Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really really REALLY f@&%ng pissed off!!

164 replies

lilysmummy2007 · 04/04/2010 01:35

Today is DHs brothers birthday, and hes having a party at a pub. He called and invited us to come, but it was such short notice we decided to stay in as we didnt have a sitter. DH told me that its more a lads night so he might just go for an hour or 2. I said fine.
After grooming himself for hours, even getting a hair cut, after Ive been begging him to get one for months, and I mean months, he was looking like a flipping mushroom!
His brother mentioned DHs ex girlfriend is going to be there as she is his brothers step sister, she didnt get the lads night memo apparently! So I decided I do want to go, I havent been out since I got back from an extended trip last november and wouldnt mind going for a few drinks and a laugh and also to spy as she has been very touchy feely with him even in my presence, and obviously still has feelings for him. He was visibly upset that I decided to go and called his mum in a huff to look after lily, making excuses and saying she already has his niece looking after. Its 12 pm, Lily would just be asleep!!!
After screwing his face up while I got dressed , him zipping a piece of my flesh into my dress zipper, thats right, my underarm is bleeding at this point, I quietly already decided not to go. I was just waiting to see how far he would go to put me off. He then announced its to late and we best stay home. So I undressed and he took his coat and shoes off. He then started gabbing about hes not really a party person anymore, and he would much prefer stay home with DD and I.
2 mins later his phone rings, his sister who apparently didnt get the lads night memo either, calling to say everyone {who is everyone? its only supposed to be a few friends and family that we see on a regular basis} is asking for him and if he was still coming. He was re dressed in 1 min and out the door without even asking if I wanted to go, now im just sat here fuming about why he didnt want me to go. Am I just being paranoid? really want to punch his lights out right now!

OP posts:
Foxymona · 04/04/2010 19:07

To be fair happy she said the child was 'awake' not 'up'. The point being that if the child is out of her routine due to illness and is awake at the time, it wouldn't do much harm to her to bring her next door to be minded if that were an option (which she didn't actually do).

As we all know- a 3 year old will not sleep if they don't feel like it. Yes you can have them in bed and they may be singing away to themselves and there's not a thing you can do to make them actually sleep apart from knocking them over the head or giving them Dozol neither of which is a reasonable option...

ScreaminEagle · 04/04/2010 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

looneytune · 04/04/2010 19:11

Foxy beat me to it, was just going to post something similar. Seriously, I can't believe all these comments!!

lilysmum - I don't know how you've managed to go the whole day without having it out with him but well done for remaining calm. Good luck and do let us know how you get on.

x

JazzieJeff · 04/04/2010 19:13

Bloody hell, not really sure OP asked whether or not she was being unreasonable about getting her child out of bed; her DD has mananged to live with OP as a mother thus far, so I'll assume that she's not a fire breathing-child beating dragon then. What the poor woman did ask though, was for a bit of advice regarding her relationship with DH. It bloody hurts if you get cheated on, and I suppose in that situation we can all do things that are slightly out of the ordinary. So instead of picking her child's bedtime routine to bits (frankly, what the hell?) let's be nice and give her support, because if it happened to any one of us, I'm sure we wouldn't want other people debating about how our use of non biodegradable nappies is deplorable instead. Get real. The poor woman is terrified.
OP, I really hope you're alright. You need to confront DH. Unfortunately, if you've got reason to suspect him... well there's no smoke without fire is there? What a complete idiot; he needs to be reminded of his responsibilities; and if he wants to flit around with ex girlfriends, then he can do it as a single man. Try to stay calm (easier said than done, I know) and don't shout. You be the reasonable one, the mature one because clearly someone needs to show him how it's done. A man who cheats on his wife is a disgusting person, lower than the low. Stay strong and I really, really hope that all your fears are unfounding and he's just had a bit of a weird turn or something... keep us all posted xx

EmilyStrange · 04/04/2010 19:13

This thread appears to have been hijacked by arguments concerning routine. It would probably be a better idea to start a new thread about this subject if people wish to debate it as from what I have read of the original post, the OP wanted advice regarding her DH not her parenting skills.

looneytune · 04/04/2010 19:17

Oh FFS, her DH phoned, it was HIS MUM he phoned so I think it's probably up to him and not for us to flame poor Lilysmum. I'd never phone my family at that time unless it was an emergency but that's because I KNOW it's not acceptable with them. We don't know these people and his mum may be absolutely fine with this (although she's mad if she is ).

I just wonder how some of you would feel if you were in this situation?!!! I know I'd be sick to my stomach with worry about it all and the last thing I'd need is everyone slagging me off because of a bedtime routine!!!

EmilyStrange · 04/04/2010 19:17

Anyway sometimes when I am really angry with DP, I find writing him a letter the best way to get my point across minus the yelling and circular arguments. You need to address this issue with him and get some straight answers. I think you have every right to feel insecure and deserve some explanation. It could be something minor, for example do you two bicker if you are both drunk and did he just want to get pissed with his family?

looneytune · 04/04/2010 19:19

x'd posts of course

Foxymona · 04/04/2010 19:25

eagle sigh where do I start?

The HUSBAND rang HIS MOTHER asking to babysit at that time of night. If my husband did the same, that is between him and his mum and I have no problem with it.

Maybe his mother would not mind such a thing. She may be a night owl. If she would mind I'm sure HER SON wouldn't bloody ring.

You are missing why people are suggesting you have issues. You are showing this girl zero compassion and instead latching onto a small point that have nothing to do with what she is asking. If you are so about manners and respect for other people, how have you missed the flashing-light-warning part of the story about what the husband is doing? And also (and I quote your own words) You're either a troll, a liar or a fruitcake. God woman my 6 year old has more manners than you. Practice what you preach.

