but does have regular contact with their daughter. He did initially want to have access to both children but mum didn't want that. imo their relationship never stood a chance as she wouldn't let her dp discipline her ds in anyway and had huge issues with their relationship (her ds has never met hid bio dad and she raised him alone until this relationship when ds was about 10yo so they were a very close unit which I don't think anyone could or can penetrate) All very sad and a shame as her ds and dp wanted a relationship but she couldn't let it happen for whatever reason.

It sounds as if he sees you as a nuclear family of 3 with an extra, or part timer. Could you redress the balance as DD gets older and leave her with grandparents while you do something together with DS? Failing that it should be easy in that you have a DS and a DD for you to do things with DD sometimes and send off DS with DP to do an activity.
Are you absolutely sure that you make him feel like a full parent?

I don't think that you've been listening to the sensible people here who are telling you straight i.e. it is not possible for your partner to love YOUR son as much as the daughter you share.
Yes, he can be fond of him, yes, he can treat him well (as he SHOULD) but to ask him to actually love him as much as your own daughter is just too much.

You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You are NOT in a traditional, married, nuclear family PLEASE stop the delusion that you are and make the most of what you've got.

P.S. NOT saying that nuclear, married families are ALWAYS great- far from it, but the OP is deluded if she thinks she is in one.
I also think that it is unfair on her son's biological father- why should he be sidelined?

I agree with Maranatha here - you really can't force, or even expect a step dad to love a sdc as much as the bio parent - some do, but most don't I wouldn't have thought. It's reasonable to expect fair and equal treatment, but then it doesn't sound like you are necessarily facilitating this by jumping in and interrupting dp when he's interacting with the ds. So sound here like the dp can't win.

The issue of what happens with ds if you're no longer around needs dealing with, it would be good to discuss your dp relationship with him, but also reevaluate how you 'allow' their realtionship to develop. But wanting him to love him as much as dd is unrealistic and unfair imo.

I haven't read anything but I wanted to say something about your post saying that he doesn't even state that he is DS's stepdad. Maybe he interprets that term differently?
After my parent's divorce my father remarried. I lived with my mum but anyway, I liked the lady as a kid but I would have never ever called her my stepmum. It just didn't sit right. And still doesn't when someone does it.
In my interpretation you are a stepparent when the biological parent is dead. Before that you are not. Of course it was different for me as I didn't live with them but anyway. I had a mum, I didn't have a stepmum. She was my father's wife in my opinion.
It of course depends on relationships (does your DS still see his dad, is he a real dad or not and so on) but some people just don't interpret the term step parent in the same way. I hope that makes sense.
So he might not be really mean about it, he might just feel like you son has a dad and that one isn't replaced? IYSWIM

I can't offer advice on the other issue but I thought I should throw that in as one of these things showing that everyone feels different about terms. That does not mean you can not be a 'parent', you don't have to call yourself something to actually be it

I don't think that you can expect him to love him as much-love is an emotion and not something you can control. The important thing is not to show it.
They are not a nuclear family and so DP shouldn't be pretending to be by being happy when it is just the 3 of them and why it would be nice to redress the balance by sometimes leaving DD with grandparents and it being a different 3.
It needs a serious talk-it isn't something to just leave to assumptions. If you talk to him you may find a different side e.g. he feels that you are the main parent of DS and he doesn't feel comfortable playing an equal role, in the way that he does with DD. You will never know how he feels unless you ask.

A lot of these posts are making me think I should never get involved with another man - I couldn't bear someone not to love my DC if they thought of him as their dad

Good posts marantha and thesecondcoming.

I have spoken to my dh about this in the past and he has stated that men don not feel the same about another man's child as they do their own. At the time I have found this to be very harsh but it seems it is true in the majority of cases.

Countless couples I know when they split, the man does not stay around in the stepchild's life, there are always exceptions but these are the exceptions.

Also I do not agree that when someone, male or female, forms a relationship with someone who already has a child that they are agreeing to take on that child as their own. What most people see in this situation is that they have met a person whom they have fallen in love with and who they want to be with. The children are a secondary layer of that relationship.
Finally I am not saying that I would do this, merely pointing out what the majority of people feel in this situation and op I do feel for you.

Marantha - Thank you for the straight talking. I do appreciate it.

But i just wanted to say that in no way do I want DS's bio father "sidelined" - I wish he was more involved with DS but the sad fact is he doesn't give a shit and does the absolute bare minimum he thinks he can get away with. I would let him have all the time he wanted with DS - IF he wanted it. But, sadly for both of them, he doesn't.

Don't worry LadyBiscuit-there are plenty of successful step families about. Being trusted with a close relationship with someone else's child is a great honour and gift-you can't have a higher one.

Thanks piscesmoon - it's good to know

I think that it is very easy until you have a joint DC.
It is when you have a joint DC that the difficulties set in and they have to be equal in the family. Someone said earlier that if both parents remarry and have other DCs, the first DCs don't come first with either family and that is very sad.
I expect that my DH loves his own more-he saw them born and changed nappies etc whereas he missed the first 6 yrs of DS1's life. HOWEVER, he has never shown this in anyway and since he finds DS1 the easiest to chat to, you really wouldn't notice. They get on well and have done a lot on their own because it was easier for him to go off with DS1 when I had 2 babies at home.
Therefore my advice to OP is to let DP go off with DS while she does things with DD.