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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that dp should love my DS as much as he does our DD?

127 replies

superv1xen · 05/04/2010 21:25

I have been with DP nearly 3 years. My DS is nearly 4 so when me and DP got together he was very young. Me and DP now have a 10 month old DD.

My DS adores DP and unfortunately does not have much of a relationship with his bio dad as his bio dad lives 100 miles away from us and only sees him twice a month, and is not really that great with him.

DP is really good with my DS and likes him, but I can tell that he doesn't "love" him. for example; It is clearly obvious when he comes in from work, his eyes light up when he sees our DD and he goes straight to her for cuddles but my DS kind of gets a "hello mate!" from him but nothing more loving than that. also, my DP seems to like it when its just me him and DD, ie, when DS is with his dad or when my parents have him.

me and DP are engaged and hoping to get married later in the year, and I really love him, we have a great relationship other than this, and as I say, he gets on with my DS but I think he should love him, not just be his "pal" - after all, he has been in his life as long as he can remember and is around a whole lot more than his real dad is.

I think I am rambling now...but some advice would be great.

OP posts:
EllieAnne · 05/04/2010 22:05

Being in a modern, complicated family, we have many relationships covered. I am Mum to 3 and step mum to 2.
Dsd lives with bio mum.
Dss lives with us.
(My) Ds1 lives with me and my dh (not his bio dad)
My ds2 and dd1 live with me and dh (their dad)

Got it ?

Anyway there are many different relationships there and the biological parent-child relationships are different to the non-biological, but I do love my dsc, just in a different way. That bond might not be there but there is a different bond.

Dh has had more time with my ds1 (his dss) than with any of his own children and they have a fantastic relationship but I can see it's not the same fatherly love he has for his biological dc. In the same way my ds loves his step dad and they get on well and (in his own words) he has always been more of a dad to him than his own but I can see their bond is a different one.

I think our family sounds a bit like the waltons here but believe me it's not! We are massively dysfunctional, with lots of issues drifting around so don't think of us as happily skipping through fields hand in hand. And it's bloody hard work - and it always will be. But it's also very rewarding.

What I'm trying to say to op is that they sound like they have a really good relationship, your dp seems to be great with your ds. Let their relationship grow in their own way and try not to think about it too much and read too much into things. I've done that (and still do sometimes) and it just messes with your head! If your ds is happy, use that as a guide. You can't make your dp love your ds in the way you want him to. I'm guessing he does love his dss and agree with Boys2mam about the father daughter thing too!

Do talk to dp though, talking's always good let him know how you feel, he may well put your mind at rest.

I'll stop talking now. Sorry. Rambling. Family stuff always gets me going on one

abbierhodes · 05/04/2010 22:12

I'd sit down and talk to him about it. Be completely honest. You can't make him love him if he doesn't naturally feel this way, but I think I'd feel the same as you.

You have to admit, though, that the love you have for your own children is completely different to anything else you feel for anyone.

You say he is good with your DS, and tells him he loves him. He sounds like a pretty good bloke tbh. I imagine he'd be mortified if you told him his different feelings towards the two of them showed through. This can happen with biological children too, though...the oldest child can be unintentionally pushed out for a while. Good parents realise they are doing it and do everything they can to put it right.

I think a lot hinges on your DP's reaction when you talk to him about it...if he tries even harder to be a good stepdad, then I think you've got your answer!!

I hope it works out for you all.

Original poster
superv1xen · 05/04/2010 22:18

he doesn't even call himself DS's stepdad though

and although he was married to his ex-stepkids mum for 11 years he said he never ever saw himself as their "stepdad" either.

but i felt sad for them that they meant so little to him he didn't even feel the need to tell me about them until we had already been together a while. (even though, as i said, he had told me he had a DD). yet they lived with him most of the time and were brothers to his DD, and the youngest was only a few months old when he got together with his ex wife.

I guess i hate the thought of DS becoming so (seemingly) insignificant to him. even though i dont see us splitting (hopefully!) the thought still niggles me.

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 05/04/2010 22:20

Hope you don't mind me adding a little more, but I'd like to give my DH's opinion too.