Emily and Jazzie thank goodness there are some people out there with half a brain who can pick up on the glaringly obvious point of the post!

mrsboogie · 04/04/2010 19:35

agree with foxymama

give the girl a bloody break will you.

a baby isn't going to know or care what time it is dropped off at its gran's house.

It's not like a was a child of school age who had to be up early in the morning and was dragged out of its bed so they could go out.

just becasue you wouldn't do it doesn't mean its wrong.

mrsboogie · 04/04/2010 19:36

foxymona , sorry

Foxymona · 04/04/2010 19:42

Not a bother mrsb I've been called worse

MrsVidic · 04/04/2010 19:48

WOW- some people have very strog views on night time routine

OP- I think that he either planned to flirt with his ex all night or something more. On the up side I don't think he is having an affair as he would have planned things like the baby sitting/ been less obviously pissed off you were going.

I think you have 2 main issues:

  1. Is something missing/ communication etc in your relationship? I am not saying this excuses his behaviour but may lead you to explain it IYSWIM. He may be feeling low about himself/ want to flirt etc. I would try to address this and rekindle things if poss.

  2. the other issue is the connection with his ex combined with your relationship with his family. The fact she will always be linked to him must put you under a great ammount of stress at all family occasions and the fact you don't trust his family to side with you over her must hurt. I would say unless she can keep her hands to herself he should choose not to see her unless with you. She needs to wind her neck in and it needs to be your husband who tells her this.

PS Please dont leave MN

JazzieJeff · 04/04/2010 19:57

MrsVidic Has a really good point; perhaps he was getting peeved because he knew this girl still liked him and wanted an ego boost with a bit of a flirt. Has he been feeling low and unattractive since your DD was born? Not an excuse for him, but if some women can feel a bit rubbish after their children are born (perhaps they're having trouble loosing weight, or don't feel particularly sexy or whatever), surely men can feel the same? Just a thought. Maybe explore those things as well. Hope you're feeling better

porcamiseria · 04/04/2010 21:39

wow eee, Lily when I read your post I never imagined you would get some of the bile poured on you, sweet jesus, sorry, not everyone is that judgy

but agree he has acted like a fucking twat, how you handle this is up to you. Is there something nice you can do today to get the fuck away from him and (a) enjoy yourself and (b) get the message across he is in DEEP FUCKING SHIT

I think you neeed to stay calm, cool but let him know this behaviour is a no go. he may NOT be having an affair but something is off. All you can do is look after number one, keep your dignity and try and get away for a few days

again sorry about the judgy shite......not all are like that

SueSylvester · 04/04/2010 21:55

not having 3 year olds out of the house at midnight does not make you some sort of gina ford routine queen. What planet are you people on.
And as for this load of bunkum....
"I didnt really want to go out, we had decided to stay in as we didnt have a sitter, but when he said he wanted to go, I automatically assumed he meant me as well"

Its midnight you have no babysitter and you assume he meant both of you? Are you 12?

porcamiseria · 04/04/2010 22:29

Sue why are you and others so so annoyed by this, to the extent you send mean messages to a clearly upset OP? I genuinely dont get it

LegendLay · 04/04/2010 22:44

por, I can only imagine they are unhappy within their own lives, you can smell the evilness pouring out of their moniter. Wish the op would just tell them to fuck off and go get laid...if they're lucky.

SueSylvester · 04/04/2010 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LegendLay · 04/04/2010 22:54

lol, lily your baby is gorgous gorgous gorgous. Happy you have a happy life and things sort themselves out.

LegendLay · 04/04/2010 22:56

gorgeous - can i blame the wine

Sbeanmum · 04/04/2010 22:59

Sue - everyone is entitled to a point of view, but I really think it's not worth getting so wound up about that you end up being offensive. Ease up, will you?

MrsCrafty · 04/04/2010 23:05

Perhaps the OP isn't a nice middle classe mommy who has her children in bed at 7pm, because of course after we've said 'goodnight', the nanny takes over.

Maybe they got together under duress and are trying to make things work. The MIL does live 2 minutes from them and the child will be ok.

Sounds to me that they will split up in the end. I cannot understand why a partner would do something that the other partner wouldn't want.

I do know that if my DH wanted to go out that much without me, I would be questioning why we were a family.

thesecondcoming · 04/04/2010 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2010 23:59

OP, sorry about the crap you've had from your DH and his family (and from some on MN).

FWIW, I don't think that your DH is cheating on you, but I do think it's possible that he's thinking about it. As Foxymona has already pointed out, he'd have had a haircut way earlier than tonight had that been the case.

From the sound of his complicated family structure and the fact that you feel excluded by them, I guess it would suit many of them if he were still with his ex, and I'm sure they've made him aware of that, be it subtly or bluntly. So for seven years there's probably been that 'background noise' from them. How much influence do you think this would have had on him? Has anything happened recently - the last few months - that might have shaken him at all and made him more susceptible or more inclined to go into retreat, IYSWIM? I'm thinking of things like redundancy, illness, deaths of close friends, money worries - big stuff, unrelated to your relationship with DH.

And also FWIW, I can well remember nights out not starting until 11pm, why go out earlier when the pubs were open until 2am and the disco until 4? (Plus 'Cheers' was on 10pm and we wanted to watch it before we went out .) And this was twenty-odd years ago in Scotland so I'd've been surprised if this was NOT still the case, especially as you've stated you are in London.