He grew up in a household with a good stepfather, who went on to have biological sons with DH's mum.

Although there has been the occasional issue, he is absolutely of the opinion that he had a happy upbringing with stepdad, and is glad he was there. He calls him Dad now, and our kids call him grandad. His relationship with him has grown over the years, even though he was always aware that he wasn't his real dad. (He was 7 when stepdad came on the scene) His own dad was not 'evil', he just wasn't able to be there, and he's very grateful that his stepdad was.

Jux · 05/04/2010 22:20

He may love your ds, but a man's relationship with a son (biological or not) is generally different to his relationship with a daughter. For some totally unknown reason, dad's are suckers for little girls, even before they've got to the "but daaaaaad!" and "pleeeeeeease" stage.

EffieB · 05/04/2010 22:29

superv!xen, you need (if you don't know already) to find out WHY he never saw them as his step-children. Maybe he has beliefs he's picked up from somewhere, ex-wife, his family, mates etc.. about how you act in this situation. You need to find out more about why he thinks this, let him know clearly and calmly how you see 'the role' differently, and find out if there's any scope for change/ development.

Someone said earlier about the two of them doing activities/ having time together, I think this is a cracking idea btw.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/04/2010 22:35

I simply have a problem with him not seeing his ex-stepkids - that's awful

I know this is a ridiculous thing to say now but if you split up he wouldn't see your son again just your daughter.

RealityIsWalking100K · 05/04/2010 22:37

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Skegness · 05/04/2010 22:46

I like Ellie-Anne's post.

saslou · 05/04/2010 22:52

For me this would be a deal breaker. I agree that you need to talk very seriously with your dp about why he doesn't see his dsc and you need to clarify exactly how he feels about your ds. You would be doing a great disservice to your ds if you marry this man as things stand. Personally I couldn't marry a man who did not love my child. Whether he can help this or not is of no consequence imo.As you say, your ds has only you to look out for his best interests and you need to put him first. I can't imagine not loving a child I had helped raise from 1yr old and if your dp truly doesn't love him then that reflects very badly on him.

thesecondcoming · 05/04/2010 22:58

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jenduff · 05/04/2010 23:04

Could it just be the "new baby" love or the "daughter is apple of Daddy's eye" scenario?

I know DH has a really special bond with DD who is the baby of the family, in spite of the fact that they are very similar and often clash.

DS is quite a bit older than DD and gets treated differently - with no less love - but gets treated more as a grown up, so the dynamic of both childrens relationship with their father is very different.

I do remember that when DD was born DS got a bit cheeky and challenging and we both found him hard work and this combined with sleepless nights made us a bit sharper and less patient with him than we would otherwise have been.

I do think you need to explore the step-children issue though - I would hate to think that the breakdown of a couple's relationship should ever preclude a child maintaining a relationship with the only father they have ever known.

maryz · 05/04/2010 23:30

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Silver1 · 05/04/2010 23:35

YABU. For lots of reasons, you can't tell him how or who to love, you can't force an attachment or bond that isn't there you can't judge his relationship with the other kids because you don't know anything about it-does he even see his other bio child?
Is he over compensating because he's missing his other daughter.

All of that said- I think you are questioning not how he loves your son, but whether you and or he see this marriage working out, both of you have failed relationships behind you, but all of your posts seem to be judging him and how his last marriage ended. It sounds like you are quite insecure about your relationship and this issue with your son is a smoke screen.

IngridFletcher · 05/04/2010 23:42

I don't think it particularly usual for Dad's to be more demonsrative with their DDs. My DH isn't, he treats them equally and is just as keen to give our DSs a cuddle as he is our DD. We have none of that 'Daddy's little princess' stuff here! Its not fair on the boys. I just bring this up because I would not want you to blame this on the sex of your children. He may not love your DS as much but he should be capable of showing love to a child he has parented for so long.

sb6699 · 06/04/2010 00:03

I have a DS from a previous relationship and 2 DD's with my DH.

I met DH when DS was a baby so he has always been around. He actually considers him DS' natural father and they absolutely adore each other.

However, DH is less demonstrative with his love around DS, for instance its more a manly pat on the back than a full blown hug, but this is down to the fact that DS is older and its a "male" thing.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that maybe its not the fact that he loves your DS any less its just a different way of interacting.

If its worrying you though, you definately need to speak to him.

If your DS is older, then he will probably understand, for instance I love my step-father (I was a young teen when mum remarried) but he isnt my dad and whereas I fully appreciate that he loves me but his love for his daughters will be different.

If your DS is young it could be very troubling for him if he picks up that your DD seems to be "more loved" than him even if that's not strictly the case.

DandyLioness · 06/04/2010 00:32

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gtamom · 06/04/2010 01:07

Yanbu. Although you can't force it, it is natural to want it.
He wouldn't be a candidate for marriage for me though. I would not have had a child with him,(to me that is a life commitment) if he didn't love the one I already had either. I think you need to have some serious talking with him, perhaps even counseling.

If you died, or were seriously maimed and unable to care for your children, would he raise your son, or pass him along to children' s services or your parents?

DandyLioness · 06/04/2010 01:18

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piscesmoon · 06/04/2010 08:06

Gtamon has raised an excellent point. I had a DS before I married DH and had 2 more and I know that if anything happened to me they would be a family unit of 4 and it is inconceivable that DS1 would be separated from his brothers and parcelled off elsewhere, while they have a cosy family of 3.
If you can't be sure that they would be treated equally after your death then don't marry him. Discuss it first. Get counselling if necesssary. The fact that he has severed contact with 2 DCs who saw him as a father figure rings danger bells to me.

marantha · 06/04/2010 08:17

A close male friend of mine said to me the other day that men were now in a situation where they could not do right for doing wrong. I now know what he means.
So for some reason it didn't work out between you and the father or your first child- OK, these things happen.
Then comes along a perfectly nice guy who is willing to accept that although this child is not his, he will support and look after that child, nevertheless, it IS impossible for him to love that child as much as his own BIOLOGICAL child.
It seems perfectly normal that he wouldn't love your child as much as his own- why would he? Would I love my sister's child as much as my own? Of course I wouldn't.
I'd be extremely FOND of my sister's child, obviously, but love him like my own? Of course not.
Be satisfied that he is willing to support your first child and be extremely fond of him and look after him- that's all you're reasonably going to get and if you think otherwise, you've no understanding of biology.

If you can't handle this, then you shouldn't have a "step" family and instead took the traditional option of marriage then children and stayed with your husband for life.

thesecondcoming · 06/04/2010 08:18

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marantha · 06/04/2010 08:20

Sorry to sound harsh, OP, but you want the "normality" of the traditional nuclear family without actually being in one. It makes no sense.

Bucharest · 06/04/2010 08:26

YANBU, but neither is he tbh.

As other posters have said, in an ideal world he should love his stepson as much as his daughter, but that's a hard thing to ask someone to do. I know I couldn't do it.I certainly don't think it's anything to do with his biological child being a girl and your son being a boy. It's to do with the girl being his, totally, and the boy being yours totally. It's a fact.

Beyond that though, reading your other posts, I think there's more to this issue than just your son and daughter. He doesn't sound to me like he wants to try.

If I were you, I'd be wondering how much of a relationship he'd be prepared to have with his biological child should you split up. I'd be willing to bet not a great deal.

piscesmoon · 06/04/2010 08:26

It is natural that he wouldn't marantha but he must pretend and he must never, ever tell anyone-certainly not any of the DCs. They must be treated with absolute fairness and if the mother dies it it is doubly important that he continues in that way. Anyone who marries a woman (or man) with a DC and then has one of their own has two children. My DH always talks about his three DCs, he would never say 2 DSs and a DSS. If a man can't do that don't marry him. My son and I were a package-it was no love me, love my son-if not no deal. If I was then heartbroken it would be just something to live with-my DS came first. A DC is a great gift that my DH was lucky to get! You can't have a situation where his eyes light up at the sight of one and not the other.

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